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 Pootle (original poster new member #79202) posted at 5:38 PM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

Hiya folks BS here... Not sure where to go for support so starting a new topic here, hope that's ok.

Recently on our 6th Wedding anniversary WS revealed to me that an affair for 6 months occurred in 2019.

Gobsmacked, torn, broken, disappointed

I have one close friend who knows and we have 1 shared friend who knows and I don't where to turn.

I simply keep overreacting to things as I'm stressed and that's when the nasty comments about the A come out. I don't know how to stop that, have considered having some me space and asking WS to give me alone time, not sure if that would help or make things worse.

Feel at rock bottom, advice greatly received....

[This message edited by Pootle at 11:39 AM, July 30th (Friday)]

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jul. 30th, 2021   ·   location: UK
id 8679880
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 7:21 PM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

Sorry that you are here. You will be getting some responses soon, but it does tend to slow down on the weekend. Don't worry....it will pick up again shortly afterwards. Even more so if you give some more details to your story.

Right now, there are (2) key questions:

1. Are you taking care of your personal health? Eating and drinking properly?

2. What is your WS doing to help you? Answering any and all questions? Showing no defensiveness in the answers?

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3822   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8679921
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 7:36 PM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

have considered having some me space and asking WS to give me alone time, not sure if that would help or make things worse.

I tend to think it helps but that is just my opinion. The book “Cheating in a Nutshell” recommends a minimum 30 day therapeutic separation. Ideally your WS would move out of the family home if they are actually remorseful.

.

6 month affair is pretty long. The average is about 3 months

Are they expressing remorse? Or just regret? There's a difference, a pretty big one. Or maybe they don't feel much guilt at all?

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:38 PM, July 30th (Friday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49Married: Feb. 1996DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4266   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8679926
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 8:02 PM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

I simply keep overreacting to things as I'm stressed and that's when the nasty comments about the A come out. I don't know how to stop that....

Not an overreaction. Snark is pretty normal - you'll probably think it, even if you don;t say it.

My reco is to name (and feel) your feelings when you talk. 'I'm angry/sad/scared/ashamed that you did ___' is more powerful than, 'You SOB!'

...have considered having some me space and asking WS to give me alone time, not sure if that would help or make things worse.

If you think alone time will be healing, go for it. I think it's probably healing for most of us, especially in this sitch in which our minds get overloaded with feelings and thoughts.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26050   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8679939
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 8:08 PM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

Brother your mind will be all over the place. It may have occurred in 2019. But to you it only ceased the day she told you so it isn’t 18 months old but fresh now.
You need to do a few thing right now.
Get tested for STDs and STIs, same with your WW. They didn’t practice safe sex.
Take your time in making long term relationship decisions as your mind set is going to rise and fall daily. Seek legal advice you need to know your rights and her responsibilities.
Look at your finances was this her exit A and has she been putting funds aside? Did she shower her AP with gifts and more.
If you are going to try to R get her to write out a time long of her A. Both a PG and Adult versions but warning once read it can never be unseen.
What was her mindset? How did she justify her deliberate actions and conscious decisions? It was never a mistake she made choices and could have stopped at any time before it got emotional and physical.
Remember cheaters lie, they lie a lot so to control the fall out and to save face. She will say thing like it will only hurt you or knowing will only hinder your recovery. That is her just TT you.
If you want to work with her together then there has to be NC between them. So a non emotional NC letter needs to sent to AP and the OBS. If they work together then she will need to quit. If they have contact the A can start up and go deep. AP isn’t a friend he and all supporters of her A are toxic and Edd to be removed from your group of family and friends.
Inform the other betrayed spouse she also has a right to know and also to be tested. You don’t need her approval for this.
IC before MC and never accept blame for her A. You contributed to 50% of all marriage issues but nothing to her A. It is all on her.
One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1192   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8679941
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 4:09 AM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021

Firstly you do not have to put the pressure on yourself to commit to D or R. You’re in shock at the moment and shock does mess with our brains and bodies, you’ll read from SI members to keep your water intake up and don’t drink alcohol for a bit, this is because a brain in shock dehydrates faster than usual which results in poor judgement and decision making as well as slow reaction times and inability to control moods. Keep a bottle close and sip on it when you can.

I do believe distance next is key, if you have a spare room make your wayward sleep there with strict boundaries of ‘the martial bedroom is off limits’, put a new lock on the door if you must. Depending on how manipulative your wayward is, during this first impact of Dday you do not want them influencing your choices.

There is a fabulous tool here called the ‘healing library’ ( if logged in the link is in the yellow box up in the left column) head there and click the ‘articles’ link and read everything. Fast helpful information instantly.

Implement the 180 ( two articles on this and how to do it in the article section of healing library)

If you’ve gone off food buy some meal replacement shakes to get nutrients over and done with.

Ask yourself if this is a dealbreaker. Don’t dream or hope or wish for the spouse you thought you had, look at the past actions and behaviours over the recent years, is this the partner you truly want to fight for?

Since it’s so fresh finding your feet before you make the big decisions is what’s important

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 154   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8680062
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 Pootle (original poster new member #79202) posted at 4:32 PM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

@jb3199

Right now, there are (2) key questions:

1. Are you taking care of your personal health? Eating and drinking properly?

2. What is your WS doing to help you? Answering any and all questions? Showing no defensiveness in the answers?

1. I never really did that anyway, so it's something I want to start doing now.

2. WS seems to want to justify behaviour by noting that b4 we meet I too had an A with a previous partner. Also that A would not have happened if there wasn't a prob in the M

Feelings today - Angry, frustrated.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jul. 30th, 2021   ·   location: UK
id 8680551
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DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 4:41 PM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

I simply keep overreacting to things.....

I can almost assuredly say that, short of serious physical harm, nothing you could say or do would be "overreacting" in response to dealing with a cheater and infidelity. Anything you think is overreacting it very much likely normal, appropriate, reasonable, expected, reaction to the worst experience you may have in your life. Dealing with the trauma of a lying, cheater, and infidelity in general, it a very painful, difficult, and trauma filled experience.

"Overreacting" is normal and expected in the face of trying to make sense of life with a broken, lying, cheating, partner.

I am sorry you find yourself here, but it is the best place to be when dealing with these things.

posts: 1726   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8680555
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 5:12 PM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

Infidelity is real trauma. Our culture has this tenancy to tell guys to "man up", without defining what that is, other than shutting up an pretending that shit sandwich they were served is tastey. The first thing I would do is go easy on yourselvf. Learn to forgive yourself for not meeting some unrealistic ideal of how you should be processing your trauma. Seek out advice on how to sit in or walk through the pain. In western society, we need to control and dominate our emotions, where eastern philosophies tend to turn into them and embrace them as valuable teaching tools. This has helped me immensely as I have come to learn that I merely experience feelings momentarily. They are not WHO I am.

I'm 3-4 years out and still get ragey. It's the PISD. Getting better, but a process. Men need men to talk to. Iron sharpens iron, so I hope you have someone IRL to halp you. Women seem to have a stronger social network than men do, and they are generally more socially and emotionally developed. If you can find men who are more open to discussing the gritty, messy stuff, better.

Read, a lot. But dont just read books on cheating. What happened to you does not define you. It may take up a shitloadvof your thoughts right now, but there is another you underneath that. Learn to nurture that. Right now I have transitioned to books that help me understand myself, that have nothing to do with infidelity. I figure I have 25 years left to live, might as well live them.

The trauma you experienced is yours, as is the process to deal with it. It needs to be authentic and real, or you will be dealing with it for a lifetime. Infidelity is terrible, but it is just something that happened to you. It is not you. Be kind to yourself.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 12:01 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday)]

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1110   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8680568
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DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 5:44 PM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

Also that A would not have happened if there wasn't a prob in the M.....

No M issue ever caused an A or causes a cheater to cheat. None. Period. End of that discussion. People cheat because they have flexible boundaries. If you have a principle upon which you live your life, what others do, even in a relationship, will not be a cause for you to bend or disregard your principles. People cheat because they either have no clear and reliable principles/boundaries, or they think they do but are willing to bend or brake then as the whim of whatever "reason" they decide allows them to. These are terribly broken people, unreliable, and unsafe.

He did not cheat because of your M issues, he cheated, lied, manipulated because he has no commitment to not doing so. That is the issue. If you cannot live with another person or the M problems, you leave, you extract yourself from what you find toxic or unacceptable. You do not cheat unless you have no respect for boundaries and are prone to make excuses for breaking trust whenever and for whatever reason you deem reasonable.

Cheating is not caused by difficulties in a relationship, it is caused by broken character: a willingness to lie, manipulate, and betray. Those are not caused by relationship problems. Those that blame others or M problems for their cheating are very dangerous as partners.

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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 9:53 PM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

You’re not overreacting, your mind is trying to process a trauma. DD was on a anniversary, why did WS cone clean on that day? Has your WS been open and transparent about what happened, answering all your questions? Is AP still in your lives?

Your WS isn’t currently remorseful as they aren’t owning what they’ve done and are blame shifting. I’m really sorry you’re in this situation, please take care of yourself by hydrating, eating healthier & engaging in some physical activity.

You may want to expose to more people to expand your support network, and if not in therapy now, enroll asap. Again, take care of yourself. And keep posting.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 192   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8680665
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Anna123 ( member #70908) posted at 2:19 AM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

Also that A would not have happened if there wasn't a prob in the M.....

No M issue ever caused an A or causes a cheater to cheat. None. Period. End of that discussion.

Ditto. Cheating on a spouse because of a marriage problems is like embezzling from a boss or workplace because of work problems.

I am not impressed with his justifying his behavior regardless. It is not a good sign at all.

Take care of yourself while you work through this.

posts: 624   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8680738
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 Pootle (original poster new member #79202) posted at 12:01 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

Thank you all for your support so far.

I was asked to post more details so here goes, it's still very raw so please bear with me.

On our 6th wedding anniversary WS told me about the A in 2019 as she wanted to give me 110% and couldn't whilst holding onto this secret.

I'm gonna brain dump now folks:

WS said it lasted 6months approx. and is now over, didn't end as friends no further contact.

WS said she had been to a mutual friends and then gone to AP before coming home to me. Relations had been had in the car she is still driving, and also in the AP's house not in our marital home. WS also mentioned she had taken time off work to spend with AP.

I was and still am gobsmacked, as when we discussed things like affairs which we had both had in our past, I believed we understood we were exclusive and affairs were a deal breaker a no go area.

We are still living together, still sleeping in the same bed without intimacy as I cannot bring myself to it as I am battling a ghost of the AP.

I do not feel the WS regrets it and realises what she has done, and certainly doesn't take responsibility. She does say she feels guilty.

I am unable to get any real space, as WS says how can we fix things if we are apart, v's my how can fix things whilst together and and my head is mashed.

I'm thinking this could be start of a new chapter, as this is my opportunity to make clear my boundaries, but I'm not sure how to express those boundaries without conflict.

Also there is a 20+ yr age gap between us, so we have different maturities, outlooks, approaches to life.

Feelings today - Angry, Sad, confused, emotional.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jul. 30th, 2021   ·   location: UK
id 8680789
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DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 2:08 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

You have several fundamental problems with your thinking and you will never heal as long as you allow yourself to think in certain ways. For example:

....this is my opportunity to make clear my boundaries, but I'm not sure how to express those boundaries without conflict.

Of course, you already set your boundary when you said you told her that cheating was a deal breaker. It appears that boundary was not a boundary but a hoped for condition. You also are trying to control the outcome which you CAN NOT DO!!!!!! You want to tell her your boundaries without her reacting negatively (in your words, without conflict). She undoubtedly knows your weakness on this and sees you as not requiring compliance of what you say, because you fear the conflict that could come from standing your ground.

....WS says how can we fix things if we are apart, v's my how can fix things whilst together and and my head is mashed.

This is NOT NOT NOT an M problem that you both need to work out. This is primarily a broken, cheating, comfortable with betrayal WW problem and only she can fix that. You have to separate the M from what are hers alone to own. You cannot fix an M while one of the parties has not first owned their brokenness, takes responsibility for their actions, sheds the notions that the M issues caused it, and then does the work to fix their issues to make them safe and trustworthy.......then you can decide if the M can be repaired.

You will be thoroughly unsuccessful at any of the things you want if you allow yourself to rugsweep and avoid (i.e., worried about creating conflict simply by stating your boundaries).

I know you are very early in this and it is very painful. But, you must get your feet under you when it comes to not trying to say "the right thing" or worry that setting boundaries and requiring her to own her abhorrent choices. She must get to a place where she can own her own choices and embrace remorse and empathy before she will never be safe enough to trust with some more unenforced boundaries.

Character and honesty and remorse for things done wrong to others are not age based concepts.

posts: 1726   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8680817
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 2:44 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

^
Pootle - Every last word of what DIFM is giving you.

Thank you for the addt’l details. I know this is incredibly difficult for you. Your WW cannot feel guilty if she doesn’t regret what she’s done. She has no true regret, let alone remorse, thus there’s nothing to work with. As DIFM points out, this isn’t a marriage issue, this is a WW issue and she contradicts herself. She says she spilled to give 110% of herself but she doesn’t take responsibility or regret what she’s done? You are correct in that WW doesn’t seem to get the effects of her actions. But incorrect in what you want, a non contentious road to your desired resolution, which you cannot control.

You need space to process this betrayal. JMO one of you should leave. At the very very least you shouldn’t be sharing the same room & bed! I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Take care of yourself. Surround yourself with a support network of family & friends. Gain some distance from WW. Eat, sleep, hydrate & engage in some physical activity. Enroll in therapy. Keep posting.

BTW DIFM,

Character and honesty and remorse for things done wrong to others are not age based concepts.


Brilliant, I’m stealing this.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 192   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8680830
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 3:46 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

I am unable to get any real space, as WS says how can we fix things if we are apart, v's my how can fix things whilst together and my head is mashed.

You are quite right - you probably need some space away from her to get things sorted out. There's nothing wrong with that. Do you have some place you could go for a few days?

One of the post-dday books I read switched the A with your spouse (SO) physically assaulting you. If she had beat you, why would you want to stay in the same place while you get your thoughts together?

Do what is best for you.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 653   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8680849
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 3:52 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

DIFM is spot on--the relationship is NOT the issue. It never was as it pertains to infidelity.

I do not feel the WS regrets it and realises what she has done, and certainly doesn't take responsibility. She does say she feels guilty.

All I can tell you is that at this point, this mentality will never allow her to be a safe partner. The guilt she feels is 100% for her.....not you.

Regret is about her pain.

Remorse is about your pain.

I am unable to get any real space, as WS says how can we fix things if we are apart, v's my how can fix things whilst together and and my head is mashed.

See how it's still about what she thinks that you need? Never mind what you have stated....that is secondary in her mind.

I'm thinking this could be start of a new chapter, as this is my opportunity to make clear my boundaries, but I'm not sure how to express those boundaries without conflict.

Pootle, unfortunately, this quote is targeted at you. I know that you are still raw, but hear me out--WHO CARES IF YOUR BOUNDARIES CAUSE CONFLICT??!! Your boundaries are just that--conditions that YOU will and will not tolerate. They are part of your character. They represent what you are.

I like to take a drastic example, but I think it is the perfect place to show this: let's say that I love kicking puppies and babies. Steel tipped boots for added injuries. Would you accept my behavior? Would you want someone like me in your life??? I am assuming that your BOUNDARIES would tell you--"This idiot can f@ck off. I will NEVER accept that guy to do anything like that around me....assuming that I even let him near me."

See? Those are your boundaries. The only reason that there would be any conflict is if someone isn't accepting of your boundaries. And what would you do then? Change your core beliefs to please someone else? Don't ever do that. Never compromise your integrity for anyone else. So, if your partner's behavior isn't in sync with your boundaries, do you even want to be with someone like this?

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3822   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8680853
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 Pootle (original poster new member #79202) posted at 12:12 PM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

so a new development last night b4 our counselling session.

There was no A it never happened, it was an attention seeking ploy.

Feelings today: Brain officially fried, unable to focus, unable to distinguish what to believe, choosing to believe nothing I fear may be the best policy

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jul. 30th, 2021   ·   location: UK
id 8681132
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 3:01 PM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

Pootle-

I think your wife didn’t anticipate your reaction. Since you initially didn’t know she had an affair she can now state it’s not true. Regardless, what you know for certain is your wife is a liar and in need of some individual therapeutic services.

We were told the affair was 6 months in 2019 but not much more. When in 2019 (from what month to what month?) Who was the alleged AP? Where did they meet? How did she say the affair began? Why did she say it ended? Who did she say ended it? Why did she say it wasn’t ended friendly?

WS said she had been to a mutual friends and then gone to AP before coming home to me.


I never really understood what you meant by this, can you explain further?

When she initially said she had an affair, did you think back to that time period and think something like: “this explains her behavior back then” -or- “I thought something was off during that time but brushed it off but now it makes sense”

I’m trying to figure out how likely the story was true or if she’s in panic mode trying to cover her ass.

You can also tell her she has to take a poly now.
Pootle-

I think your wife didn’t anticipate your reaction. Since you initially didn’t know she had an affair she can now state it’s not true. Regardless, what you know for certain is your wife is a liar and in need of some individual therapeutic services.

We were told the affair was 6 months in 2019 but not much more. When in 2019 (from what month to what month?) Who was the alleged AP? Where did they meet? How did she say the affair began? Why did she say it ended? Who did she say ended it? Why did she say it wasn’t ended friendly?

WS said she had been to a mutual friends and then gone to AP before coming home to me.

I never really understood what you meant by this, can you explain further?

When she initially said she had an affair, did you think back to that time period and think something like: "this explains her behavior back then" -or- "I thought something was off during that time but brushed it off but now it makes sense"

I’m trying to figure out how likely the story was true or if she’s in panic mode trying to cover her ass.

You can also tell her she has to take a poly now.

[This message edited by Aletheia at 3:06 PM, Wednesday, August 4th]

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 192   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8681177
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 3:25 PM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

so a new development last night b4 our counselling session.

There was no A it never happened, it was an attention seeking ploy.

Well... that's a new one. Confess to an A then deny that it happened. That's some really special crazymaking crap.

She blew up your world and then said, "Just kidding!" Yeah, no. I agree that she didn't like your reaction and is trying to walk it back.

She needs help.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 461   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8681188
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