Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Fooled again


 Legatus (original poster Member #79152) posted at 3:11 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

I initially posted this on the reconciliation forum, but over a few days I realized I’m a just found outer again.

My wife and I are about two years post affair discovery. Here's the brief back story.

Wife had a EA with her former boss. It had likely been going on for years before it hit my radar. We were friends with him and his wife and did couple things together from time to time, but my wife and him starting to run together and that's when it started. In hind sight I feel a little stupid not picking up on it much sooner than I did, but I completely trusted my wife and believed she was telling me the truth. It was a deep trust, which wasn't typical for me with previous partners.

Their relationship started to bother me but I kept it to myself. I didn't even know about the concept of an EA at that time. Around the time it started bothering me we decided to move out of state across the country to be closer to family and for a better place to raise our young children. I felt better about the situation because they would not be working or running together. Again at this point I was worried only about a PA with no concept of a EA.

After we moved they continued to message each other and talk on the phone from time to time. I was ok with that only because I thought it was accruing a lot less than it actually was. Fast forward a couple years and we are in marriage counseling. The reason for the counseling was we were having a recurring argument about her not living up to her end of the agreement to resume working after the kids were in school. During the counseling she brought up that she missed her old friends, she listed female friends, but also listed her old boss. She said there was a half marathon coming up in his town and she wanted to go run it with him and his wife. I agreed, we resolved the before mentioned argument and that was that.

She flies out there for the race and I call her the first night. Turns out his wife was not in town, but was out of town on work for a last minute project she had to take care of. My wife knew about her not being there prior to going, but never told me about it. I started to dig that weekend. Everything you would expect to find. Phone calls well in excess of what I knew about. Tests at all time of the day and night.

When she came home I confronted her with the phone calls and asked if they were having a PA. She denied it, just friends, im being controlling and paranoid. Classic playbook stuff. This was the beginning of a year and a half of hell which I could have saved myself from if I had been more educated about affairs and how they work. Deleted messages, no contact agreements broken, gas lighting, a couple marriage counselors. I became an expert affair investigator or as close as you can get. I work professionally investigating child abuse cases, so I had a lot of tools in my tool bag to work with. Every time she went underground deeper I followed and uncovered the deceit. Confronted her and she would get mad that I had spied on her. I never uncovered any evidence of a PA, although I've always suspected it. I found a lot of information though and feel like there would have been some indication. I think she rationalized them being just friends because there was not a PA.

Eventually I figured out I was just pursuing her and trying to control what she did. I looked at the unhappy person who spent the majority of my day thinking about it or spying and I said enough. I told her I was filing for divorce. I didn't say I was filing unless she did something, I just said I was.

We decided give marriage counseling one more shot. My counselor made a recommendation and hit a home run. This new counselor was great. In counseling my wife refused to characterize her relationship as an emotional affair, just friends. During that session I asked my wife if she had communicated with him recently and she said no. I took a pile of email printouts dated from the last week between her and he man and handed it to the counselor. The emails weren't damming except they proved she was actively lying to me and the counselor. The counselor confronted her somewhat aggressively. She said the man was aware of his impact on the marriage and if he were truly just a friend he would back off not have secret phone calls and emails. That visit ended with the counselor telling my wife there was nothing she could do for us unless my wife accepted it was an affair and wanted to focus on the marriage. We stopped counseling.

That's where I made my next mistake. I had met with an attorney and was starting the process of divorce. I started to have conversations about division of assets. Turned out she thought I was going to go live in a shack and she would stay in the family home and live life as normal. I spelled out the financial situation to her and she started to do the math. Crap, all the sudden her affair was going to cost her something because my pain didn't seem to have any cost to her. She came to me in the month following and said she chose me and wanted our marriage to be rebuilt. She agreed to the NC (again)and to let me see her devices any time I wanted. The thing is, I had to fight her on that even. In reading other posts I see the best cases are ones where the betraying spouse in proactive about wanting to rebuild trust out of a feeling of remorse. She reluctantly agreed to the bare minimum. I should have realized in the moment how empty those agreements were for us.

Since then things have actually felt pretty good. Sex is good, time together seems meaningful. I had initially asked to see her devices a couple time and she complied. I eventually decided to resist asking her to see devices. If she was going to cheat again I couldn't stop that and I knew that if she started up again I would figure it out eventually even without spying. I didn't want to live a life being a full time investigator at home.

2 years since I discovered the EA and I started to get that nagging feeling. She was visiting my mother with the kids in California. I couldn't go because of work. I messaged her and asked for the login information for her work computer. Keep in mind it had been a good 9 months since I asked to see anything and maybe 4 times total since she agreed to let me see them. She went into a dialog about how me asking has triggered her and made her feel controlled... She said she wanted to be with me when I looked at it, which was a week away. I figured since she didn't have possession of the laptop it was secure. I figured I could wait a week. What I didn't expect is the emotional creep that's occurred during that week. I feel like I did during the bad times. She's home now, I haven't seen the computer. I asked for permission to hold onto the computer until she was ready for us to look at it. I didn't want her to be able to do clean up. I'm assuming she has accessed the work email remotely since it's strange she hasn't wanted to attend to work emails.

I don't want to go through the dance again, but I don't want to jump straight to divorce without new evidence. My thought is to start the 180 treatment and begin moving on. If she approaches me to reconcile I won't do it unless she is taking proactive steps, basically chasing me.

Please don't speculate on if there was a PA. I've gone round and round with that one and in my case I feel that the EA component was much more damaging than a PA. I've been tested and include it as part of my regular physical each year.

[This message edited by Legatus at 11:10 AM, July 23rd (Friday)]

posts: 78   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8677652

 Legatus (original poster Member #79152) posted at 3:13 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Then this

Since my earlier post I did a deep dig on her work computer. They had set up a shared document that they could communicate with. Apparently he set up something where the folder name would change automatically. Anyways, the folder was clean, but I was able do find a series of deleted files. It was as bit fragments and looked like computer code, but there were sentences and paragraphs embedded in it. This has been ongoing. Interesting enough they are still referring to themselves as friends in their messages. She complains a lot about me being suspicious. She is both worried about being caught and annoyed. My favorite one was when she was complaining about me being concerned about a new male coworker because of what happened between him and her. The data recovery mainly picked up her messages. I can see a deep emotional dependency. I have what I need now. I feel a little relieved that I don't have to dig for information anymore. So much work and it's emotional draining. We are in a no fault state, so I don't need to build a case on that.

She was upstairs and I texted her that I know everything. She came to my den and asked what I knew in in a way that showed me never thought I would be able to recover anything. I had a printout stack an inch thick (mostly gibberish code, only 3% of it was usable) I started reading one of her messages out loud and she freaked out. She started bawling and making noises I've never heard before. She begged me to tell her what she can do to fix it and maintained that she ended it again in May of this year. I told her I didn't believe a word coming out of her mouth. She asked me what she could do, adding that she would do anything. Normally at this point I would have agreements I'de want to to make like NC and complete disclosure. I looked at her and said I couldn't think of a single thing she could do to fix it. She said a lot and I said a little. She offered to sign a post nup where I would get everything. That would never stand up in court. I haven't told her I'm doing anything yet, but since I can't think of anything that can be done to rebuild trust, divorce seems to be the best option. Also, I deleted my initial post and lost the copy and have been too lazy/busy to redo it. Does anyone have any objection to me editing this post to include it again and leave this chat in this forum?

posts: 78   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8677654

nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 3:25 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

I agree with you. She's been given enough chances and she's blown it every time. If this really was her attempt to keep a "friendship" with OM, which I highly doubt, she's down right stupid to throw her marriage away for it. Allowing her to talk her way into another chance is a recipe for another DDay.

posts: 4964   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8677655

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:32 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

She’s in the sorry I got caught mode. She was bawling for herself at getting caught.

I’ll promise you the moon (fingers crossed behind back)

You were never in reconciliation and if you’ve been reading you know the score.

Hopium and denial are strong in these situations.

She’s just a typical cheater that’s smarter about it than most.

Reflecting back you should be able to see the signs now that you didn’t before. Words don’t mean squat. Actions dol

Notice one thing. Pretty typical. She wasn’t gonna tell you a thing until she saw what you had on her.

Inform the other mans wife.

Let her go and free yourself. If you stay you’ll probably get more.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:35 PM, July 22nd (Thursday)]

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id 8677657

GoldenR ( Member #54778) posted at 3:52 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Don't think I've ever seen a more clear case of "only sorry she got caught".

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 4:00 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

I think I posted on your other thread too.

Talk about blowing a second change, well, not even a second chance, multiple chances. She broke her NC, contacted him again, right under your nose and re-established the EA.

I'm pretty sure it wasn't just an EA, two adults working together who has all the time in the world for a full-blown lover affair, admitting to just an EA. No sir! That's not how it works.

I believe you should ask her for a full timeline from the first A up to present and why she decided to continue their A even if that almost cost you a D the first time. She needs to tell you every single detail of their affair.

She's been asking what she should do to fix it? She can't do anything now but at least be firm that you need every single truth from her now. If you can prove she's lying then just outright tell her that everything is done.

Good luck!

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id 8677667

 Legatus (original poster Member #79152) posted at 4:12 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Sorry that I got caught is the core of it. I’m done dancing with her. It’s super sad, because there was a time where I was the focus of her adoring the way he is now. I’m not filling that position now. I’m sad about it.

posts: 78   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8677669

 Legatus (original poster Member #79152) posted at 4:19 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Bebe 252. You are right. But really, what does it matter. I’ve been dealing with this knowingly since 2018, and based on my digging earlier. He has her hook in her. The sad thing for everyone I guess is I think he has a lot of hot plates on the range. If higher responsibility comes he won’t like it. I used knew a guy I worked with years ago that only targeted marriede women. He liked it because he got all the rewards and none of the responsibility. A real shit head. I think that’s what this guy is. He gets validated and feels good, but he won’t buy the cow.

posts: 78   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8677672

 Legatus (original poster Member #79152) posted at 4:19 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Bebe 252. You are right. But really, what does it matter. I’ve been dealing with this knowingly since 2018, and based on my digging earlier. He has her hook in her. The sad thing for everyone I guess is I think he has a lot of hot plates on the range. If higher responsibility comes he won’t like it. I used knew a guy I worked with years ago that only targeted marriede women. He liked it because he got all the rewards and none of the responsibility. A real shit head. I think that’s what this guy is. He gets validated and feels good, but he won’t buy the cow.

posts: 78   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8677673

SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 4:35 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Good Lord, your marriage is tug of war over her computer and her passwords. I sympathize that must be exhausting.

"I'm done dancing with her". Don't blame you man.

Tell her that. Tell her to make the case for you staying married to her.

My guess is you could keep stumbling along like this for years.

She gets you to babysit, provide financially for her and the kids, she gets thrills with this other guy. What kind of marriage is that for you?

A shitty one. You might have to end it, don't know if you can fix it/her.

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8677676

ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 4:47 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

I suggest you read your story and ask yourself: is this the way you want to live?

A marriage is not about a spouse constantly policing the other.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8677679

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 4:51 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

He has her hook in her.

Only because she’s allowing it. That’s the problem it’s not him.

She’s married to you….

If you accept the unacceptable you will get more of it.

Never be plan B. You are better than thwt.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:56 PM, July 22nd (Thursday)]

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8677680

beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 5:25 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

I’ve been dealing with this knowingly since 2018, and based on my digging earlier.

Can't blame you man. You've been dealing with this shit for 3 years. You've been very patient with her and she didn't realize you were watching the whole time.

I honestly don't think she deserve another chance. She deserves to be on the street as far as I'm concerned. If you're decided to file for D, I believe you already had a lawyer lined up based on your initial posts before. So you'll just have to resume what was initially paused.

Good luck!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8677682

RocketRaccoon ( Member #54620) posted at 6:01 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

She flies out there for the race and I call her the first night.

Just out of curiosity, where did your WS stay when she went for the race (am assuming it was at least an overnight trip)?

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 889   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8677687

Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 6:38 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

It's both remarkable and unremarkable how often cheaters seem to repeat. Really eye opening. Makes me wonder about my own WW, who of course would have been perfectly happy to have her fling, keep me in the dark and pretend nothing happened. She was sorry she got caught too, and that was it for a long time. Makes me wonder a lot about her and frankly most wayward spouses.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:38 AM, July 23rd (Friday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8677688

maxfocs ( New Member #78596) posted at 9:12 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:19 AM, July 23rd (Friday)]

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id 8677694

guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 10:25 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

It's sad that someone else was chosen over you. But it's even more sad that someone else was chosen over you at the expense of your marriage. The fact that you're on the verge of divorce for the same reason, and she continues to do the same, shows how little she values your marriage.

Her boss/AP also knew the situation. It is mentioned in their correspondence that you are uncomfortable with this. A good friend/good person who is just a friend would say, "If your husband is uncomfortable with this, we should stop it, I value our friendship, but it's not more important than your marriage, your family." He wouldn't look for insidious ways of communication.

I think you should call OBS and tell her what happened, maybe she has doubts too, maybe she has more concrete information or is in a position to reach. You can ask her, when the race happened, was it really a last-minute project, or was it already clear that she wouldn't be in town?

As RocketRaccoon asked above, where did she stay when she went to the race? Can you track her locations?

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 Legatus (original poster Member #79152) posted at 2:55 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

She stayed at his house. The first night it was just the two of them. A coworker stayed the second night. I’m assuming it became a PA at that time if not already.

My wife and her “friend” got to his wife before me and she is in the “their just friends camp”. Not sure there’s much of a point talking to her again.

I’m starting the hard 189 today. I still try to think of a way to rebuild trust, but I’m not coming up with anything. I don’t think there is anything.

posts: 78   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8677792

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 2:58 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Hopium will get you more of what you’ve been getting..

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
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 Legatus (original poster Member #79152) posted at 3:27 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Historically when she's been caught and I don't want to sleep in the same room as her I end up in the guest room. I'm considering buying a lock and installing on the master bedroom door to claim that area as mine. I'm not worried about her liking me anymore. Can anyone think of a reason why I should not do this? I won't hold her clothing or other possessions hostage.

posts: 78   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8677803
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