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How to do the 180 when you have kids around

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Stayinghopefull (original poster Member #57957) posted at 2:01 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

How do you do the 180 around the kids (mine are 17 & 15) with out looking like I’m the mean one? Long story short H had an A 17 years ago. We obviously R’d and things have been okay with bumps in the road. Just recently I was out of town with my daughters at one of their sporting events and he had to much to drink at a bar and spent the night at another woman’s house. He even picked her up to go to this bar. Then also spent the night there. He tried to hide it and but I asked and he said he spent the night there but nothing happened. I am having a hard time believing that nothing happened but even if it didn’t he still shouldn’t have done that. He admits he was wrong..blah blah blah. I couldn’t imagine ever doing that to him and our girls. anyways....just trying to figure out how when we are doing family things or just at home and he’s trying to act like nothing happened how do you do the 180 in front of the kids without seeming like a bitch. I don’t even want to talk to him right now. Still trying to decide my next step and don’t want to rush to Separate or D because of the kids and how much this will affect them. My girls know what he did because they are the ones that saw his location turned off that night. So sadly they know some of the details.

[This message edited by Stayinghopefull at 8:09 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)]

posts: 66   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2017
id 8675337
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OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 2:20 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

My girls know what he did because they are the ones that saw his location turned off that night.

He had the forethought to turn off his location???? But "nothing happened"????

Not a good sign. At all.

Are you digging??? Phone records? Emails? Text messages?

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8675342
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 3:14 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

I did the hard 180 with my kids around.

If they were home I was polite to him. He could eat dinner with us as a family. But if the kids were not home I completely ignored him and refused to speak to him. Or do his laundry. Or errands.

I did this for months.

And I would tell him when I was leaving and where I was going but not all the time. I just left him wondering what I was doing so he could see how it felt.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10519   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8675352
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 Stayinghopefull (original poster Member #57957) posted at 3:16 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

OwingiItNow - yep. He swears he didn’t turn his location s off but he obviously did. We have Life360 which has never been a problem before. We have two teenagers and we all use it. He’s the one that made the family circle for us to all see each other. I guess this came back to bite him. His last location was the bar. He next location the next morning was the bar the he came home. He obviously was trying to hide where he was. Usually we all see where we are. No matter what the time of day.

But yes, unfortunately I’m back to investigation mode. He’s out of town tonight and left his coveted iPad at home. I’ve been trying to dig around but he deletes everything quickly. So I can’t find much. I never delete anything. I have text on my phone from two years ago. Not that that’s good either.

I don’t have anything to hide so I don’t care.

posts: 66   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2017
id 8675354
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 Stayinghopefull (original poster Member #57957) posted at 3:42 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

The1stwife - this is what I am going to do and have been trying to do. We had a family trip this past weekend for our daughters birthday had a nice weekend. I didn’t want to make any big decisions before her birthday.

He’s out of town tonight. He called me 4 times. I didn’t answer. He text me and needed me to scan him something for work. So I did. We had to have something done to our house today for repair. He asked me to keep him updated about it. So I text him once to let him know how it went. That’s it. He went to a Mexican restaurant with a customer and text me a picture of the menu. Knowing how much I love mexican. Usually I would say...omg. I’m so jealous..... this time I didn’t even respond.

posts: 66   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2017
id 8675358
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Sofarsogood ( Member #71991) posted at 4:46 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Sounds like your WH is definitely hiding something. Any chance for a polygraph?

posts: 272   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8675364
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 10:47 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Good for you for protecting yourself. Obviously he’s trying to get out of the doghouse with little to no consequences.

Unless he will admit the truth — all of it — you will be forced to reconcile with a remorseless cheater. And the common thinking here at SI is that without remorse, the cheater sill cheat again. It is difficult to reconcile with a remorseless cheater of a spouse/partner.

My H had a 4 year EA in the 90s. Refused to admit it. Refused to discuss it. It ended snd was rug swept. It was very easy for him to have another affair b/c there were no consequences to the first one AND he thought he was wiser and clever b/c he got away with the first one.

Except the second time around I stood up to him and refused to back down on anything. When he was begging to R I was planning to D him. And he knew he pushed me too far and took me for granted too.

You obviously cannot make him admit anything. You cannot change his behavior either.

But you don’t have to accept it or live with it either. You do have options. I’m not saying you have to D or S or do anything you are not ready to do.

But have an exit strategy ready just in case. And know that your children are watching and you are setting an example for them.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:50 AM, July 14th (Wednesday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10519   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8675400
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:39 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

What is your goal in doing the 180?

Remember: it's a tool for detaching from an unremorseful WS. It minimizes communication. If R is still on the table, you need to maximize communication to see if he's a good candidate for R.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25999   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8675476
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scaredwoman ( Member #78680) posted at 6:14 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

don’t want to rush to Separate or D because of the kids and how much this will affect them.

It has already affected them, and how you choose to move forward is something they will see and learn. Do you want them to believe that cheating is acceptable in a marriage? Let's pretend that he didn't stray (he did) but that he just stayed at her house. And he turned off the location deliberately. Do you want your kids to learn that this behavior is acceptable?

Unfortunately, his actions say he strayed, I'm sorry.

posts: 153   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8675488
Topic is Sleeping.
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