Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Found deep emotional Snapchats on her phone

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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 8:32 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

I would disagree with calling this "only" an emotional affair (Not to minimize emotional affairs, which are extremely damaging.) and that your cheating wife "didn't cross the line physically"

Once people start engaging in sexually explicit activities outside of their relationship, whether it is over video, sexting etc. - That's physical!

Was her getting off in front of you part of your sex life? Did she say the same loving and/or highly sexually charged things? Did she sext you? If she did things such as masturbate or penetrate herself for another man's viewing pleasure, it crossed the line into physical.

Maybe she didn't touch anyone else's dick, and I personally would consider that to be even worse, but what she has done is pretty fucking bad as it is.

What you have here is for certain an emotional affair + a long-distance or virtual physical affair. By the way, I have read dozens of similar stories where online affairs end up with in-person consumation, or there was a ongoing in-person aspect that was not known.

***

Having said that, I think the question here is not so much "can you reconcile with your wife?", but more if you want to reconcile with her.

I don't mean to sound callous, but she appears to be kinda nuts if not diagnosably mentally ill.

I think you have already decided: You don't want this in your life going forward.

I'm not somebody who has a lot of confidence in people finding the happiness they deserve in their lives with cheater or liars. I don't think people profoundly change very often once they are adults, it is rare. Even more rare when combined with mental disorders.

And even if she did change, what she did may be unacceptable to you and a deal breaker.

Outside of your own life, you may also consider what the affect on your future children might be.

Again, it appears you know your course. Just adding my point of view.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 5:10 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)]

posts: 873   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8675241
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Stayinghopefull ( Member #57957) posted at 8:39 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

If you don’t have kids RUN before it’s too late. You have an opportunity to find a life with someone that will respect you. Heck. You don’t even need to find anyone. The thought of not having a spouse for a whole seems so much better than what we are going through now.

posts: 66   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2017
id 8675246
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 9:02 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

I've always given her checks for the mortgage, but for the last 8 months she hasn't cashed any, there is nearly 8k hanging over my head.

So financial infidelity as well.

This compounds the already horrific betrayal.

Sorry, you need to get out.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8675254
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 9:25 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

No kids, no ambition or desire, just living in this house together. I literally NEEDED an answer because I couldn't think of one and all I do for a living is come up with solutions to tough problems. She replied with "I don't know". Says enough right there, then I found out what she was doing and I understood her answer.

You do all the work, put food on the table and even do the groceries yourself and 95% house chores. Does it mean that she's always talking/sexting with her 'sex worker' relationship, whatever she calls him?

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8675262
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Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 9:39 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

I think that if you are in a position where you feel comfortable in leaving and divorcing, then use it to your advantage and do so.

Reconciliation is a hard road and tbh, your wife does not sound capable of doing the work.

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8675270
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 9:47 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

No one can criticize her, including her parents. She says "how about you not tell me how to live my life, thanks?"

I wonder if she'll have that same mindset if you decide to file for divorce. I wonder if her parents will accept her going back to her old bedroom at their house for her to go online. Or better yet, pay her mortgage so she can keep the house, and continue her online gaming.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8675274
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 10:37 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

This is not a marriage. It’s a grown man babysitting a kid. You deserve better than this.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2907   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8675289
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 12:44 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

I guess you shouldn't be living with your roommate anymore.

You'd better get a D while you don't have kids and much in common yet.

As you can see from the conditions that some have listed for R, it is a very difficult path with a little possibility of success. You shouldn't waste your time until you reach a point of no return. Instead, you should use it to get a chance at a happy life with someone who deserves you (or alone if you want).

It seems that in a life without your current marriage, you will have to do much less work and spend less money if you only care for your own needs.And as a bonus, you will be able to have sex.

I suggest you just run.

I wouldn't suggest giving her a chance for R by giving an "if you do this" speech. R process really wears you out.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8675316
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RocketRaccoon ( Member #54620) posted at 4:39 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Okay, first and foremost; you are NOT responsible for her having an A (this is assuming there was only 1 AP, but could well have been more). It was HER choice not to communicate with you first, before embarking on that destructive.

Next, going to be blunt; stop enabling her.

What do i mean?

- Stop cooking/cleaning/etc for her.

- Stop going onto the game just so that you can spend time with her.

- Stop paying for things for her.

- Stop buying her things.

By treating her like a child, she then becomes more like a child/teenager. She has now prioritized her online life over you, as evidenced by you having to spend time on the game to be 'with' her.

Her addiction to the game has taken over her life.

At the moment, she has no consequences that she really feels.... as long as she has her online gaming community (Note: this is a hint).

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 889   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8675363
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 4:56 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

You should end this farce of a M. Run !!!

posts: 2412   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8675367
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 Tremfya (original poster New Member #79119) posted at 1:41 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

I am calling another attorney later today... one in my area I really liked is not free for even a consultation until next Monday. I'd like to possibly meet and get an idea before the end of this week of what I can do, or even get dissolution papers drafted.

@TheLostOne2020 That is how I feel, it is just time biding while she figures out what to do, or to drain her finances and claim she needs support. I will definitely get therapy on my own, I have some massive trust issues with women now. I hate that I had to get into the mindset of snooping on my wife. She would never admit to anything though, she never has in her life unless you confront her with piles of proof. Once I did that, and she knew I had copies of copies saved her attitude changed. Now I just feel slighted that it took her getting caught in an affair (basically) to want to change. What in the fuck, how can someone justify that in their head!?

@faithfulman I agree with you it is more than an emotional affair. No she never did that with me, she always would say she never wanted pictures like that of her out there. I actually sent her some while I was on vacation and she replied with a few snaps. I found out when I came home that she sent them to him earlier in the day, but told me "I hope snapchat doesn't save these lol"

All my doubt about what was going on started because I knew she was pulling out a BOB even on days I was off work instead of even showing an interest! She is not the type to watch porn so I had my suspicions on what she was using as material.

And I agree there is some mental illness there which is what has me torn the most, feeling bad about leaving when she isn't in the right mind state.

Then again, she knew enough to keep that hidden for several months, and had the capacity for all those mental gymnastics to rationalize it. There is no excuse and again, plenty of opportunity along the way to talk with me instead of jumping off the deep end.

I can't even talk to her about that game, as soon as it is brought up I get screamed in the face and called a fucking asshole for pushing her buttons. She thinks it has zero influence. I literally was waking her up on my day off during the week because her alarm would be going at full blast for 15 minutes. I wondered how in the fuck she was waking up the rest of the week, which is immediately followed up by bloody murder volume screaming.

[This message edited by Tremfya at 8:48 AM, July 14th (Wednesday)]

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2021
id 8675413
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 2:04 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

I hate that I had to get into the mindset of snooping on my wife

It wasn't snooping.

You are in an abusive relationship. Get out.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:43 AM, July 14th (Wednesday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8675419
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goalong ( Member #57352) posted at 2:13 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Next time screaming and calling you names , record it under spousal abuse. You may need it later

posts: 772   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8675421
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 3:46 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Then I would simply say “you’ve shown you care more about interacting with people thru a game, having virtual and physical sexual interaction with them, then you do a life with me. So I am moving on without you. I wish you well.

If you ever decide to do the work to get past this addiction, give me a call, and if I’m in a place and time of my life where I’m interested in talking I’ll let you know.”

Then stop talking about it with her. Start doing the things you mention to begin moving on w your life and healing from her infidelity.

There is no other path to take without staying in limbo with her painful attitude and approach to a relationship.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3167   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8675443
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 5:40 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Even if your WW did not put you on title, the equity accumulated during the duration of your marriage you are entitled to half, and housing has been going on like wildfire the last 2 yrs.

You can use the offset of the home equity to your potential alimony if she is still not working by the time you D. But I'm still confident that your wifes PHD will make the judge pause and he will make her work. She cant just sit home and play video games.

Like others have said, you're supporting a child, not a wife. You do everything, and its damn time you got a partner that is your equal. Let her have her fantasy game boy, and soon enough, she'll realize it sucks when you have no one there to take care of you.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8675478
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 5:44 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

I've always given her checks for the mortgage, but for the last 8 months she hasn't cashed any, there is nearly 8k hanging over my head.

Her shiny new love interest is laughing all the way to his bank I’d bet.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8675479
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 7:18 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

You have married a child. Was she overly cocooned by her parents? Could never do anything wrong? Was never her fault?

Unless she suddenly mature, there’s not much choice for you. Either take care of a child-woman while she sext online and do nothing else, or you move on with your life.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8675523
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CuriousObserver ( Member #78743) posted at 10:19 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Get that VAR and keep it on you so if you are falsely accused of DV you can defend yourself.

Recordings of her screaming fits when you try to have a discussion about your concerns will go a long way to defend you.

Good luck.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8675585
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 9:52 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

How’s it going?

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3167   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8676456
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Seeking2Forgive ( Member #78819) posted at 8:48 AM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

Hope you're moving forward and focusing on yourself, faithfulman.

What you've described doesn't sound like a marriage. It sounds like you've been a caretaker for a spoiled child.

I hope you've spoken with a lawyer. Unless they advise otherwise I think you should find a place with an affordable short term lease and move out immediately. Her convenient lack of financial commitment to the marriage works in your favor here.

Go hard 180. Think really carefully about whether there's any reason to consider R with this person. It sounds like she needs to do a lot of work on herself that she has no inclination to do before she would be able to participate in a genuinely loving relationship.

Know that you can be happy again without her. Once you detox from her you'll understand that pretty quickly.

Me: 59, BS
Her: 58, FWS
Dday: 11/15/03
Married 37 yrs
Reconciled

posts: 77   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8676527
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