Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Am I taking the right approach?

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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 9:35 AM on Saturday, July 24th, 2021

Have her served! You are just delaying the inevitable. In doing so you are pain shopping big time.

You need to move on.

Sorry for being blunt but she can’t help you. You need to help yourself.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8678123
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 4:50 PM on Saturday, July 24th, 2021

As much as I’d like to leave right away, I can’t. I know it’s impossible to understand if you have family, friends, colleagues or any sort of support system. You are simply not capable of putting yourself in my shoes if you have no experience of such absolute loneliness and isolation.

It's the opposite - I know how untrue this statement is because I've been there. I too have struggled with depression. Depression is a disease that tries to get you alone so that it can kill you. I KNOW that you have friends and family out there. I KNOW that there are people who care and would help you. But because you're depressed, you have a million and one excuses as to why you can't possibly bother or burden them with your problems. No matter how dire. No matter how serious. You could literally be dying and your depression will tell you not to reach out to say good bye because it will be too much for them.

Given your mental health, seeing a doctor is a good step. But please also talk to some people you know. Even if it's just conversations about the weather or what you've watched on TV lately. You need a support system. You need the reminder that people you know care. Doesn't matter if you haven't talked to them for 6 months, 3 years, or 10. Talk to someone.

posts: 4964   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8678171
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 5:23 PM on Saturday, July 24th, 2021

I'm sure that all seems hopeless, and there is little chance to get out of this toxic relationship, but it is not true. I have no doubt that your mental state is making things seem impossible. But you don't have to walk out that door tomorrow.

Think small. Think accomplishable. Take a small task, like "Today, I am not going to engage my wife in everyday conversation so everything feels normal. I will answer questions matter-of-factly. I will not engage in any sexual activity. I will not be drawn into any arguments. This is my goal for today."

And do it. If you do otherwise, you are doing so by choice. Remember, most of the battle right now is within yourself, so take these small goals, and accomplish them. Then set another small set, and so on. BABY STEPS---there is nothing wrong with doing these. I'm afraid right now that your concern is MORE for saving the relationship than getting out of it. Until you flip that script, things will not get better.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8678177
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 MisterStrange (original poster New Member #79103) posted at 6:23 AM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Update.

Nothing has changed much.

She hasn’t seen him physically since July, this I know for a fact as she’s spent 24/7 with me since.

But she’s kept messaging him online day in and day out. At times she’ll show me one of his messages as "proof" she couldn’t be in affair with him. He told her he got admitted to a psychiatric ward for a few days. Of course she had edited out her answers to him.

Whenever she tells me he’s sent her a message, she claims that they just come out of the blue and that she’s not in contact with him. When I tell her I find it unbelievable that he would keep messaging her if she doesn’t respond, she gets angry. And of course she doesn’t use her now suspended Facebook account so she can’t communicate with him - no matter that the text in my messenger app clearly states she’s "using messenger without Facebook" and that her profile photo keeps changing every few days. Not to mention her lack of answer as to why, if she’s not in any contact and finds him a repulsive nutcase, she just doesn’t block him.

We got a scare she might have been pregnant. In August, she said she wanted us to have a child, to turn over a new leaf. And so we tried, I was too tired to think straight and agreed.

Then she was late.

The verbal abuse was insane. She said if she is pregnant, she hates the little monster, said it’s a tumour, a cancer, said she wanted to kill it (not have an abortion but cause a miscarriage somehow), said it’s a thing, an abomination, a disease, said she’d never be a mother to my monster child, said she hates it already, said her life is over, said I’ve been keeping her captive and not letting her leave the house (which is untrue, she chose not to do so), went as far as saying that I should have understood to say no when she asked to have sex and that by failing to do so I’ve raped her. Kept repeating how her life is now over (which I assume meant her affair with him would effectively be over if she did have a child).

Said I’m a disgusting and ugly man, a pig, an abuser, a rapist and she hopes I’ll burn in hell after I die.

After it turned out to be a false alarm, I’m all of a sudden the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, I’m wonderful, she loves me, she can’t imagine anyone else being as supportive as I am.

All the while she’s tapping away with him, relieved and happy - until I show the slightest of emotion suggesting I know what she’s doing and don’t like it. Then comes the tense, gravelly witch voice again: "So what are YOU so unhappy with, huh? Something to say?"

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
id 8686734
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June14 ( New Member #79139) posted at 8:58 AM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Why do you think you deserve deep emotional abuse?

Sure you may have had arguments and fights in the marriage until now but to allow her to EMOTIONALLY TORTURE YOU DAY IN AND DAY OUT IS JUST WRONG

BE KIND TO YOURSELF CUT THE TUMOUR OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2021
id 8686739
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rugswept ( Member #48084) posted at 10:01 AM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Exit stage left. Do not look back.
This is so over.

Evaluate the financials after the consult with the D attorney, serve and move on.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 956   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8686740
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GoldenR ( Member #54778) posted at 11:57 AM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

I think you should just stay with her. She's not so bad.

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8686742
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Blandy ( Member #79252) posted at 1:17 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

I just read through this thread, and it reads like there's a bit of Stockholm Syndrome going on.

1. You state that you're financially dependent on her.. What's stopping you from starting your career back up?

2. You state that you have no support system to D. What support system do you have to remain with a psycho?

3. You state that you have witnessed her mother treat her father like complete shit. How can you see the writing on the wall, your future, and decide that it sounds better than being alone for a while?

4. Have you even talked to a lawyer at this point? While she may not have been banging the dude for the past month or so, she'll go right back to it once the opportunity presents itself.

You're in a situation where you found that being in a complete shitshow is somehow more appealing than being alone. It's not, being alone isn't so bad. You get a chance to meet a great person (you) and you may be shocked on how supportive that person can be.

posts: 59   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8686751
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 1:21 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Sorry man but you are your biggest problem. Talk or words = nothing.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8686752
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 4:03 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Nothing changes if you change nothing.

posts: 4964   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8686791
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Wanttobebetter ( Member #72484) posted at 4:59 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

dude - it's been two months of nothing but self pity and no practical steps to get yourself out if infidelity. A few pages back, I asked similar questions like Blandy did but not seeing you post about moving forward. Instead, you seem to take a few steps backward. Depression is no joke but isn't an excuse to not doing anything to change either. Get yourself to a doctor, get some meds for your depression and start taking steps to get yourself away from your wife.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8686812
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Jameson1977 ( Member #54177) posted at 7:06 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

MisterStrange, your last update would be extremely concerning for me. Your WW is off the rails completely. I’d be very worried about false domestic violence claims against you.

What is there to save after what she said to you about the possibility of being pregnant? And good god, do not sleep with this woman again!! Carry a VAR or video these interactions. You need to protect yourself.

posts: 719   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8686853
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BindassBP ( Member #75283) posted at 10:27 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

I just read through this thread, and it reads like there's a bit of Stockholm Syndrome going on.


I think Blandy is right. And all he is fixated on how she could do it. He is being abused and doesn't even know it. It's sad.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2020
id 8686897
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CuriousObserver ( Member #78743) posted at 11:22 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

MisterStrange,

To answer your question, NO! You are not taking the right approach!

What would you do if every time you were asleep or your back was turned to her, she was stabbing you with a penknife with a 1" long blade? Mentally, you know that she won't reach any organs with that knife and she has not been aiming at arteries, she just stabs you to hear you scream and watch you bleed. What would you do? WHAT ARE YOU PREPARED TO DO?!?!

She is abusing you just as seriously as if she was stabbing you. The affects of this abuse will last longer than any small stab wounds. Even physical torture is most damaging because of the psychological damage it does - the victimhood and fear it creates. You must change your mindset! You must start to see her treatment of you as seriously as if a Nazi Gestapo Sargent was holding a tazer over you while you are tied to a chair. This is that serious. Find someone in real life who can help you get away from this person immediately. Do not let her know your plans and just vanish and block all contact with her. Inform your helper to stop you from breaking NC no matter how bad you may want to. You are in a desperate situation! Please get help. I ask you again, what are you prepared to do?

[This message edited by CuriousObserver at 11:23 PM, Thursday, September 2nd]

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8686909
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 11:53 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

A woman who talks about a possible baby in those terms is past fixing. You can’t make her different. She is who she is. Please make a decision to get out of this. You are being tortured. Something is very wrong that you put up with this abuse.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2907   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8686916
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WishidleftHer ( New Member #78703) posted at 12:04 AM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

Time to pack your bags. Your WW needs professional help. She's totally bipolar. How you put up with her antics is beyond me. Your a better man than she'll ever know.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Upstate NY
id 8686920
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Blandy ( Member #79252) posted at 12:16 AM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

I just caught this:

In August, she said she wanted us to have a child, to turn over a new leaf. And so we tried, I was too tired to think straight and agreed.

Why in the blue F would that even seem like a good idea?

It seems the more I read, the more you're trying to attach yourself to her. It's time to have a bit of respect for yourself. There is no such thing as being "too tired" when you are in the situation you're in. Get away from her, learn to respect yourself, and only when you respect yourself and know exactly who you are do you even consider dating again.

Listen, no one here is angry with you, it's just from what you've written about your SO, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. People here are rooting for you, but you have to take that first step.

posts: 59   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8686923
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survrus ( Member #67698) posted at 4:10 AM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

Dude....!!!!!!!

Please get out now there is no upside to this marriage from hell.

Save your sense of self worth while you can.

She cannot be saved, let someone else have this container of toxic waste.

She makes living under a bridge sound like an attractive option.

She will behaving this way for 5, 10 or 30 years from now.

posts: 1039   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8686945
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scaredwoman ( Member #78680) posted at 4:21 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Nothing changes if you change nothing.

This! At this point you are seeing her true self and choose to stay. The point of this site is to get OUT of infidelity. And since she's choosing not to by staying in contact and not giving you everything you need to move forward with her, it's time to move forward without her. Consult an attorney, get ducks lined up, and move on. She's toxic and the mental abuse she is inflicting upon you is only going to get worse if you don't take action to protect yourself.

posts: 154   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8687721
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smolderingdark ( Member #64064) posted at 9:31 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

The verbal abuse was insane. She said if she is pregnant, she hates the little monster, said it’s a tumour, a cancer, said she wanted to kill it (not have an abortion but cause a miscarriage somehow), said it’s a thing, an abomination, a disease, said she’d never be a mother to my monster child, said she hates it already, said her life is over, said I’ve been keeping her captive and not letting her leave the house (which is untrue, she chose not to do so), went as far as saying that I should have understood to say no when she asked to have sex and that by failing to do so I’ve raped her. Kept repeating how her life is now over (which I assume meant her affair with him would effectively be over if she did have a child).

Have you filed for divorce or spoken to a lawyer yet? If not what are you waiting for?

Hopefully you have enough sense to avoid having sex with her going forward. False allegation of abuse, rape or violence can ruin your life. You should look into alternate living arrangements provided you have spoken to a lawyer and verified it won't be considered abandonment if you leave the home.

If she does get pregnant it will likely be with the APs child.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8687773
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