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Just Found Out :
Wife sending nudes to co-worker

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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 4:33 PM on Saturday, July 10th, 2021

“I don't know” “I don't remember” - rinse, repeat. It's all bullshit.

I even got “that’s private”

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8674288
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 4:38 PM on Saturday, July 10th, 2021

I always thought “ I don’t know” was my H’s secret code to me to stop asking b/c I’m not talking about it.

This way the conversation dies and he doesn’t have to do anything further.

That no longer happens in our marriage. I don’t know is no longer acceptable. On any topic. Period.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10532   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8674290
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BeyondRage ( Member #71328) posted at 8:40 PM on Saturday, July 10th, 2021

Max

I wouldn’t count on her girlfriends being anything but supportive of her and telling her to just continue to stonewall you or that it’s not that big a deal and you’ll get over it

The bigger issue is that she’s continuing contact with him and lying. Not sure how you reconcile with that

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 476   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8674333
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HappilyMarried1 ( Member #77296) posted at 9:12 PM on Saturday, July 10th, 2021

This behavior is not good. I think you need to be very firm and hard on her by putting your foot down and say she has one more chance to sit down and talk about this and it is tomorrow failure to do so and you will begin divorce proceedings Monday morning. She has to know you mean business and are not going to let this go. If she refuses then you have your answer, but I'm afraid you may already have it and I think you realize it. Best of luck!

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2021
id 8674338
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squid ( Member #57624) posted at 12:54 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

^^^^ 100%

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8674371
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 Maxwell354 (original poster Member #79092) posted at 1:59 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Let this heading serve as notice that you are not unique. Your situation is not notably different than the others on here. And what you've been told is probably true, no matter how much you don't want it to be.

Today was the most wild ride of my life. She came over around noon to do the "talk" we had been planning. And we talked. And we talked and talked. We talked, about the emotional affair and all her excuses... which I started to buy into looking into her innocent doe eyes combined with a fervent insistence that nothing had happened and that she was just that naive. She had been apologetic, and seemed genuinely sorry for her silly mistake. Even noting her sister had sent indecent photos to someone too. How relatable!

Then we talked about our relationship and life. And here's the weird part. We had the best most connective conversations we've ever had. We talked about things we would never have talked about before and caught up on so many past neglected conversations, deaths, grievances, and old wounds. It was absolutely unreal. Cathartic. It made me want to take back what I put a few pages back about our lack of connection. It was refreshed. Renewed. And the mental/emotional connection felt like it was on the verge of being better than it had ever been before. 7 hours passed like 2.

We hadn't finalized a plan to resolve the open issues, but were working towards it and agreed to set a timeline on when this discussion would be finalized, which we did not get to do because.... then I cornered her. Having previously admitted to deleting OM's messages on the regular and earlier that day agreeing to allow me to attach her phone to a deleted items recovery app on the computer she suddenly changed her mind and disallowed me from doing so. She gave some excuses not worth mentioning and then gradually admitted new or previously denied things like:

She was overtly sexually flirting with him [drip]

He had sent her pictures too [drip]

She knew the calendar was an invite for sex [drip]

They kissed and he grabbed her butt. But that was it. [drip]

.

.

.

.

And they exchanged oral sex in a parking lot.

Icing on the cake is, we have been active in the week between the time that occurred and DDay. I pray that anything she could have caught did not have time to cultivate. A wonderful going away gift though.

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 8:05 PM, July 10th (Saturday)]

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8674379
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squid ( Member #57624) posted at 2:18 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Oh, boy.

Be prepared. They had full-on sex.

All the stuff about having deep conversations and cathartic emotions and feeling suddenly connected. All run-of-the-mill stuff.

DO NOT HAVE SEX UNTIL SHE GETS TESTED.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8674385
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 2:20 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Having previously admitted to deleting OM's messages on the regular and earlier that day agreeing to allow me to attach her phone to a deleted items recovery app on the computer she suddenly changed her mind and disallowed me from doing so. She gave some excuses not worth mentioning and then gradually admitted new or previously denied things

You do realize that the worst act she admitted to (the oral sex) is just the tip of the iceberg. Otherwise, why not let you check out her phone. She is still prioritizing and protecting herself, her AP and has placed your health at risk.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8674386
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 Maxwell354 (original poster Member #79092) posted at 2:35 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

You do realize that the worst act she admitted to (the oral sex) is just the tip of the iceberg. Otherwise, why not let you check out her phone. She is still prioritizing and protecting herself, her AP and has placed your health at risk.

Thank you for the clarity. And yes but I stopped caring. She crossed a line I cannot forgive. So having hit the top of the shit pile I was looking for I knew it was over and stopped digging.

All the stuff about having deep conversations and cathartic emotions and feeling suddenly connected. All run-of-the-mill stuff.

Curious, why is the emotional stuff normal?

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 8:37 PM, July 10th (Saturday)]

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8674391
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:47 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

It never ceases to amaze me how they can look you straight in the eye and lie like hell.

Even more amazing is that some betrayed want to believe so bad all common sense goes out the window.

Congrats you are way ahead of most. You’ve saved yourself an extended stay in limbo. A place you want out of ASAP.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8674412
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LostInHisFog ( Member #78503) posted at 3:51 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Oh Maxwell I'm so so sorry to read this. I've been silently cheering you on. You have been handling all this with such a strong head that it's horrible to read you just went through that.

The sheer cold reality that after admitting the oral she still didn't allow you access to the device is proof it has been going for longer and is more physical than she is admitting too.

Admitting to oral is her attempt at minimizing the impact of her affair and how active she has been, it's clichéd wayward behavior when PIV has occurred they think oral lessens the betrayal so they admit to that and not the sex.

I understand this mindf**k (sorry that word is my go-to for today) mine did this, a whole day of what I felt was heart-to-heart healing talk and honesty only for it to be one giant act, more lies spoon-fed to you in such a way you believe them, them acting complacent and sorry just enough to make your heart hope and just enough you start to give them the benefit of the doubt ... only for the whole entire thing to be a show, fake, they were just telling you what you wanted to hear while continuing protecting the affair and giving you no truth. God it hurts and it's cruel.

Try to tell OBS what you have learnt then implement either the 180 or grey rock (grey rock works better for me personally) but time to throw up those safety walls to protect yourself again and prepare for the storm that is about to hit. From experience TT is like an avalanche, a few small pebbles of hurt, then more and more until you are buried under all this crap you had no clue was going on. It is never ever "just a kiss" and it is never ever "just a one time bj".

If you have a supportive family member or friend maybe consider spending a couple of nights with them to just get out as distance helps deal with this recent discovery, distance away from the wayward and away from the home.

(((hug)))

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 9:56 PM, July 10th (Saturday)]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8674413
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 3:56 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Cheaters always downgrade what they've been telling:

Just a friend = affair partner
Just a kiss = they had sex
They had sex only once = they had sex multiple times

In your case, just a bj means they definitely had sex. And you have to admit that it happened multiple times because it was physically possible.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8674414
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thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 4:25 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Killing it now makes her more likely to fight me simply for “revenge”, no?

No.

Be a stand up guy and do what's right. That should earn some respect. And if not, then R is useless.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4452   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8674417
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 5:14 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Just file for D. She isn’t wanting to be in the relationship with you. Sorry for being so blunt up front.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8674425
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 5:30 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

You're being conned

Do you like being conned?

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8674431
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 Maxwell354 (original poster Member #79092) posted at 5:46 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

I am indeed preparing to file. I was considering forgiving a true non-physical affair but as everyone else here knew from the beginning, it was never that. I needed to know in my own time. My head is everywhere though, wondering if she is the company floozy. Passed around from person to person. It’s sickening. Is this why she was so well received there? I know this will fade in time but my god it cannot happen fast enough. The anguish is unbearable.

She is still presenting as amicable so I will talk to an attorney this week about what my best options are to leverage that if possible. I honestly just want it done with minimal fuss. I don’t want to fight over the property, but I won’t see myself screwed if I can help it. My state does not take infidelity into acct financially, it is only grounds for divorce, and so I have removed myself from access to her texts to end that self-torture. I would be unable to not look and that is a tremendously terrible place to be mentally. I still have saved evidence if needed.

This is going to be a an incredibly hard recovery for me as full time work from home. Even trying to get out nights and weekends I will see our house constantly…not sure what to do. Maybe it will wind up sold, I don’t know.

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 11:47 PM, July 10th (Saturday)]

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8674433
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 5:49 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

If you can gather all the evidences you can get and file it as adultery that would be best for your case. I believe you have gathered some proof.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8674435
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LostInHisFog ( Member #78503) posted at 6:03 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

This is going to be a an incredibly hard recovery for me as full time work from home. Even trying to get out nights and weekends I will see our house constantly…not sure what to do. Maybe it will wind up sold, I don’t know.

Unsure if you're open for suggestions of things to try to make this easier?

First do consult a couple of real estate agents, talk to your lawyer also about what to do with the house, but in some areas the market has improved and once you file you can sell (or she pays out your half) and you can break free.

Until then.

I'm stuck at home too and found it nauseating going to sleep in the bedroom so I moved to a spare room, used to be the office, but I purchased a bed frame and new mattress, put a lock on the door, painted it, have tiny sitting area with TV (much to WH dismay I cancelled our netflix and opened my own account) and that room is now 100% MINE, my space, he has no access. Honestly creating that sanctuary space inside the home and treating it as my area has saved my sanity far too many times and if you can I highly recommend it until you can move out. When I don't want to handle his false remorse and lies I turn around and head to my room and I do not care if that's conflict avoidant because right now we need to heal and living with them stunts that. Something to consider if you're able to.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 12:05 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8674437
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 Maxwell354 (original poster Member #79092) posted at 6:09 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

If you can gather all the evidences you can get and file it as adultery that would be best for your case. I believe you have gathered some proof.

I will be very upset if removing myself from that will impact me negatively. But I could not take it. I have proof of the photos being shared, and to be fair I do not know that I would ever get concrete evidence of the affair. What’s done is done there…

Maybe I ask her to sign something admitting this? As I said she is still amicable and presenting to feel bad so may agree.

Regarding the space…the bedroom itself does not bother me per se, but just being at the home 40+ hours a week will be difficult. And being 100% alone with no conversation or distraction aside from a few work calls or meetings. Ugh

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 12:12 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8674438
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HappilyMarried1 ( Member #77296) posted at 6:22 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

So sorry to hear this Max, but thought as much. I personally would always have a VAR or some recording device on me whenever you talk with her moving forward. Best of luck!

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2021
id 8674442
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