What you describe is actually the stereotypical wife-having-online-affair scenario. Right up to how you caught her, her response, your initial response and where you are now.
Your reactions were spot-on. Accepting separation rather than accepting accountability for the affair. That sort-of needs to be your red-thread in all this. The affair is totally on her. SHE needs to prove her story, SHE needs to show change, SHE needs to be accountable.
Once you feel sort-of assured then the marriage improvements aspects come to play.
Just be clear that the marriage did not make her body-conscious (unless you have been abusive regarding her looks…), and the marriage didn’t prevent her expressing her concerns or seeking guidance elsewhere than an online game…
I do want to emphasize one factor. To me a major one:
She insists she doesn’t know OM, who he is, where he is, how to contact (other than the game).
Well… Assuming that’s true then the nonchalant way she handles her nudies is a concern. See how easily you found them on the old phone? What if that phone had been recycled and the one that found the pics was some pimply 16 year old that distributed them?
Heck… If it’s true what she says about OM and not knowing… MAYBE HE is a pimply 14 year old boy. MAYBE she was sending porn to a minor…
Or MAYBE he’s a 22 year old guy with no marriage or GF, or a 57 year old guy pretending to be 22… Whatever… You (and your wife) don’t know…
What is known is that somewhere in this cosmos there is a guy who possibly has 200 or more pics of your wife doing the splits. What we know about that guy (based on your WW story) is that he cheats on his GF. So we know his morals arent’ exactly the best.
So for the next years you could expect your son to come home after being asked at school if that might be his mom’s pic on amateurmilfsdotcom. If it was only your wife that was involved… But this might seriously impact your son.
You have NO WAY of knowing what the OM does with the pics. Heck… he could even get a new phone and the same pimply 16-year old that recycles his phone be thinking deja-vu…
I think it’s important that the OM get a formal notification about the pictures being private and only intended for him and his viewing, a request to delete them all and a warning that ANY distribution will have serious legal and financial consequences. It’s not something you can ensure he does, but the formal warning at least makes it clear that any distribution is illegal.
Chances are he had to create an account with the game-provider. I’m guessing an attorney with experience in this field (and there are numerous because this IS a big problem) knows how best to solve this.
As an added bonus: Your WW reactions to this will give you a clue about how much she really knows about OM. Knowing OM is important. There is a world of difference for recovery in knowing the enemy. Is he on the other side of the country? Abroad? Or is it really Harry your next-door neighbor?
I am totally 100% AMAZED at the frequency of people sending nudes over the internet to complete strangers. The adage once on the net always on the net holds true. Even where both parties think they might have deleted some pic or the app allegedly only stores for a fixed period there are numerous ways around all that. Basically the only reason a pic isn’t in distribution tends to be the seer mass. You hide the blade in the bale of nudies and dick-pics being sent.
To me – this instance being described in this thread – is like a woman agreeing to take the short-cut through the park after-dark with the man she just met five minutes ago, or leaving the drink the nice gentleman offered her unattended at the bar while she goes for a pee. It’s taking risks that shouldn’t be taken!