SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You can probably recover deleted texts from the old phone too

I did confront her yesterday as soon as she got home. I will update as soon as possible, but I’ve got a busy workday ahead of me, so it may not be until tomorrow

Jim,

Come from a position of strength.

Women are repulsed by weakness and attracted to strength.

Now that you know what is going on, YOU ARE IN CONTROL!! Do NOT do the “pick me” dance. You will only come across as weak.

First, you need to confront her, which you have done, to make sure she knows that you know what she has been up to, and yes, it is most definitely an affair. And just because they haven’t actually touched each other physically, they have been very intimate with each other.

Next, you must decide what YOU want. She does not enter into this part of the equation at all. Do you want to remain in a sexless marriage? Do you want to remain in a marriage where she feels free to sext any guy she meets online?

Again, this stage is all about what you want. Not her!!

Go get a consult with an attorney to see what your legal options are and the cost of the various options. Let her know that you are seeing an attorney.

She is probably following the idea that the best defense is a good offense. Don’t let her get away with it! If she complains about you or the marriage, tell her that you will take 50% of the responsibility for the marriage problems, but you are in the same marriage as she is and you haven’t cheated on her, and that 100% of the responsibility for the affair is on her.

If she claims that it is not an affair, tell her fine. Then say that you will send all of the screenshots to her siblings, parents, and best friends and ask them if they believe it is an affair and if her actions are appropriate.

Tell her that it is still to new of a situation for you to have decided what you are going to do. However, tell her as part of your decision making process, you will be making an appointment with an attorney. Continue by telling her that if she wants to stay married, she will do the following.

1). Give you all information about The scumbag that she knows. Full name, address, phone numbers, email, text, etc.

2). Find out if she has contacted him since you confronted her about The affair. She has. But if not, pretend to be her and send him a message from her phone asking for his mailing address as you have something special you want to send him. You do this to help find out if he has a wife or girlfriend, who you will let know what is going on.

3). Have her write out a timeline of the affair, including when she thought that doing things for him was ok but not for her husband.

4). After you confirm his address, have her write a no contact letter, which you will approve, and send to him.

5). Get usernames and Passwords for ALL of her accounts, including bank and credit cards. You want the financials to see if she has been sending him money or gifts.

Check all social media accounts. Has anything been deleted?

If it has, tell her that this is VERY BAD if she wants to stay

Married.

Tell her that you are taking both her old and new phones to see if any deleted messages can be recovered.

6). Tell her that she can’t expect to have a polygraph in the relatively near future, at a time of your choosing.

7). She is not to go on ANY type of social media until you say differently. Tell her she might as well get a dumb cell phone that only makes callls.

Tell her that her failure to agree to all of the above AND abide

By them will result in you filing for divorce immediately.

Good luck and stay strong.

I promise you will get through this. It will be tough, but you will get through it.

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 9:21 AM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

Oh man I hate that you are dealing with this kind of crap from the one person who is supposed to love and protect you.

Let's see, so far you have said that she has denied you physical intimacy for a year, would not ever take a picture undressed but has done so hundreds of times for another man, sends pictures in various sex acts, and gaslights you by saying you are a bad husband blaming you for your gut instincts causing you to ask questions.

Does this sound like someone you should worry about being angry with you? She should be worried about you being so angry with her that you leave her and never talk to her again for the rest of your life. Her behavior is atrocious and despicable and disrespectful to you. She might as well stab you with a knife.

Be strong. Don't under any circumstance appear weak by begging or pleading or promising anything. She is the one who has cheated on you. And who knows how many times with how many people? You only have the evidence you have. What about the evidence you don't have? Cheaters lie and lie a lot.

Have some self respect and dignity and treat yourself well brother because she obviously won't. Who needs a wife that will do things for another man that she won't even do for her husband?

I'm sorry you are going through this but glad you finally found out who she is and what she is doing.

You can not react too strongly. Don't buy it's only pictures. Assume the OM traveled to meet your wife.

Why? because your wife has the obligation to prove they never met.

Based on the evidence, it's her obligation to prove it didn't escalate to adultery (it's not yours).

The stronger you react the more likely that you can save your marriage (if that's what you decide).

Be civil but find your anger.

Yeah, my wife has had emotional affairs with fellow online gamers. Emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical ones. your pain is justified.

I too would spy on her in the past and I always felt very conflicted about this. My only counsel is this, breathe, try not to make emotional decisions and be very careful with who you share the details with.

You did nothing to earn this treatment. There is nothing wrong with you.

Hi jimih33, how are you doing?

I apologize for the amount of time that it has taken me to post an update, but I had an extremely hectic week at work.

So, as soon as my WW returned from shopping I confronted her, she had barely got out of her car before I approached her. I asked her if she had anything she wanted to tell me and she asked what I was talking about. I asked her again if there was anything she wanted to tell me and she again played dumb. By this time, we were inside the house, and I asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me about her and OM. Her exact words were “What the fuck are you talking about?” I asked her if she wanted to tell me anything about certain explicit photos on her phone and she immediately went into defensive mode. “You went into my phone?” Well, yes actually I did and I’m damn glad that I did, or I would have never known what you have been up to. She tried to go on the offensive about having “no privacy,” but I shut that down pretty quick. I let her know in no uncertain terms that what she was doing was completely unacceptable and it is the worst betrayal imaginable.

Again, she tried to go on the offensive and told me she wanted a separation. I asked her if she wanted to even deny that there was anything going on, she said there was no point because I obviously saw what I saw, and she still wanted a separation. I told her that was fine with me because I could not even stand to look at her right now as it is. I began packing a bag and she began to lay into me about up and leaving. I told her that this is what SHE wanted, not what I had wanted. I told her I was going to take a walk and as soon as I walked outside my son was standing there crying. He had heard us arguing, just thankfully not what we were arguing about. I comforted him for a couple of minutes and sent him to inside to console his mom and I took my walk.

I called my parents as soon as I was away from the house and told my mom what was going on. I wasn’t going to let her control the narrative about what was going on. My mom was shocked, but not completely since I had let her know about my suspicions way back when they first started. I finished my walk about went back inside to finish packing and my son asked me if I was going somewhere. I told him I needed to leave the house for a few days. He told me that he wished I would stay so I could be with him, and he broke down in tears again. I looked him right in the eyes and told him I would stay for him, but I looked right at my WW and said, “Your ass is sleeping on that couch, but we ARE going to have a talk as soon as he goes to bed.”

When the conversation went down, we talked for hours, and I talked about how hurt I was and how could she do such a thing. I talked a lot about what her actions had done to me and what that would mean for us moving forward and how I refused to accept any blame for her affair. She spent a lot of time talking about wanting a separation and I told her that I could agree to that. She wanted an in-house separation to make it easier on our son and I told her we could try that because he really does rely on both of us and does not do well with change. I told her if things got complicated, I would leave without a second thought because I need to take care of myself.

I only got one hour of sleep that first night and could not eat anything despite my best efforts to do so. When I got home from work, my WW looked like she had been through hell (I do not feel bad about that at all). We talked again on Tuesday night, and I began to ask “The questions”. The reality of what was happening was finally hitting her and she was beginning to realize the damage she had done. I told her that I would not dictate that she could not play her online game anymore, but her and I could not move forward with any kind of meaningful conversations if she was still talking to HIM. She had told me that they only sexted a few times and I could not verify just how many times it happened based on her screenshots. She said she took a lot of those pictures just for herself since she was feeling good about her body (she has always had severe body image issues). I did discover that the affair went from August until April. She said that they ended it because they both felt guilty about cheating on their SOs. She admitted that she only demanded a separation because she was scared and had been caught and totally surprised that I could have figured it out. We talked into the early morning hours again and hashed some things out.

By the time I returned home Wednesday she still seemed distant, and I asked her if she talked to OM and she admitted she had. I told her again that WE could not move forward in any way if she was still talking to him. She told me that she had let him know that she had been caught and she could not talk to him anymore and that was the extent of their conversation. I told her that she needed to go NC with him FOR HER, not for me. If she was doing it for her then I would have faith that she was trying to make the necessary changes and that she was all in for reconciliation. She has not played her game at all for even one second while I’ve been home since I confronted her and that was apparently the only way they communicated, and I have looked into that but have yet to find anything.

There is a lot more to say, but I have rambled on and on for far too long. I will say this though, when all of this started, I wasn’t leaning one way or the other as far as divorce/reconciliation, but I have already started to see her taking the steps to make this right, or as right as she can with the damage she has done to work towards reconciliation. I told her that I will still be talking to an attorney when my work schedule allows so I know what my options are. I also asked her for a timeline, but knowing how her memory is, it would not be very accurate. She said she is unsure of dates of when it started and how many times they did it, but she did stress that it was only a few times (that doesn’t really make it any better).

jimih33,

Inform the OBS and do not tell your wife. If she comes back to complain about informing the OBS, you'll know she's been in contact with the OM. More importantly, the OBS should know what is going on so she can decide what to do with her relationship.

Your wife should also start seeing an IC that specializes in infidelity. She needs to understand why she made these awful choices and what she can do in the future to prevent similar choices.

Sorry you’re going through this.

YOU NEED TO FIND OUT WHO THE AP IS AND INFORM HIS WIFE IMMEDIATELY. Do not tell your wife you will do this. It’s the best way to blow up an affair.

To be honest, I’m not sure of how to get ahold of the OBS, my WW doesn’t even know the real name of the OM, just his online screen name. I did stress to her that it was important for me to know his name because the OBS deserves to know what kind of “man” she is with. At first she was very defensive and said that OMs relationship with his gf was none of our business. After a lot more talking she finally came to the realization that the OBS DOES deserve to know, but she has no way of finding out who she is w/o breaking her NC with the OM and she knows that that would greatly upset me and potentially destroy any positive progress she has made.She has been open and honest since that first night and I truly believe she has been, we were PAINFULLY honest with each other for the first time in a very long time. I have told her she could try to find out from the other people in the game who the guy is, if I could get a name, I would do the rest. I have already discussed IC with her, but we are holding off until we get back from vacation before we proceed (end of this month). Vacation this year is very important because we may be seeing my elderly grandmother for the last time due to her failing health so we do not want to mess with the timing, but IC is something that WILL be happening, she has already wholeheartedly agreed to it and put it in writing.

She told me that she had let him know that she had been caught and she could not talk to him anymore and that was the extent of their conversation.

Sorry man but cheaters lie a lot. You can’t trust anything right now.

Just because you found out doesn’t mean anything.

At first she was very defensive and said that OMs relationship with his gf was none of our business.

That's the most absurd statement coming from your wife. Clearly it's the OBS's business because it's her man. She's marrying or staying with a man who clearly can't be trusted.

If your wife is still withholding the truth from you despite your firm stand that you're already ready to file for D then there's clearly no turning back.

Gather all the evidences you can get and use it against her and OM. It's easy to get a name from a gamer's profile if you know where to look.

All the best!

Strength, you handled things well, also staying at home for your son, now give it some time and see where it goes.

Vacation this year is very important because we may be seeing my elderly grandmother for the last time due to her failing health so we do not want to mess with the timing

This indeed is more important to do now, go there and do the quality time with your grandmother.

Strength (and stay updating here for the help)!

Sorry man but cheaters lie a lot. You can’t trust anything right now.

Just because you found out doesn’t mean anything.

I do know that she is being honest about that conversation as she showed me her phone and let me see the entire conversation. She knows that she has to PROVE that she is telling the truth and that is honestly exactly what she is trying to do, prove she is being truthful. She really has seen the damage that her affair has caused and she is willing to suffer any amount of personal pain to make things as right as she can. She knows that any type of lying from here on out is a deal breaker and she has stated many times the last couple of days that she really does want to make this right and can’t imagine the hell Ive been going through. She did not log into her game at all today for the first time in almost two years, I will be asking her to give me his exact gamer name to see what I can come up with as far as an actual name the next time she plays the game. She now knows that he doesn’t get a free pass just because he lives in another country and that he is a dangerous person since he could so brazenly cheat on his gf like that (my guess is that my WW is not the first, but hopefully the last)

I have shown my WW a path towards reconciliation, but that it would be a LOT of hard work. If she decides that she can’t put in that work then I am fine with D, but god help me, I do love her and can see reconciliation as a possibility as well. Either way this plays out, I’ve already mentally prepared myself so I know what I need to do to take care of my son first, then myself. If she wants reconciliation, I mean, truly wants it, I AM open to it, but it’s going to be a LONG road and I could just decide it’s not worth it at any time. My WW knows this and said she is more determined than ever to make this right.

I do know that she is being honest about that conversation as she showed me her phone and let me see the entire conversation.

That doesn’t mean she didn’t send him another message telling him I’m going to send you this just to show my husband but you can disregard what I’m sending you.

Words are meaningless. Only her actions will count.

She also had over a hundred photos of a guy that I know is someone she plays an online game with.

She had told me that they only sexted a few times and I could not verify just how many times it happened based on her screenshots. She said she took a lot of those pictures just for herself since she was feeling good about her body (she has always had severe body image issues).

If she has more than 100 pictures of her AP, he may have as many pictures of her.

Have you confirmed from correspondence that they ended their A in April? It doesn't seem very real to me that they decided they couldn't do this to their SOs and ended their A. They may have ended it, rather, I didn't find the reason realistic.

She's a proven cheater, a liar. I understand your wish for R, but you can't trust her words.

I game so here is my issues with her claiming she doesn't know who he is, online games are social and you get to know the people you regularly game with, real names are passed around, can't even see how that is possible to not know a regular online friend's real name. When you log into a third party program to chat (as you do in gaming) you don't introduce yourself as your character's name, you introduce your name. So as a gamer I call bullshit on her not knowing his name.

The other reason why I call bullshit, the game platforms don't allow pic attachments, unless she is stupidly uploading the pics to third parties to create a url then paste the url in the game, also dumb, she has had to have an alternate platform to share those pics, to sext.

Discord? email? she would have his name.

You can also do a little bit of search, unsure how far you'll get but if you get the game name and his character names do a search. Some games have databases where you can see the character's details, look to see if they post on other sites and mention a name or on the character profile check to see if there is a guild name, if so hunt for other characters in that guild, sometimes you can reach out to those, see if the GF is in the guild too.

There are ways but the fastest way is for her to stop lying, no one is dumb enough to send nudes to a unknown especially since it was more than once, she would have built a rapport first, no one just starts sending nudes and sexts there is build up to that, getting to know each other, she 100% knows his name.

I have zero sexual interactions with people I regularly play with and I know their names, spouses names, kids names, dogs names... it's a social world, she is lying.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 4:20 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

Conditions of possible reconciliation should include her never playing online gaming again. She has proven she cannot handle it. That would be a deal breaker with me.

I’d tell her that if she wants to game she can do it all she wants, but not with you as her husband anymore.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:41 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]