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How does one go forward with a WW who is Trying to rewrite our marriage history? What should I do?

Let her rewrite marital history.

No matter what you say, what you do, she’ll be telling a sad sad story of a neglected wife who got abandoned and Mark, or whoever else came rescue to her. Then some other dude will rescue her from Mark, and so on.

But it doesn’t matter.The opposite of love is indifference. This is your goal: indifference.

With D, you go your way, she goes her way.

A lot of posters here walked in your shoes. You’ll be just fine. Believe us Her? Not so much.

We could explain why but… indifference remember?

How does one go forward with a WW who is Trying to rewrite our marriage history? What should I do?

Just go ahead and file for divorce now. I know there's still a part of you that wants to hold on but clearly she's already gone since last year. The best answer you can get from her when you asked her if she'd go with you is 'I don't know'... that is. she's no longer with you.

Part of her that still holds on to you because she needs you for financial comfort. Mark certainly won't give her that in the long run. I'm pretty sure Mark will abandon her too. But that's her problem, not yours. Whether you admit it or not, she's the one who left you, it's not you that's leaving her. She's with you as a roommate, not a lover. Her lover is the one who she goes for lunch, dinner and smoke pot with and plays cards until 2AM with.

Just file now. Don't prolong your agony. You can't do anything about her. She's gone.

Bud, just cut off all contact. Give her your attorneys info and let her work it out through him.

There is no point in keeping yourself in this.

You have zero control over what she says and does. Right now you are still giving her control over you.

I get it. She was your wife. Key word is was.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:05 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

Don’t accept anything she says. Let her know that working on this relationship is only a 2 person endeavor and the Fact that she is in love with someone else prohibits any work from being started let alone completed.

Be very straightforward and direct about that, as you have been.

Think about it cheesecake. You’d never be satisfied with her leaving him and trying with you without proof that she doesn’t still have him in her heart. Unless she can prove he’s not, and you can tell he’s totally lost his luster in her eyes, you’d never find peace. So don’t try. It won’t work. And be clear with her when you say it.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:51 AM, July 9th (Friday)]

I asked her that after she continued to, again, complain to me that I was making a drastic, rash decision and I was being too impatient and not understanding.

I've asked this before but since you are drinking from the firehose, I don't think you noticed. She says "You are not understanding" quite a bit. As if this was given. I know you're an astute guy and have probably picked up on this, so I suspect you've asked her already. "What is there to understand? What am I not getting, here?" What about a situation where my wife is having an affair with another man am I not understanding? The corollary to that question is "what would our lives be like if somehow, you managed to make me understand?" What does that mean for you? Does "understanding" mean "return to a life of misery where my wife disappears with another man for hours on end and I just smile and nod at her, because she clearly doesn't wish to acknowledge my pain?"

I know, I'm being a little extreme here but she keeps falling back on that argument... you're rude, you don't understand, blah blah blah. It's asking a little much to expect her to step back and look at things logically at this point-- but that's really how ridiculous it is when they try to gaslight you and they don't have any ammunition left to do it with.

It's "rude" to bring up that you are having sex with another man outside of marriage, you know what we've been in for only two years now? Hooo boy. It's rude to be upset about it? I've asked you this before but what the hell does marriage even mean to this woman?

Now, about the dog. I know you love the dog. I know she loves the dog-- but the day MAY come when you might have to compromise having the puppy to exit your situation. It isn't optimal, not by a long shot.. but.. not to sound heartless (I own three stray Mississippi Mutant hell hounds myself, all rescued)... but you CAN replace a puppy. Relatively easily. I know it won't be the same, but if she thinks she's winning a giant victory by insisting on it, just let her. While she's crowing about "showing him a thing or two" to Mark, you'll be sniggering to yourself on your way to a new job and a new reality. One that might include a new dog. I'm not advising anything here, just offering it as a possibility.

How does one go forward with a WW who is Trying to rewrite our marriage history? What should I do?

I know we are preaching the most important lesson right now: indifference. I'm ALL about indifference. It's important to me because I don't want to carry hatred around with me. That's a hard burden for everyone to carry. However, I'm also all about telling the truth, and not being a PR agent for my XW. If people ask, I tell them the truth, leaving out the sordid parts. My ex knows this, and after a few spluttering attempts to make her look like a victim, she stopped doing it. I still have all the proof I need if anyone's interested. Gradually, they'll stop being interested. Divorces are like a 9 days wonder with your circle of friends.. its' shocking! It's gossip! Then they adjust to the new reality pretty quick. So.. my advice is.. if she pedals a narrative about you that states you're aloof, or neglectful, or you ignored her, well, let her, but tell the truth to those that ask. There's no great secret here.. She took up with a guy at work. It's not even much as scandals go. The worst part about her situation (from my perspective) is she did this after being married for only TWO YEARS. I've said it before.. it doesn't make her look good. She's going to want to control that truth. That's the only thing I'd step in and correct the perception of, if I were in your situation. You don't have to demonize her, but the facts are the facts. She had an affair after two years of being married, with a guy from work. You don't have to write a book about it. The truth can be very liberating..

Lastly, just a note about the mob mentality. We tend to say "don't do the pick me dance" automatically. Yeah, we do! That doesn't make it bad advice! However, I don't believe that is what you are doing here. You DID approach her with your concerns about the affair. She shut you down and didn't acknowledge your pain. You told her there is a boundary she is crossing and she would expect consequences. The consequences might be painful for her to discuss, but I think you've handled it very well indeed. You aren't crying in front of her, you aren't pleading, she's reacting in classic "caught cheater" fashion. So what? That's not you doing the "pick me" dance. You've been in control this whole time and I think you're going to be just fine, myself.

CCB: Rewriting Marital History, you can either ignore it and move forward, or you can respond by asking her about all those times you tried reaching out to her, and she rebuffed you. She was too busy hanging out w Mark. And of course, keep on moving on...

How does one go forward with a WW who is Trying to rewrite our marriage history? What should I do?

You can't stop her lying, she is a lair but there are two things that are helping me deal with this exact thing.

1) When you worry about this replace 'rewrite' with 'lie'. Every single time you think "she is re-writing our history" just say to yourself "the lair is lying about our marriage again". It takes the sting out of it and adds a few eye rolls because of course the predictable liar is going to lie about the marriage because that's the nature of the beast and anyone who believes her either wants to sleep with her or isn't someone in your friend circle so it doesn't matter. This is where good family and friends come into play, they know the truth. The rest of the world and what they think do not matter. Knowing she is shitting over your history hurts, my goodness yes it hurts, but if you take the impact away from the action, see it as just another thing she lies about, it does minimize that hurt a little, sorry hard to articulate, you take the power away from her doing it because if you lump it with the rest of the lies it becomes nothing new, she is a lair, this is just another form of her continuing that.... does that make sense? hope so (I never had to write it down before but it helps me detach from the pain of it.)

2) Implement the grey rock method, time to become the rock. This will also help when you move forward with talk about the dog. Look it up, implement it. There is a time and a place for 180, especially so close to dday but now it's time for the grey rock.

- - - - - -

CCB, you got to stop kicking yourself for "slipping up" for talking or saying too much that you planned on doing/saying. The grey rock method will help with that moving forward but you need to allow yourself slip ups. It's amazing you can function at all right, so going off script happens, we've all been there.

If you feeling like you're losing control of a conversation and it's turning into a fight, that her cruel ignorance or denial is pushing you to lash out (and the grey rock is failing you to maintain detachment) take a big breath and start using some terminology you've learnt here when speaking to her. Words like limerence, adulterer, adultery, affair fog, blame shifting, emotional affair etc help bring you back to a detached mindset. You've read a fair bit about infidelity now and using infidelity terminology shows her in the argument that you're are more aware now, more knowledgeable about what she has done and more prepared for her conflict. She now has a label, "adulterer", so use her label, it does help to bring control back to the conversation. Never back down from saying "affair" and "adulterer", I've found mentioning both during a fight diffuses the fight a lot faster when you don't back down because it helps you maintain a cool head when you start labeling and they, well they're still hot headed but usually leave the confrontation with a huff and "I can't talk to you" "you're impossible to talk to" etc which is the grown up version of putting their fingers in their ears and go lalalalala I can't hear you.

Belated congratulations on that job!! Believe it or not but that's some BS dream, it's definitely my dream to have a new better job offered that is closer to supportive friends and family, that's your reality! it's just so cool CCB so congratulations.

Also you have an amazing dad! Offering to be there for a talk like he has, you have many good things in your life and I'm happy for you you are moving closer to all that. Good luck with the new job and the move.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 12:01 AM, July 9th (Friday)]

How does one go forward with a WW who is Trying to rewrite our marriage history? What should I do?

You can't prevent her. You have to understand that she has to do this. No one can be the villain of their own story. Also she will make herself believe this story.

You can just show her that you don't buy these, as I told in my last post.

The other important thing you should do is tell the truth to the people who ask. "She cheated on me with a coworker." This simple truth will be much more influential than her stories. Those who know you will understand who is telling the truth from your personalities and body languages. That's the point. You don't have to run and tell everyone. It is enough to be known in the environment that knows you and interacts with you. This includes your WW's friends and family to some extent.

Does she feel any sadness and remorse for all this?

Here again I must refer to my last post.

If she has enough intelligence and conscience, she will understand it to some extent in the future. Of course it will be too late for everything.

Not right now but after going through some life experiences, after understanding what love, marriage, loyalty are, after realizing your efforts and how unbearable what she did to you, I'm not saying she definitely will, but I believe she will want to contact you and apologize. Even at that point, she will not neglect to say that you had faults too.

So why would it be too late for everything? Indifference; best natural cold revenge.

To see someone that you were once his whole world and now nothing to him, and to have done it to you yourself...

How does one go forward with a WW who is Trying to rewrite our marriage history? What should I do

You cannot move forward with this type of behavior from the cheater. Period!

There is no reconciling that will occur. That takes the work and commitment of 2 people willing to be open and honest.

In your case your cheating wife is blaming YOU for her decision to cheat. If you accept this then you know what your “marriage” will be in the future. It will be filled with your wife playing the blame game every tine you have an issue.

Example: she’s out late drinking with her friends - it’s your fault b/c you didn’t clean the kitchen

She runs up credit cards bills - it’s your fault because you forgot to pick up milk on your way home

She won’t clean the dishes out of the sink - it’s your fault because you didn’t cook her dinner the way she likes it

Extreme? Yes! But that is the disordered thought process of waywards who blame everyone else for their poor choices and do not take ANY accountability.

My H tried to rewrite our marriage. He said the most hurtful thing to me during his affair. He told me I never loved him and married him for other reasons. All to justify his affair!!!

When I told him I was D him he begged me to R. I told him why would he want to R with me b/c as he said “I never loved him”. Suddenly it was a bunch of nonsense and he didn’t mean it. He regrets saying it.

Point is — cheaters (many of them) REFUSE to accept responsibility for their actions or choices that destroy a marriage. It’s everyone else who is to blame.

Suddenly it was a bunch of nonsense and he didn’t mean it. He regrets saying it.

We all as BS’s got this same drill and you will too eventually.

Every terrible hurtful thing my WW said is all chalked up to nonsense said in the heat of the moment because we were arguing.

The problem is she was saying things six months later, a year later, two years later. And once said these things sink in deep to your already traumatized mind. Eventually many WS’s do emerge from the fog and realize with dawning horror the damage they've done.

But... the damage is done. Adultery is in the 10 big no no’s because it creates an irrevocable time-space rift. A hard boundary of before and after. Like murder. When a person kills another, they can’t bring that life back.

When you kill a marriage, you can't bring it back. Some people do build a new marriage. For that you need a deeply remorseful spouse who doesn't have their head up their rear end.

You don't have that. You have a wayward wife continuing her affair, denying you intimacy and sex, telling fantasy stories and lies and continuing to gas light you.

What you have here at SI is a lot of BS’s who elected to stay and are now giving you the benefit of our hindsight. And we're telling you: two years and no kids, get out now with your skin intact.

[This message edited by Thumos at 7:21 AM, July 9th (Friday)]

How does one go forward with a WW who is Trying to rewrite our marriage history? What should I do?

When my ex did it I would always turn it back on him. If he said "I was always unhappy" I would say "No you weren't, or you would have told me and we would have done something about it" and "You weren't unhappy when we did X, Y, Z thing".

With regards the dog, keep him with you so he can't be "Dognapped" and just say to her "You are the one that's pissed all over our marriage with Mark, you destroyed our lives and you can take whatever you want except [Dogs name], I am taking him and I will fight you if you try and stop me - you have Mark, I will have [Dogs name].

I was going to say that I might have been a bit passive-aggressive with my ex, I suspect simply aggressive is more like it but honestly, this is the time to show that aggression (non-violently of course), do what it takes and stop being scared of either hurting her or being unfair to her. She deserves this.

With regards the dog, keep him with you so he can't be "Dognapped" and just say to her "You are the one that's pissed all over our marriage with Mark, you destroyed our lives and you can take whatever you want except [Dogs name], I am taking him and I will fight you if you try and stop me - you have Mark, I will have [Dogs name].

I like this, call me crazy, but I would have gone to the mat for my dog. I told her upfront it was non-negotiable. I was willing to deal on anything else. The couple times she brought it up I just said save your breath. Next topic.

My dog saw me through the divorce and my mom's death 6 months after the D (yes my XW knew my mom had terminal cancer), he died the next year. I miss him more than the XW.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:21 PM, July 9th (Friday)]

CCB, I’m an older man. I’m not as old as many of the members here, but I’ve lived a little. And if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s this:

There are BILLIONS of people on this planet. You’ll never meet most of them. If you’re lucky, you bump into a couple of thousand in your lifetime - if even that.

Of that number, less than 10% will matter enough to you so that their opinions of you give you cause for concern.

LET HER CHANGE WHATEVER NARRATIVE THERE IS.

Soon, you and I, (sooner me than you because I live the lifestyle of an 18th century pirate and I have two little boy children) will be dead anyway.

Whatever has been said/lied about us will be inconsequential if not irrelevant.

Choose your own happiness. Do what you must to be happy and to find someone who deserves to have you make her happy.

Your WW really doesn’t matter in the long run.

Like I told you in my private DM to you - you’re going to meet someone with whom you’ll sit down on a beach with to watch the sunset, one day.

And this will all be a distant memory. So, just make your decisions for yourself.

How does one go forward with a WW who is Trying to rewrite our marriage history? What should I do?

You don’t move forward because you can’t. As you describe her behavior, she doesn’t reason very well and is quite unaccountable. Together that’s a bad mix.

Keep moving forward with your own plans and get out of this mess. Then it will be a distant memory.

How does one go forward with a WW who is Trying to rewrite our marriage history? What should I do?

This is what she needs to live with herself. Blame things on you. You know you don't desearve the way she's been treating you. Your best bet is to use conversation enders. Don't argue with her. She's trying to make you the bad guy make you believe that her rewrite is correct. Instead say something like. "I'm sorry you feel that way." and then walk away. Don't feed her argument. She's using these talks to justify her relationship with Mark.

You are really young. Your moving to a great place to a great job near a supportive family. Your life is really looking up and going to get so much better.

She will re-write the story and she will end up the lost princess who gets away from the evil CCB to end up with her true love Mark. Or Steve or Todd if Mark heads for the hills.

It doesn't really matter...Her story is not history.

She will re-write the story and she will end up the lost princess who gets away from the evil CCB to end up with her true love Mark. Or Steve or Todd if Mark heads for the hills.

It doesn't really matter...Her story is not history.

Just be careful, history is filled with lies that no one had either the guts or will to counter.

Ask yourself if it matters how you would be remembered. If it does, then spreading the truth to counter the lie is a must.

The best revenge is to lead the best version of your life.

Your real friends will support you.

The others don't matter.

With respect to your professional network etc, divorce and bad mouthing Ex spouses is so common that nobody believes them (nobody wants to hear it and they actually will think less of your Ex).

Wow, Even after all my years here on SI it still shocks me when I see the irrational, illogical mental gymnastics Waywards try and pull off. It's an act of desperation. A part of their mind knows it's total BS, knows they're totally in the wrong and you can see them squirm in mental anguish and conflict flipping back and fourth from DARVO tactics to begging, pleading, crying, love bombing then back again to attack and blame mode.

You can't rationalize with these people in this state of mind. They're extremely unstable-dangerous. They can seriously hurt you. Watch your back and follow your attorney's advice closely. As they say, "You get to REALLY know someone, the true them, while you're divorcing them". This state of mind may never change. Most Waywards who have been D'd by their BS's never get help. Never get IC. They continue on in a menagerie of their own making, a bed of lies, that gives them peace of mind, going forward, with their poor choices and dysfunctional thinking.

"How does one go forward with a WW who is Trying to rewrite our marriage history? What should I do?"

This happens to most of to various degrees. It totally sucks and adds insult to injury. The only things you can do to mitigate this is to get your version of the story out there with discretion, maturity, class and dignity. And, live a good life. "A good life is the best revenge". People will notice how you cope and manage your life and future relationships. Then, they'll draw their own conclusions.

I’m here again…with less of an update; more of a vent….sorry for the long, stream of consciousness post.

What did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I good enough for her? What does she see in the other guy that I don’t have? Literally every other person in my life who knows us both has constantly told me about how great of a guy and a husband I am…why did she go feel unfulfilled? Why didn’t she try and talk to me about the issues she was having with us? Why did she cheat on me? What did I do to deserve this? Why did she stop having sex with me? Was I not good enough? Does she not think about how any of this might make me feel?

I am trying really hard to do 180 and go full gray rock. I truly am trying. It’s the hardest thing I think I’ve ever done.

It’s difficult because I can’t move out of here for the foreseeable future. I have nowhere else to go. I will likely start my new job the first week of august. I’ll be flying out there for the first week, but then will probably have to travel back and forth from where I currently live to pack things up and get ready for a cross country move. It’s going to be a lot of work.

Each day, I feel myself breaking down even more. I am trying to stay busy and work on myself but nothing seems to work. I have been working on a lifting routine regularly; but I know I don’t eat enough to help it make much of a difference. I’ve been reading a lot. I’ve been taking my dog on lots of walks and listening to my favorite music. I’ve been running with the couple running clubs I joined. I’m finding it hard to get out and meet more people, though, since I know I’m going to be moving back across the country soon.

I know divorce is the right thing to do, but as it becomes more and more real, so does the pain and heartbreak I feel. I can’t help my mind from playing back the FUN memories we had; I can’t help but remember the good times. I can’t help but think that I’m never going to be happy again. I can’t see any light at the end of this tunnel.

Maybe I need to try writing more? Getting my emotions out onto paper? I have always loved writing but I have a hard time writing in a journal as myself. Maybe I need to try it a different way.

Going on a road trip also sounds great to me right now. I was actually thinking of going out of town next weekend to a nearby city to go to a couple MLB games Friday and Saturday night. Just chill in the city by myself and enjoy my time at a ball game and eating a bunch of good food.

I don’t know.

I’m scared and nervous for the future. I’m terrified of moving back to the state I grew up in….because it’s a very “religious” area and I am not part of that religion anymore. Thus, I’m nervous about meeting someone who’s not part of the religion too and has similar beliefs and lifestyles as I do.

I am anxious about meeting someone new and dating again. A lot of my old friends and people I used to know don’t live there anymore. I’m nervous about finding a place to live. I’m nervous about being….capable of dating again. I want to have sex again. I miss it. But I’m also nervous to be with someone else sexually again…my confidence is shot. I feel like: I couldn’t even satisfy my wife?? She didn’t even want to have sex with me. Why would anyone else? What if I’m not good enough? What if I don’t know how to do it right? I can’t get out of my head about this and I fear the moment it happens again (if ever), I’ll clam up and it’ll suck.

Mostly…I want to be hugged, be kissed, and cuddle with someone while watching our favorite show together again. I miss being physically close to someone…I miss not feeling so alone. I want to be with a woman who wants to be with me again. I miss feeling loved.

[This message edited by CheesecakeBaker at 8:05 PM, July 10th (Saturday)]