Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Just Found Out :
Pretty certain my (28M) wife(27F) is having an emotional affair

Topic is Sleeping.
default

beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 2:19 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Then definitely she's in love with Mark.

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8669676
default

annb ( member #22386) posted at 2:23 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

So sorry, she's checked out of the marriage if she said that.

I think the best thing you can do is begin to get your ducks in a row.

Lean on a close friend or family member for support. Get IC for yourself.

posts: 11258   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8669678
default

Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 2:35 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

The old "ILYBINILWY". It's so cliche it's an acronym here on SI. Regardless whether she's fucking him with her body, she is without question fucking him with her heart, and in the meantime you're the one getting fucked.

If you love her, give her what she wants -- freedom to pursue the man she thinks she loves.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8669694
default

Bonetired ( member #78518) posted at 2:50 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Oh boy...The I love you but I'm not in love with you line is a classic common phrase. I hate to say this but it feels like she is planning an exit strategy. I have seen this many times not just on here but also in my life ,my family and friends. That phrase. The denial of the affair or even intent to have one or having feelings for someone else. What usually has happened is they blame shift it to you. Often they will never tell the truth and when you split the relationship will suddenly blossom in a suspiciously appropriate but short period of time. All the while she and maybe he will maintain their innocence with her saying the marraige was doomed and on the rocks prior to them supposedly being together. You will forever wonder if you were the problem like she is painting you to be right now and if indeed you caused it. Trust me you aren't doing this . She is. Seen it too many times CCB. I would definitely hire a PI maybe do the VAR's. This will be not just for your sanity but also so you can show her you know and hold her to this. Don't let her skate this one by. You aren't doing you or her any favors by doing the pick me dance right now or being the nice guy. Keep your head and put forth a pleasant neutral position while you investigate. This may be dishonest to you however what is she doing right now herself? How are you supposed to move on if she isn't being honest with you? Wish I would have done this but I was left holding the bag when it came to the mess of my XWH. He did the same exact thing. His family won't even talk with me now. I don't want repercussions like this with you. I have a male friend who is an upstanding character like you put in the same position. Don't let her do this to you. You deserve better. You deserve answers.

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8669699
default

Bonetired ( member #78518) posted at 2:54 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

In short be smarter than she is. Catch her with her hand in that damn cookie jar with evidence to prove it.

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8669704
default

jinkazama ( member #61319) posted at 3:18 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Oh. Yep. I heard that from her.

now you need to act faster.

hire a PI and gather evidence

so you can get out of this sham life as soon as possible.

even if she is not cheating (although i highly doubt that) her friendship with this man is making huge problems in your marriage.

you marriage has issues she knows that but she hadnt done anything to solve it.

your marriage will never improve if she spend times with her friends (mark)

so forget cheating u should understand that you are in an abusive marriage

and you have every right to end it if she is not willing to change.

this was the non cheating scenario.

what i wanted to say to you is that you need to respect yourself and dont let her treat you like that . even if there is no cheating a relationship should be healthy.

Not Just Friends book is more useful for the WS who is looking to change themselves.

you my frend need to read NO MORE MR NICE GUY

posts: 265   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2017
id 8669726
default

rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 3:31 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

This is getting worse the further in you get.

You were married for 18 months. It'll take you much longer than that to recover from this and that assumes she's all in and trying to make it work. In her case, this is an exit affair. She now has your replacement all ready to go. She has no interest in your M, none.

This isn't worth continuing. You should get IC and only deal with moving on. You'll be over her faster than a recovery staying with her. At this point it's time to cut your losses.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 958   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8669730
default

 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 3:36 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Thanks everyone.

Please keep the replies coming. I am reading every one and internalizing them, even if I don't respond to each comment.

I am currently reading "Not Just Friends" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and they are very insightful.

I also really value the folks who have commented and said that they understand why it is so hard for me to take the steps necessary right now. I feel overwhelmed and dizzy and like everything is spinning and I'm waiting to try and take those first steps when I feel a bit more grounded. I know that's probably not the best approach, but I think that's what I am going to do right now.

I am taking this weekend for myself, not using my phone as much and hopefully recuperating a bit. Taking my dog on a hike tomorrow and kayaking on Sunday...just us and nature.

[This message edited by CheesecakeBaker at 9:37 AM, June 25th (Friday)]

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8669731
default

ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 3:41 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Bonetired Has a good description of that type of A.

In short, here’s the recipe:

1- WW falls in love with someone else

2- WW makes the marriage unlivable

3- ILYBINILWY. Gaslight, makes the BH thinks he’s crazy.

4- WW says she’s unhappy with the marriage (self fulfilling prophecy, see #2)

5- BH feels miserable, tries to fix the marriage, but it doesn’t work because #1, #2 and #3

6- Divorce eventually happens. BH wondered what he did to make the marriage fail (A: nothing)

7- WW finds a “new” love interest, declares the marriage was bad

You are at step #5 right now.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1438   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8669740
default

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 3:43 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

If you hire a PI, plan a trip to your parents or a business trip, so you'll be making it easy for them and the PI. They probably want to spend the night together, maybe in your house.

posts: 480   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8669744
default

ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 3:45 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

I also really value the folks who have commented and said that they understand why it is so hard for me to take the steps necessary right now.

Every single posters here have been through this one way or another. It took me years of false R to finally take the steps for D.

There comes a point when you realize your WW doesn’t care about you. Hopefully it wont take you as long as me :)

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 9:46 AM, June 25th (Friday)]

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1438   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8669748
default

Justaguy61 ( new member #75431) posted at 3:55 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

We all understand. It is terribly hard. You asked for baby steps when you need to jump in that "black pool". I advise seeing an attorney and find out what divorce will look like and then FILE. You will have plenty of time to change your mind during the process but you will also take CONTROL back over your life. She will see and feel this immediately and either push away from your or beg for you back. She will not feel anything unless it is dramatic and threatening and you will continue in hell.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2020
id 8669761
default

MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 4:35 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Your WW has been thinking about being with Mark for a long time. This is all new to you, it will take some time for you to find your footing, but you will. Look out for yourself, like she is.

Right now it looks like divorce is a real possibility. better for you to take control of the process than than for her to do it.

PS, when my WW first said "we need to talk" I said not matter what happens with us, the dog will be with me. He was, she wasn't.

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8669804
default

 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 4:44 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

PS, when my WW first said "we need to talk" I said not matter what happens with us, the dog will be with me. He was, she wasn't.

...honestly, as I've been thinking about all this and "what's to come"...this is what scares me most, I think. I don't want to not have my dog. He is my first dog, the first puppy I've ever had, and I love him so much.

Also, I do almost everything for him. She pays for his doggy day care, which he only goes to every once in a while. I buy the food, the flea/tick medicine, the toys, the poop bags. I take him on all the walks. I make sure his bowls are filled with food and water. Or I have to remind her to do it.

She cuddles with him. That's it. I think I should keep him, regardless. But I know she's going to throw a fit - that's going to be the ONE THING we fight on.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8669806
default

asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 4:57 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

I say consult with a lawyer and file. If you must go ahead and hire a PI first. Needing to know exactly how far this has all gone is entirely understandable, and maybe important later if she sees the light.

But don’t worry about pushing her away, she’s already gone. So file and start moving forward out of infidelity. Maybe she chooses Mark, but if that happens this was an exit affair and it’s what she was going to do anyway.

If she pulls her head out of her ass and starts to follow then you can decide if reconciliation is worth a shot.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8669811
default

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:05 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

You keep the dog, or you will expose the affair to her collegues,his family,and anyone else she wouldn't want to know.

posts: 3706   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8669816
default

Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 5:10 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Oh she has actually said ILYBINILWY?

Well I’m sorry to say we can probably confirm your wife is having an affair with Mark and it’s a full blown affair.

ILYBINILWY is usually a dead giveaway

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49Married: Feb. 1996DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4249   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8669823
default

src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 5:30 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

By all means, go see a lawyer now. Consult with the lawyer to determine if infidelity is relevant in your jurisdiction. If not, there is no need for a P.I. You are just throwing money away. You both know she has moved on and has been fooling around. Tell her that. Tell her that you deserve the dog since she broke the marriage vows. Don't buy any of her bullshit. Tell her that to her face. Tell her you at least deserve the truth.

In such a short marriage and no children, you are just going to deal with dividing community assets. This should be a quick, clean divorce with no further economic entanglements.

For a marriage to have such problems so early on certainly does not bode well for a stable future even if she pulls her head out of her ass. Do yourself a giant favor and move on as quickly as possible. You will come to that conclusion once the anger sets in. Your feelings of helplessness will be replaced with rage and self-preservation. It will happen. Better sooner than later.

Start a new life now. You are young and have a great career. You will do quite well without her. She will only drag you down. No one needs that shit from someone who is supposed to care about you.

Finally, get into therapy with someone versed in infidelity who can help you move on. That is what you need to do. No more fighting, no more arguing, no more worrying about what she is doing. Just cut her out of your life as if she were cancer.

posts: 417   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8669838
default

Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 5:35 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

She cuddles with him. That's it. I think I should keep him, regardless. But I know she's going to throw a fit - that's going to be the ONE THING we fight on.

This is the least of your worries. You're fighting for your LIFE, man, and the building is on fire. Time to act. Now.

I understand it is hard. I understand it is hellish. You will get through this, but you must act.

This is classic branch swinging at defcon 1

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:39 AM, June 25th (Friday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49Married: Feb. 1996DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4249   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8669841
default

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 5:38 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Above all else. Value yourself. Never accept the unacceptable.

I promise you she isn’t worth it. You have everything you need to dump this cancer from your life. Anything else you’re looking for is a waste of time.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8669842
Topic is Sleeping.
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20210924 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy