Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
What now?

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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 6:51 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

I want to thank everyone for their kind words and advice. The past month has been by far the worst of my life and I have found some amazing support here.

I have been going out every morning before work to jog through my neighborhood. I have started to eat full meals again and going to my new therapist. I miss my old therapist and the relation that I had built with him, but so far my new therapist has been a tremendous help in navigating through these emotions.

My daughter went to see her mother. She is still angry with her, but she says that she doesn't want to cut contact with her.

My son has been hurt the most, I think. He thinks I'm an idiot for not having filed for divorce yet, says that he doesn't want anything to do with his mother and that he'll "be happy if she dies". He has made posts on social media calling his mother mysoginistic slurs and has started to be aggressive towards his sister. I told him to take those posts down and that his sister had nothing to do with their mother's choices, but he keeps saying that my therapist is "filling my head with junk" and that "a real man would have divorced her already". I don't recognize him at all. It's hard to accept that all this new behavior is jut from the shock of the discovery and that it wasn't there already, but I trully never thought that my son would turn into this kind of man.

As for how things are between my WW and I, tomorrow I'll go and see her and have her read the timeline she has written in front of me. I also have a polygraph test scheduled for next Saturday. I'm still weighing my options and I think these next two steps can help me make a decision.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8672821
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LostOpportunities20 ( Member #74401) posted at 7:03 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

I don't recognize him at all. It's hard to accept that all this new behavior is jut from the shock of the discovery and that it wasn't there already, but I trully never thought that my son would turn into this kind of man.

The same happened with my son. He was in his mid-teens when WW had her affairs and as he grew into adulthood, the level of misogyny that he acquired was startling. Essentially he states women can't be trusted (the women from WW's side of the family are truly abusive human beings) - and he acted so even towards his very innocent sisters. He is all for preemptively taking aggressive actions and words. Pair that with calling me a lesser man for not having the balls to divorce.

He loved his mother soooo much - then his world blew apart. He hasn't been able to deal with it and refuses IC.

Just part of the shitstorm that infidelity causes.

If you can get your son to agree to IC asap, it will help him in the long run.

[This message edited by LostOpportunities20 at 1:05 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

BH (late 40s)
WW (late 40s) EA 2008, EA/probably PA 2009

Confessed the first, I caught her the second.

R only in as much as we'll stick it out. Too late to start over.

posts: 109   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2020
id 8672826
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 8:49 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

My son has been hurt the most, I think. He thinks I'm an idiot for not having filed for divorce yet, says that he doesn't want anything to do with his mother and that he'll "be happy if she dies". He has made posts on social media calling his mother mysoginistic slurs and has started to be aggressive towards his sister. I told him to take those posts down and that his sister had nothing to do with their mother's choices, but he keeps saying that my therapist is "filling my head with junk" and that "a real man would have divorced her already". I don't recognize him at all. It's hard to accept that all this new behavior is jut from the shock of the discovery and that it wasn't there already, but I trully never thought that my son would turn into this kind of man.

You're not going to want to let that stand. My kids were young adults at the time of discovery too. Like yours, my son went ballistic initially. But I got in his grill about it... told him I'm a full grown woman who can handle her business, that it was MY husband who had done wrong to ME, not to him, and that his relationship with his father was completely separate from our marriage. I didn't defend his father's actions, but I did tell him that if we can only love perfect people, we'll never love anyone.

Of course, he's going to be angry. It's okay to be patient up to a point, but that point is where he's disrespecting you. It's okay to stand up to people who are up in your business telling you what to do. Those people don't have to live their life walking in your shoes or waking up in your bed. Call him out on his misogyny and his judgments. Young people like to think they're so sophisticated and not judgey... but in actuality, they're the judgiest. lol

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8672872
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 9:37 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Tacit,

We all have our own way to cope with betrayal. Your son's actions are one of them, he shows his anger openly instead of keeping it to himself. Your behavior is to face the problem and act as maturely as possible which I admire from you. You need to schedule an IC for both of your kids, they're hurting as much as you do. Again, everything that's happening to your family now is not your fault, it's all your wife's. You have nothing to do with it.

You'll be speaking with your wife about her timeline, expect a roller coaster of emotions coming from you when you see it. That's to be expected. Give yourself time to process it, after that decide your future actions. Your wife seems to be remorseful but the damage has been done and you can't repair a broken glass as they say. Your wife put on a bet on her family's future in a one-time-big-time deal and she lost it all.


Again, good luck to you and your kids. Focus on your well-being and continue to improve your health.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8672893
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 1:32 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Tacit, I'm half serious when I'm asking this, surely this has crossed your mind...

She kept telling me how much she regrets her "mistake", how much she loves me and that things with her AP were "just sex".

Is your wife good with you sleeping with a 20-something woman for six months? I mean if you tell your wife you love her, and it's "just sex", no problems right?

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8672949
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 2:07 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Snow: Sounds logical and fair to me.

posts: 415   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8672961
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 7:13 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Is your wife good with you sleeping with a 20-something woman for six months? I mean if you tell your wife you love her, and it's "just sex", no problems right?

At this stage, I think she can accept it. You know, some WSs give hall pass to their BSs when they are caught. It would be wrong to even make such a request.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8673023
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DictumVeritas ( Member #74087) posted at 8:01 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Tacit, you use disparaging terms such as misogyny towards your son. Be very careful and remember, the woman who he thought of as most virtuous in the world, his mother, has just proven to him that she has none of the virtues that he would want to have in a woman, as a wife.

In his mind, if his mother, the woman he trusted above every other, is so untrustworthy and given to lust, then other women can only be worse especially women of his own generation who he sees engaging in very open and public sexual congress with very limited restrictions (moral core) as to with who and for what reason they would sleep with.

He sees this lustful behavior around him whenever he goes out for a night, but seems to be family orientated and looking for a woman who is (by his observations and to his mind) an exception to this lack of morality that has become the norm.

He has held his mother up as a model by which to compare women in order to find the characteristics he was looking for in a marriage. After all your happy marriage is the one that he would have wished for himself.

His role model for virtue has now defiled herself and smashed the marriage he thought was happy and like one he would want for himself, destroying both the visions of the kind of woman he would have wanted for himself and his faith in the institution of marriage. If the best in his life has fallen so low, how low are those who openly flaunt their lack of morals in his mind now?

If you don't understand that his dreams of the possibility of a faithful and happy marriage with a moral wife was crushed by your wife's actions and you defend women to him by calling him a misogynist (insulting both him and his pain) and disparaging him for acting the way he is in the light of his pain in terms of the possibility of a happy marriage with a faithful woman has just been torn asunder by the woman who was his role model as to what type of things to look at in a woman to one day have a happy marriage, like his parents, then you are creating a rift between yourself and your son that might never be able to heal.

He is not acting like a misogynist, he is acting like a man who has had his role-model as to what a virtuous woman is destroyed and now has understandable trust issues towards women as well as expressing anger, which is a natural part of the healing process after such trauma.

You now have a choice, you can further use the despicable, cultural-Marxist indoctrination that we all have been exposed to and keep following the narrative to file your son in that heinous and culturally-constructed box labeled misogynism, in the process loosing his love and respect or you can understand that his world views and dreams for the future has just been shattered and he is scared and angry because his example of what a good marriage and wife is, has been violently ground to dust and blown away in the wind while most women around him shows characteristics he would not want in a wife, understand him, support him and not condemn him by filing him in that make-belief, straw-man box, called misogynism.

At the moment he feels that if the best of the best women (the mother that raised him) is so morally bereft, lustful and apathetic to his father, that there is no hope for any better woman to exist.

Please, never file him in that despicable (and go to straw-man for intellectually lazy men haters) box called misogynism again. Life has just proven to him he can't trust the woman he trusted the most. Naturally he's angry, naturally he'll have an issue with woman as a larger group.

You can now lead him or loose him, but labeling him is definitely loosing him.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 2:13 AM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8673028
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 8:28 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

I couldn't say it as well as DV!!!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8673030
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BindassBP ( Member #75283) posted at 8:57 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Tacit,

Read what DictumVeritas said above.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2020
id 8673032
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 10:57 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

I may have missed it. But what was WW”s reasons for having her A with her toy boy?

One day at a time

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8673038
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 12:10 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

DictumVeritas explained it very well. In addition to what he wrote, consider, too, how you destroyed the image of the father figure in his eyes by behaving weakly towards the cheater.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8673052
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Reddirtman ( New Member #77340) posted at 2:51 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

DV, very well stated.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2021   ·   location: OK
id 8673083
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GiggleLoopMayor ( New Member #74900) posted at 5:04 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Good lord what kind of nonsensical word salad did DV just spew? To counteract that and all his adoring fans, im going to say good job reeling your son in. His disgust with his mother is understandable and i woupd tread lightly reprimadning him on that but attacking his sister is definitly unacceptable since shes sharing the same pain and just being a general misogynist (yes thats a real thing, not some strawman whatever the hell DV said.) Is just going to lead him further down a path of anger, bitterness and loneliness. Ironically enough, the ex wife who cheated was probably the most traditional in the sense that DVs saying, and me much more "morally bankrupt" ex gfs were far more loyal.

Your sons on the psth of an incel, hatred of all women because of what one woman has done is wrong, its misogyny as you rightfully pointed out. Hold space for his pain and let him come to terms with his relationship with his mother, but dont let him sink in his anger and lash out at those whove done nothing wrong, it will only isolate him further.

posts: 41   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2020
id 8673123
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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 5:20 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

I am not sure that I agree with what DV has written. I realize that everyone here has their own experiences and that going through infidelity probably colors how a lot of people see waywards. But in my experience, misogyny is most definitely a real thing. You don't need to be a "man-hater" to see how women have been historically treated even well into the 20th century and now at the start of the 21st and to know that irrational hatred and contempt of women is a real thing.

The language that my son has been using to refer to women, including his sister who is very much hurting as well, is vile and repulsive. His anger towards his mother is very much justified. I would never dream of telling him that he shouldn't be hurt. But he is directing his anger towards other women that have nothing to do with this situation or, in the case of my daughter, are just as much a victim of my WW's infidelity as he is.

I also don't think that I agree that there is now a "lack of morals" in society. My view is that as long as you're not in a commited relationship with someone, you're not hurting anyone and that everything is done between consenting adults, you can do whatever the fuck you want.

My son is now legally an adult. I cannot make him do anything, but I am going to encourage him to seek IC along with me and his sister and I am going to put my foot down when I feel that he is being disrespectful to me or to women.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8673126
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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 5:24 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

To answer Buffer's question, in her timeline she describes how he has given her attention and how she found it thrilling. I haven't yet had a propper discussion with my wife to learn exactly what was going through her head besides what she has written down, but if I take her at her word, her AP made her feel young and having an illicit affair excited her.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8673127
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MrBreeze ( New Member #69184) posted at 5:39 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

+1 for DV.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2018   ·   location: California
id 8673135
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 5:53 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Good lord what kind of nonsensical word salad did DV just spew? To counteract that and all his adoring fans, im going to say good job reeling your son in.

@GiggleLoopMayor

So how would you describe this rudeness? Is this something curable or are you really a helpless sick?

@Tacit

Except his mother and sister, you didn't mention any hostility towards women in general. No one says it's okay to be hostile to women.

At this stage, his attitude towards his mother is quite understandable, and his attitude towards his sister is probably due to her meeting with her mother, but it's inappropriate.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8673139
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annanew ( Member #43693) posted at 6:01 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

if we can only love perfect people, we'll never love anyone

This deserves a round of applause in this age of intense polarization.

Thank you for saying it ChamomileTea

Tacit, sure, your son needs time. But a few months from now he may need a kick in the pants. Our polarized culture is a symptom of widespread emotional idiocy. Hopefully your son can find some wisdom. The way to do it is via self-awareness and experience. You can't accelerate experience but you can enhance self-awareness.

Single mom to a sweet girl.

posts: 2440   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 8673140
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 6:01 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

We don’t need to insult each other here.

If you disagree with a post that’s fine. Don’t insult or name call please.

People here at SI are better than that.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10532   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8673141
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