Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
What now?

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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 3:10 AM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

MickeyBill2016 Yes, she has gotten tested as well.

M1965 Yes, my wife has told them the reason why she's quitting. Apparently he's lost his job.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8670300
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M1965 ( Member #57009) posted at 3:16 AM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

M1965 Yes, my wife has told them the reason why she's quitting. Apparently he's lost his job.

Tacit, I apologize for focusing on that issue, but it was very important that the guy should not get away unchallenged. I hope that losing his job will stop him from doing something like this again. He is too young to understand the damage that he has done, but perhaps this will ring some alarm bells for him.

And full respect to the HR department there for kicking him out.

posts: 1177   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8670301
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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 3:19 AM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

I understand, M1965. I realize that the people on this forum know what they are talking about. And that everyone here has strong opinions on how things should be handled.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8670303
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 5:07 AM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

I still recommend when you come back together to talk about the timeline you ask her to read the most difficult parts to you.

She needs to confront what she did. Writing it out is one thing. Saying the words out loud to her Husband whom she vowed to love and protect is quite another. And makes it real.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3167   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8670316
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paboy ( Member #59482) posted at 6:57 AM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

Drawing a line in the sand is a good visual action that you can consider to assist you in how to move forward.

Obviously, any infidelity would be an appropriate line, however, in most instances, we reset it after the initial DD.

Your line could be a 'time period' to see whether you are willing to remain in the marriage.

It maybe on what transpired during the affair.

Perhaps it maybe on her actions after the affair.

Drawing a line gives you some guidelines where you are at, and a point where you can decide outcomes.

Hope this helps.

posts: 586   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8670326
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 12:24 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

Tacit,

Some countries have specific rules against adultery that might include the affair partner. When you talk to you lawyer, you can also ask if there's a way you can file a case to the affair partner. I know you have lots of evidences from their conversations and also you haver personal witnesses. You can use it against the affair partner if you decide.

I know it hurts a lot reading the timeline but it's essential for moving forward. Whatever you may find out will help you in your decision moving forward.

All the best!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8670348
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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 2:59 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

As of today, I am three weeks out from DDay.I have spoken to a few divorce attorneys and now I know what my options are in case I want to follow a divorce route.

Here in Brazil if adultery is the reason for a divorce, the adulterous spouse loses the right to alimony, so that shouldn't prove to be too big of an issue.

I don't know how it works in other parts of the world, but here there are different ways that a couple's assets could be split depending on how they got married. My wife and I were married under "full separation of goods". That means that everything we own is owned either by me or her, so if we do get divorced, we'll already know what each person gets. The house is registered in my name, so she wouldn't get that.

There are a few different ways on how the divorce could happen and depending on how my WW reacts to it, it could take from a week to two years.

In addition to a divorce, I could also sue my WW and her AP for moral damages.

I'm still not sure if that's the route I want to take, but at least now I know my options.

As for everything else that has been going on, my daughter is coming home today. She still doesn't know about her mother's affair, but I have already texted her and warned her that her mother is staying at her grandparents' house. I told her that something happened and that I wanted to tell her what it is in person.

There is something that I wanted to ask this community about. I have been advised to seek a polygraph test. I have found a place that does them relatively close to my home. The thing is, everything that I see about them online keeps telling me how unreliable they are, how they are pseudoscience at best, how they are not admissible in court, how an innocent person can get nervous and fail them while a guilty person can keep their cool and pass it. I know that everything that has been suggested to me here has been done so out of experience and that the people on this forum know what they are talking about, but I am starting to get second thoughts about the polygraph. I guess that I am looking for some reassurance that this is the correct thing to do.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8670891
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 3:12 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Tacit,

My understanding is that polygraphs are not 100% reliable but are still very effective (80%+). They are one tool you can use to ferret out the truth. Often times, when you schedule a polygraph test with a wayward spouse, you'll get the infamous parking lot confession. So, the polygraph can be an effective way to get the spouse to come clean prior to the test with anything they haven't told you, such as previous affairs.

Further, you should understand that polygraph examiners are like any other profession. There are good ones and bad ones. You should choose a firm that has employees with significant experience and have performed work for law enforcement, intelligence agencies, etc.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8670898
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leafields ( Member #63517) posted at 3:23 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Will the results of a polygraph help you? I didn't get a polygraph because it wasn't important to me. I new XH cheated, he lied a lot, and the results from the polygraph wasn't going to change my course of action.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 642   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8670903
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 3:24 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

A polygraph consists of 3-4 very specific fact based yes/no questions that you develop with the examiner. Cost about $500.

Why a polygraph? Because your wife proved that she is capable of 24/7 deceit and now you can't believe anything she says or promises. And the uncertainty that she created is not something you are willing to live with.

In the USA they are frequently used in cases of infidelity, particularly where the WW is desperate to save their marriage (lie and/or withhold information).

They are not perfect but are still used in the USA by private companies, certain government agencies (national security), and cases involving child molesters on parole.

Just the prospect of facing a polygraph often encourages a full confession (sometimes at the last minute). Therefore, it's a tool to encourage your wife to not withhold information (as much as a tool to confirm the truth).

It doesn't matter if you trust them as long as she believes you do (bluff if you must). Clearly they are not appropriate in life/death circumstances.

Unfortunately, there has never been a peer reviewed study of the reliability of polygraph tests (with breath, depth, and appropriate control groups) that satisfies science.

Liars of course claim they're useless. The polygraph association claims they're 80-85% accurate.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 9:25 AM, June 29th (Tuesday)]

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8670904
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 3:56 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

I have been advised to seek a polygraph test.

Will the results of the test make a difference to you? You already know she cheated,how often,and with whom. You have a timeline of information about where and when. A ploy could tell you if she's still hiding stuff or still lying. Would that help you in your decision? You already seem to have alot of information. If she failed it would that be an automatic dealbreaker even if she told you it was because she was nervious? If she passes it are you ready to believe everything she says as true?

You can always call the poly place and talk to the person that runs it. See if they make you feel more confident in having one done.

In the end it's up to you and if you think it will make a difference to you in the long run.

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8670911
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 5:42 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

The thing is, everything that I see about them online keeps telling me how unreliable they are, how they are pseudoscience at best, how they are not admissible in court, how an innocent person can get nervous and fail them while a guilty person can keep their cool and pass it.

Polygraph machines measure certain electro-chemical responses in the body that, in most people, increase/decrease with anxiety. The science, which is not pseudo-science, is that people have increased anxiety when they lie. The polygraph machine is quite sensitive.

Certainly there are some people who can control their anxiety level and show a "flat" response when lying. This might include highly trained individuals (a small number), but ironically it could also include sociopaths who have no empathy.

There are people who have high levels of anxiety. However, polygraphs rarely result in a "false positive" for lying. It's because a good examiner asks a lot of control questions and establishes a norm for the individual being examined.

Polygraphs are not useful for drilling down to a granular level of factual detail. They are good for broad, general questions: "Have you had sex with anybody other than your husband and the AP since you were married?"

In addition to the exam itself, the thought of an exam looming over a WW's head can often inspire her to be more honest and complete with her disclosure, and/or it sometimes elicits a "parking lot confession" from a WW.

Here in Brazil if adultery is the reason for a divorce, the adulterous spouse loses the right to alimony, so that shouldn't prove to be too big of an issue.

In addition to a divorce, I could also sue my WW and her AP for moral damages.

That goes a long way toward explaining why she now seems so desperate to preserve the marriage.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:30 PM, June 29th (Tuesday)]

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8670936
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 6:28 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

As for everything else that has been going on, my daughter is coming home today. She still doesn't know about her mother's affair, but I have already texted her and warned her that her mother is staying at her grandparents' house. I told her that something happened and that I wanted to tell her what it is in person.

If I received a text like that from my father, I would immediately contact my mother, so be prepared for your daughter to have a version of what happened from your WW. What she chooses to tell your daughter may give you some insight as to where she is on the remorse/regret scale.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8670946
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 7:00 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Polygraphs are not pseudoscience. In America, they are routinely used at the highest levels of government, law enforcement, and the corporate world.

The biggest variable in accuracy is the competence of the polygraph administrator.

Being nervous will not cause someone to fail a polygraph because they calibrate the measurement for just those physiological parameters.

I've seen information that states properly administered polygraphs are 90% accurate. But whatever the case is, you can be assured it is more trustworthy than you wife's word.

posts: 873   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8670957
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 10:29 AM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Most of the time you don't really fail polys. You just don't pass or get inconclusive rests. The examiner is looking for the difference in physiological responses when asked control questions, is your name x and questions being tested. It's not perfect but it works well most of the time. The only reason I would think you need one in this case would be the question of whether or not this is your WW first affair. That would be very important information for you if you are considering R.

[This message edited by grubs at 10:31 AM, Wednesday, June 30th]

posts: 740   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8671112
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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 9:59 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

The last two days have been the hardest since DDay. Both my daughter and my son now know about their mother's affair. My daughter was the first to come home from college. She told me that she tried contacting her mother, but apparently she wouldn't tell her anything other than that she "did something horrible."

I sat down with my daughter when she arrived and explained to her everything that I knew, how her mother had an affair with a coworker young enough to be her son and how her siblings were the ones that had to tell me what was going on. She was as shocked as I was the day that we found out. We held each other and cried together. She asked me what I wanted to do and I said that I didn't know yet. I told her I have spoken with a divorce attorney, but that I'm still trying to figure out what to do next.

My son came home yesterday and I think he took it harder than his sister. I sat down with him and explained everything the same way that I did with his sister. He blew up. He started screaming and calling his mother names. That hurt more than I thought it would. I don't want my children to lose their mother, even after what she has done. I told him that he has every right to be angry with her, but that I don't want him referring to her that way ever again.

As of today they are both staying home with me and helping me out around the house. My wife has tried to contact them, but they have ignored her calls and she hasn't insisted on it.

I want my family back.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8671642
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 10:28 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

I am truly sorry for your predicament. Your wife did an absolutely horrible thing to you, the children, and the marriage. What a total fool. Only time will tell if you can get over this disgusting betrayal. I have no advice. Every situation is different. This affair was total nonsense on the part of your wife. She destroyed everything for some kicks. Sadly, you will carry this betrayal with you for quite some time. I can't see how you could ever feel the same about your WW let alone trust her. Good luck to you. Take care of yourself and your children.

posts: 415   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8671651
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 12:11 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

It seems your wife not only lost your family but she lost the trust of all the people dear to her. It's so sad but she did it to herself. She replaced the joy of having a complete family with a fantasy that she knew was only temporary.

Now she put everyone in your family in a living hell.

Not only that, she seems to lose everything once you file for divorce, no alimony, no support for anything. She'll be living a lonely life from now on.

It's sad but she really did it to herself.

All the best to you and your kids. You should schedule them for IC too.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8672702
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DictumVeritas ( Member #74087) posted at 12:51 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Tacit, how are you though this all? Are you looking after yourself and your health?

This is such a violent shock to your system and your pain is palpable in your words.

Please remember that it is time for you to be as selfish as your wife had been. She is no longer your concern (whether she would be again in future is up to you). You need to look after yourself alone.

With adult children in the home, it is not your job to direct or mitigate their anger. You have already raised them and instilled values and they will judge as they do and are old enough to live with the consequences of their judgement and actions. You may opine upon the lives of your adult children, but you can no longer steer their path.

Just know there are people all over the world who are thinking about you and our prayers and well-wishes are with you and your son and daughter.

One step at a time, one foot in front of the other and please make sure you travel in the direction that would be best for your future.

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8672705
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 6:11 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Children who are alienated from a parent have a tougher time in life. No matter what you do with your marriage I hope you encourage your children to make peace with their mother. What she did was stupid. It was beyond stupid but it doesn’t mean she loses her children’s love.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2907   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8672811
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