SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out about my husband's near-decade long affair (and dating sites, and other EA's) almost 8 months ago now. At first I wanted him out immediately, but then I let him stay because I was just in such shock and could barely function. I wanted to badly for this to somehow not be true, for there to be some way to rationalize it or fix it because I didn't want to put my kids through the pain I knew would come with them finding out and us separating.

But I feel like I'm living a lie, and I can't continue. I told him I want to separate for 3 months to start out, and see how I feel after that and see if he does any meaningful self-work.

We told our kids yesterday and they're just so sad, and I'm heartbroken for them. I worked so hard all these years to grow as a person, be the best mom I can be, and not pass on my family dysfunction to my kids. I'm devastated that my husband was doing the exact opposite in secret all this time.

I never wanted this for them. I can't understand how my husband could do what he did without a single thought to how it would impact our kids, and honestly that feels scary to me. He is not a safe person. I want so badly for him to become one, because I want our kids to have their parents together, but I'm not sure I could ever trust him again.

Anyway, I'm so sad for my kids and just needed to get this out to people who understand.

(((CSAIHT))). You have been heard. It is sad. But so glad your kids have YOU in their lives.

(((CSAIHT))). You have been heard. It is sad. But so glad your kids have YOU in their lives.

Thank you for witnessing my pain.

So sad this is happening to you. I read from your other thread that you had the chance before to cheat but you made the conscious decision to stop it. Bad thing is your husband didn't, instead he did multiple instances of infidelities.
Stay strong for your family and yourself.
All the best!

(((csaiht)))

He is not a safe person. I want so badly for him to become one

You can't build a marriage on potential. A serial cheater is who he is. I hate to say it, most cheaters never change. And serial cheaters? I don't think those ever change. Ever. His issues run so deep he will never be able to go far enough and fix it. Your marriage was never what you thought it was. He lived a double life the entire time.

I'll bet my left arm he had way more than one PA. With all those rare as unicorns EA's...

I'm so sorry. And I'll tell you this, you will never trust him again. You'll want to, and you might even delude yourself into thinking everything is normal (rugsweeping) because he says he's sorry a couple of times. And because you'll want the status quo. But it will eat you alive inside and you will never feel peace or true happiness.

I feel like I'm living a lie, and I can't continue. I told him I want to separate

Just be aware, this will likely be a hall pass in his mind. If he was on dating sites, he was always open for business, and still is. Focus on yourself and your healing. Consult with several attorneys.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know your pain. My STBX has a similar history, always open for business with other women. I had no idea. The trauma of this discovery is quite acute. And his choices have nothing to do with you. Remember that. He's a very very sick man, and you cannot fix him.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 5:58 AM, June 21st (Monday)]

I am so sorry. Your post really resonated with me. Myself and wh had unstable upbringing and I really vowed to give my kids the stability we didn't have..break the cycles with us. I'm getting angry I've given him countless chances to sort his shit out and break the cycles and he's just buried his head and continued to inflict them on us all. I really don't think I can keep putting myself and therefore my kids through those cycles and damage. But I dread what will happen with him if we separate. I just feel I wouldn't be there as the buffer anymore. I think he could spiral. I mean he's managed to press the self destruct button several times with support and me standing by him what will happen when he's lost his home and kids and support?

But he's not my responsibility. Although what it does to my kids really feels like my worry too.

I just really wish the stability and love I value for our children meant as much to him as it does me.

I can see your kids are around the age I was when my parents separated. What I can say is the fighting and atmosphere was horrendous. I developed anxiety and everyone was miserable. My mum spiraled afterwards so that's where my lack of stability really came from. But had she been able to give me some stability herself I really think it would've been been than staying together...infact it still was better than staying together. But obv self care to help keep the focus on a healthy happy home is possible and most definitely the best outcome. I'm now realising this might be the best for my kids too. My eldest is only 7/8 and he hasn't seen much of his dad recently and he's really feeling it. The pain of thinking about S decision is unbearable

Making the choice to S/D for me was really hard, and (thank goodness) we didn't have kids. I can't imagine how much scarier and harder that decision would be if there were kids in the mix.

But I will say this. I was raised by a single mom. And she always provided a home for us. She taught me the value of hard work. She taught me the pride of being independent. And a big part of the reason why I was able to divorce my cheating wasband was because she taught me that I don't 'need' to have a man around, especially one that doesn't value me. Even with her ups and downs, my mom was (and still is) my rock. Point being, you absolutely don't need 2 parents for stability.

Fwiw, I think you're so brave and so strong for valuing yourself enough to make a really hard decision. Your kids are very lucky to have such a kickass mama.