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 ASoreLoser (original poster New Member #78968) posted at 1:27 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

I got a call from my wife this morning that AP tried to contact her through email despite the NC letter that we sent. She said she didn't know what to do so she called me instead. I looked into the email and it AP thanking her for "their brief moment of happiness" and for everything. The POS also said that he hopes she is "making the right choice for herself and not for anyone else". I swear I want to cave this guy's skull.

I just told WW to ignore it for now but deep down I'm fuming. What should I do? I really want to reply to him that will hurt his ego.

I also took most of your guy's advice, and I called OBS and basically told her this

"______, I would just like to thank you for what you did, it ignited some sexual confidence that I thought I didn't have anymore. But I sincerely request that it won't happen again, not that I didn't like it but I think it would only make things much more complicated than it already is. You are a desirable and beautiful woman, and from what I can tell - you're also strong and smart. I won't ignore the fact that this helped with my self-esteem and I hope that it did yours.

If you ever need anything and I mean anything, don't hesitate to reach out. I'm here as your friend and as a fellow betrayed but I'm also going to try and work with my wife. I wish you the best. Tell me if you ever need anything."

She understands that what she did was inappropriate but she wasn't apologetic. I could sense that she's tired because of her tone and 2 noisy kids in the background. I asked her about the meeting with my wife and she agreed on it on Friday so we have to set it up.

My boss talked to me this morning and he asked me if I'm ok because he could tell that I have been slacking which I think I am a little bit. This isn't a good sign, in this industry and day and age. I am easily replacable so I'll have to get back in the game.

Oh, and the first result of my STD test came back and so far it's negative. There's that I guess.

[This message edited by ASoreLoser at 7:44 AM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2021
id 8673061
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HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 1:42 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

She needs to send him this...

OM,

I have told you I want no more contact from you. You have disrespected my wishes. If you attempt to contact me again, in any way, legal action will be taken.

WW

Save that email. If he attempts any contact, go to the police, and file a restraining order.

OR..

She can have her attorney send him an official NC letter,which basically states the same as above.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:43 AM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

posts: 3706   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8673066
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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 1:47 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

I really want to reply to him that will hurt his ego.

Don't let your caveman brain take over here. He is beneath you and not worthy of your attention. I would say the same of your WW, but that is your decision. AP is a loser, you know it, your WW claims to know it, HE knows it. The best thing you can do is ignore him. Your WW should block his email and number. If he sends her email from another address or calls from other phones, keep track and you can have him arrested for stalking.

Keep the focus on yourself and what you want. If you want to consider R with your WW, that's fine. Figure out what she needs to do for you to offer her the opportunity. Think about what YOU need in order to begin to trust again.

I would suggest you start the 180 for a while, tell your WW to give you some space so you can think. It will allow you to really consider the situation without being twisted by emotions. It will also allow your WW to show you how serious she is. If she takes steps to put you and the M first, great. If not, then it makes your decision very easy.

posts: 1512   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8673067
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 2:43 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

I agree with the cease and desist response back from your WW. Then she should block him from her email (already should have).

Forward the message to the OBS so she can see what her POS husband is still doing.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3167   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8673079
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 3:04 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

First, forward the e-mail to OBS.

Your wife is now behaving unconsciously in the rush of being caught. You know they had a deep romance during the A and she still has feelings for AP. She may seem like she wants to save her marriage now, but in the future, when everything seems normal, if you have the slightest fight or she is in a depression, these don't even need to happen when she sees a valid reason for herself, who can say that the same thing will not happen? Since their A ended for external rather than internal reasons, there's no reason why it shouldn't flare up again. Not necessarily him, but of course it could be with someone else.

It's best for R to have WS do the right thing without you having to say it, otherwise it's understandable to tell her what you expect and expect her to do. But forcing her to do something, being a marriage police, should be the most undesirable situation for BS. In such a situation, I think I would feel very fed up with all this, and I would also feel cold towards my WW because of the situation she put me in. Even when reading, such a feeling arises.

Normally, I never say to contact the POS AP, on the contrary, I say not to do it. But here I would like to reply to both the POS AP and the WW in response to the email that they are disgusting, they deserve each other, he can take her, they can do whatever they want, I won't break his nose this time, and I'm done. That's just how things made me feel, I still suggest you don't. But you can say these to your WW.

You too need to calmly consider all of these too. After all, you need to find out if you want to stay in this marriage, if you do, why.

180 gives you the opportunity to think clearly, and you can also observe her reaction when you detach yourself from her. In fact, it is best to continue without deviating from your original plan; staying in another apartment and continuing the divorce proceedings.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8673088
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:26 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Forward the message to the OBS so she can see what her POS husband is still doing.

Yep. ASAP.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8673095
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BluerThanBlue ( Member #74855) posted at 3:53 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

"______, I would just like to thank you for what you did, it ignited some sexual confidence that I thought I didn't have anymore. But I sincerely request that it won't happen again, not that I didn't like it but I think it would only make things much more complicated than it already is. You are a desirable and beautiful woman, and from what I can tell - you're also strong and smart. I won't ignore the fact that this helped with my self-esteem and I hope that it did yours.

If you ever need anything and I mean anything, don't hesitate to reach out. I'm here as your friend and as a fellow betrayed but I'm also going to try and work with my wife. I wish you the best. Tell me if you ever need anything."

I hope you didn't send this to OBS as an email or text message. If so, this could easily be interpreted as confession of sex or an affair on your part, rather than just a spontaneous kiss. If you were hoping that your evidence of an affair would've given you some kind of upper hand in the divorce proceedings, a good lawyer on the opposing side could use this to undermine your case.

I strongly advise you to back off OBS and only have contact with her if it pertains to broken contact between your spouses or other evidence that's relevant to her. You're both very mentally and emotionally vulnerable and she's clearly fraught and not thinking rationally. Also, your shared sense of betrayal is creating an artificial connection that might not have existed otherwise; for all you know, you might not have much of a basis for friendship if you met under normal circumstances.

edit;add- I forgot to mention that since you and OM both have ROs on each other, you really can't respond to him even if you wanted to because he will no doubt use that against you. It's also another good reason to stay away from OBS.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:58 AM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 474   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8673099
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BeyondRage ( Member #71328) posted at 4:46 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

She needs to send him this...

OM,

I have told you I want no more contact from you. You have disrespected my wishes. If you attempt to contact me again, in any way, legal action will be taken.

WW

Save that email. If he attempts any contact, go to the police, and file a restraining order.

OR..

She can have her attorney send him an official NC letter,which basically states the same as above.

Please read the above from Hell Fire again. If you do not do this this POS will be busting your balls on an ongoing basis.

And when your wife is in front of her the OBS needs to fully understand that her ass hole husband may wind her up in legal problems if he doesn't get the fucking message and listen to your attorney.

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 476   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8673119
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SlapNutsABingo ( Member #71353) posted at 6:53 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

You too need to calmly consider all of these too. After all, you need to find out if you want to stay in this marriage, if you do, why.

Money is never the reason to enter the 1000 yard, morning mirror stare day after day.

Your children growing up in a broken home with a broken parent is doing damage to them you will not see for years to come.

Love is not what you had or have now. You don't love those you have done this to. Love is fighting with all your being to NOT have gotten to this point.

posts: 383   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: WI
id 8673160
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 7:39 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

I asked her about the meeting with my wife and she agreed on it on Friday so we have to set it up.

Who is it that wants this meeting? If it's the OBS, fine. She can say what she's up for. But if it's to assuage your WW's guilt, than no. Not to alarm anyone because the risks are fairly small, but the OBS is pregnant, so stress comes with additional risks. Extra blood volume means there can be rapid changes in blood pressure. I just don't think it's smart to cause any additional stress at this time. She could lose her baby or even stroke out. Like I said, the risks are small, but going face to face with an AP is a high stress situation.

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8673175
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 7:57 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

The problem with all these "no contact letter" backed by legal consequences plans, is that ASL's wife is very likely continuing the contact as much as Mr. Shitbag.

posts: 873   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8673183
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HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 8:08 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

I agree, she is most likely in contact with him. That's why I suggested he tell her to send another, threatening legal action. If she hesitates, that will tell him she is definitely in contact.

Taking it a step further, and OP telling his wife to have the attorney send him an official one, she will be even more reluctant to do so.

My suggestion was more to test whether she is in contact, than to actually get OM to stay away.

If it were me, I'd make an appointment with the attorney, and take my husband to the appointment. Once we get there, I'd tell him we are there to have the attorney send an official NC order. Her response would be very informative. She isn't going to want to get the OM in legal trouble if she is in contact with him.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:09 PM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

posts: 3706   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8673185
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 8:57 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

What will happen if the OBS mentions the kiss during the meeting with your WW?

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8673207
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 10:12 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

ASL - you're bending to your wife, maybe out of habit and you need to stop. She does not need to meet OBS. If she wants, she can write her a damn letter.

As for R.....dude, she was just rushing to see how AP was just like last week. Why are you rushing to R with a woman who clearly has one foot out the door, and squarely on AP's ship. You will easily regret this decision to offer up R so quickly. Wait, watch and observe your WW's actions. She needs months of therapy to wake her ass up and then, after you're in a more stable state, you can make the call. Witness her actions, get all you need including time. Don't rush this.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8673240
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yellowledbetter ( Member #70518) posted at 12:38 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Had my H’s AP asked to meet with me, I would have jumped at the chance....to beat her ass into next year. That is all. What could a woman like your wife possibly have to say to that OBS that’s going to help her moving forward? No, your wife is just selfish and sounds like she’s enjoying the drama.

Tell her to start being a decent human being and leave the OBS alone. Write a damn letter instead if she’s so full of remorse! This is actually absurd. OBS pregnant for crying out loud. Your wife and the posom have done enough damage to innocent people. They deserve each other.

SMH.

Me: BW 50
WH: 53, LTA, AP 20 yrs younger.
Married 32 yrs, together for 35.
3 children(1 still at home)
DDay Dec19/2018
Attempting Reconciliation.

~where there is deep grief, there was great love.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8673323
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 1:30 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Brother

What Beyond Rage said!

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8673338
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 1:46 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I agree with the sentiment to watch and observe your WW’s actions while taking your time. You are going to be on that emotional rollercoaster for a while. See how your WW reacts. But I disagree that your WW had one foot out the door and couldn’t wait to be with the AP. This IMO was a purely selfish, fantasy A, but she was never intended to leave you. Just my two cents.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2795   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8673344
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 4:30 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Inform your boss what’s going on if you haven’t. You don’t need more trouble to deal with.

I’m sure they’ve dealt with this before.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8673374
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RocketRaccoon ( Member #54620) posted at 9:59 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Being snarky here:

Why don't you help OBS and get her a 'Pediatric physical therapist'? You can use the $400 your WS used to fund her escapades to help the OBS

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 889   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8673410
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 12:01 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

The POS also said that he hopes she is "making the right choice for herself and not for anyone else".

He's trying to get back inside her head. It's good she told you.

The POS as a serial cheater is a master manipulator and an expert at identifying and mirroring whatever negative feelings are in a woman's head.

For example, feeling unappreciated, youth lost, trapped at home with 4 little kids.

Mirroring is used by therapists to make the patient feel safe and to build an emotional bond. And it's misused by predators. And as an Ex he had an advantage.

Not excusing your wife but suggest there's no reason to assume she's a serial cheater. Although she still has a long way to go to fix herself and prove to you she deserves a second chance.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8673439
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