SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Listen to Cooly she speaks the truth.

I actually would like to try to reconcile

Why?

She probably knows she is being monitored. Start looking for her burner phone.

She grabbed my face and bam! her tongue down my throat for a good 10 seconds.

It doesn't take 10 seconds to pull away from an unwanted kiss. Even though you didn't kiss her, that she kissed you, you didn't pull away. I guess you'll have to decide if it's worth telling your WW.

Most here say not to, but if I were the wayward being asked of every detail I'd expect the same...I think! Maybe a Wayward can help with this one.

[This message edited by scaredwoman at 3:03 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

If you want to R, the important thing is to watch her actions and not her words. Your WW is going to have to demonstrate humility for what she has done. She is going to have to take your anger and answer your questions without defensiveness. It’s hard to face what you have done to people you claim to love and care about. Her actions were very selfish. I don’t care if she was feeling bored or ignored or unloved. She has to take actions to try and rebuild some trust in your M so that even when things are not going her way, she is faithful. ChamomileTea said it best, she seems immature from your description. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:50 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

Cooley2here,

I think it’s impossible for men to understand how helpless a pregnant woman feels. This poor woman has to deal with the fact that she has a serial cheater for a husband and a father to her children. She kissed you out of desperation and you know it. Leave it alone. That was not a come-on from her it was desperation. I think you need to stay in touch with her as a friend. She needs all the help she can get with her self-esteem. It’s at rock-bottom right now.

I genuinely would like to know more about it. I offered to help her with her finances and some of her legal fees and that's about it. How can I be a friend to OBS while not jeopardizing my own reconciliation attempt with my wife?

SlapNutsABingo, Money, Kids, and love.

scaredwoman, I guess it went on for that long because I liked it. I didn't want it but it was given to me. For that brief moment, I reciprocated the kiss but not in a way implying that I was interested, I just went with it so the kiss wouldn't be awkward like two ducks pecking each other.

It was a confidence booster for sure, for both of us.

--------------

I was thinking of sending a text to OBS. What do you guys think?

"______, I would just like to thank you for what you did, it ignited some sexual confidence that I thought I didn't have anymore. But I sincerely request that it won't happen again, not that I didn't like it but I think it would only make things much more complicated than it already is. You are a desirable and beautiful woman, and from what I can tell - you're also strong and smart. I won't ignore the fact that this helped with my self-esteem and I hope that it did yours.

If you ever need anything and I mean anything, don't hesitate to reach out. I'm here as your friend and as a fellow betrayed but I'm also going to try and work with my wife. I wish you the best. Tell me if you ever need anything."

Or would you guys prefer it on a different tone?

Don't put anything in writing. It will come back to haunt you.

ASoreLoser,

Do NOT put that in a text or an e-mail. Give her a call if you'd like. You don't need a permanent record that can be twisted, misconstrued or used against you.

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 8:27 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

How would this benefit me from telling my wife? I think it would just make things worse honestly. Should I just contact OBS to not tell a soul about that as it would only complicate things?

Your wife will find out. You need to get out in front of this. Admit you liked it because you wanted to strike back at the AP; and she's an attractive woman.

Withholding this information is deceit.

It's the lack of trust that kills a marriage.

Tell her tonight. The kiss isn't in the same league as adultery and her lies.

Call. Do.not.put.anything.in.writing! This is just to help her feel like someone cares what she is going through. If you are thinking about R you need to keep your wife informed. This should not be a secret. It’s just one hurt person supporting another.

If you are attempting to reconcile with your WW and the OBS is doing the same, you cannot be in her life at any level. She has a husband and it is up to them to work out their issues. Your involvement will only complicate matters. If the OBS has decided to dump the AP for good, that is a different matter. If your WW doesn't like it, too bad. Keep her out of the process entirely.

Similarly, the AP must stay out of your marriage and so should the OBS. Your WW can send a certified letter to the OBS but that should be it. No meeting. You should review the contents before it goes out. Your wife must go NC with both of them after the letter is sent.

Your wife has a mountain of work to do. You are in an absolute shitty situation because of the four young children. You are going to have to be her warden for years to come. She better understand that she has NO right to privacy anymore. All of her electronic devices must be available to you forever along with their passwords. Tracking devices on your cars and her telephone are a must. I'd stick an ankle bracelet on the skank if it were me and it was possible.

Keep the divorce moving along and if she shows significant improvement, stay the proceedings if that is what you want. I feel for you. Co-parenting makes the most sense to me, but with four young children, I can understand your reluctance to move directly to divorce. Just don't let her get away with anything from this point forward.

Make sure she gets a job. Watch out for co-workers who might startup with her. NO GIRLS NIGHT OUT. I'd get rid of the WW, but I understand the dilemma.

[This message edited by src9043 at 8:42 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

I strongly advise against putting anything in writing with regards to your communication with OBS. It might come back to haunt you later. You know how wily AP is, he might use it to turn the tables against you.

Regarding R, you'll have to think about it before you commit on doing R. You haven't proven anything yet with regards to your wife. The other day she was just checking on AP, she hasn't gotten over her yet. I advise you to take your time, don't rush things.

Given the volatility of the OM. I would not disclose.

Also nothing in writing to OBS.

Holy shit on toast, considering the pile of garbage that has been dropped on you and that poor pregnant woman your wife's scumbag affair partner is abusing, I cannot believe that there is debate about disclosing a 10 second kiss between two people who have been rocked by a mutual premeditated betrayal.

If you tell your wife at this time, you are handing her a knife to stab you with, and handing another knife to the shitbag who showed up to your home and assaulted you! You know, the same guy your wife is trying to comfort after that fact!

Let's see: Your wife has been fucking her high school sweetheart (and God only knows what else she has been getting up to during your marriage) and the shitbag she has been screwing is a serial cheater who was cheating on his wife while pregnant.

Here is another fact: Neither you nor the other betrayed spouse are perfect people, nor were you prepared for this horrible situation. If there was ever an incident that could be labeled a "mistake" this is it.

This does not put you anywhere near the same territory as your disloyal, dishonest, and immoral wife.

If you tell her now, she will constantly subject you to the false equivalency of her comparing this desperate moment to her fucking and sucking a married man while using your children's therapy as babysitting and cover!

Also, what kind of abuse might you open up the other betrayed spouse to from her violent husband? Think hard on that.

You're not perfect. Neither is the other betrayed spouse.

If your wife had a 10-second kiss with Mr. Shitbag, you would be hurt, but would you be in anywhere near this terrible state of mind? No.

Don't worry about what standard your cheating wife wants to hold you to after she has been exposed as someone who does not care about her word, honor, your health, or the foundation of her family. It's bizarre to me that we're talking about what "she would want to know". Seriously, who gives a shit?

If some time down the line, you make the decision to attempt reconciliation with your lying cheating wife (For which I have a low degree of confidence in the chances of success.), and you know that you will not cause the other betrayed spouse harm, then you might consider telling her, and then never accept any discussion whatsoever that there is any similarity between her actions and yours.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 12:19 AM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

Oh yeah, and don't put anything in writing, about the kiss or anything else you need to keep on the low.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 10:29 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

I think you would do well to chalk it up to grief and ignore that kiss. Don't talk about it with the OBS. Certainly don't write it down. And if you do decide to R with your WW, take it up in with her in MC after you KNOW without any shadow of doubt that there is permanent NC between your WW and the OM. I'm with Neconamida on that if you're in R, than you DO need to disclose and if you end up in D, who cares? But because you really don't know yet, and also because you're NOT going to allow any further incursions from the OBS, I think it can wait until either R or D is well-established and you're in MC. I don't think that's dishonest when we take in the entire picture.

That said, as much as you feel pity for the OBS, it's not your job to fix her life. It's just not. I think it's best for both of you to turn toward your IRL support networks of family and friends. It would be wrong of you to give her money or help without disclosing that to your WW. Bear in mind that your assets and monies are still bound together until/unless your divorce. With any luck, you can just back away from contact with the OBS and not have a big hullabaloo about it, but if you do need to speak to her, do it by phone and don't make a paper trail. The last thing you need is her numbskull WH trying to make moral equivalences over a very stupid moment of grief and fear.

ETA: Just to clarify, the reason I don't think you should bring it up with the OBS is that there really isn't any great way to address it without running the risk of being patronizing, and really, that's the LAST thing a woman in her position and condition needs right now. Better for her to think you're just a guy who avoids talking than to inadvertently cause her further embarrassment.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 10:31 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

I agree with most of what's been said. You don't need to talk about the 'kiss'. You have to put yourself on the shoes of OBS. She has been betrayed, not once, but multiple times. She's been hurting ever since she knew the first betrayal. It's been hard on her.

You are the first guy she really opened up to and really wanted to take care of her. I know you genuinely want to help her and she appreciates it. She might have wanted to reciprocate your kindness and she doesn't know how. So that kiss is her sign of appreciation. Because she has nothing to give you. You should understand that. She's hurting more than you right now because she's experienced this pain more times than you. And she has nowhere to go, you're the first 'place' that offered her a safe haven.

Just continue helping her out but you can state that you don't need anything back. That's it. You don't expect anything from her. And you're not the type of a POS like her husband is. That's the differentiator between the two of you.

All the best!

Hooray for Faithfulman. So much for the kiss.

Now back to what you should be worried about. Your are looking to jump in to R too soon. I get that you have four kids but let’s look at the facts.

Setting aside the depth of the affair and the declared love, think about the following.

She is so calculating that she forces std tests before they consummate their love. Who does that? A stone cold manipulator who is planning it out like a military campaign, all the while acting like everything is perfect at home. This was no spur of the moment passionate thing. It was the act of a planner with a long term goal.

She sits there mumbling platitudes while you pour your heart out on DDay. You bust her and she taunts you. You bust her more and she lies and keeps lying.

This is the love of her life, the one that got away, the one she wants to be with.

All hell breaks loose, and she repeats every device known to man. It’s nothing. It’s not what you think. She’ll do anything. Crying like a maniac, so so sorry. The next day, the next fucking day, she calls him. Read that again, she calls him cause he is feeling low. What did she say they talked about? You know they were working out a mutual story, right?

Then you have make her do an NC, and sit there and watch her do it.

Has she done anything, anything beyond lie, deny and cry?

Giving her a list of requirements for R is appropriate, but not this soon. She already thinks she has you hooked in.

For successful R she needs serious solid consequences. Other than embarrassing herself what is there?

And finally, what the hell is she wanting to meet with OBS for? To explain what exactly? That she never would have executed her sordid plan is she knew OBS was pregnant? That it was OMs fault? That is was just sex?

This is horrible manipulation and you can’t let it happen.

Your wife, who was engaging in outright polyamory need some time to get her head out of her ass. If you are telling her everything she has to do, she will go through the motions. But you should not have to do that. She needs to fix this herself.

You were talking about serving her. Do it and watch what she does next. Stop showing her the moves. She needs to work them out the hard way.

Finally, come to the main topic.

I agree with longsadstory1952.

ASoreLoser,

As I see the thing with OBS is only two betrayeds supporting each other. Nothing to look into it or to talk about. If your WW asks tell her the truth but remember this doesn't even out her affair. Your kiss wouldn't have happened without her affair. And leave it at that.

Keep your head in the main issue. It seems your WW didn't have to face any real consequences, only a huge ego boost:-

>Long lost love reconnecting,

>Long affair EA & PA,

>two grown man fighting for her,

>her betrayed husband still loves and wants to reconcile with her.

Why are you jumping so soon at R? As I see she did nothing other than some lip service. She is still in contact with AP ffs. And she wants to apologize to OBS for the affair during pregnancy? Would it have been better if she were not pregnant? What does that even mean? She is doing all these thing just to absolve her guilt. How does that benifit you?

Don’t email or text that. Just call her and talk to OBS.

Let POS know you are communicating with her. Stuff him!!

One day day at a time.