Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Feeling defeated

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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 6:26 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

I feel like a b-grade consolation prize.

Hell NO!

You're the prize not her, don't ever forget it.

Someday once you're on your way out, or gone, your dopey wife will wake up and realize it.

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8671412
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 6:52 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

So sorry to hear brother.

In her eyes it was just a mistake.

Have you ever asked her what was her plan when she and POS were found out?

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8671416
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redbaron007 ( Member #50144) posted at 9:31 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

We were supposed to have a talk about the affair this coming weekend. I have given her a chance to make it right only to find out that she is still in contact with AP. Despite my brawl with him last week and her begging and promises upon d-day, she is still talking to him and comforting him with his divorce. She is still keeping him at bay. She thinks she has me fooled. She doesn't know I have access to her phone and not only her texts.

I feel like a b-grade consolation prize. I guess were pushing through a divorce.

For f**k sake, OP, what else did you expect, after penning that ridiculously immature 20+ list of demands? What is this, the f*cking headmaster's office? And you were surprised she agreed to all points?

You acted boldly and decisively by filing & serving, you should have followed through by discussing coparenting and shared custody. That signals your maturity and your clarity of thinking. The onus would have been on her to come to you with a list of items she VOLUNTEERS to do in order to save her marriage.

Instead, you came across as weak and immature, offering reconciliation immediately, wanting to be treated better than her boyfriend, talking mushy stuff like creating new memories, reading books together, etc. This nullified the shock factor that a divorce petition delivers, and your WW immediately grasped that.

Re: feeling like a b-grade consolation prize, do you have low self-esteem? It could be a reason why you failed to follow through on D and instead offered reconciliation terms so quickly.

Me: BS (44)
She: WS (41)
One son (6)
DDay: May 2015 (OBS told me)
Divorced, Zero regrets, sound sleep, son doing great!
A FOG is just a weather phenomenon. An Affair Fog is a clever excuse invented by WS's to explain their continued bad behavior.

posts: 220   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2015   ·   location: West Coast
id 8671433
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goalong ( Member #57352) posted at 12:30 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

So she is not ashamed and horrified by the behavior of her BF

[This message edited by goalong at 6:30 AM, July 1st (Thursday)]

posts: 772   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8671454
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 12:42 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

I'm sorry to hear they're still in contact. However, it's not surprising. Yes, not surprising.

Have they discussed meeting face to face? Has she turned him down?

Never disclose that you have access to her emails and texts. Do not disclose your source to the OBS either. You need access whether you D or R.

It's typical to think that your spouse (and their affair) are different. Nope! Maybe it helps to think of your wife as possessed.

We see it all the time. They brainwash themselves into justifying the affair (including convincing themself that they're star crossed lovers who can support each other/remain friends forever). Yes they think they 'love' two men.

And upon exposure they go into deep denial as to the damage they're doing to their spouse, marriage, and family.

It's really too early to predict whether your wife can come out of the fog and make herself a safe partner.

IMO (since you haven't decided yet to R or D) here's what you do:

1 - remind her that you felt she was having an affair (and she was); and now you feel that she's still in contact.

2 - inform her: that you scheduled a polygraph test for tomorrow AM (bluff); and if she fails then you guarantee divorce with no further consideration to R.

3 - inform her that you will give her one chance for you guys to have a chance to R by admitting to being in contact with the OM (including how often, what they discussed - and why). And her answer is subject to a polygraph. (You can tell her tomorrow it's postponed.)

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 6:44 AM, July 1st (Thursday)]

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8671458
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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 12:42 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

ASL, I'm sorry to hear that you are being treated so poorly. You definitely deserve better.

I suggest you initiate the 180 today. Start to disengage from your WW.

What you are dealing with right now is very hard, and it is also hard to see anything positive. I will say that once you start to focus on your future, and ditching the dead weight that is your WW, things will start to look up. You still have life in front of you and you can go find a partner who is worthy of you.

posts: 1512   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8671459
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 12:50 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

If you do talk ask her if she is still in contact with the AP and let her know that her answer will be part of a polygraph test.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3167   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8671461
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 12:52 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

Your feelings are understandable, but you are not a loser, and you will see that in time. You acted decisively. So, your WW has broken NC and maintained secret contact with the AP. No surprise. This happens so often here following Dday it is a cliche. WS cry and beg but in truth they find it difficult to cut contact with the AP. Keep going. Take care of you.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2795   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8671463
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 12:59 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

What did your wife do before marriage and kids? Did she have a responsible prestigious job?

Does your wife have help with the 4 kids during the day? Is she alone all day?

Reminder: recovering from infidelity is a process (no quick fix).

Whether you ultimately decide to R or D it's messy and will impact you for years (although less as time goes on).

Why would she still be in contact?

1 - she's a wreck, scared of D, and needs someone to talk to that doesn't judge her (get her into IC asap)

2 - she's still in the fog and thinks they can remain friends or feels an obligation to help him

3 - the OM is her plan F in case you divorce. He's not even a plan B to her

4 - the affair was an exit affair. IMO unlikely.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8671466
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clouds777 ( Member #72442) posted at 1:03 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

I'm sorry she is treating you this way.

One positive is that she has kicked you off the fence. You were unsure if divorce was the right decision and now she has made it clear that it is the only decision you can make. She saw how she hurt you and she kept doing it anyway. It's sadly so predictable.

She is selfish and broken and you will begin to feel better as soon as you can detatch from her.

Do not reveal how you know. Perhaps insist that she find a job. If she is truly remorseful, she can make the divorce easy and favorable to you. If she is truly remorseful, she should not expect alimony after what she's done to your family. So don't listen to the crocodile tears that are for her and the discomfort she will face. Those tears aren't for your pain. Watch her actions - if she fights you and makes divorce difficult, she isn't remorseful.

posts: 127   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8671467
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:30 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

How often and how long did they text during each contact?

It may help you to read up on/google 'limerence'.

Overnight by Amazon. By now she should have provided the timeline and be in possession of the books: "Not Just Friends" and "How to help your spouse heal..."

Neither book is a difficult read. She can speed read them both in one day and learn enough to explain to you:

- how resuming (or staying) in contact with an Ex escalated to adultery

- what she can do (her plan not yours) to protect her marriage going forward (and not just with the OM or Exs).

Finally, something you two need to discuss and recognize:

Human beings are hardwired to bond emotionally and physically with others (especially Exs). She's no exception. The cheater dishonor roll is full of people that thought of themselves as 'good' people and never intended to commit adultery.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 7:40 AM, July 1st (Thursday)]

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8671472
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 3:08 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

Do not let her know you can monitor her texts and/or calls. This is valuable intelligence.

^^^This.

Valuable and possibly life-saving. I know that sounds crime TV movie-ish, but the fact that she's so "hysterical" with you about you divorcing her but she's "comforting" OM re his D (is he "comforting" her about her impending D as well?) is very concerning. They are looking at you as the problem and may consider ridding themselves of said problem.

Stay alert and never reveal your sources.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8628   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8671500
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WontBeFooledAgai ( Member #72671) posted at 6:34 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Your WW's behavior is the worst, in that it sucks back too many people in. She sounded so sincere in her desire to fix things! And now, this.

I do hope you are proceeding through D.

posts: 289   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8672002
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 6:43 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

We were supposed to have a talk about the affair this coming weekend. I have given her a chance to make it right only to find out that she is still in contact with AP. Despite my brawl with him last week and her begging and promises upon d-day, she is still talking to him and comforting him with his divorce. She is still keeping him at bay. She thinks she has me fooled. She doesn't know I have access to her phone and not only her texts.

Nothing unusual. Sorry man but she is a typical lying cheater. Nothing special. They are a dime a dozen. The affair is ongoing even after all the bullshit you went through.

What is there to talk about?

I wouldn’t say another word. File and get yourself out of the nightmare of infidelity.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8672005
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 6:50 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

She is still in a mindset of having the safety of a good husband at home, and a love story on the side.

One would have thought that the confrontation at your house would have waken her up. Some waywards never get it.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8672008
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 7:35 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

You are in the very early stages of recovery.

As disappointing as her behavior is, it's not unusual and it's not conclusive. Some waywards go months/years before waking up (and some never do).

She could wake up tomorrow and vomit at the thought or sight of the OM; and her betrayal of her husband. Which, among other things, is what she should be doing if she becomes eligible for R.

It's a messy painful long process under the best of circumstances. Fortunately, you filed for divorce and if you don't observe her changing course soon then the divorce process will soon become final.

Finally, when you have the discussion about continued contact with the OM, you should further emphasize that it's not just the sex that killed the marriage.

Rather it's also the failure to rebuild the trust she destroyed. Kisses, hugs, dressing sexy etc for you does not rebuild trust.

Rebuilding trust starts with her keeping her promise to go NC - and being able to prove it to you. Emphasize that every contact (for any reason) she has with the OM pushes her husband further away - and towards divorce.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 1:38 PM, July 2nd (Friday)]

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8672021
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 7:36 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

We were supposed to have a talk about the affair this coming weekend. I have given her a chance to make it right only to find out that she is still in contact with AP. Despite my brawl with him last week and her begging and promises upon d-day, she is still talking to him and comforting him with his divorce. She is still keeping him at bay. She thinks she has me fooled. She doesn't know I have access to her phone and not only her texts.

I feel like a b-grade consolation prize. I guess were pushing through a divorce.

Based on your original post when you said you'd prefer R if possible, that you've got four littles, and still feel like you love your WW... I'd say confront her. Ask her if she's been in contact. When she lies, ask her again. If she continues to lie, tell her that you know she's lying. Ask her if she wants a divorce. Tell her that you're done listening to her lies and that she needs to tell you about that contact. When she asks how you know, tell her it's not important. What's important is that she learn to STOP telling you lies.

I know you feel really defeated right now, but broken contact is common. It's almost ubiquitous. The WS promises to break all contact, maybe even shows you their NC text message, and next thing you know, you've caught them again. It IS serious. I won't kid you about that. But it's not undefeatable. I don't think you're going to be losing anything by confronting. Just keep your means to yourself, particularly if it wouldn't look good in front of a judge.

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8672022
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 7:53 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

She's still deep in the affair fog. Truth has already been said to her i.e. AP has other affairs and she's just one of the many girls. She still doesn't want to let go of him. That's on her, you gave her the chance, she didn't treasure it.

All the best!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8672026
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jinkazama ( Member #61319) posted at 10:26 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Its time to expose her

posts: 265   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2017
id 8672066
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 11:53 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Push through with your divorce. You have nothing to work with on your WW. She's comforting another man going through divorce b/c she hopes that once he's done, she will take his wife's place.

That is a clear sign of where he heads at right now. How can you even work with that. SHe should be comforting you right now, instead she dropped you for dead. That's an enemy, not a spouse worthy of R.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8672085
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