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Just Found Out :
Feeling defeated


 ASoreLoser (original poster new member #78968) posted at 1:43 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

I've been lurking on this site for months now.

About 2 and a half months ago I discovered my wife's affair. And to this day, I still haven't confronted her and I'm tired of this charade. Tired of pretending I don't know what's happening when I'm not in the same room with her. We have four kids ranging from ages 6-2. I have all my ducks in a row, and my lawyer says I can confront her now. I have proof of her infidelity documented, closed our savings account, divorce papers ready, an apartment that I will be moving into, and have just updated my will. Now that everything is set, a part of me feels guilty that I haven't even tried to hear her out and another part of me thinks that it wouldn't matter.

I'm afraid that I might regret this. I'm afraid of the blowout. I'm afraid because I'm still in love with her and maybe this is too cruel. I have never seen this side of me that is too rational and too quick to say "fuck this shit, I'm out". I don't know if I want to fight for us. I have both feet out the door but I still want to go inside.

Tomorrow, I'll confront her with my friend. He will serve her and also be a witness then arrange for me to move out. This is the hardest decision that I will make my entire life! It'll affect our 4 kids and 6 lives (or more). I hate that she had put me in this position.

I guess the reason I made this post is should I hear her out or do the 180 and ignore her attempts of explanation? Will it just cause me more unnecessary pain?

I want our marriage. I want our family. I wanted her then but I don't want her now and I'm at a Mexican standoff. Who's been here before? Help!

[This message edited by ASoreLoser at 7:47 AM, June 19th (Saturday)]

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2021
id 8668359

cf2018 ( member #70204) posted at 1:54 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

Only you can know if this is a deal breaker. Based on your state of readiness, you could reasonably think that it is a deal breaker for you. Even in your current plan, there are opportunities to pause the progression of the divorce if you choose to. Everything will depend on her reaction and her actions after confrontation.

posts: 70   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2019
id 8668360

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 2:20 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

Living in fear will just get you more of what you’ve been getting.

Download and read “ No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf and short. It’ll only work if you fully apply it.

If you have to fight for a marriage you don’t have one.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:21 AM, June 19th (Saturday)]

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8668367

longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 2:26 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

You are in mourning for what you thought you had and for the pain your kids will have. This is normal. It sounds like you are doing what you need.

After you have her served, things could go in any direction so read the advice here in the healing library and you will have strategies to cope with what is next.

posts: 1060   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8668369

fareast ( member #61555) posted at 2:29 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

There is a saying here:

“Sometimes you have to risk losing your M, to have any chance to save it.” Only you know if the disrespect and the betrayal are a dealbreaker for you. I would follow through with having her served. If she really wants to save her M and takes actions to convince you that she is worthy of a chance to rebuild a new M, you can always stop the D process. Don’t beg or do the pick me dance. In many confrontations the BS only receives lies, blame shifting, and minimization. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2797   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8668371

Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:35 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

I know it's painful to talk about it but generally, the more information you provide the more targeted (useful) the advice at every stage (including the confrontation).

For example:

how long has the affair been going on, describe your your wife, who is the OM (X bf, do you know him, is he married), how did they meet, how did they communicate, did she lie to your face, ... (just to name a few things)

How long does a divorce take in your state?

Is divorce grounds for divorce in your state?

Can you sue the OM for alienation of affection?

What proof do you have?

What's your plan for exposure (family, church, employer)?

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8668373

Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:42 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

I'm sorry you're here. You are not the first person to walk this path and you will receive practical advice on this forum.

Google PTSD. That's what you're experiencing a major trauma. Become familiar with the stages (as they recycle). It helps to recognize what stage you're in (particularly denial).

You will be on a roller coaster of emotions throughout the day (from love, hate, anger, despair). Even feeling sorry for the WW.

I suggest you see your doctor today and get help for sleeping and anxiety. Your story is familiar to doctors and they can help.

This may not apply to you. Because of the roller coaster (and a natural tendency to agree to R too soon) and it's frequently recommended to inform the cheater that although you are inclined towards D will give yourself 45 days before making a final decision (extend as necessary).

And in the interim she has an opportunity to prove she deserves a second chance.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:42 AM, June 19th (Saturday)]

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8668376

Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:49 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

When you confront. Be sure you have a VAR with you to record everything.

Also carry a VAR on you from now on in case she tries to accuse you of domestic violence.

When you confront, if you have reason to believe she will collapse or hurt herself, is there someone you can call to stay with her and the kids?

Alternatively, you can ask her to move out immediately (reserve a hotel room for a week) until things cool down.

Finally, another option is to not confront but just serve the divorce papers (and go dark for a week).

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8668378

Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 2:54 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

If she truly wants R, and if she is a person who is capable of doing the work for R, you'll know. She will follow you and fight for you.

There are countless threads here where the BS "fights" for the marriage, only to realize he has been shadow boxing the whole time. The "fight" only works if it's initiated by the WS.

It might be cathartic and helpful for you to post your story of how and what you've discovered, etc. Follow it up with posts describing your WW's behavior when she is served. There is a ton of crowd-sourced, first-hand experience here with infidelity. Details matter. We are a good source of anonymous advice.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8668380

rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 3:25 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

You are armed for bear. You're definitely ready.

When you started out, this all began as a deal breaker. You are reluctant to end everything as you've gone along. That is completely understandable.

If it is really is a dealbreaker, stay grey faced and walk away. Be good to your children no matter how it ends.

Never mind the lies, denial, minimizing, gaslighting and all that usual crap you'll get from her when you confront her. They all do that. Go hard 180 on her (

Watch her and see if she is remorseful because of what she's done. Be ready to walk, definitely. Don't get taken in by unlimited sex bombing. If your WW really wants to save this M on your terms, that will be obvious from her behavior. Be careful of falling for tears. All these women are ready to launch that trick all the time.

Good Luck.

[This message edited by rugswept at 9:26 AM, June 19th (Saturday)]

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 957   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8668382

elKAPPYtan ( member #72085) posted at 3:46 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

Really sorry you are here.

Certainly normal to feel apprehensive, this shit is painful and confusing.

To be completely honest, the prospects for reconciliation are never good. Can marriage heal and become better? Some say it's possible. There doesn't seem to be a lot of evidence of it tho, and it would require you to eat a massive shit sandwich for years and years.

Imo, cheating seems to be a deal breaker for you. Remember that she sucks, remind yourself the level of deception she had engaged it, the lying the gaslighting, how she didn't think twice about betraying you in the worst possible way.

You are having more second thoughts than she had when she chose screwing around over your feelings; over her commitment she made to you.

If you want to consider Reconciliation, my personal recommendation is to go through with your plan, and see how fair she is in divorce negotiations, how she co-parents the kids. How she accepts the natural consequences of her actions. Will she be remorseful she hurt you, or sorry she got caught? Some cheaters can fake remorse, but they can't sustain it.

[This message edited by elKAPPYtan at 9:48 AM, June 19th (Saturday)]

Me: 36WW: 36DDay: Oct 3rd 2019

"You keep it in between the pages of the books you burn so no one gets to read" -Corey MF Taylor

posts: 158   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019   ·   location: MI
id 8668387

 ASoreLoser (original poster new member #78968) posted at 3:48 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

I'll tell the whole story tomorrow as well as the update

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2021
id 8668389

Mene ( member #64377) posted at 3:52 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

Stand up. Steel yourself. This will be the biggest battle of your life. Nothing will ever be as bruising as this in your life.

Take note of what people here write. Collectively hundreds if not 1000s of years of experience in confronting infidelity.

We are here to help.

[This message edited by Mene at 9:53 AM, June 19th (Saturday)]

Life wasn’t meant to be fair...

posts: 826   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2018   ·   location: Cyberland
id 8668390

sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:44 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

It's best, IMO, to consider all options before taking actions. Ready/aim/fire is a whole lot better than ready/fire.

You look like you reacted to your W's A. It's much better, IMO, to focus on what you want.

If your W is remorseful and willing to do the necessary work, would you want R? R is eminently doable and rewarding if both partners do the work.

Is D best for you, or is it an act of running away from a problem?

Has your lack of confrontation come from fear?

What do you want?


Like you, most of us love our WSes. It's not enough to keep a marriage healthy.


I don't have any advice for you except: start with what you want.

Maybe your 2nd thoughts mean that you really want R. Maybe they're fear of the unknown. You know which.

IMO, your best bet is to confront, see how your W responds, and craft your response to her accordingly. Maybe R is possible with her, maybe not. Maybe you want R, maybe you don't.


By now you've probably had your confrontation. How did it go?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26037   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8668404

ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 6:37 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

I guess the reason I made this post is should I hear her out or do the 180 and ignore her attempts of explanation?

Typically, on exposure, you get blame shifting (our marriage was not good for a while, you don’t pay attention to me etc…), minimizing (it was only a kiss, I never slept with him, I had sex but I hated it. It was only sex, I don’t love him….).

They don’t become R candidate 15 seconds after exposure.

Don’t accept any blame. It was her decision. She’s the one who broke the family not you.

After a while, she might come around and take responsibility . Only then can you start a meaningful conversation.

You can start the D process and stop later on if she shows full remorse and you are inclined to start R.

The most important part if for you to get out of infidelity.

Also, inform the OBS.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 12:38 PM, June 19th (Saturday)]

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1438   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8668408

src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 7:33 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

I am deeply sorry you have found yourself in this position. As others have said, you can pause the divorce proceedings if she is sufficiently remorseful and truly wishes to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. But do you really want that? Better think long and hard before you recommit to it. You will have time to figure that out as the divorce process proceeds. Good luck in this heart-wrenching journey many of us have been on.

posts: 417   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8668412

HappilyMarried1 ( member #77296) posted at 8:16 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

So sorry to hear of you having your wife betray you @ASoreLoser.

I hope your 4 kids are young enough not to be to crushed by this confrontation especially with tomorrow being Father's Day. Best of luck! I know it will be one of the worst days of your life.

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2021
id 8668418

Happenedtome2 ( member #68906) posted at 8:50 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

I'm sorry to see you here, but I have to say you may be the most "ready" BH I have ever seen.

Keep in mind that anything can happen once WS is served. She may come clean (probably not) and you may be able to salvage your M...or you may just keep moving forward with D.

By all means, her her out, but it doesn't mean you have to believe her or take blame. Many wise people here have told me that problems WITHIN a marriage are 50/50. Once someone goes outside the marriage only the person who strays is to blame.

Keep a VAR on you even though you'll have a witness. Cheaters are liars and they'll lie like crazy to make themselves look like the victim.

DDay August 2018
Current situation : Still married, great at times, uneasy at others.
My original post :

posts: 451   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2018
id 8668421

BindassBP ( member #75283) posted at 9:50 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

I am sorry you are here but you need to get some facts straight.

I'm afraid because I'm still in love with her and maybe this is too cruel.

You are in love with what she was, not with what she is. And what would you expect when you cheat on your spouse; a thumbs up?? No you are not being cruel, you are being rational; looking after yourself while she is backstabbing you.

I don't know if I want to fight for us.

You need to understand there is no "us" anymore. The day she choose this path she conciously destroyed this "us". You cannot fight for your marriage single-handedly, you need two.

I have both feet out the door but I still want to go inside.

You cannot go back inside not knowing whats waiting for you. Maybe she also wants a divorce, maybe not only time will tell. So, no need to make any early assumtions. Only try to get your midnset to "my marriage is over" because it already is.

I want our marriage. I want our family. I wanted her then but I don't want her now and I'm at a Mexican standoff.

Until you confront her you will be in this rollercoster.

As for confrontation, stay calm & steady; don't talk too much; let her do the talking; just let her know you know a lot; don't tell her how much or how you know; don't tell her you want R ; keep a voice activated recorder ON(or mobile recording) for future reference or safety(e.g. in case of DV charges).

posts: 72   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2020
id 8668431

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 10:34 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

While you are taking direct action tomorrow, the ending of a relationship or the rebuilding of it, takes months and even years. So there is lots of time to sort out what you end up wanting to do.

Tomorrow tell her just enough to show you know everything. Then don’t do any more talking.

If it were me, I’d let her know that since she apparently wants another man, you are not going to stand in the way of her and her true love.

Mwatching what she does in the hours days weeks and months after that will make it clear if she’s even a candidate for reconciliation which will take a very long time to make happen. If she runs to him, you’ll know sooner and that will make your decision easier even though the D process can be heart wrenching.

If she immediately does the right things, goes no contact, admits all she did, and starts IC with an infidelity specialist right a way, then at least you know she’s serious about rebuilding what she destroyed. It will be your decision if it’s something g you even want to pursue.

So keep it simple tomorrow. “You cheated, I’m divorcing you, I will work to be the best coparent I can be, hope you can agree to do the same. You want another man, I won’t stand in your way”.

There is lots of time for talk down the road if you want it.

Lastly, I assume the papers say if you move out you don’t give up any parental rights. Your lawyer should have discussed abandonment with you and worked to ensure you can’t be accused of it.

Take care.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3176   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8668433
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