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How far would you go?

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Charlie99 posted 6/12/2021 08:19 AM

I found out 2 months ago that my husband has been meeting up during the course of his work day with a female colleague for regular coffees. This in itself doesnít concern me, the flirty texts and not hearing her name mentioned once in passing does though.

I may have access to his phone tonight and Iím debating changing her number in his phone to my work mobile phone that I deliberately have not mentioned to him. I only received on Friday.

Iím debating if this is too far though... heís been transparent about everything... but being my 2 nd time round on the infidelity bandwagon, itís the problem of not being able to verify anything.

Thinking about doing it makes me shake, because Iíve never been deceitful. But this is one of the only ways I can think of for sure to confirm if itís nothing or not.

Cooley2here posted 6/12/2021 08:31 AM

Flirty texts? Nuh uh. Nope. Nada. Go look. Once burned twice shy. If you find nothing say nothing. If you find something ask if he is interested in staying married because you are not going to be a policeman in your marriage. You have rights. Your home, your marriage, should be havens for you, not places of misery.

annb posted 6/12/2021 09:05 AM

Hi, Charlie, based on your husband's past infidelity, he should never be one on one with any female again. IMO. Was his affair in the workplace?

He should understand boundaries.

I'd go into investigative mode in a nano second.

The1stWife posted 6/12/2021 12:26 PM

Did he provide this info to you openly and honestly from the beginning? Or did you find out AFTER the meet ups had been going on for some time?

Flirty texts? Unacceptable.

Not hearing her name? Lack of transparency at a minimum.

I would do exactly what you plan to do - heís not been honest Or forthcoming with you therefore you need to obtain the info via what ever means necessary.

Your H doesnít get it (sorry to say).

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:26 PM, June 12th (Saturday)]

Robert22205https posted 6/12/2021 12:40 PM

Is the OW married or in a relationship?

You are not over reacting.
IMO you need to react very strongly.
He needs a kick in the butt.

Flirty texts is evidence that they are not just friends.

With his past infidelity, he should know better than do anything that even has a hint of secrecy or flirting - or makes you feel uncomfortable.

If you have proof, notify her husband/BF without warning your husband. Then immediately confront your husband. Blow up his little fantasy.

IMO, the consequences for him allowing their friendship to become flirty is zero contact with her forever.

If he argues the texts are innocent, would he mind if his Boss or HR saw them?

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 12:40 PM, June 12th (Saturday)]

jb3199 posted 6/12/2021 12:58 PM

With his past infidelity, he should know better than do anything that even has a hint of secrecy or flirting - or makes you feel uncomfortable.

The above says it all.

Charlie, you have to decide what is and is not acceptable. The one thing that I would say to you....looking from the outside in....is that he is not a safe partner. Where is his common sense after not one, but TWO rounds of infidelity? Why would he even think that it is okay to communicate by flirty texts with a female coworker? Why would he NOT let you know of these communications/lunches? Why would.....

I believe that you already know these answers. If you have to 'catch' him in another bout of inappropriateness, you are going to have to ask yourself if you are willing to do this for the rest of your relationship. Because, unfortunately, this is the trend that he is setting.

rugswept posted 6/12/2021 13:00 PM

It wasn't clear if "2nd" time around is with HIM or you had a WS before in another relationship.

If it was with HIM, stop, please, no more being nice. He lost that if this is his second time. If this is #2 for him, it's time to read him the riot act. For a two time loser, "flirty texts" are nearly enough justification to just end it.

No matter what "flirty texts".... time to stomp on that until it's dead no matter what.

NotInMyLife posted 6/12/2021 13:51 PM

.. heís been transparent about everything...
Get a yourself a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass today (It's available as a PDF on line) You read it first then give it to him and tell him that you think his work "friendship" is heading down the wrong road.

Charlie99 posted 6/12/2021 15:46 PM

Apologies all, I should have been clearer. This hubby didnít cheat on me. First husband did. I spent 5 years digging myself out of that rabbit hole. This is a second marriage for both of us.

Further complicating my thought process and trusting me gut is the relationship I had prior to this one who didnít cheat but kept another child secret for the 12 months we were together. I took a long time after that learning to trust myself again and reinforcing my boundaries about what I would accept from a partner. I also spent a long time working out if this man was worthy of my trust.

I just donít know if Iím heightened because of these past betrayals.

To clarify a few other things- she no longer works for the company.
-in Australia itís not as frowned upon to be in a relationship with a co worked as it is in the states. Especially if they are in the same role as you.
- all I have is her phone number, and managed to find her last name via a snap chat search. Her fb is locked down and from what I can tell from her messages to him, is a single mum. So no partner to inform.

The1stWife posted 6/12/2021 15:56 PM

Did he inform you about the coffee dates from the beginning ?

That is the biggest clue about his character.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:30 AM, June 13th (Sunday)]

Cooley2here posted 6/12/2021 16:01 PM

I still give the same advice. You need to know. Period. He should understand exactly how triggered you are. None of us should be quiet. I was. I will never know how many ONS he had when we were much younger. I have tried all our marriage to be thoughtful of him. Obviously he didnít feel the same way. The pain is long gone but I still know he cheated.

Itís your right as his spouse to know what he is doing. He should not be spending money foolishly, gambling, racing cars, stealing, or cheating. You have the right to know his behavior.

annb posted 6/12/2021 18:23 PM

-in Australia itís not as frowned upon to be in a relationship with a co worked as it is in the states. Especially if they are in the same role as you.

It's not really frowned upon here for colleagues who understand boundaries.

Flirting is stepping way over the line.

Bonetired posted 6/13/2021 05:25 AM

I understand your caution. Definitely go investigative mode. I don't know if I would make it obvious though because people who cheat find out and change up their patterns to hide it better. Those who believe they have done nothing wrong will blame you for reading the obvious signs that can lead to infidelity. Your senses to the behaviors that can lead to infidelity are heightened and it may be you understand better than your partner the behavioral patterns that can lead to it. He is opening a door wide and getting ready to choose to walk through that door. Maybe install an app on his phone instead to stealthily catch any communications the two may have. They have these and cleverly advertise them for parents with teens. How ever I am not sure about the legality of it in Australia. There are also VARs etc... I get the feeling he feels complimented by the attention and doesn't realize he is opening a door to infidelity. He will deny this unfortunately. It's like a drug addict or an alcoholic that thinks they have their vice under control thinking 'What will one drink hurt?' Only to find themselves crossing the line later regretting a decision they thought was harmless. He is getting what we call kibbles from this relationship. Nothing that is your fault I promise. You are wise to monitor this with him unaware for now because I suspect he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. Usually they don't until it happens and they are deep in the fog then they try to justify it in their mind. Good luck and keep us posted. Hugs for now.

Bonetired posted 6/13/2021 05:26 AM

Repeat

[This message edited by Bonetired at 5:27 AM, June 13th (Sunday)]

Notmine posted 6/13/2021 07:34 AM

Trust your gut. If this relationship makes you uncomfortable, you need to tell him and he needs to change his behavior. Honoring your feelings is part of his responsibility as a married person. I assume he knows that you were cheated on in your first marriage. Therefore, he should be understanding about your feelings. Catch this before it becomes an issue (if it hasn't already). Not Just Friends is a good idea. Knowledge is power. Keep screenshots of the texts as evidence in case he denies their flirtatious nature. If he has not mentioned this to you, it is a red flag. He is being secretive. Really, it does not matter if it is common in Australia. This is your relationship and you are entitled to create boundaries around what you will accept in your marriage. For me, this would be a HELLLLLLLL No.

The1stWife posted 6/13/2021 08:01 AM

My H had a 4 year EA that he denied and refused to end. In his mind no sex = no affair.

He did not believe he did anything wrong.

I hope you donít get the same response. It was very difficult to get him to admit anything and it wasnít until 15 years later did he admit he knew it was wrong /disrespectful /inappropriate.

JulyDD posted 6/13/2021 08:50 AM

Long before I found about my husband's affair, I was highly suspicious. I had a 15 minute period where I had access to his phone (we just weren't a couple who had each other's passcodes). I dearly wish I could have gone back and used that time wisely. I later learned he had her listed under "Potential Spam." Which explains why he went into a long (and unwarranted) explanation about "Gee, did you know that you can actually get Verizon to identify potential spam?" I was super trusting.

I say go for it and open as many messages (regardless of who they are from). I did go through his recently downloaded music and it was all super romantic and wistful. I knew something was up. And it was. I would go through pics too.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I was never a snooping spouse and that trusting version of myself got hosed.

Charlie99 posted 6/13/2021 13:42 PM

Thank you for all the replies.

Maybe install an app on his phone instead to stealthily catch any communications the two may have. They have these and cleverly advertise them for parents with teens.

It is illegal here, unless you own the phone, even then I think itís a grey area. As is using VAR.

He does know about my previous history with my ex, but he doesnít really know the lengths I went to confirm my suspicions with ex husband. He added me to the Ďfind my friendsí app a long time ago so that I always knew where he was, and so far nothing has ever made me worry. Even then I know itís easy to get a burner phone, but then why would he keep the texts on one of the location sharing phones and not send them on the burner?

I also have his iCloud passwords for his work phone but Iím reluctant to log into it and recover what I can in case he gets notified and thereís nothing there. If Iím not around him it makes me look suspicious.

Iíve set my boundaries firmly in place, which as a fellow infidelity survivor said is a bit ridiculous, because he knew my history and he should have assumed what they were. But it reinforced for him I have no hesitation in ending our very new marriage because of his actions.

Iíve been in IC for a long time to Ďprocessí my trust issues, and thought I may have been coming to the end of my time with it. I will never forgive my ex husband for taking away that basic ability to rationalise things can be rationalised, and my ability to believe without needing further evidence. In this case my gut is AWOL hence I donít know if I am picking up on there being something more or itís past trauma.

Thanks for reading my early morning brain dump. I donít want to Ďpoliceí my husband if it is just text messages and itís Ďdoneí, however, I feel it would be irresponsible not to.

ShutterHappy posted 6/13/2021 16:46 PM

What are the flirty messages? And who is sending them?

Is he still meeting her now that she no longer works there?

Charlie99 posted 6/13/2021 20:05 PM

The flirty messages had lots of Ďbabeí and arranging coffee meet ups, depending on which store they were at.

As far as I can tell, they havenít met up since March, and Iíve accessed his call and text logs, so tomorrow when Iím alone Iím intending to do a bit of a match up session with the texts I have screen shots of. However, I canít track WhatsApp messages from there. Apart from data dumping his phone to recover deleted items Iím at a loss of what else to do....

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