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wh said the obs was trying to ruin our marriage...

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wiltedheart posted 6/5/2021 18:16 PM

I’ve been lurking for a while and this site has been extremely helpful so I thought I would finally post.

DDay 1 was about a year ago. I found out because the AP’s ex-fiancé told her she had to confess everything and apologise to me if she wanted him to consider reconciliation. They never showed me any proof, so I let WH convince me they were lying. I started noticing the red flags and he was treating me terribly, so I eventually contacted the OBS because I felt like I was going insane. The OBS showed me all of the proof he had and he had a lot.

WH and I separated for 6 months. During that time the OBS and I became friends. He actually helped me get a lot of free legal advice because his friend is a lawyer and he recommended me for a really good job at his mother’s company.

Then there was an incident with my stepdaughter, and I chose to go home to take care of her. My WH convinced me he was remorseful, and that the affair was over and had been since I found out. He gave me just enough to make me think R was possible.

He started becoming incredibly paranoid a month after I moved home. It seemed to come out of nowhere. He snooped through my phone one night and he saw some messages from early into our separation between the OBS and me. He flipped and accused me of sleeping with the OBS and wouldn’t listen when I told him nothing happened.

I should’ve known WH never broke contact with the AP because shortly after he found the messages between OBS and me she started harassing me like crazy but I really wanted to believe we could R.

DDay 2 happened 2 weeks ago. The OBS came to my workplace because he had been trying to contact me with no response (WH blocked him without me knowing). He told me the AP had sent him a video of her and my WH because she was angry that he was talking to me and because he wouldn’t give her a second chance. He refused to show me the video because it was graphic, and he thought it would be traumatising for me to see it. I confronted my WH and he broke down sobbing hysterically, he said he did it because he thought I had feelings for the OBS and that I would eventually leave him anyway. He said in one of the messages I sent the OBS that it made it seem like I wanted the type of life the OBS gave the AP and that I was no longer satisfied with him/our life. He has been begging me to give him another chance and has started looking for MC, he removed the password from his phone, sent the AP a NC letter, all without me asking him to.

I haven’t committed to R yet because my stepdaughter is still going through a lot right now and I think the focus needs to be on her right now.

I’m still friends with the OBS and he said he could get his friend to represent me for free if I wanted to file and if I needed a place to stay I could stay with him or he could help me find somewhere else. My WS saw the message and was very upset over it. He thinks the OBS has some sort of ulterior motive besides being a good friend because “no man does all of that for a woman without expecting sex in return”. He asked me to stop talking to the OBS because "he was trying to ruin our marriage". Normally, I would but because the OBS has now exposed the affair twice I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to cut contact.

Is his request reasonable?

faithfulman posted 6/5/2021 18:42 PM

Your cheating, lying, and disloyal husband is not wrapped too tight. He seems unstable and only seems to care about what he feels and what "happens to him".

He's lied to you non-stop and even made porn with this nasty skank he's been screwing.

I'll let you decide whether it is wise to keep this man in you and your daughter's life.

***

I think your cheating husband may be right that the other betrayed spouse wants to fuck you. He's offered for you to stay with.him etc.

If a man is taking so much interest in you, that he is offering you a bed, he probably wants a physical relationship.

Having said that, the other betrayed spouse may be trying to exact some measure of revenge by having sex with you, but the "ruining of your marriage" is 100% on your husband.

That he thinks the marriage is not already ruined proves he is delusional.

So, you're a grown woman. If you want to leave your husband, whoever you want to date or have sex with is your choice and none of his beeswax.

Freeme posted 6/5/2021 18:56 PM

I can't tell you if the OBS is pushing for more than friendship. Have you noticed any signs of this? Could helping you be healing for him? His way of getting back at what both of your partners did? His help does seem to go above and beyound what most would do. Do you have any idea of his motives?

That said if it feels innocent to you I'd keep the the friendship. There is a chance that your WH hates the OBS. The OBS outed the affair to you. The OBS has been keeping you updated each time your WS has lied about NC. Your husband blocked him from contacting you without saying anything. There is a good chance your husband doesn't want the OBS to have contact with you because he is keeping you informed on his ongoing affair. Everytime your WH tells you the affair is over the OBS has proof they they are still meeting up... I doubt he likes that.

BlueRaspberry posted 6/5/2021 18:59 PM

wiltedheart,

No. The request is NOT reasonable. The OBS has exposed your husband's infidelity twice. I would maintain contact just for the additional intelligence. Remember, you haven't done anything wrong. You separated for six months and after you return for a month (presumably to reconcile) he cheats again.

he broke down sobbing hysterically, he said he did it because he thought I had feelings for the OBS and that I would eventually leave him anyway
At a minimum, your husband needs to start going to IC, not MC, to determine why he cheated and how to prevent it in the future. The marriage didn't cause him to cheat, his lack of character and poor choices did. He needs to fix that first and foremost.

Only you can decide whether you want to reconcile or if his erratic behavior and continued cheating is a dealbreaker.

jb3199 posted 6/5/2021 19:34 PM

Is his request reasonable?

Not.At.All. What's your opinion?

Your husband is selfish, and full of crap. Seriously, his excuse to continue cheating is because he thinks that you will leave him anyway? So, his continued affair is kind of like a 'first strike' in his mind....because after all, you are going to leave anyway. Let's not try to work on the relationship; let's blow it out of the water. Does that really make sense to you?

How about this--he had an affair because he is a self-entitled asshole. And he continued his affair because he is a self-entitled asshole. And his insane jealousy is because he is a self-entitled asshole. And his blocking YOUR CONTACT for HIS AFFAIR is because he is a self-entitled.......you get the idea.

He has been begging me to give him another chance and has started looking for MC, he removed the password from his phone, sent the AP a NC letter, all without me asking him to.

Try not to read too much into this. First off, it is cheater SOP to do these bare minimum tasks. Second, this has NOTHING to do with MC; the only real issue that your marriage probably had was your partner's shitty boundaries and behaviors. Ask yourself this---why the effort now? Why not any real effort when you were separated? Answer--he didn't want to. He is fine with who he is----otherwise, wholesale efforts would have been made the FIRST time that he devastated you. He is not a safe partner, not by a longshot, and it would be in your best interests to protect yourself financially and emotionally.

PS--Tell your husband to go pound sand about the OBS. You can tell him outright that it really doesn't matter what his intentions are--YOU have sound boundaries, and adhere to them.

HellFire posted 6/5/2021 19:38 PM

First, he has some nerve. He fucks another woman,and blames her husband for trying to ruin his marriage?

Second, do not show your husband this site. I know you may be tempted to show him these responses, to validate how you feel, or to try to get through to him, but don't. This is your safe place. Do not bring your unremorseful WS to this site.

clouds777 posted 6/5/2021 20:31 PM

He is hurt by your relationship with OBS so he goes and hurts you extra because he can and then has the balls to blame you and expects you to take him back?!?!?!? He literally decides that you've hurt him with text messages so he is going to hurt you MORE by fucking the other woman. I don't think he could demonstrate any more clearly that he is not a candidate for R. He wants you to hurt and he thinks he should be spared all hurt and also forgiven simply because it's what he wants. He couldn't care less what you want or if you hurt.

Your WH is completely unremorseful and does not care how much he hurts you. He continues to prove this. Whatever OBS intentions are, he's done you a favor by showing you the truth about your husband.

MickeyBill2016 posted 6/5/2021 21:16 PM

Your WH sounds like a Scooby Doo villain..."And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids/other betrayed spouse"

Not sure what the OBS has in mind, could be he wants to help you, sleep with you (maybe as revenge to his WW and your WH), or he has is just a nice guy...


ChamomileTea posted 6/5/2021 21:49 PM

He thinks the OBS has some sort of ulterior motive besides being a good friend because “no man does all of that for a woman without expecting sex in return”.

The most obvious motive would be to make sure that you are aware of any further cheating, which he did. It probably doesn't hurt any that he's getting some schadenfreude on your WH either. The guy did help destroy his relationship. As far as "does he want to fuck you or not?, I'd like to think that people are of better character and then be proved wrong than to assume that just because the guy has a penis he wants to fuck everything he sees.
In any event, I do think it would be a mistake to block the OBS. His information has been useful to you. I would also accept pro bono legal aid from his friend if it's on offer, provided that the guy's legal practice was in family law. If not, I'd get a lawyer who routinely does divorces. I think that if you allowed the OBS to provide you with a place to stay though that it would perpetuate the idea in your WH's mind that you're involved with the OBS, so I would refrain from that. You don't want either man getting the wrong idea, right?

You know, you can still be there for your step-daughter without being trapped in an unhealthy marriage with an unrepentant cheater. And mind you, just because your WH is freaking out doesn't mean that he's actually remorseful. He certainly wasn't remorseful while he was luring you home and still having sex with his AP, then blocking your phone so the OBS wouldn't tell you. I don't know how you can avoid feeling doubly violated at this point. Personally, that would put it in the D column for me, that he could so easily lie to your face, to accuse you of what he himself was doing, to lie in wait like a snake for your phone to be unattended so he could make changes to its programming without you knowing. Who knows what else he did while he had it? Hell if I wouldn't reset it to factory though, just in case it's loaded with bugs and gps tracking. Then there's the issue that he only just now took the password off his phone. Is he in counseling? Has he identified and change the defects in his character which allowed cheating to be a valid choice in his decision tree? What exactly HAS he done to deserve a third chance?... because it sounds to me like he's shed some crocodile tears and blame-shifted his behavior to the AP.

You sound like a really nice person. Clearly, you can do better than your lying, cheating, sniveling WH. I think you should give some thought to it is all I'm saying. Healing from this kind of betrayal is typically two to five years. Your WH has reset the clock; selfishly, carelessly. You're not a bad person if you decide to walk away.


((hugs))

guvensiz posted 6/5/2021 22:03 PM

Your husband is a real piece of shit. We can't know what OBS's intentions are, but it's clear that it was your husband who destroyed your marriage.
Is your step daughter your husbands daughter? If so, it's your husband who should worry about her before you do.
The question at the end is a bit strange, isn't it? I guess your main question was whether you should stay in this marriage, to which the answer seems pretty obvious. You must get rid of your husband as soon as possible. Then you decide whether to continue communicating with OBS and type of your relationship. You say that you have been friends for about a year and it seems that he has never made a sexual request from you until now. This doesn't mean that he will not want it in the future, but at least it can be said that he doesn't see it as a priority.

Sharkman posted 6/5/2021 23:05 PM

You have nothing to work with here. Seeking the (free) council of a legal advisor seems like a complete nobrainer.

BindassBP posted 6/6/2021 03:19 AM

I think i understand where you are coming from.

wh said the obs was trying to ruin our marriage...

No. Your WH is delusional. It’s him who ruined the marriage; the OBS helped you gather yourself up and exposed their affair TWICE. A good friend would help you anyway they can; he did the same helping a betrayed friend.

And if OBS has any ulterior motive is not important. Because you are a grown woman who can set their own boundaries.

As HellFire said, not to show your WH this site. Because this is your safe space for advice/vent etc. and the AP is an entitled princess.

The1stWife posted 6/6/2021 05:22 AM

The next time your H says this you need to be ready with a reply.

A response that stops him from saying this again is necessary. Perhaps a response that sets the tone that you will not tolerate this situation any longer.

My H used to say to me that he cheated b/c “we were disconnected “. I told him that he may have felt that way but he had no right to project his feelings onto me and I never felt disconnected. And even if he did feel that way it was no reason to cheat.

I think you need to take back your power and control in your marriage and let your H know that HE was the only one destroying the M. And he should leave the OBS out of it b/c your relationship with anyone else has nothing to do with the fact that your H lied and cheated.

Robert22205https posted 6/6/2021 05:57 AM

Generally, the more info you provide the more targeted the advice.

Are you financially dependent on your husband?
How long have you been married?
How old is the step daughter?
What is her issue?
Where is her mother, aunts etc?

Anna123 posted 6/6/2021 07:51 AM

I confronted my WH and he broke down sobbing hysterically, he said he did it because he thought I had feelings for the OBS and that I would eventually leave him anyway. He said in one of the messages I sent the OBS that it made it seem like I wanted the type of life the OBS gave the AP and that I was no longer satisfied with him/our life. He has been begging me to give him another chance

Think about this. He lies and cheats as a reaction to worry over loosing you? Wouldn't the normal response be to ask what you need to be able to trust again, months of dedication to YOU, a million I'm sorrys, a show of respect---- ANYTHING other than MORE cheating and MORE lies. He is full full of shit and it's overflowing.

A discount lawyer! If he's good that is a great opportunity, you may want to offer to still pay for any of his assistants time, fees etc.

The other BS is probably off-balance just as you are. It is natural in the beginning to want to reach out for comfort, but it is not a good idea and people get hurt. Keep an appropriate distance but assuming he is on the up and up, you are on the 'same team' for now.

NO MC! Any marriage issue is a tiny drop in the bucket compared to his betrayal and disrespect. If you decide to endure this to see if he and yourself are candidates for R, he needs to overhaul his entire personality and outlook on what a relationship is, A long road ahead here.

By secretly blocking the OBS, he BLOCKED your source of the truth. This was very calculating. He had NO RIGHT to do that and shows a deviance that is pretty ugly.

Don't forget, this is round two for you. He already had his chance at R. Something has to be very different this time. I personally would divorce but everyone has their own path. One more thing, don't feel rushed. You can sit back with this a bit to get re-acclimated to the latest situation.

Also, mine tried the "I need to keep an eye on you" now move he was implying with his supposed worries over OBS messages. He is toying with you. The bull crap "poor me" trying to play on your sympathy of his worries over OBS, equating that with what he has done, infuriates me. Don't fall for it. This does not jibe with his sudden removal of password, NC etc. If you decide to give that a chance, make sure his ACTIONS match over the next few weeks/months. Words are a dime a dozen.

Take care, I am so sorry you have been dealt this.

[This message edited by Anna123 at 8:06 AM, June 6th (Sunday)]

wiltedheart posted 6/6/2021 09:35 AM

Thank you for all of the comments, it's really helpful seeing what everyone else thinks about the situation.

To answer some of the questions... I've never noticed any signs of the OBS wanting anything more than a friendship. I did ask him once why he was being so nice to me and he said he helps all of his friends. I do think part of him feels guilty about how DDay1 happened because he did say that he was selfish and he should've considered how I would feel having the AP just dump all of that on me out of nowhere.

I do think WH hates OBS. Not even because he exposed the affair but because the AP used to love comparing the two of them and she was never shy about letting WH know that the OBS would always come out on top for her. It used to really rile WH up judging by the texts I saw.

Also, I should've mentioned this in my first post but my WH did send the OBS several messages threatening him to stay away from me after he saw the recent text messages. The OBS sent him back a "no " and a message asking him if my WH was scared I would think the OBS was a better friend than WH. So even though I think the OBS is a nice person, he does seem to be enjoying taunting WH.


Are you financially dependent on your husband?
How long have you been married?
How old is the step daughter?
What is her issue?
Where is her mother, aunts etc?

Not anymore (I was during DDay1). We've been married 5 years and my stepdaughter is 11. She has bad anxiety/depression from living in an abusive household with her mother. Both sides of her family don't really take mental health seriously at all, neither does my WH so I feel like if I leave again, nobody will get her the help she needs.

[This message edited by wiltedheart at 9:37 AM, June 6th (Sunday)]

nekonamida posted 6/6/2021 09:51 AM

Both sides of her family don't really take mental health seriously at all, neither does my WH so I feel like if I leave again, nobody will get her the help she needs.

Who would stop you from giving her rides to therapy appointments and talking to her if you did leave? Would WH allow you to stay in her life even if you two weren't together? Does she have a phone so that you could talk to her without going through WH?

Notmine posted 6/6/2021 11:49 AM

Your husband should have no say in what you do to help yourself heal OR the friendships you developed while you were separated. He lost that right when he continuously lied, disrespected and abused you. He was out persuing a sexual relationship with someone else. How is it his business WHO you talked to? In addition, he thought he had the right to go into your phone and try to control your decisions/behavior? HELLLLLLLLL NO. Sounds like you need to implement some serious boundaries. HIS electronics need to be monitored. HE has proven that he cannot be trusted,

Your husband is transferring a lot of his dysfunctional behavior onto you and the OBS. Just because HE is a cheater and liar, does not mean that YOU are. His paranoia is HIS problem and is based on his self- centered perception that everyone else is as fucked up as he is. Just because HE wants to fuck everything that moves does not mean all other men want to do this. At any rate none of this is HIS BUSINESS until he shows you by consistent and long term actions that he is truly remorseful, which, TBH, I do not see. Has he made an appointment with an IC and has he attended the session? IC is really the only way that cheaters can become safe partners. If your husband does not work, and work HARD, on the reasons he thought cheating was acceptable, then I would leave him alone. The crying and bullshit posturing about his "remorse" mean nothing. He is a chronic liar. My husband's counselor told me not to believe anything my husband said, that it would take a year of counseling before he could begin to be trustworthy. He was right on the money.

You are a blessing to your stepdaughter, whose issues your husband did not even think about when he was fucking up her life. She had one stable parent, WTF? Obviously the needs of "Number 1" came before anyone else, even his own child.

Cheaters engage in patterns of behavior. Your husband is in CYA mode. He is not remorseful, he is REGRETFUL that he got caught. If he was truly remorseful, he would put his family's needs first and engage is the actions necessary to become a better human. This guy is running around doing damage control. NOT R material.

Regarding the OBS, I would not cut contact. He has proven himself a good source of information and support. If your husband was truly remorseful, he would appreciate the support this man has given you to make him (your husband) accountable and trust YOU to make decisions for YOURSELF. Maybe the OBS IS interested in a relationship with you, but that is for YOU to negotiate. Again, your husband has most his right to an opinion, considering his own behavior.

Lastly, the OBS has proven himself a person with integrity. Maybe he IS the better choice for a relationship, just saying. I would not agree to stay with him, as this would complicate your life a LOT, but I would consider speaking with his lawyer friend. As previously stated, I would make sure this lawyer specializes in divorce so that they can appropriately advise you.

stubbornft posted 6/6/2021 17:53 PM

The OBS sent him back a "no "

I f-ing LOVE OBS

Is his request reasonable?

NOPE


First, he has some nerve. He fucks another woman,and blames her husband for trying to ruin his marriage?

Second, do not show your husband this site. I know you may be tempted to show him these responses, to validate how you feel, or to try to get through to him, but don't. This is your safe place. Do not bring your unremorseful WS to this site.

^^^^^^ AMEN - good advice. And yes, THE NERVE!!!!


stubbornft posted 6/6/2021 17:58 PM

We've been married 5 years and my stepdaughter is 11. She has bad anxiety/depression from living in an abusive household with her mother. Both sides of her family don't really take mental health seriously at all, neither does my WH so I feel like if I leave again, nobody will get her the help she needs.

I think you are a lovely person for helping her. Do you think you could start working on helping her learn to be her own advocate? Whether you and WH reconcile or not, it is good for her to learn. And maybe talk with her therapist about doing Zoom sessions in the future if she doesn't have a ride? Your husband sounds very manipulative, I am sure he enjoys the fact that you feel tied to him because you love his daughter. If his daughter knows that you guys are having a hard time, it might be proactive and soothing to her if you let her know that no matter what you love her and would like to have her in your life (if that is what you want, of course).

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