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Wife of 17 years has been having a multi-year affair

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longsadstory1952 posted 5/27/2021 19:10 PM

Yes Idaho is a one party consent state so carry a recorder.

If she has been stealing from the community to pay for sex that is something to shoot for in court. Also, the court may order her to pay your lawyer.

You aren’t contemplating staying with this person are you?

By the way, massage therapists require licensing and sex with a client is a career killer. When the time comes, know that.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 7:15 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

src9043 posted 5/27/2021 19:15 PM

My last point is for you to find out now if you live in a no-fault state. You can google that for an answer or you can wait until you speak to an attorney tomorrow. If you live in a no-fault state, don't waste your money on a P.I. Just confront her and get it over with. I would do it before her rendezvous tomorrow night but that is your call. Be calm, matter-of-fact, and do not accept any bull crap from her as to a denial or why she did it. I would do my best to mess up her planned fun tomorrow night. I can't imagine reconciling with this person, but if it does happen it should occur sometime during the divorce process. Stay strong and protect yourself.

longsadstory1952 posted 5/27/2021 19:18 PM

Yes Idaho is a no fault state but adultery can factor in on financial orders.

If you can get a PI in time, your wife has no way to call this a misunderstanding.

chepo1966 posted 5/27/2021 19:20 PM

I'm sorry for your situation, I think the first thing you have to do is know what you want, that's the most important thing, something that you don't regret anything, after the facts, if you think you can continue living, in this situation now that you are comfortable, or do you really prefer, to put your dignity and your values ​​before your children, as a rincial caregiver, will stay with you more than surely, if you stop your children, they will give you a nutritional encion for them and you, the only thing you will do the comfort of staying at home and that you will not be with a woman who fucks other guys,
That is why I recommend you to think well, do not miss what you decide, how important you can live with your decision, it is seen that you lack some character and have a very low self-esteem, you should work on it, maybe gather the maximum evidence , while you work on yourself and strengthen yourself as a man, before facing it, it would be a good option, before he decides to leave you. Or start to fuck another, collect money, get into a gym, that will help you mentally and physically, you will increase your self-esteem, and you will start to see things from another perspective, try to be indifferent with your wife, that will make you uncomfortable,
According to the decision you make, it is best to buy time, begin to reoccupation with yourself and your children.

src9043 posted 5/27/2021 19:22 PM

Yes, I spoke too soon. Adultery can still affect the rights of the participants in divorce proceedings in some no-fault states. If it does in your state, money on a P.I. for tomorrow night would probably be well spent. It is a golden opportunity to nail her ass.

[This message edited by src9043 at 7:24 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

Ariopolis posted 5/27/2021 19:33 PM

iceman, I am sorry you find yourself here. You must be in shock. After all, your whole world is changing right before your very eyes.

You've been told to do so many things, things that seem foreign to you and it seems you have to do them all at once.

The best thing is to slow down and make a plan. You are going to come to grips with and accept some awful truths. You will go back and forth and not know for certain what is the truth or what is the best path forward. It's hard to believe you are the same person you were last week. So take it slow and don't let on that you know. The stakes are incredibly high.

You understand intellectually it's better to slow down, conceal your anguish for a while in order to secure the most advantageous future for you and your children.

In discovery, your wife will have to turn over all financial information to your attorney. Attempting to hide such is perjury. (Remember, your wife is entitled to half of everything so don't move all the money out of any account.)
A forensic accountant is expensive, but might be necessary if she's been transferring marital assets to the AP for a long time. See what your attorney says.

Remember, that money belongs to your children.

Don't try to nice her back. Don't try to promise her money or things like forgiveness or a blank slate in return for ending the A. She does not care about you.

Don't believe a word of what she says. Cheaters lie. That's all they do is lie. Her lying face will look like just her truthful face. She will know what you want to hear. You, just wanting to end this horror, will believe her. Don't. She just wants to get out of her predicament.

Have a voice activated recorder on you if you and your wife start arguing. You can get a nice small Sony recorder at Best Buy for under $50. GPX has one for $24 at Best Buy.

You don't need any DV accusations. You have your kids to think about.

Above all, don't confront them together. Hang tough. Getting this right is more important than than anything else in your life at this time. You need to be brave for your kids now. You have to be strong, confident and calm if you do decide to R with her. Be strong. You can do this.

HouseOfPlane posted 5/27/2021 21:33 PM

Iceman, what do you want? At the moment, what is your desired end-state? Divorce? Reconciliation?

survrus posted 5/27/2021 22:02 PM


You wrote, he mentioned bringing $850. I had actually wondered about the male prostitute thing, but their texts sre talking about how they love each other and about our kids, who he apparently buys gifts for. He also thanks her alot for helping get his massage business going. Maybe he is financing it through prostitution. But they act like they are so id love.

Some men are very skilled at getting women to fall in love with them and then steal from them. It's a classic scheme and not much removed from pimping.

You can also bet he is with other women also, more women equals more money. Have the PI investigate him too.

survrus posted 5/27/2021 22:05 PM


One other point is that this OM is stealing money from your childrens future and endangering their wellbeing, so this is serious in a financial way as well.

Jameson1977 posted 5/28/2021 00:00 AM

I think you may be in to something survrus. You are right, there have been numerous posts here about how to get women to sleep with you. It’s a detailed account, step by step. As those posts say, it doesn’t work on every woman, but works enough. Basically get her to talk about her problems and be the exact opposite of the husband and work through the flow chart. Pretty sick and manipulative, but given your wife earns a good living, I wouldn’t be surprised that this guy is playing her and screwing her for $. And yes, if true, he probably has a few woman on the go.

I would try to get a detailed account of how much $ she’s given this guy, it might shock you and needs to stop ASAP.

Sceadugenga posted 5/28/2021 01:33 AM

I am going to tell you something that many on this site may disagree with, but stop being a stay-at-home dad. You need to work. Any stay-at-home spouse puts themselves in a precarious position by not working and establishing a career.

This is one of the cruelest things my (male) therapist said to me during one of our sessions: "What woman wants to be married to a cook, a cleaner and a child/pet minder?". I know he wasn't deliberately mean, but it was still a very bitter pill to swallow. Countless stories of househusbands betrayed and abandoned by their wives seem to lend credibility to the uncomfortable concept that men lose their status when they become "too domesticated".
BTW. I wasn't a househusband per se, but it's true that I'd taken upon myself the majority of household chores, combined with my job, while my SO was free to enjoy her newly found hobby with a newly found circle of friends. You can easily figure out how the story progressed from there.
OP, you've been given lots of useful advice - follow it to the letter, even if it seemingly makes no sense and looks counter-intuitive.
Stay strong and take good care of yourself.

RealityBlows posted 5/28/2021 02:35 AM

And before the age of SAHDs it was the SAHMs that were predominantly cheated on. I believe if your spouse is predisposed to cheat and has the opportunity, they're gonna cheat regardless of what you do, who you are, how you look, how loving and attentive you are, how good in bed you are. Ask Beyoncé, Seal, Justin Timberlake, most of the Kardashian girls, Jennifer Anniston, Hale Berry, Dennis Quaid, Colin Firth, etc.

Woman now have more opportunity to cheat than men, they're more independent, empowered, and less judged than they used to be.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 2:44 AM, May 28th (Friday)]

Sceadugenga posted 5/28/2021 02:45 AM

And before the age of SAHDs it was the SAHMs that were predominantly cheated on. I believe if your spouse is predisposed to cheat and has the opportunity, they're gonna cheat regardless of what you do, who you are, how you look, how loving and attentive you are, how good in bed you are.

Yeah, maybe it's a simple issue of potential and opportunities. Snowed under mundane life stuff you rarely have a chance to look your best, act your best, be cool, attractive and commingle with other cool and attractive folks.

Jambomo posted 5/28/2021 06:05 AM

I am going to tell you something that many on this site may disagree with, but stop being a stay-at-home dad. You need to work. Any stay-at-home spouse puts themselves in a precarious position by not working and establishing a career.

I do agree with this part. I think becoming dependent on anyone, particularly financially, is not a healthy state to be in because there may be a time when that person is not around (either because of infidelity, or they may die, become unable to work etc) to take care of you all and to get a job and survive is a lot harder without a work background. Everyone should retain some life independence, enough to be able to make it on their own if needs be.

homewrecked2011 posted 5/28/2021 06:57 AM

Adultery in my state and yours-,
The inclination to have an affair (the text messages)
The opportunity to have an affair (photos from a PI of her going to any private place and leaving an hour or so later. The PI will get photos of the OM leaving the hotel room.)

^^^this is what my atty told me, and I read online Idaho is the same.

But you’ll be able to go an extra step... you’ll be able to have the PI check up on the OM , possibly getting photos of him with the other people he hooks up with, to show your wife when you go scorched earth in her when you confront. But don’t confront it now!!! I filed for D secretly and turned the tables on my xh in an epic way. It basically told his sorry ass he wasn’t as smart as he thought he was. And this point you’ll know whether you want to go thru with the D or not. I got a D to protect the kids and I and I probably would have watched to see if he got help b4 I tried any reconciliation.

Don’t get a job yet, my atty told me not to until after the D.

elKAPPYtan posted 5/28/2021 07:12 AM

Iceman, how are you progressing? Some really good advice here, take a breath, and treat this like a business transaction. If you can, get out and take a morning walk, clear your head. Please eat a breakfast and drink lots of water. Hang in there brother.

Anna123 posted 5/28/2021 10:14 AM

Countless stories of househusbands betrayed and abandoned by their wives seem to lend credibility to the uncomfortable concept that men lose their status when they become "too domesticated".

And countless stories of the male breadwinner being cheated on by housewives. Cheaters come in all shapes and sizes, and so do BS's. That being said, there is a majority of women who are not attracted to a man that isn't solid in bringing in an income. It is just the reality of society. On the flip side I am sure there are plenty of loving families with this set-up where the bread-winning woman doesn't cheat.


I think becoming dependent on anyone, particularly financially, is not a healthy state to be in because there may be a time when that person is not around

In hindsight and practicality I have learned this lesson and agree. The point of all of these legal protections for the non-breadwinner written into law was the idea that a couple that marries is an equal team legally. The agreement traditionally was sound economically with a breadwinner and someone running the home and caring for the children. That person was equally protected under the law so that if the breadwinner decides to back out of the marriage, the other half of the partnership retains half of the assets PLUS will by law continue to be supported since giving up their chance to build a work background to support themselves. Now though, the non breadwinner is expected to at least earn minimum wage so being on the ready to support oneself makes even more sense, plus as mentioned, if the breadwinner becomes unable to support the family for some other reason. (This all leaves out the bread winner passing away, in which case life insurance would protect the non-working spouse).

CuriousObserver posted 5/28/2021 10:56 AM

How are you doing iceman? I am so sorry you are here. I'm sure last night was tough and it must feel impossible to not reveal yet what you know. Hang in there. You are so much stronger than you think you are.

Don’t get a job yet, my atty told me not to until after the D.

^^this^^ Finding a job now will impact your spousal support arrived at during the divorce. Wait on finding a job. This is something to discuss with your attorney. Filing for divorce is taking action on your own behalf. It is only starting the process and can be stopped later if you choose to.

When do you meet with the attorney? Contact some others in the near future for additional perspectives. Find a Bad Ass Attorney and don't be afraid to ask them if they are one. This is NOT about revenge. You are finding someone who will fiercely defend you from her, because in your current state of mind, sadly you are unable to defend yourself properly from HER. You might be amazed how vicious someone can become. Were you able to find a PI?

iceman1000000 posted 5/28/2021 12:01 PM


Thanks by the way to all the new people above who posted since I have been away. Hopefully i didnt miss any of your names.

And obviously thanks again to those that were already posting with me yesterday. You all really helped alot.

So I wanted to give an update. I found a PI yesterday that I was going to have take pictures today of them together. I lined up another attorney and have an STI test scheduled.

Before she got home last night I did some more research on finances. As stupid as is may sound, I literally have clue how much was in our accounts. I always trusted her with the money. She pays all the bills balences the checkbook etc.

After figuring out how to log in to the account I noticed a couple things that stood out. Two weeks ago she took out $6,000 in cash. And in December she cleared out our savings and took out a check for $155,000. At this point I was freaking out and got some pictures before she got home.

I did my best to hold it together for the rest of the evening until the kids were in bed. I thought I was in control until she started packing up her stuff for the next day. At that point I just blurted out "I know you are having an affair".

I gotta say, you all were spot on with alot of the the reactions that happened next. Getting all the advice was immensely helpful as I was able to stay much calmer.

Also after the advice yesterday I had gotten recording software setup on my phone.

So immediately after the accusation, I got my bearings together and started the conversation and started recording her.

She was appalled as soon as I accused her. She denied it and said how dare I make an accusation like that. So I said "who is eric then". She claimed she didn't know anybody with that name.

I didn't want to tell her what I knew so I told her I was going to ask again and if she still lied then the conversation was over. Well of course I asked again and she just lied and acted disgusted I would accuse her of that. How dare I blah blah etc etc.

So I told her if she had nothing to hide could I look on her phone. I assumed she would say no and be more upset, but instead she gave it up happily. She clearly thought she had been covering her tracks well.

Without showing her how, I pulled up the deleted text messages and read her some of the explicit ones. Suddenly her face got beet red and she was silent.

So I asked her again if she was having an affair and said yes. I asked if she was willing to talk about it and she agreed. So I told her I was going to ask the questions. I said that I already knew everything, so if at any point during the conversation she lied, that the marriage is automatically over and I would be serving her papers the next day.

She again agreed and so I asked her to describe everything in detail from the moment they met until now.

She said the affair has been going on for about 3 years. He was 27 when the met and 30 now. There is helpul person from here that verified that for me, so thank you for that, you know who you are.

Without boring you all with details, she basically told me he was a massage therapist, and she normally gets a girl, but that day he was available. She liked the masage and feeling she got when he touched her, so she kept going back to him until eventually he made a move and she reciprocated. From that point the affair turned into going to his house for the massage then sex.

He apparently does have a girlfriend who knew about my wife. Then have an open relationship so she was okay with it, even participating with them on occasion. She showed me texts from the girl as well.

I got her on tape admitting to having sex with him without protection.

I asked her if she ever cheated with anybody else during our marriage and she claims no.

She said has never told anyone about affair including the therapist. She said she was too ashamed and embarrassed to talk about it in her counseling sessions. She said none of her friends knew either.

I confronted her about the money. She said she did not pay him for sex. She used part of the money to pay for the massages everytime before they had sex. Part of the money she would use to buy things she didn't want me to know about like going out to eat etc. The rest she claims she has been putting away at her office. 

I asked her about the $6,000 she took out a couple weeks ago, she said she had it in her office as well. She likes to keep cash there in case something happens with COVID and she needs cash.

I didn't really buy that, so I asked about the $155,000 she cleared out of our savings. She said she moved it to our other account we hadn't been using because it has gets a better interest rate. 

I know about the other account and we haven't kept our money in there for a long time, but it is possible they have a better interest rate and she moved our saving there. So that may be valid. But I am going to contact the bank today to make sure.

She then backpeddles and admits she has been unhappy in the marriage for a long time and has been wanting to talk to me for the last few months about either making it better, or getting a divorce. She said in case we decided on the divorce and things got bad, she wanted the cash to hire a good lawyer.

I asked her of the kids were mine and said said she had no doubts they were. She said the times they had sex without protection were rare. That being said, I feel torn on getting a paternity test, because I don't know if I really want to know. Whether they are or aren't genetically won't change the way I feel about them. I plan on raising them regardless. But it definitely would hurt if they were his.

I asked about her feelings for the other guy. Him getting out kids gifts etc. She said they love each other but more on a caring level. She had no interest in making the relationship more with him, and had he no interest in becoming more serious either. He doesn't want to raise our kids. They both just supposedly liked the companionship and sex and they had already agreed that if I ever found out it would over. Apparently she told me he is a free sprit who moves around alot and is open sexually, thus the open relationship with his girlfriend.

I asked her if she planned on still seeing him again. She said no. She offered to text him and end things in front of me. I agreed, and she texted both he and the girlfriend. She told them I had found out and that it was over. They texted back saying she was a good mom and wished her the best.

I asked what she wanted to do about the marriage. She said she wanted it to either get drastically better or get a divorce. She thinks even if we get a divorce we should go to counseling together to help us heal for the kids.

I told her I don't know if I want to reconcile. She acted okay with that. Didn't try to beg or anything. 

She truly seems like she is okay if we get a divorce or okay if we stay together. She said ultimately she wants us both to be happy, and whether that is through divorce or reconciliation she is okay with either, if that leads to being happy.

We discussed assets and what a divorce would entail. We didnt really talk much about what happens if we reconcile.

I slept in the other room last night.

This morning she told me she contacted her therapist and is going in to talk with her about it. 

I asked if she was fine if I installed a tracking app on her phone. She said yes.

I wanted more proof about the cash as well, so I told her I wanted her to video call me as soon as she got in the parking lot of her office. I then wanted her to walk in and open the drawer showing me the cash to prove she still has the $6,000 as well as the leftover money from the affair. She agreed to do that as well and showed me the cash as well as the withdrawal slips.

Anyway sorry that got so lengthy but thats where things are now.

I feel torn on what to do. I alternate between hating her and immediately filing for divorce, to caring about her and possibly consider reconciling. If we didn't have kids I would probably go the divorce route for sure. But the kids add a layer of complication.

Either way I know it's tough to think clearly and make a rational decision with all that I just found out.

The fact they only would get together once every week or two or three does make me tend to believe it wasn't a deep connection like she said. I would assume if they were more serious she would be trying to spend any free time she had with him. But regardless that doesn't change that what she did was beyond wrong.

Finding out that the affair has been going on for 3 years makes me feel like an idiot for not realizing it was happening right in front of me for so long. She did a good job hiding it and I obviously was too trusting, but I am shocked I missed it.

Anyway sorry rambling again, but I wanted make sure I kept you all updated with what is happening. I also wanted to say thanks to everybody that has taken the time post. I wouldn't have been nearly as prepared without your help.

HouseOfPlane posted 5/28/2021 12:12 PM

Well...it sounds like it was a productive conversation. You caught her on her heels and she was forced to be honest.

She's got time now, to scheme, though. She'll likely be a different person in a week.

You said

I alternate between hating her and immediately filing for divorce, to caring about her and possibly consider reconciling.
I wanted to mention that caring about her and filing for divorce are in no way exclusive. A divorce (D) can be turned off at any time, and you can even remarry after the D. There are many good reasons to press for the D, including that you want to save the marriage.

Committing to R too early is never good, based on 1000s of 1000s of threads here.

Sending strength, Iceman!

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