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Wife of 17 years has been having a multi-year affair

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Booyah posted 5/27/2021 15:07 PM

You say you have taken pictures of her texts, Bank records etc.

Where is this evidence? On your phone?

Is this the only place you have it?

If so you NEED to get this evidence in a safer place. In a place where she could never find it. Can you send the evidence to a trusted friend or a family member for safe keeping?

Can you print it out and get these copies in a safe place?

Where I'm going with all of this is what if she finds your pics and destroys all the evidence you have?

Is your phone password protected?

Does she know your password or could she figure it out?

What if you confront her and she destroys your phone along with the evidence?

Do you have the info on your phone backed up?

Get all the evidence you have in a safer place. Not in your home. If you had an attorney you could given them it but you haven't done that yet.

You need to do this ASAP especially when you live in a state where infidelity can come into play in a divorce case.

DO NOT WAIT TO DO THIS!!!

Get the evidence you have in the hands of someone you trust ASAP!!

I also bet you could hire a PI in a few hours TODAY and give them the address of the hotel and they could get damning evidence TONIGHT!!

Butforthegrace posted 5/27/2021 15:10 PM

Do you think I should keep my cards close though and not reveal everything i know right away.

YES!!! Do NOT reveal what you know, nor how you know it. If she asks: "How do you know? Have you been snooping on my phone?"

Your answer: "We're not talking about that here. It's irrelevant. Do you deny that you're having an affair?"

If she does deny it, then you say: "As long as you insist on lying, we have nothing further to discuss. I will be taking steps to protect myself."

If you think you might consider R (reconciling) if she asks for this, there is a very good book, highly recommended here: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It's short, and inexpensive. Like $10 or less.

Among other things, step 1 is that she gives you a detailed written timeline of the A, which will be somewhat difficult given the duration of this A, although her planner/calendar entries should be of assistance.

The point is absolute, transparent honesty by her is the basic baby-step. Without that, R is impossible.

As others have said, when you confront her, you should expect her to blame-shift, minimize, deny, and outright lie. Look up "DARVO". It's step 1 in a cheater's vocabulary when confronted.

I see from another post that Idaho has a "for-fault" divorce option. I'd suggest you pursue that.

It is not unheard-of for a cheating wife, when confronted, to make a false report of domestic violence against her BH. This is why it is recommended that you record your conversation with her. Check with a lawyer. In most states, you can record a conversation that you are a party to. Just leave your phone in your pocket, on record.


[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 3:13 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

Mene posted 5/27/2021 15:26 PM

Just some observations:

Man up! I donít mean this disparagingly. You need to step up and be very, very strong. This is one of the worst things a person can go through. The pain hasnít even begun yet. Manning up means you will have to be super strong in your approach. She does not respect you. Donít beg. Donít play the pick me dance. Do not be intimidated by the AP. He should be afraid of you.

Get a job. Donít be a stay at home dad. While women say this is so cute, they donít have respect for stay at home dads. You need an income, a career. Because if you divorce no woman will be attracted to a dad who doesnít earn an income.

Donít be afraid of confronting her and the AP. You said you arenít a fighter. You donít have to be one. But you are a father and a protector. The AP and your wife are quite happy to blow your life and family up. Be angry. Let them know you will not be deceived and be disrespected. Donít throw any punches. But if the AP throws one you have every right to defend yourself. You shouldnít be the one afraid. He should be. Your wife will continue to disrespect you if you show any sense of weakness in front of the AP.

DNA your children. Your youngest was conceived the same time as the affair took place. And it may not be your wifeís first affair. It probably isnít. Her brazen approach suggests it isnít. Using a womanís name for the AP in her phone, suggests she knows how to play this sick game.

She runs her own account. WRONG. Never ever let a spouse keep from you what they do with their money. Tally the money you suspect she gave the AP. Tell her you expect her to recover it. This is family money. Money denied to you and the children.

It appears the AP sees your wife as the sugar mommy. She is delusional in believing or assuming that the AP will marry her. A 20 something dude is not going to marry a 40 plus married mother. Your wife must be an idiot to believe this will happen and that this would work out. She needs to see a real therapist. One that is going to wake her up.

You will work out what you have to do next and how you approach this. People here are good people. Who have gone through what you are going through now. Take in their advice. They are rarely wrong.

Whether you reconcile or divorce, hold your head up high. You did nothing wrong.

[This message edited by Mene at 3:37 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

iceman1000000 posted 5/27/2021 15:27 PM

ElKAPPYTAN
Beyondrage
Cooley
Juju
Booyah
Butforthegrace

Thanks for the responses. I think the decision to stay home with the kids was mutual. But true that could have been the start of things.

I did get in touch with a divorce lawyer who said they will try to fit in a consult today. Hopefully that happens.

If have to go the PI route, Im not gping to lie, the thought is gut wrenching. I know they have already been together for so long, but it is happening in real time is enough to make me throw up. But if the lawyer gets with me today and recommends it then I will try to do it.

Yeah also even if the kids were not genetically mine, I would fight with everything I have to keep them, because in my mind they are my children without question.

I have the evidence on my phone as well as the cloud, but I agree an offsite backup would be aditionally a great idea.

Thanks also for the book recomendation I will make sure I save that.

Marz posted 5/27/2021 15:32 PM

Put some thought into the attorney. If you donít like this one see another. It would be best to look at 3 unless you have a very good recommendations.

iceman1000000 posted 5/27/2021 15:39 PM

Mene
Thanks you I do need to man up as hard as that may be. The kids are my top priority. I meed to do whatever it takes. I agree about having them test. I also think I should probably get an STI test as was mentioned previously.

You are also correct in that this may not be her first time. She did cheat on me when we first got together years ago when we were in school. I found proof in her email and confronted her. She admitted it then we moved past it. But I always just chalked that up to the fact we were only stupid teenagers newly dating. But looking back on it now there is cleary a pattern. And maybe there were others.

Her mom actually did the exact same thing to her dad as a child. She left him for another man. Then she blew off the kids and he mainly raised them. She has since reconciled with her mom, but while I sm no therapist, I am sure on a psycological level that plays a part also.

iceman1000000 posted 5/27/2021 15:40 PM

Marz
Good call I will see who else I can find.

Marz posted 5/27/2021 15:41 PM

Right now you have been living in fear. Maybe afraid she might leave youÖ. Bud, she already left. She just didnít tell you.

If you let fear control and guide you youíll be dragged throughout the mire.

Once she finds out you know youíll probably get waterworks, tears, etc. They will be for her. Sheíll be sorry she got caught.

Itís sounds like from your posts she is an accomplished cheater and liar. You need to be fully awake at what youíre dealing with.

Marz posted 5/27/2021 15:46 PM

You are also correct in that this may not be her first time. She did cheat on me when we first got together years ago when we were in school. I found proof in her email and confronted her. She admitted it then we moved past it. But I always just chalked that up to the fact we were only stupid teenagers newly dating. But looking back on it now there is cleary a pattern. And maybe there were others.

Sorry man but you need to look up Serial Cheater. You may only know the tip of the iceberg.

I would not do anything unless I consulted a great attorney first. Sheís been cheating a long time. A few more days isnít going to change much.

You have compiled a lot and know more than most in your position. It is time to start moving on this.

Youíll never get to the end of this nightmare unless you start.

gmc94 posted 5/27/2021 15:50 PM

So sorry you are here.

First, ask the lawyer if Idaho is a ONE party consent state (I think it is), and if so, get the VAR ASAP.

I would not necessarily confront at the hotel, but getting a photo of her or her car in the parking lot may be helpful (again, the attorney can best advise you on the evidence needed to prove adultery in your state)

I would try and do a backup of her phone in addition to the screenshots you already have. There is software available to help with this (I've used the FoneLab to backup my IOS device, but there are other programs and others may weigh in on that). And then I'd put everything on a thumb or other device and leave it with a friend, family member, safety deposit box, etc.

Just the things that popped into my mind.
I'm so sorry you are here.


Stevesn posted 5/27/2021 15:52 PM

Do you have a friend who would support you that possibly could go snap some pictures of them at the hotel tonight?

RealityBlows posted 5/27/2021 15:58 PM

If you live in a state where proven adultery gives you an advantage, I'd hire a professional to gather court admissible evidence. You might be able to get a good referral for a PI from your attorney.

Attorney: Get one ASAP before you make another move. This is especially important in your case as your WW is actively diverting funds from the family coffers. An attorney can help you contain and recover lost funds. He can also help you get alimony-which you seem entitled, maximize your custody privileges and otherwise guide you safely out of this shit with the best outcome possible.

Do this before you ever consider reconciliation. Do this before you confront. You must first contain the ongoing damage to your family financials, stop any damage to children, protect yourself from psychological, financial and legal harm. A lawyer can help you with all this.

Your moves must be wise and well advised (lawyer), methodical, swift and decisive. Do not act impulsively. Keep the drama to a minimum. This is especially important for the kids. Have the AP investigated and determine if he has a criminal history.

The VAR advice you've received is gold.

Robert22205https posted 5/27/2021 15:59 PM

I understand that you plan to consult with your attorney and maybe collect more evidence before confronting. That's fine. I'll support you with any decision you make.

However, be aware that it's very common not to follow this plan - it's very difficult to control yourself. Often the betrayed spouse ends up confronting prematurely and - when, where, and in front of those you never anticipated.

All it takes is one word, situation, movie/tv scene (nobody knows what at this point) from her to trigger an outburst from you.

Therefore, prepare a plan B consisting of what you will say if you confront prematurely. Rehearse if you have to.

Also, when the confrontation starts do not let her derail the conversation with threats, outrage, or questions. The confrontation is your show. She has no right to your sources.

She will likely attempt to control the confrontation. Take charge and maintain control of the conversation by not responding to anything she says (postpone until you're done). Do not reveal your sources (it's part of taking charge plus it reduces a cheater's ability to lie or withhold information, including hidden assets).

If you absolutely have to respond to her, here's a very useful phrase that may apply: "I'm sorry you feel that way but .... (insert your response/decision,requirements etc)"



[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:01 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

Robert22205https posted 5/27/2021 16:05 PM

Since it's very difficult to postpone the confrontation, I suggest you see a doctor asap. Today/tonight is not too soon.

Tell him/her your story. They can help you avoid a confrontation by insuring you get enough sleep as well as deal with anxiety (and anger) for the next two weeks or longer.

iceman1000000 posted 5/27/2021 16:13 PM

Marz
You are right as much I hate to admit it, but yeah she certainly could be a serial cheater.

Gmc94
Thank you sorry but stupid question. What does VAR mean. I dint notice it on the abbreviation page at all.

Stevsn
Unfortunately not my friends live out of state, and I dont have any that could do it. I think it is actually tomorrow they are meeting.

Realityblows
Thank you good advice. Again sorry I cant seem to find out what VAR means.

Robert
Very good call. I am going to try my best to not confront yet but I agree with you I need a backup if I screw that up. I know its going to be hard to keep quiet.

iceman1000000 posted 5/27/2021 16:16 PM

Robert
Yeah the doctor is a good idea although it will be tough as I have the kids right now with no one to watch them until she gets home. But yes i do need sleep, I literally didn't sleep at all last nighy so I am running on fumes.

Newlifeisgreat posted 5/27/2021 16:18 PM

You need to come at the situation from a position of strength.

Women despise weakness in men. Donít show her this.

Forget about confronting her tonight or tomorrow at the hotel. Instead go see a lawyer, and have her served at work and make sure that the reason for the divorce is really listed as adultery.

Stay strong, good luck, and I promise you will get through this hell

Newlifeisgreat posted 5/27/2021 16:18 PM

You need to come at the situation from a position of strength.

Women despise weakness in men. Donít show her this.

Forget about confronting her tonight or tomorrow at the hotel. Instead go see a lawyer, and have her served at work and make sure that the reason for the divorce is really listed as adultery.

Stay strong, good luck, and I promise you will get through this hell

Booyah posted 5/27/2021 16:25 PM

If they're meeting tomorrow night at a hotel I would try really hard to hire a PI to take pics to get some damning evidence.

Do you know what hotel?
Have they been meeting at the same hotel each time?

If not able to get pics from PI, do you have someone who could watch the kids for a few hours and you go to the hotel to snap some pics?

WontBeFooledAgai posted 5/27/2021 16:37 PM

Hi iceman, welcome here...

You have gotten a lot of advice already. What are you thinking in regards to a strategy for how you will handle the confrontation? My best wishes to you!

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