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Wife of 17 years has been having a multi-year affair

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Butforthegrace posted 6/14/2021 08:36 AM

My wife and I have not decided to reconcile. Nor have we decided to get a divorce.

I would remind you that this should not be viewed by you as the sort of decision to be made in concert with your WW. Your WW did not consult with you nor seek your agreement when she decided to have repeated sex with Mr. Goodhands over a period of years, nor Mr. Client(s), nor Senior Jamon, etc. She didn't consult with you when she decided to piss away your money.

You do you. If you want to divorce, then divorce. You don't need her agreement.

She actually did get contacted my eric and his gf on monday.

I agree with the poster below -- this was phishing. "We could use some more money, and Eric wouldn't mind a bit of free pussy along with it."

How to respond? "Mrs. Ice, you invited these people into our marriage. Clearly, you want them here. I don't. You're free to respond to them however you like. While you do, I'll continue taking steps to end our marriage because I won't share you with them."


[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 5:25 AM, June 15th (Tuesday)]

KingofNothing posted 6/14/2021 09:36 AM

Totally agree with Butforthegrace.

You are treating what happens next as some issue that you are both negotiating. Please realize this is UP TO YOU, not her. She is the one that wronged you-- and with a breathtaking list of wrongs. You do not have to remain married to a wife that betrays you-- what are the odds you would ever be happy with or trust her again?

You must think of yourself, and your children, above any concerns for what your cheating STBX wants to do next.

RocketRaccoon posted 6/15/2021 00:09 AM

She actually did get contacted my eric and his gf on monday. They emailed her saying they wanted to check in to see how she was doing.

Oh how sweet! They want to see the effects of the destruction they wrought.

If I were naive, it would look like they might have a conscience, and are feeling guilty for it, but nah.... they are assholes.

The more suspicious side of me would say that they are phishing her to get back into the fold, as she was a great source of funds.


She brought it to my attention and said she would respond to them in whatever way I felt was appropriate.

Crickets would be the best response.


As to yourself, I do hope you are doing okay, all things considered.

Stevesn posted 6/20/2021 05:40 AM

How are you doing Iceman? Where do things stand between you and your WW?

If you haven’t already perhaps it’s time to report him to his licensing board.

Buffer posted 6/23/2021 00:51 AM

How are the ongoing medical tests going?
Take all the time you need before committing one way or the other.
But I will say there is a lot to forgive.
Legal advice is needed ASAP.
Drink water, try some basic exercise to help with stress. Hug your children. Communicate more.
One day at a time.

Butforthegrace posted 6/24/2021 10:14 AM

Iceman, we've not heard from you in a while. I hope your health is okay.

iceman1000000 posted 7/2/2021 18:24 PM

Hey everybody thank you so much for the kinds words. I appreciate all the concern. Sorry it has been busy with many things so I haven't been on for awhile.

My mom had surgery this week to remove the cancer and will be getting more tests done over the coming weeks to see if it is gone. Thank you so much for all of your thoughts on that.

For my own issues I have had 2 endoscopies and 2 colonoscopies done as well as the HIDA scan to address the pain as well as ongoing bleeding. The most recent gastroenterologist I have been working with thinks it is chronic inflammation from IBD that definitely could be from stress. I have a prescription she prescribed that seems to be controlling it. Ultimately though the goal is to lower the stress so I can get off the medication and hopefully it will heal on its own.

As for the affairs, there are a few updates. 

I have been agonizing over getting the kids paternity tested, but decided to finally go ahead with it. It was excruciating waiting for the results. However I am happy to say they are both mine. I feel a huge weight lifted with that.

I also did some investigating and found that Erics girlfriend is actually married to another man and has been for 11 years. I feel torn on what to do with that. Who knows, maybe they are in an open relationship. If they aren't however, I wouldn't mind if it came back to bite him in the ass. However I don't know if I really want to destroy this other guys world by telling him about his wife if he doesn't already know. It isn't technically my business and I don't know him.

Additionally my wife said she will file charges against him. I have not brought it up since she said she would do it, so who knows if she will. I am not going to push her to do it, because if she does, I want it to be because she feels it is the right thing to do. Guess we will find out what happens with that. 

I have to run in a moment but wanted to make sure I got on to update all of you. I will try to be better about not waiting so long next time.
Thanks again to all of you. Have a great long weekend!

There is a sense of an addiction of sorts. It might diminish the feelings of sexual humiliation and emasculation that often plague a BH.

Yeah I struggle with that and I do agree there is certainly a sense of addition present.
Iceman, I've read every single post of yours and all of the replies here on this thread over the past few days. This post of yours is the reason why I finally registered on this forum.
Wow thanks for taking the time to do that, I appreciate it.
I'm sure you've considered alimony by now. I certainly hope so.
I have definitely considered it. I do struggle with it though. I don't want to feel like I am lazy or entitled. As far as her having to pay, I don't feel bad about that, as in my opinion she deserves it. But just concerning me, it makes me feel like in a divorce I was not pulling my own weight and still rely on her. I know that is probably just something I need to get over mentally, but that is something that has crossed my mind, as I want to feel as independent from her as possible after a divorce.
btw there are many ways she could respond without you knowing, a friend's phone, work phones, etc.
Yeah totally a problem I have thought about. Not only that but she literally has 3 hotels within a block of her office. So if she wanted to she could easily cheat again.
I would remind you that this should not be viewed by you as the sort of decision to be made in concert with your WW. Your WW did not consult with you nor seek your agreement when she decided to have repeated sex with Mr. Goodhands over a period of years, nor Mr. Client(s), nor Senior Jamon, etc. She didn't consult with you when she decided to piss away your money. You do you. If you want to divorce, then divorce. You don't need her agreement.

Thanks very well said, I should absolutely view it as my decision.
ceman ... how are you? are you still experiencing stomach pain? How are you sleeping? Have you had a chance to talk to your attorney?
Doing alright thanks for checking in. I have started trying to go to sleep at the exact same time every night and wake up at the same time. I have always struggled at being consistent with that whenver I have tried. But since this started I have focused alot on it, and have been getting better rest. I also got some over the counter sleep medication I can use when needed which also is great. Overall it been a steady improvement.  

I wish you luck with your health and your family members' health. I think you realize that your stomach issues are quite likely linked to the stress you've been feeling from being married to a woman who is engaged in such deep levels of narcissism and dishonesty. It's a species of spousal abuse. Please try to stay healthy.
iceman, I hope they screened you for stomach ulcers. I had those for a while and they are quite unpleasant.
This is a common ailment that comes from the stress of these types of traumatic events. It's generally digestive issues that can be grouped into the category of GERD. I had developed one major and I think one minor ulcer a couple of months after everything happened to me. I also encountered my first panic attacks which made everything worse.
I was going to say the same thing. Surely you see, iceman, the direct connection between gut issues and what your WW has been doing. You knew before you knew, or your gut did. It’s been screaming at you for awhile and now you’re suffering physical symptoms. It’s all connected.
Please don’t let the doctors give you a pat on the head and say they can’t find anything and then just ignore things. You’re having stomach aches for a reason. Someone needs to find out why. I never want to bring up scary things to someone who’s already dealing with this but I have a very good friend who found some devastating news because she ignored symptoms much like yours. Pain is there to tell you there’s something wrong. Bug your doctors until they do something. Perhaps a CAT scan. If they looked at everything including a colonoscopy and an endoscopy, look at your pancreas and liver and find nothing then IBS might be the cause. Unrelenting stress causes the body to break down. Make getting answers your focus right now. I think your health takes precedents over anything else.
Thanks all of you so much for your concern about my health. I hope that getting through this in whatever outcome that occurs will lower my stress enough to heal physically.
Very sorry to hear about your mother. Strength to you. Take care of your own health and be there for your mother and your children. You have a lot to handle right now, beyond your WW’s infidelity. If you feel the need to get IC just do it. Your WW says the right words about her need for therapy, but her actions will tell you if she is serious. Set your priorities and set your boundaries. Time is your ally. You control whether your M continues. You decide what you want to do on your schedule. Take care.
Ice so sorry to hear about your mom. Praying they found it early and that she'll get through this ok.

BTW, Iceman, I forgot to mention this. I'm so sorry about your mom's condition. Let's hope and pray this is treatable and correctable. Please take care of yourself, as well. We are all pulling for you. The mind and the body are intricately connected and don't think for a second that your wife's affair didn't contribute to this. Unfortunately this is not a time for your eye to wander off the ball but please make some time for yourself in all this mess. You do your children no good at all if your health is shattered during the divorce.
Positive thoughts for your mom, Iceman
Let me add my good wishes for your mother and your health as well. As others have stated stress can show up in the most unusual ways. I had very similar symptoms as yours while going through my divorce. I was tested for everything under the sun. My stomach issues were all stress related as it turned out. My pain when away as my life settled down. Hopefully you will have the same result.

I really appreciate such kinds words for my mom. It really means alot to me. I am hoping and praying that it will all work out and she will be okay.

Robert22205https posted 7/2/2021 19:20 PM

thanks for checking in.

you are not alone.

asc1226 posted 7/2/2021 22:16 PM

Who knows, maybe they are in an open relationship. If they aren't however, I wouldn't mind if it came back to bite him in the ass. However I don't know if I really want to destroy this other guys world by telling him about his wife if he doesn't already know. It isn't technically my business and I don't know him.

Remember this from your first post?:

I was rely torn at this point, because I wanted to know if she was cheating, but part of me felt like there is no way she would do that, and the other part didn't want to know.

I decided i needed to know

Most likely her husband is feeling the same way you were a short while ago. Even if the girlfriend is in an open marriage those come with a lot of rules, and Eric may be off limits for some reason.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 7:35 AM, July 3rd (Saturday)]

Marz posted 7/3/2021 06:04 AM

I have definitely considered it. I do struggle with it though. I don't want to feel like I am lazy or entitled. As far as her having to pay, I don't feel bad about that, as in my opinion she deserves it. But just concerning me, it makes me feel like in a divorce I was not pulling my own weight and still rely on her. I know that is probably just something I need to get over mentally, but that is something that has crossed my mind, as I want to feel as independent from her as possible after a divorce.

You and your wayward were a team. Where would she be without you doing your part?

Do not hesitate to go for alimony. Playing macho man will get you killed. Finances are the biggest factor should this go to divorce. She would love to see you live poor. After the dust settles you won’t.

I hope I’m wrong but do not let her drive this bus. You need to decide if she’s worthy or not. You don’t want to go through this again. Repeats happen!!!!!

[This message edited by Marz at 5:26 PM, July 4th (Sunday)]

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/4/2021 17:01 PM

I think you should reach out to Eric’s girlfriend’s husband and let him know about his wife. If roles were reversed, wouldn’t you want him to tell you that you wife has been in a long term affair with another man?

Hang in there.
Stay strong.
And do what is best for you and the kids.

medieval posted 7/4/2021 23:08 PM

As a bit of a lurker here I normally stay quiet but one thing comes to mind that you should give some thought to. And it is a serious concern.

Given the type of person that she is and the dalliances that she has had in a professional setting (with clients) and her ability to hold and maintain a lie, it is not a stretch to assume that she may also have taken to doing some not-quite legal things in her professional capacity.

The sums you mention that she seems to be able to pull out of thin air without you (or anyone else) noticing gives me pause to think that she may have another source of income - a source that may be illicitly gained. If she has and again, this is just a supposition, you may want to be on your guard.

Her behaviour over the past few months/years is typical of someone who has been riding on the wrong side of things for a while and that it is coming to a point where she is about to go right off the edge. Her "coming to Moses" moment where she suddenly came clean on all of her infidelity may in fact be hiding something a lot deeper. And a lot nastier.

If you were considering the use of a financial auditor to go through things, I'd highly suggest that you do so sooner rather than later.

I could be reading things into what you have mentioned since your first post in a different way, but the sums of money involved, the off-the-books payments, the hidden cards etc all point to a very worrying aspect of this. She may of been engaged in some very suspicious financial dealings for the entirety of your marriage.

As is often the case, once a house made of cards starts falling down, it tends to bring down everything all at once. She may be seeing this happening and is desperately trying to hold the house up through sheer force of will.

redbaron007 posted 7/5/2021 03:00 AM

Ice - sorry if I've missed it, but what are your job prospects? I strongly suggest that you get a job - that will help you think more objectively about your future.

redbaron007 posted 7/5/2021 03:00 AM

Ice - sorry if I've missed it, but what are your job prospects? I strongly suggest that you get a job - that will help you think more objectively about your future.

Reece posted 7/5/2021 15:01 PM

Edited

[This message edited by Reece at 5:18 PM, July 5th (Monday)]

KingofNothing posted 7/6/2021 11:01 AM

Sending prayers for a complete recovery for both your mother and yourself.

I have been agonizing over getting the kids paternity tested, but decided to finally go ahead with it. It was excruciating waiting for the results.

So I have to ask: did your wife know you had the paternity of your children tested?

I also did some investigating and found that Erics girlfriend is actually married to another man and has been for 11 years. I feel torn on what to do with that.

She might be in an open relationship. She might not. I think you valued the information that your wife committed financial and personal adultery in your marriage. Now, assume how her husband feels. His gf is only tangentially your business, but it still is somewhat your business. You didn't want a male prostitute masseuse inserted in your life, I would be willing to bet good money her hubby feels similar.


Additionally my wife said she will file charges against him. I have not brought it up since she
said she would do it, so who knows if she will.

Your wife's ardent zeal to display what a nice, new safe partner she is is also commendable. However, I wouldn't make any plans on that happening. She has demonstrated where her loyalties lie.

SlapNutsABingo posted 7/6/2021 15:12 PM

By not contacting the GF's BS, you are taking away his right to choose the path his life will take...

That is cruel, so very cruel...

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 4:36 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

dblackstar2002 posted 7/7/2021 10:13 AM

Also don't buy the tings was bad between us excuse! No marriage goes without its' ups and downs. This is her making excuses. don't let her guilt you into thinking you had any thing to do with her cheating! Tell me, Were you aware of things being bad between you two? Not that it make a bit of difference....

Butforthegrace posted 7/14/2021 14:38 PM

Iceman, are you okay?

Justsomeguy posted 7/14/2021 14:59 PM

Take the alimony and put it in the bank for your kids. That way their future is taken care of, and you will have an insurance policy if things go south for you.

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