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Wife of 17 years has been having a multi-year affair

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Thumos posted 5/28/2021 12:28 PM

3 years of ongoing swinger threesome sex, exposing you to STD's and defrauding you of your savings.

That's a toxic level of abuse, brother.

We would recommend any other victim of this kind of abuse file for divorce and get away from your abuser.

Seek alimony and child support and make sure you know where that money went. She also owes you back the money she spent on him and the affair.

She doesn't get to "save up" for a divorce attorney. that isn't how it works.

I feel torn on what to do. I alternate between hating her and immediately filing for divorce, to caring about her and possibly consider reconciling. If we didn't have kids I would probably go the divorce route for sure. But the kids add a layer of complication.

This is the impact of shock and trauma. You will feel very different in a few weeks or months when your real anger sets in. You're also just now adjusting to seeing the real her, instead of the idealized her you've projected. This is really who she is, the person in front of you who exposed you to STD's, schemed to be penetrated by another man for three years, and defrauded you.

This is who she is. Deal with who she is first and foremost, not who you thought she was or who you wish she would be.

I asked what she wanted to do about the marriage. She said she wanted it to either get drastically better or get a divorce. She thinks even if we get a divorce we should go to counseling together to help us heal for the kids.

Stop doing this. You started doing what is called the pick me dance. The marriage was destroyed by her infidelity. She blew it up. It isn't coming back. It is possible for some people to rebuild a new marriage, but it takes a tremendously empathetic self-aware betrayer. This is a really important point, not semantics: You don't "work" on the old marriage. It's dead. Think about it: she complains about the state of your now defunct marriage, yet for three years she has deliberately sabotaged it.

They texted back saying she was a good mom and wished her the best.

This is sickening. Gross. Two swingers your WW got down and dirty with for three years think she's a good mom. She's not a good mom. She's a terrible mother and a terrible wife.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:21 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

elKAPPYtan posted 5/28/2021 12:29 PM

don't feel like you need to chose R right now. I am in reconciliation and if I were to go back to DDay all over again, I would have immediately filed for divorce.

It will be tough man, and it is a LOOOOOOONG road average 3-5 years to "get over" infidelity. I am glad that you recorded the conversation incase you end up going the other way.

[This message edited by elKAPPYtan at 12:30 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

Butforthegrace posted 5/28/2021 12:30 PM

They texted back saying she was a good mom and wished her the best.

I literally snorted my lunch through my nose when I read this. Because a good mom sneaks around behind the back of her children's father, her husband, to fuck another man, pissing away her family's money to pay the other man while exposing her children's father unwittingly to potential deadly STD infection.

For the record, your wife is a shyte mom.

At least you got honesty out of her at some level. The takeaway: she does not want to be in your current marriage. It therefore follows that she does not want to be married to her current husband.

Cut your losses and move on. Pursue your D on the basis of cause. Seek primary custody of the kids, first because you are and have been their primary caregiver, and second because your wife's adultery, financial shenanigans, and unsafe sexual practices establish that she is an unreliable caregiver to her family.

She said she did not pay him for sex. She used part of the money to pay for the massages everytime before they had sex.

Nice work if you can get it: find restless married women to pay you for a "massage" and then give a tip with some pussy. It's rather pathetic, though, from the perspective of your wife. Couldn't she at least find a man who would fuck her without charging her?

In any event, your lawyer will have a field day with this. She's using family money -- which also is your kids' money -- to pay a man for adulterous sex. Yet they tell her she's a "good mom".

She said the times they had sex without protection were rare.

This is cheaterspeak. Translation: maybe they used a condom once.

Get tested for STD's, and don't touch her sexually again.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 12:43 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

asc1226 posted 5/28/2021 12:35 PM

The tone of that conversation sounds like you’re both closer to divorce than reconciliation. I’d keep the appointments you’ve set up with the lawyers.

DBFool2019 posted 5/28/2021 12:36 PM

She then backpeddles and admits she has been unhappy in the marriage for a long time and has been wanting to talk to me for the last few months about either making it better, or getting a divorce.

This comment is rich considering she's been playing with the massage boy for 3+ years.........

Thumos posted 5/28/2021 12:38 PM

one more thing: you need to get more assertive very quickly about your finances.

That $6,000 needs to be put back into the account immediately. The $155,000 needs to be accounted for immediately.

You should establish a separate checking/savings account immediately and start getting your finances in order. Your attorney can advise you best here, but you should not delay.

Your WW is now entering the danger zone and has already shown the ability to defraud you. This is a very precarious time and that cannot be overstated.

I would also recommend getting a VAR to carry around with you. It is faster to record and better than an app on your smartphone. The VAR in your pocket is for your own protection in case your WW tries to foment false DV charges against you. It happens enough that it pays to be cautious. Please don't delay on this step.

gemini12 posted 5/28/2021 12:53 PM


You are getting excellent advice so far.

I'd like to add my opinion regarding D and children based on my experience.

Do not try to stay in your marriage 'for the kids'.
That is a big mistake. Kids are very smart and can tell when their parents aren't getting along. You can set a good example by setting up two safe and happy homes for the kids when they visit.
Kids can adapt to new situations very well as long as they have consistent structure.

My son has told me many times I showed him how to behave in less than ideal situations.

Best of luck going forward.

DIFM posted 5/28/2021 12:54 PM

I alternate between hating her and immediately filing for divorce, to caring about her and possibly consider reconciling

Her indifference to staying is a clear window into the agony you will be put through during her lack of deep connection to the R option. I am sure lots of people "love" the spouse they just divorced. But they D because they know that loving someone that is so casual about the despicable things the cheating spouse did assures a life of trauma and agony. She had the gaul to take the position that, if you found out, she would stop and go back to you. Really. That easy. Maybe she figured you would always be there no matter what she did to betray and deceive you. You better think long and hard about R. It takes two, so you alone will not make it work. It takes a cheater that is remorseful, empathetic to the pain caused, dedicated to fix what is broken in her before jumping to "fixing" the M.

I suppose all things are possible. But she appears to be checked out, unremorseful, oblivious to the pain and trauma heaped on you from her manipulations and betrayal. There is a lot to be fixed there and since she has not been honest with her therapist either, likely there will be little positive come from their engagements.

I am sorry you have bee manipulated into the middle of your wayward wife's shitstorm of lies and deception. Please keep you head on straight. Don't fall for any version of the pick me dance. Hold her feet to the fire for what she did, don't listen to the attempts at blameshifting and gaslightling.

Stay strong.

Freeme posted 5/28/2021 12:56 PM

My biggest concern is that I see no real remorse or even regret for what she did to you or the kids. Seems more of a "opp, I got caught ... guess I'd better stop now." The amount of money she spent, the amount of lies, the fact that she was screwing some young guy while you were at home watching the kids... She's embarrassed but not much else. It doesn't sound like she feels bad about he money spent at all. That's a lot of cash for a woman with young kids and a husband to be spending on herself.

She said she wanted it to either get drastically better or get a divorce.
This sounds like someone that expects you to put in just as much work as she does. The problem is she cheated for three years. You didn't. That's a huge hurdle for you to get over before you can discuss problems in the marriage. After what she has done to you both financially and mentally... I just don't think she has it in her to try to fix what she's broken.

Remember you were in the same and didn't cheat. You were stuck home with kids and her working late hours and didn't cheat. You saw problems in the marriage and didn't cheat.

Please make sure to follow up with the money issues. Also, make sure to meet with your lawyers.

Sharkman posted 5/28/2021 13:13 PM

You also need to report him to his employer.

stubbornft posted 5/28/2021 13:22 PM

It sounds like she is trying to funnel money away from the shared accounts. I would definitely talk with the bank and trace all money coming out. I would talk to an attorney ASAP, they can put you in touch with someone that can start tracking money down. Who is to say she didn’t change her direct deposit to split between the shared accounts and an account she has in her own name? Also if she doesn’t have direct deposit, she could have put a couple of nice commissions into a separate account knowing you wouldn’t know.

I would paternity test the kids. They are young now and will have no idea what you are doing. If you don’t do it now – what is to stop her and this dude from testing them later and blowing up your world? I would get the information now.

Talking to an attorney is not a final decision. Filing for divorce can always be stopped. Try and get control of this as much and as soon as you can.

I am so sorry for your pain, I wish you the best. Protect yourself.

Thumos posted 5/28/2021 13:28 PM

You also need to report him to his employer.

I second this. Thanks to sharkman for pointing it out. Blow up the fantasy.

Licensed massage therapists have a code of ethics. This is what that code was created for. They are not to violate that code with sex, or they lose their license.

"Engaging in sexual activity with a client" is usually the phrasing in most state laws for licensing standards and revocation. State laws also usually go into a great deal of detail defining said sexual activity to make it clear.

This is because respectable massage therapists wanted to ensure their craft was seen as legitimate (and it is legitimate) and separate from prostitution-based "massage" parlors.

Robert22205https posted 5/28/2021 13:31 PM

IMO you should talk to an attorney about where you (and her) stand financially as well as with custody of the kids if you divorce NOW.

Vs where you would stand is you divorce 5 years from now.

IMO you currently are at your strongest with respect to finances and custody.

You have evidence of a crime plus she desires to avoid public exposure.

Note in time the crime has less impact and (this is important) she is already creating a story justifying her affair by blaming you/marriage.

fareast posted 5/28/2021 13:37 PM

Strength to you. Lots of good advice here. You are still fresh and raw to all of this. It is not a race. Give yourself some time to take a breath and process the emotional trauma dumped on you by your WW. You have a lot to consider so give yourself some breathing time to think. Her infidelity may be a dealbreaker for you, even if she ultimately becomes remorseful. Which she is not now.

It appears that right now your WW is knee deep in rationalizing and justifying in her own mind her horrible betrayal. It is so common for a WS to rewrite the marital history to justify their shitty behavior. From what you have shared your M was quite normal. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused your WW to cheat. You shared that before you had children you both went to MC to see if your marriage was strong enough, and you felt you were in a good place. Her saying she has been unhappy for a long time is so cliche and such b.s.

Here’s the deal: your WW met a hot massage therapist and she decided to have casual sex with him simply because she wanted to do it. You, the children, her marriage vows were never considered. She wanted to have sex with this guy so she did. She was not emotionally attached or planning to run away with him as far as we know. Just regular casual sex. No big deal to her.

This is what you are facing. Your WW imposed an open marriage on you without your consent.

She would need a huge change in her morals and approach to marriage before she could ever be a safe partner for you. Good luck and be there for your children. None of you deserved this treatment. Always value yourself.

[This message edited by fareast at 1:42 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

Robert22205https posted 5/28/2021 13:38 PM

DO NOT GO TO marriage counseling.


It's too soon. You can't fix a marriage (note, all marriages can improve but that doesn't justify adultery)when your wife is a disfunctional life partner.

First she must fix herself.

Among other things, in the context of marriage, all cheaters share these characteristics: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lacking in empathy.

Finally, if the therapist knew about the affair, then you should insist (it's non negotiable) that she find a new therapist that's experienced with adultery. Clearly the current therapist failed your wife.

Robert22205https posted 5/28/2021 13:44 PM

Today she should put you on all bank accounts as a co-signer. No excuses. Take the kids to the bank with you (if necessary )and get it done.

The longer she delays the more likely it won't happen.

IMO you still don't know all the facts. Her 'confession' was high level and revealed the bare minimum. So be prepared for more reveals ...

Just an observation. The OM and his girlfriend should be terrified (and willing to assist your attorney) of being prosecuted for adultery.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 1:45 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

BeyondRage posted 5/28/2021 13:55 PM

Sorry my friend. Sounds to me like you are being told that rather than her busting her ass and doing anything and everything to rebuild some semblance of trust that you are being told you better meet her needs and work on it or divorce is fine
Now she can tell you that she fucked another man weekly for three years and she is in now way emotionally connected but I hope you don’t believe that. So I would not bet my 401K that one text message occurs and they all go cold turkey . Your wife’s occupation will continue to have her on the phone and there are more apps out there to contact him on than you can even count. Plus, her occupation has her roaming about freely day and sometimes night with clients . My point is that if you think what has occurred so far puts you anywhere close to being out of this you are mistaken.
I hope in hells name that her days of controlling all the money are over and that you’re paying real close attention
Your putting phone tracking on her cell means nothing. If your situation doesn’t scream “polygraph” at some point I don’t know what does.
In one month or two I would tell her it’s mandatory
And the four questions would be real real simple
(1) has she had sex with anyone but you and OM . The examiner will define sec for her in context of exam
(2) has she had any contact of any kind with OM or his girlfriend since she sent the “it’s over” text. I find that an agreement that they will end it immediately
simply by you finding out after three years to be very suspicious.
(3) are there any electronic communications of hers or e mail or apps that she has that you are not aware of
(4) is it true that absolutely no one else know what was going on
All of these are simple yes no answers .
My guess is she will flat out refuse to take the test . What will that tell you?
Good luck

asc1226 posted 5/28/2021 13:57 PM

Cheaters often lose empathy for their betrayed spouses during and in the immediate aftermath of their affair. The most you can expect upfront is regret for getting caught, not remorse for the pain and trauma she has caused you.

This is from my first post on your thread back on page one. I’m not prescient, and I don’t even “read” people all that well. But cheaters are nothing if not predictable. She’s not showing any remorse, she’s barely showing regret.

As for her saying she’s been unhappy with the marriage, well she had plenty of options to make changes. She could have asked for MC, she could have addressed it with her therapist instead of feeding her whatever bullshit she has for the last three years, she could have filed for divorce. Hell, she could even have talked to her husband about it. Instead she decided what would really fix things was fucking a massage boy and having threesomes with his girlfriend.

I don’t know if remorse will show up anytime soon, it can take months or even years. For some waywards it never comes. You’ll have to decide how long you can wait, and if it will be enough.

ChamomileTea posted 5/28/2021 13:59 PM

She said she wanted it to either get drastically better or get a divorce.

This is her issuing a demand for your best pick me" cha-cha. What that means is that she expects YOU to compete for the privilege of winning her grand self... and Reconciliation just can't work that way. She can't be allowed to call the tune, otherwise you won't get what you need to heal. In order for R to work, she's got to be all over you like a plaster, willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. And that's not what's happening here.

I'll be honest, if it were me, I'd go back to the attorney and find out what I needed to do. I'd keep telling her I didn't know what I wanted, but in actuality, I'd be getting all my paperwork together and filing for divorce. And if it were me, I'd DNA test the kids just to be sure. I know you'll love them anyway, but chances are good that they're yours and you'd have peace of mind knowing it for sure.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. Maybe she'll pull her head out of her hindquarters as things progress, but for right now, she's already blame-shifting to the marriage and that can't work.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 2:00 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

Thumos posted 5/28/2021 14:08 PM

Of all the things swirling around you right now, I'm most concerned about your exposure to STDs, the financial aspect and that the affair will continue underground.

You need to take decisive action on these three fronts.

1. As Beyond Rage pointed out, you should be squaring away these accounts with bank today before the long Memorial Day holiday weekend. I find it deeply suspect that your WW had $6,000 in cash sitting around in her office for safekeeping. Your wife needs to account for all of the money spent on the affair, including the massage therapy appointments (this will also be critical in filing a complaint against her AP).

2. I know we are throwing a lot at you, but there are clinics open on Saturdays for STD testing.

3. Exposing the affair. I would consider telling your WW's parents at the very least, and that you are considering moving forward quickly with divorce. Please pay attention here: This is important to stop your WW from carrying out psychic warfare on you when you already in a vulnerable state by telling her family a false story about how you've been a bad husband. And make no mistake, she WILL do that. You're not trying to get her parents on "your side." You're putting a stop to the lies and pricking her fantasy bubble. It's very important that you act.

4. Exposing the affair. It's probably relatively easy to file an online formal complaint with your state's board of cosmetology, or whatever authority licenses massage therapists.

Others may have other thoughts for you -- but to me these three areas are the most critical:

A. Protect yourself physically - STD testing and no sex with WW. Get a pocket VAR and start carrying it around.

B. Protect yourself financially - full access to all accounts, ensure cash has been re-deposited and that you are able to access. Follow attorney's advice on how to proceed with accounts and how to reclaim money that has been stolen from you and spent on the affair.

C. Protect yourself from further lies and gaslighting - Expose the affair to the light of day.

You cannot trust your wife on anything she says at this point. Nothing.

Protect yourself and your kids.

[This message edited by Thumos at 2:14 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

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