SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dated WBF almost a year before d-day two weeks ago when I learned he slept with at least one woman and engaged with another two or more during the course of our relationship. That these activities took place in our first year of dating which has been "amazing" and "the best" he's ever been in makes it hurt even more because I'm now wondering if any of it was true!

I've heard awful stories of infidelity from friends and others, and knew he cheated in past relationships (I've cheated, too). Six months in I started having strong feelings our wonderful relationship was going to come crashing down around me and reveal itself to be a fraud. (Intuition???) We regularly talked about our relationship, our love, our past relationships including infidelity, but I didn't have any real suspicions until I got a text I thought may have been meant for someone else (he explained it in a way that was plausible but my hackles were up). Later his behavior started to change: sex and affection were there but over the past couple months he became increasingly judgmental and critical of my past and would accuse me of things like being involved in inappropriate relationships with exes and manipulating the truth to make myself look better. As a person who values personal growth and self-awareness, I considered his concerns and did the emotional work to address them. I now know he was actually guilty of doing the exact things he judged me for and accused me of!

Needless to say the betrayal, manipulation and gaslighting were too much, and after we talked about the cheating in person FOR HOURS, I later ended things over text. He apologized for his poor character, acknowledged projecting his stuff onto me, that he's a broken man who needs/will get help, etc, but I, inconsolable, wished him luck and blocked his number. A few days later he contacted me via email with more remorseful "I'm sorry's" and expressed hopes for our better future after he takes time and does work on himself. I was still reeling and asked him not to contact me.

Since then I've made plans to begin IC to discuss the breakup and work through my own issues that were triggered as a result of the betrayal. In recent days, I've been plagued with thoughts about having a postmortem convo with him to share more about my experience of the betrayal, understand his "why's," and learn what he's doing to improve himself. The problem is he's almost 50, and has left a trail of BGFs who all took him back! One went on to marry him (they've since divorced)! So I'm wondering what he's doing to "work on himself." He says he's going to therapy though I have doubts he'll follow through; he's never been and minimized my own history of going to therapy. Still, I'm here to get advice and input about whether to seek that closure for him, or if I should just remain NC since it would mainly be a pointless exercise. Part of me knows an old dog can't learn new tricks, but the other part feels there may be redemption. At this point I also know I'm still reeling from it all and want answers that may never come. A trusted friend advised me to wait to speak to my therapist before contacting him again, and there's a HUGE part of me that doesn't want to lower myself to contact this man who so carelessly destroyed the beautiful love and bond we had, though I now wonder how beautiful and strong could it have been if he risked it all.... I haven't spoken to him since leaving his house d-day and have concerns I'll get reeled back in. I keep reminding myself he failed the test drive, he's shown himself to be a liar and cheater, contact=pain, but my heart isn't fully in sync with my mind. Help!

First of all, he's almost 50 and has had enough time to recognise his own maladaptive behaviours and properly address them in therapy.
Secondly, there's already a chain of BGFs in his life, so it's not a one-off situation, which (with a considerable amount of good will) you could construe as redeemable. Cheating has become his way of life, and not only cheating - his tendency to project his personal demons onto you (and, presumably, his partners before you) is also a huge sign of toxicity.
Thirdly, his "tepid" attitude to psychotherapy does not bode well for any future success.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but there isn't much to work with (especially that you have a history of cheating yourself).
Stay strong.

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 1:12 PM, Thursday, May 20th]

Thanks Sceadugenga. Toxic seems accurate and in reflection, I think he has lots of self-loathing, among other issues. Before D-day I'd talk to him about therapy and advise he try it. He liked to say I was putting him on the couch. Appreciate the reminder there isn't much to work with. Will cut my losses, go to therapy, and remain grateful it ended how and when it did.

My limited (and thus anecdotal) experience tells me that many cheaters are insecure (to the point of self-loathing) and oftentimes reluctant to face their insecurities in therapy.

He has not done anything to address his issues. Nothing.

Look at his history - filled with infidelity. He’s a serial cheater.

Sadly he’s not going to change or do anything to change himself. That is his choice both past, present and future.

I think you should move on.

It seems that for you the very hardest part is going to be letting him go.

You do not want to let him go (you're still living in the world that was before all this). You cannot begin to really recover until you do let him go.

Letting go is so very hard. I know in my heart he is incapable of being the type of man I need and must accept it but I'm not there yet. Therapy this week, and if any of you have tips, please do share. This is the first time I've experienced this type of betrayal from a shameless, manipulative gaslighter. Thankfully I remain hopeful about my future and know I'll get past this.

TrueRue, just a shout out to you for being grounded and making good decisions. It it really hard to let go of something that was wonderful at the time. Your head moves faster than your heart. You need time to adjust. It's best to remain NC while you give your heart time to adjust.

If it's too hard to say "never again" right now, just say "not for the next 2 months" and once you get to the 2 month point, you might find that it's not so hard to add another two months, etc.

Amazing advice here from everyone, thank you.

Why hadn’t the anger phase kicked in?

Or at least the “ I’m so done with this” phase.

1stWife, I don’t have an answer to your question. I’ve gone through the range of feelings about the situation, and being done with him is one of them. We haven’t spoken or seen each other at all since D-day three weeks ago. I rebuffed his attempts to reach out by text and email and shut him out of communication with me a week after. I do miss the bond and the connection, which I know isn’t the same thing as missing HIM. We dated 9 months and grew close but I’m accepting it was a covid affair... I’ve been looking at old texts and journal entries and realize I knew deep down it wouldn’t last. The lies and deception still hurt.

After weeks of no contact, WBF mailed a letter to my home asking for forgiveness after "confessing" his lies and admitting to being with a total of three women in our short relationship. He also revealed some insights about his anger and other issues, and regrets about his gaslighting and judgmental behavior towards me. Since then I unblocked him and we've exchanged a few texts where he's profusely apologized, acknowledged his deep flaws & the pain he caused, has said he'd get help to become a better parter, etc. No defensiveness or blaming from him when I point out his offenses, and he seems sincere, but this is his pattern. He's gotten away with cheating on GFs for years and I know these types are brilliant manipulators and liars. A huge part of me doesn't think he will change, however I have one friend who thinks I should reestablish contact with him to see what he actually does. For now I continue IC, have maintained NC (blocked him again), and just let my feelings come and go without judgment. It's all so hard but I know it will get better.

but this is his pattern. He's gotten away with cheating on GFs for years and I know these types are brilliant manipulators and liars

Follow your head. Your heart just has not caught up yet.

I’m not trying to be mean here but with serial cheaters — it’s a pattern. He’s been down this path previously, saw the devastation and pain he caused but yet he did it to you anyway.

I knew guys who were players in their young single days. Many of them, when they found the right person, stopped the cheating and changed to being completely monogamous and faithful. It can happen.

But this XBF has shown you his true self. And he didn’t change. If he doesn’t reconcile with you he will just find someone else to victimize.

Also Part of his thrill is the chase to see if he can get you back. And when he does, he will just cheat again.

You know this. You are smart enough to see it by your own words that I quoted above. Stay no contact. Permanently.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:43 PM, June 7th (Monday)]

He is addicted to the chase. Once he wins then you are not as much fun and there’s somebody else to chase. He’s been on this earth half a century and he still behaving like a 12-year-old. I don’t know if there’s a chance in hell that he will ever change but if you stick with him you’ll find out. I think those odds are iffy.

He very much seems an external validation junkie. To recapitulate: he's a 50-ish-year-old adult with a string of betrayed partners in his past - when he gets bored, or the idealisation stage of the relatiohship wears off, he seeks other women.
Until the last email you probably had no idea how quickly and easily he gets bored - now you know. Within the span of less than a year, a period when the freshness of the relationship should keep the level of 'feel good' hormones at an all-time high, he felt the need to look for an additional fix three times with three different women.
Before you make your final decision as to what to do with him, it's worth having a look at what kind of person he is outside the context of romantic relationships. Does he have any solid and stable friendships in his life? Or does he have a tendency to jump from friendship to friendship or one circle to another? Are these friendships based on common core values or less serious things like shared hobbies or common workplace? What kind of friend is he: is he loyal, devoted and willing to muck through rough patches or is he what you would call a fair-weather friend? Does he have a tendency to criticise people, especially behind their back? How does he deal with the variety of human attitudes or lifestyles? Does he respect other people's choices and decisions or is he more of a "my way or the highway" type of person? How does he treat people he has no chance of getting anything from?
I can't be certain but I'd venture to say there is a good chance that answers to those questions will paint a less than favourable picture of him as a person, not only as a potential partner. I strongly believe (though I'm not aware of any research to back it up) that there is a substantial correlation between serial cheating and behaviours characteristic of cluster-B personality disorders. He may well fall into this category.

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 5:43 AM, Tuesday, June 8th]

Sceadugenga, I share your sense that he needs external validation. The three women he admitted to cheating with are all from his past, including a married woman, and his last serious BGF who he claims knew about me and ended things when he wouldn't leave me. All very f-ed up and messy, especially during the honeymoon phase.

In the letter and subsequent texts he seems to be very self-reflective, regretful, and remorseful acknowledging his darkness and unhealthy patterns, but also ashamed and embarrassed, which is more about him. He's a laid back charmer who, outside of being a gaslighting serial cheater, is a decent enough guy. He's close to his family and has long term friendships with a group of men who adore him and regularly seek his counsel.

That said, I think he's depressed, self-loathing and uses marijuana to cope. When we were together I tried to initiate discussions about his mental state but he was quite resistant at the time and now claims to have a new awareness. Not sure what caused his pathology, and I hope he's sincere about getting the help he needs. One of the last things I told him was that actions mean more than his hollow words.

I felt a specific, comforting, nurturing love from him that, honestly, tapped into my own unresolved issues that I've since gained clarity on. It's those feelings of love and comfort I miss most of all. Because of the pandemic we were together almost daily but until recently didn't get out too much since the world was closed. We returned from our first trip out of town less than two weeks before D-day, and had been talking about the future day-of! Still, there were some gaps that gave me pause and I was starting to question whether he was equipped to sustain a serious, long-term relationship. The universe showed me the answer and now I know.

The three women he admitted to cheating with are all from his past, including a married woman, and his last serious BGF who he claims knew about me and ended things when he wouldn't leave me.

Looks like all these women had at one point or another called it quits on him and now he's trying to stroke his ego by "reclaiming his territory".

He [...] has long term friendships with a group of men who adore him and regularly seek his counsel.

That might be yet another source of external validation. Another source, another type, but it's still ego kibbles.

That said, I think he's depressed, self-loathing and uses marijuana to cope.

This has nothing to do with his cheating behaviours. There are lots of clinically depressed people, many of them suffering from low self-esteem and substance abuse disorders - yet, they don't cheat on their significant others. You have every right to question their integrity in some areas of their lives, but they manage to cling on to some decency with regards to (in)fidelity.

When we were together I tried to initiate discussions about his mental state but he was quite resistant at the time and now claims to have a new awareness.

This is likely an ego-preservation mechanism and choosing denial to cope with uncomfortable and unresolved issues. Seeking help from mental health providers would have been considered a defeat of sorts and his ego resisted the very idea of it.

Not sure what caused his pathology

Probably an emotional wound from his past, like in most cases.

One of the last things I told him was that actions mean more than his hollow words.

I know recovering addicts who became clean and got their lives back on track fairly late in their lives and after several unsuccessful attempts (a disclaimer: I tend to view cheaters in a similar fashion to addicts - many will disagree with me on that, but it is what it is) so I've witnessed living proof that it can happen, but their families and loved ones had displayed limitless patience and understanding. I wouldn't blame anyone who felt too bloody tired to give it anymore. Besides, those people had long histories together - I imagine not all of them decidedly bad. In your case it's less than a year and three counts of infidelity.

he's profusely apologized, acknowledged his deep flaws & the pain he caused, has said he'd get help to become a better parter, etc. No defensiveness or blaming from him when I point out his offenses,

Wonderful. He can do that from a safe distance. If in two or three years he has remained single, gone to counseling etc., and he has respectfully allowed you to heal without his interference, then he can contact you for a date to see what his new personality has to offer. That is the least amount of time it will take for him to re-set without harming you further in the process.

Sorry but re-involving yourself with him now will stop you in your tracks from moving forward with your own precious life. You don't have time for this.

Thanks for the reinforcements, All. As part of my healing process I'm feeling my feelings and sharing openly with my support network, including the SI community; appreciate everyone keeping me honest. I take your thoughtful comments, perspectives and insights to heart. Truly grateful for it all.

Since then I've made plans to begin IC to discuss the breakup and work through my own issues that were triggered as a result of the betrayal.

This step, of anything else you can do, is going to give you the most clarity FOR YOU.

In recent days, I've been plagued with thoughts about having a postmortem convo with him to share more about my experience of the betrayal, understand his "why's," and learn what he's doing to improve himself. The problem is he's almost 50, and has left a trail of BGFs who all took him back!

I don't recommend this. It's obvious he's not going to "work on himself" and he's not going to give you any whys that make sense. Actually, I found that therapy for ME gave me the insight and the "clarity" I needed regarding my ex and WHY he was unlikely to change and WHY he was not going to be a good partner.

So I'm wondering what he's doing to "work on himself." He says he's going to therapy though I have doubts he'll follow through; he's never been and minimized my own history of going to therapy.

Since one of the best indicators of future behavior is past behavior, I really don't see him following through. I would ask myself (not him) what is going to be different this time. This is his MO. He's not 23 years old--he's a grown-ass man and this is how he chooses to conduct himself. Change is unlikely with this one.

Still, I'm here to get advice and input about whether to seek that closure for him, or if I should just remain NC since it would mainly be a pointless exercise.

NC and IC are probably the best combination for YOU to get the insight and the clarity you're seeking. IC will help you delve into what you found attractive about this person, how you can choose better the next time and it will also give you the insight and resolve to remain NC with this clown.

Closure, for me, is overrated. It's not an event, but a journey of healing, insight and understanding. No one thing--no one conversation or event--gives one "closure." I cringe every time I hear someone saying they want to do something for "closure."

And really . . . why would you want to help him? He's certainly not helping you. You weren't a factor in many of his decisions about his life. He took agency away from you by tomcatting around and exposing you to all sorts of emotional and physical harm. You wanting to help him is something you should deal with in IC. He certainly doesn't merit it.

Cat