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how do you deal when triggered?

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lifestoshort posted 5/16/2021 00:33 AM

my 7 yr relationship ended by me figuring out too much and the OW calling me to see what was up. its only been 2.5 weeks. he tried to trap her and get her pregnant. since she didnt get her period yet (she does drugs, smokes, drinks, sleeps at like 5am to 2pm cause partying all night) shes also a child so barely understands how the pill works.... anyway he knew she didnt want a kid so he tried to get her pregnant. same with me.

she decided since she was "late" that she should go back to him. i knew it would not last. shes dumb, I told her twice I was with him and to back off, so she likes the thrill too. no way she is pregnant. they last had sex on the 3rd day in her cycle. I know how to do the math.

so tonight im triggered. what do you all do when you dont R, you got lied to for ages and he did it to the other woman too and the Other person goes back to the cheater? I mean how do you not want to break everything he owns? his family lied to me, her, I mean he has no track record after all this. exposed us both to stds and herpes. Im just shocked this young thing would go back. the one that basically lives in her car. that has a dog thats locked up in another house and she leave there to hang and do drugs w my now ex. (I didnt know he was reusing till recently and he is selling too)

I truly dont want him. I have seen all his sides but knowing he was NOT with her till recent had made my life so great. I was doing really well. now racing thoughts again and visions. why cant he pay for at least a while?

[This message edited by lifestoshort at 12:35 AM, May 16th (Sunday)]

The1stWife posted 5/16/2021 00:59 AM

You continue to try to make sense out of an irrational person.

Heís a drug addict /dealer.

He wants a kid with a drug user mom and he thinks that is a good idea? Karma has already twisted his brain into a pretzel if he thinks thatís a good idea.

From your post it appears he had issues w/ addiction in the past. So this is no surprise heís in this situation and making poor choices.

I think you need to stop thinking his actions have anything to do with you. They really have to do with his poor choices, addiction, irrational behavior.

It is hard to watch someone you love go down the wrong path. But you are torturing yourself with the thoughts heís with a crazy 20-something and you lost. You did not lose anything here except a lying cheating idiot. Heís going down the wrong path with the wrong people and it will catch up to him.

Your best revenge is a life well lived. Donít drag yourself to his level. Donít torture yourself that the OW ďwonĒ b/c the only thing she got was the booby prize ó a guy with no morals and no character. Not with the way heís behaving.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:02 AM, May 16th (Sunday)]

EllieKMAS posted 5/16/2021 01:05 AM

I'm sorry you're struggling lts. I know it's hard in the early days.

But honestly, you just tell yourself over and over and over that if she wants to put up with his ridiculousness, if she's willing to accept his apalling behavior, if she's okay with a druggie waste of air... then she's doing you a massive favor takin him off your hands.

People like him carry their own rope with them and eventually he'll hang himself with it. And ask yourself this: does a relationship like this sound in any way healthy or destined to succeed? Two losers who started their relationshit based on deceit and lies, abuse drugs, are clearly two completely unhealthy people... Yeah. I'm thinking that's not a recipe for happily ever after. A dumpster fire maybe, but not happiness. I know it's easy to feel like he or the twatap are 'winning'. I felt that way too in the beginning. But really what are they 'winning'? A relationship with a lying pos who has no clue how to be a decent human. Not much of a prize really.

My xwh moved in with a couple (cus he's 'poly' apparently and mean ol wifey said no to letting his 18 yo ap move into MY house) less than three months after our D was final. So he's living his best poly life. But guess what. He's still a loser. He's still a liar. He still uses people to keep a roof over his head because he is a lost little boy who isn't capable of adulting. He still seeks happiness from others and disposes of them when he fails to find it (which he never will). He won't ever change because he won't ever see that his behavior is what causes his unhappiness. And nothing he's doing now changes any of that.

Meanwhile, I'm single and happy and joyful in my peaceful life. I got a new higher paying job. My new car is coming on Monday. I remodeled my master bath. And most importantly, I have grown enormously from this infidelity-based chapter of my life. It changed me profoundly, but in so many unexpectedly good ways. I'm smarter, stronger, happier, and a better person than he will ever be.

Remind yourself repeatedly that ditching his deadass weight from your life will free you so very much. The pain you're feeling is fleeting, the peace and freedom you'll get to are forever.

EllieKMAS posted 5/16/2021 02:07 AM

I was thinking on this while I was pokin around getting ready for bed and wanted to float a theory by you.

I know when you're in the middle of it that it's difficult (if not impossible) to look at the ws objectively. But try anyways.

Removing HIM from it, what do you think when you see a 45 yo man diddling around with a 20-something? If you read this story in a book or magazine, what would you think of this guy? Would you think that this is a dewd that has his shit together?

From what you've said of him, what I see as an objective outsider is a sad sack who peaked in high school and has been going downhill since graduation.

Here's the theory part. If my supposition strays towards truth about him, then is it possible that getting with his hs sweetheart waa some bid to reclaim some former version of himself? And when that didn't work (because us adults know it never would have), he then decided that finding someone younger and engaging in ridiculously immature behavior would do it?

And for you, dear lts, I think you've held a highly romanticized view of him for a long time. You were hs sweethearts what... 30 years ago? Is it maybe possible that part of you views him still through the eyes of the high school girl you were when you dated him before? Cus you know and I know that teenage love is very intense but also really unrealistic and highly romanticized. Is it possible that after 30 years of less-than-ideal relationships, you were maybe trying to escape to that romantic version of love too? To recapture something?

I dunno if I'm right, but just wanted to muse with you about it.

Cooley2here posted 5/16/2021 08:52 AM

You KNOW he is worthless. You know it. You held onto a dream from years ago but it was really a nightmare. Ellie is right. He stopped evolving while he was still a kid. I donít see a good outcome for him or his new girl. People on drugs donít last long. There is no happiness in his life. There is just addiction. Be glad to be out of it.

Bonetired posted 5/16/2021 09:59 AM

Hmmm....well,when I was triggered it used to be loud music and a punching bag or I would run for forever.Now that I'm older and breaking down a bit.Numerous injuries such as arthritis and rotator cuff issues I have to use other methods.I do excersize to some good music.I keep busy somehow.Like cleaning out a closet and throwing useless stuff away.I get a kick out of disposing things that are cluttering my life.(Like a former WH.)Just envision it as them and put it in the garbage!!!I had to let go of my destructive ways and develope healthier ones to deal with it.Otherwise I still get triggered.Sometimes I just have to ride through it.

lifestoshort posted 5/16/2021 11:12 AM

ooh 1st wife, thats exactly what I needed to hear!wish I could print it off and carry it around with me.

lifestoshort posted 5/16/2021 11:16 AM

wow actually all of you have exactly the right words for me today. Im going to reread and try to go on with my day.
I had NO sleep and am super sick again this morning.
you are all a true blessing. ty.

lifestoshort posted 5/16/2021 11:32 AM

yes he was an addict in the past. he is not using stuff like before but still anything that impairs you is frowned upon by me. Grew up with addict parents so I dont do anything even when its easily available. I just dont need it.

he is not healthy. I can see that. she is doing what I did. she thinks she can fix him for that feeling. I was stupid. yep,romanticized him till I knew he did all the same sex stuff with her. then it was like a light switch. I have to remind her the same. You idiot, I taught him how to do all that! she wants a polyamorous relationship. where we both get him. but not really, she thinks that she was with him 3 months so fell in love with him and should get the chance. Mind you hes been around my kids for 7 years so she doesnt give a crap about that?

I just reeling. Im super mad someone else can be just as dumb. Im treating her like my daughter cause well, I have 2 her age !

EllieKMAS posted 5/16/2021 11:44 AM

Lts, please, for your own sanity, stop engaging with ow. She's not your friend, she's not your kid, and whatever shenanigans she chooses to fuck up her life with are NOT your problem.

You staying in contact and obsessing over her motivations, whether she's with xwbf, getting pregnant, doing drugs etc is keeping you sucked into this dramatic ridiculous bs. I get that you are a very kind and empathetic person and that you're trying to save her from him, but you can't save her and you're hurting yourself trying. YOU deserve your kindness and empathy WAY more than twatap does.

The1stWife posted 5/16/2021 12:59 PM

I think you have seen the real him. But you thought you could help him and steer him down the better path.

Heís lied and cheated. Heís denied you were together. Heís a drug dealer. I donít know about you but anyone in my world who chooses to become a drug dealer is immediately shown the door.

Heís shown you a lifelong history of his issues yet you stood by him. Until now when you no longer can.

Itís time to start leaving him and his issues and his drama in the past. Easy? No. But you deserve better than this.

I think you should get some counseling for yourself and give it time to settle in your brain that he threw it all away. When people make that choice then you have to accept it.

I was a nerdy kid growing up. I liked this guy for a long time. But I wasnít cool enough for him. Years later when I was 17 and was sooooo over him he suddenly ďdecidedĒ I was good enough. Except I decided his crappy treatment of me was not acceptable.

You should do the same. Your X is no longer good enough and you are moving on.

lifestoshort posted 5/16/2021 15:08 PM

I do see the real him yes. it all came tumbling in over the last month. the drugs, the selling, the hiding, the lies, his parents being enablers as well as myself.

It sure is a shit show. I know thats why I felt better. I was done with him. I didnt have to plan anything around his shit or also secretly know. I made sure ALL know now.

Im in counseling. trying to go every week. but often its every 2 weeks.

You are right, I cant save her. I was trying to get her to see it all. it is making me sick. He is making me sick. and they are both really immature idiots frolicking in lies. I cannot change it, it was shoved onto me.

I think whats triggering is, she and he ruined this. maybe I needed to get out but they ruined our family and the time together. and somehow she still feels entitled to him even though it wasnt her man. there is something about that, that is hurting the most.
but now that I can count back, he emotionally/ physically cheated 6 times since I was with him in highschool. 1 physical affair was too many.

Today I hurt. Today I am sick and feel off my rocker. Today Im not ok. (crying this second for the 1st time in nearly 3weeks) today I am feeling the pain and hopefully soon, I wont feel this ever again. Im so tired from it all. I can see why so many dont reconcile. its way harder.

thank you for being kind and blunt. I need it all.

The1stWife posted 5/16/2021 21:05 PM

Iím sorry you are suffering. It does hurt terribly being the betrayed.

Iím just trying to make you see that he chose to lie snd cheat and it has nothing to do with you. He didnít cheat because you werenít good enough he cheated despite the fact you were better than good.

lifestoshort posted 5/16/2021 21:56 PM

I think more of us need to hear that. Those comments are what makes us heal. Truly.

I can have all the self esteem in the world but still need to hear what maybe my own parent may tell me. (dont have them) The abuser is the messed up one. We are the one who just got caught in the wrath.

I need to remember he is the mentally abusive one. I am worthy of true love. I am better then him and her. I did not cause this. I am free of him when I can let the pain pass.

he called me today. I almost didnt pick up and answered with a im not sure I should talk to you, why are you calling? she made him. he jumps for a 24 yr old. said he cheated on her not me. ok sure. that will make her feel great. that she wants to make it work with him. he loves her, that he doesnt want to be with me. I went off on him. he again told me some illegal stuff like he wants to get caught. tried to make me feel bad and blame me, and I GOT MY POWER BACK and said so much nasty stuff to show who is the leader here. Instead of crying, I felt strong. I said my view of his weak addicted self, looking for naive prey, reminded him of his past and record and why he will never change and no good man needs to be told how to have good character or morals, they just do it. reminded him that he cheated many times over the past 30 yrs and he needs the therapist to see why he is so f'd up.

I said keep saying all this shit so it can get back to her. your no remorse is what pisses us off. He says so your telling her stuff to piss her off. No, Im telling her stuff you are saying which would piss anyone off. shes hearing the truth. He doesnt want us to have contact so guess what, f that. I will do the opposite.

I felt powerful after that because I realized my worth. pointless to try to talk sense into the mentally messed up.
blessing in disguise. but still want him to pay and have no one. he deserves no good feelings for many months. he destroyed lives.

EllieKMAS posted 5/16/2021 22:15 PM

Lts you have no control over him. Or her. No control AT ALL. Whether he 'suffers' or if they got married tomorrow... you can't control them, only YOU. I know how hard it is, but whatever it takes to get the 'he has to suffer' thought out of your head, do it. Your BEST 'revenge' is moving on and living your best life free from his bullshit. I hated hearing that early on, but 2.5 years later I can tell you that is absolutely true imho.

No contact is your best friend. He's a narcissistic douchehole and every time you tell him off, you're giving him exactly what he wants. Every time you answer a phone call or text or email, you're giving him exactly what he wants. Every time you talk to ap, you're giving him exactly what he wants. And what he wants is that ego boost of knowing he has two women gettin all crazy over his useless ass; it makes him feel powerful and important and oh so 'special'. Do yourself a huge solid and remove yourself from that drama triangle equation. The longer you stay in it, the more you hurt yourself. Block him, block her, and give those soul wounds a chance to actually start healing. You want him to suffer? NOT responding to him AT ALL is the BEST way to do that. He doesn't care what you have to say or how you feel - if he did, you wouldn't be here. Let him ride of in his handbasket with ap... I guarantee you 1000% that it won't be to a happy ending.

lifestoshort posted 5/16/2021 22:27 PM

I know thats what others say but I need to do this. It is helping me. me knowing allows me less stress. eventually i wont but Im only 3 weeks in. still to fresh. from going full in to NO R. I need something to wean from lol.

If I had pondered all this last night w out her explaining, I would have probably be crying all day. now tomorrow I can go on, sleep well and be somewhat normal again. night all!

lifestoshort posted 6/11/2021 22:16 PM

now that her car is back Im triggered all the time. I see it every other day it feels like. its not that I picture them having sex, its that she is here. in my city, with my guy and ruined my family.

DD was just 6 weeks ago. Im doing the best I can. perhaps Im coming out of the numb. Perhaps I figured he would get out of the fog himself. Im sooo tired of this, waking and thinking about it. Even with keepin myself busy, I think about it 300 times in the day.

The1stWife posted 6/12/2021 06:14 AM

You are going through the normal process of betrayal and grief. Sadly it just doesnít end that quickly where you just move on.

Yes you want him to suffer! Yes you want revenge or karma etc. itís natural. Its human nature.

As I stated earlier ó heís an addict who is making bad choices. Illogical choices. You cannot understand or relate to those situations because they make no sense

He destroyed a great relationship. Because heís an addict.

Heís making crazy choices to get people pregnant. Because heís an addict.

Heís living a degenerate lifestyle. Because heís an addict.

You need to accept heís an addict and you have to just let it go. Stop caring. Stop trying to make sense of it all. For your own sanity and happiness.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:16 AM, June 12th (Saturday)]

rugswept posted 6/12/2021 08:18 AM

You're still early in the cycle, and yes, you're coming out of the numb phase. Anger may be next.

Your relationship is dead and gone. It's not coming back. He's a scummy addict trying to figure out how to stick it to some scummy druggy to kid up. That's his dream. Some dream, huh!

They're toxic and beyond repair.
Save the rest of your life and get out of this whole thing. You're fine and going through the agony of the A as we all have. The sooner you're completely out, the less this will affect you.

I'm big on R, but sorry, there is absolutely nothing to save here other than you.

[This message edited by rugswept at 8:18 AM, June 12th (Saturday)]

Cooley2here posted 6/12/2021 12:57 PM

Maybe someone asked this question and I missed it. Why is he trying to get people pregnant? It makes no sense. This is a drug addicted immature person who cannot look after himself and he wants a kid. Thatís just part of his screwed up life.

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