SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Went to IC tonight, our former MC, and she suggested that I go NC with both OW and Andi for awhile and stop flying by the seat of my pants "like a teenager."

She said I was letting OW and Andi run my life and it was time for me to figure out what I really wanted. When she asked me what I thought I wanted and needed I truly couldn't answer -- but she made a point that neither relationship was healthy and doesn't leave the door open, even a hair, to reconcile with Andi if I ever wanted to consider it.

I do know that OW didn't give me the distance I asked for in my R with Andi and broke NC, and Andi insists I targeted her BF for a revenge A, which I did not, while minimizing the impact of her own A.

Truth is OW pursued me when I was weak--which IC quickly pointed out that "that doesn't sound like a very good friend to have."

I said I believed both had a certain selfishness to them that didn't consider me at all.

We had all been friends in our college years and Andi and OW were the Alpha females in the group--they ran everyone's life basically.

What I did learn tonight in IC is that my life has changed forever, I can't undo anything.

In a weird twist, Andi left me a VM and said she was around to talk if I needed to, but that she respected my need to go NC for awhile. She said she wanted to work things out and for me to eventually find my way home--and I'm trying to figure out what I would need from her to ever make that happen.

She knows about recent contact with OW, and is surprisingly calm.

I do know that I'm as much to blame as Andi for this whole mess, looking back I realize that I didn't give her a lot of what she needed to feel safe after my Dday and most recently...It's my fault.

IC also suggested I go NC for awhile with our old circle of friends and keep my own counsel.

Still processing.

Those who can't post In my threads know who they are and I respectfully ask they honor that request.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 10:33 PM, May 11th (Tuesday)]

Your IC is giving you great advice. Please follow it.

At the moment, you are in no state to make relationship decisions.

Andi and OW were the Alpha females in the group

This makes some sence of why your AP kept pursuing you. There is/was a rivalry going on between the two of them, and you are now caught in the middle of that game that they are playing.

Take time to extricate yourself from that dynamic, and establish NC with both. If you want to establish any contact later on, then it would be with Andi, and definitely not with your AP.

Sort yourself out first, and use the head on your shoulders to think, not the one between your legs, as that one will get you into way more trouble.

I do hope you will find peace within yourself, as you seem to be lacking in that department. You are still angsty, possibly from the remorse you feel for your A, and you are still at odds with yourself. You need to sort that out first before embarking on any relationship with anyone else.

I think your MC-turned-IC is onto something here.

Going NC with both parties (permanent NC with OW, FYI) is sound advice. You need to concentrate on your own healing, owning your own shit (which you do have shit to own) and figuring out what you want and need in a relationship. Whether Andi can give that to you down the road should not be a concern at this point.

Things you should consider answering:

--Why were you weak? How were you vulnerable to OW? What gave you permission to have a long-term-affair which was a double betrayal?

--What must you own? Certainly OW is selfish, but that doesn't mean you must act in a selfish way, does it? Stop putting the responsibility on other people.

--Where are your failures as a partner, and what new behaviors and perspectives can you learn to be a better partner to anyone, not just Andi.

This is a journey, not a destination. Investing in yourself is the only thing guaranteed to pay off.

Please keep NC with both parties. I see that as vital to your healing and to continuing your self-discovery.

Cat

I think its time you started digging into your why's. It's time you worked on yourself.

You are heavily focused on Andi, what she did,or didn't do. It's time to pull the focus off of her,and put it on yourself.

You said you cheated because you were weak. That's a very "surface-y" reason. Nearly all waywards cheat bevause they're weak,and/or selfish. You need to dig deeper. Hint..it has nothing to do with Andi.

I agree with your IC. Go NC with this group of so called friends. This group is also friends with your wife,knew about the affair, knew about the separation, and couldn't wait to squeal about it to OW,and tell her where you were staying. Those aren't friends. They're people who enjoy setting fires,and watching them burn.

I knew OW told....the first chance she got. She is a toxic individual and she wanted to hurt your wife.

I, too, believe you need NC with both women. To settle things down...and to give you some clarity around your own role in this mess.

I would also ask why was it so important for you to maintain the "status quo"? Wanting to be friends with OW? Talking to OM? Continuing in the same circle of friends? Why was that important?

I hope OW respects your NC request.. but I don't think she will. She didn't when you were married. Now that this has happened what is your plan if she doesn't respect the request?

This makes some sence of why your AP kept pursuing you. There is/was a rivalry going on between the two of them, and you are now caught in the middle of that game that they are playing.

Agreed and this dynamic is going to keep playing out. Just look how quickly word about OW got to Andi and how she reached out you vs how she was when you initiated the separation. I said before that she will feel a pressure to "win" you back to get one over on OW who also probably isn't going to go quietly. You have to keep NC and break the cycle.

I agree with your IC about both relationships being unhealthy but I also think that maybe there is a small chance that R with Andi could be explored after you have healed and moved on. The new and improved MA will be able to speak up for himself and make good decisions even if Andi tries to fall back into unhealthy habits. However, that is a decision for the future MA to make about what he wants.

I think its time you started digging into your why's. It's time you worked on yourself.

You are heavily focused on Andi, what she did,or didn't do. It's time to pull the focus off of her,and put it on yourself.

THIS.

I haven't followed your whole story, but WTH? You both are almost 60 and doing crap like this? You're not adolescents.

Stop the abuse.

leafields,

Troubled marriages come at any age, and you are correct, you do not know the whole story.