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My Wife is Cheating and I'm Glad

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TheWrongOne posted 5/25/2021 09:13 AM

Freeme

How much longer is the contract?

There is about a month of work left to do to get the Certificate of Occupancy. Basically, I will stay with the project until the fire marshal signs off and says that the addition is habitable. I am not staying around for the interior decorating. I will hand the trustees the CofO, and I leave for good. That is it.

The "contract" went out yesterday. It is nothing more than a one page proposal for oversight and management, with language that includes a one time payment of $1. They sign it and I will continue to review the job progress and pay apps from the contractor.

Bigger posted 5/25/2021 09:17 AM

I have come to the conclusion that some women lose respect for their husbands when they end up earning more than the husband does. It must be some kind of primal thing.

Please donít feed the red pill/blue pill fanaticsÖ

You state you carried the family for 20 years. That included the period of her first affair so your theory is shot right there and then. She didnít respect the marriage when she earned less than you, she didnít respect the marriage when she earned more than you.

A very popular theory here on SI (and one I agree with) is that infidelity is never because the BS is lacking. She didnít cheat because of faults in you. She cheated because SHE was lacking. Faults in her. Had you or the marriage been lacking her correct response would be to talk to you and demand change Ė including the possibility of change as divorce. She didnít.

Is your petition based on your attorneys recommendation?
I have questions on some of the factorsÖ
The life-long alimonyÖ I suspect you probably donít have a strong basis for thatÖ Alimony is often based on the receivers earning potential and it doesnít sound like your potential is much lower than hersÖ Historically yours has been higher. I would be willing to barter the threat of life-long alimony in lieu of a larger share of the house. Plus I think itís of great financial and emotional value to have a one-off payment and not have to wait for her checks every month.

Iím also guessing that if you earned more than she for most of the marriage then your 401 is larger. She could make a claim for her share thereÖ Maybe use the LLA to barter there.

Doesnít necessarily matter to the bank/issuer if a card is in your name or hers. They issued the cards when married = the law generally sees a couple as a joint unit. Be 100% certain that IF she keeps her cards then the issuer accepts that old debt is solely her debt.
We have seen instances here where the divorced person simply stops payments on a card that was ďtheirsĒ in the do-it-yourself divorce. If the provided canít collect from the ex they go for you. You can then sue the ex for reimbursement, but at cost and no guarantee of payment.

Thumos posted 5/25/2021 09:18 AM

However the fear of a false abuse charge are not really that great once you have filed. Contrary to common belief here on SI then cops do not automatically assume all charges wife's make are taken at face value.

True enough. On the other hand, I heard about two separate cases this weekend (weirdly enough in a convo at a gathering) in real life that both happened this year in my suburban community. In one case the husband had a VAR; in the other case the husband did not. In the case with the VAR the situation was resolved quickly and no arrests. In the other case the husband spent the weekend in the hoosegow without being able to make bail. Pays to be cautious. It seems word of mouth about men using VARs is beginning to get around, whether in a situation of female infidelity or just in dealing with an unstable wife or girlfriend.

TheWrongOne posted 5/25/2021 09:33 AM

SquirrelFace

I had the exact same thing happen with my xW. Moving up the corporate ladder was all she cared about. It wasn't until her startup company was a going concern did she start her affair.

Damn...

It's obvious she doesn't respect you. But I don't think she thought you were deficient.
I think she thought you were disposable. Utilitarian.

Agreed. Maybe "deficient" was an inaccuracy.

It's clear she, your in-laws, your church all share the same view of your place as being the beast of burden in this relationship to your wife.
Screw that. I applaud you for the way you are handling this. I'm genuinely angry for you.

I think you are dead on here. The amount of entitlement that my FIL has instilled in my wife is staggering.

That man has pretty much ruined my opinion of church pastors. He expects everyone... everyone...to fall in line under him, as if he is king of the world. There is a cultish culture in this church and within my wife's family that is disturbing. Christianity was not meant to be this way.

The apostle Paul went out of his way to serve his followers, to show them that he was as much servient to each of them as he was to God. Modern pastors have lost this sense of humility.

TheWrongOne posted 5/25/2021 09:39 AM

Bigger understand that my attorney asked high. He says he always does this, and then he negotiates down with the other attorney. I do not expect to get lifetime alimony, and I do not want or need her 401k. I have enough to retire, if I ever do, which I don't plan on. I like to work. I like being an engineer. I get a great amount of joy and satisfaction seeing my designs put into structures and buildings. I have seen too many men retire and their lives just fall apart. Not me, I don't want that to happen. I like waking up every day with a purpose.

HouseOfPlane posted 5/25/2021 09:49 AM

Whenever I read these threads where the WS is in denial about divorce, I think of this line of dialog from the movie The Counselor. Not the greatest movie, but some nuggets...

Counselor: Will you help me?

Jefe: I would urge you to see the truth of the situation you're in, Counselor. That is my advice. It is not for me to tell you what you should have done or not done. The world in which you seek to undo the mistakes that you made is different from the world where the mistakes were made. You are now at the crossing. And you want to choose, but there is no choosing there. There's only accepting. The choosing was done a long time ago...

SquirrelFace posted 5/25/2021 09:49 AM

Christianity was not meant to be this way.
No. It's not. It's hard leaving a congregation when the rank and file members are wonderful, but the leadership favors certain groups. Been there before.

There was a Pew Research study that showed there was a significant gender gap of regular Christian church attendance of women over men. It's no mystery some churches will cater to the group that their bread and butter comes from. It will only continue to drive away more men from organized Christianity by treating them poorly.

Marz posted 5/25/2021 10:17 AM

Youíve done a commendable job of keeping this as civil as possible and low key without divulging details.

You have zero control over anyone elseís actions.

Donít sweat what others do.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:18 AM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 5/25/2021 10:23 AM

IMO you deserve some alimony for staying with her 15 years after she cheated the first time.

This should be a good warning to those jumping info R without the proper prerequisites in place. Then ending back in another cheating repeat.

BlueRaspberry posted 5/25/2021 10:26 AM

TheWrongOne,

So now that she is served, what is the next milestone? Is there any mandated mediation? Curious about how long this will take.

Cooley2here posted 5/25/2021 10:27 AM

On this site, and in my life, I have found that when a person is never told ďnoĒ they ratchet up their bad behavior. All these people have been piling on you for years. Itís time to say ďnoĒ. Itís a complete sentence.
Look to see if you are a people pleaser. Are you the middle child? They either blast out or cave in. Donít do either. Just stand your ground. Youíve earned it. Btw, many of us non middle kids are people pleasers. It feels soooo good the first time we say no and donít budge.

TheWrongOne posted 5/25/2021 12:13 PM

Fareast

You are an excellent path to get out of infidelity. Keep it up.

Let me disagree with one statement. Once your WW became CFO and started making a higher salary than you, she may have lost some respect for you. Some people are shallow that way. But losing respect for you or finding you deficient has nothing to do with why she cheated and had her A. Please wipe out those thoughts. She cheated because she is broken and it is part of who she is. What was her excuse 15 years ago? She is a broken person with no moral compass or integrity when it comes to her marriage vows. She cheated because she wanted to do it. Period.

Point taken. Thanks


Butforthegrace

I have a pair of married friends where the wife's career took off to the stratosphere decades ago, the husband eventually becoming a SAHD. They've remained devoted and loyal and are now recently retired, very comfortably, and loving life as a couple. In this couple, the wife is appreciative of the support her husband provided for her highly successful career.

I have another pair where the wife's career took off and she behaved like your WW, as if the BH was beneath her.

In the end, it comes down to character. In couple 1, the wife is a high quality individual with character and morals; in couple 2, not so much.

I agree. Please don't think I was lumping all women together. I have just seen this scenario happen too many times. The wife talks the husband into staying home and being a SAHD, thinking that is what she really wants, when in reality it goes the other direction and she ends up resenting the time he gets to spend with the kids and being the primary earner..

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 12:13 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

TheWrongOne posted 5/25/2021 12:38 PM

And if I am going to be honest with myself, and everyone here, I am pretty sure I lost my respect for my wife fifteen years ago, and I think she felt it and has had to live under that cloud. It is difficult for me to hold a lack of respect for me against her when I probably had none for her.

Cooley2here posted 5/25/2021 12:46 PM

Sometimes relationships are just over, even marriages. At this point I donít think you need to overthink it. Youíre going to move on and so is she. The easier the better for both of you.

The1stWife posted 5/25/2021 13:55 PM

It will only continue to drive away more men from organized Christianity by treating them poorly.

In my (soon to be gone from) church itís a woman senior pastor driving out some of the women she feels threatened by. Or the women who donít believe her lies and nonsense.

rambler posted 5/25/2021 21:27 PM

Given your FIL already came towards you and your wife beating on the door like she did, get some cameras. Better safe than sorry.

TheWrongOne posted 5/26/2021 07:56 AM

I am doing what I need to do to protect myself. All is in place. I have mini VOX recorders set up in the kitchen, living room and common hallway on the first floor. I keep one on me.

Well, the tsunami of do-gooders began their barrage. It's amazing how quickly word spreads through a congregation. People that rarely talk to me are all of a sudden really, really interested in my marriage. I caught my wife when she got home last night and showed her all the texts and phone calls. I told her she better start making some calls to people and getting this crap under control or she and her sin would be exposed to the church family in a very unflattering way. I'm not putting up with this crap from her friends and supporters.

She couldn't even look at me. Just nodded her head and went upstairs. The shame is building.

Cooley2here posted 5/26/2021 08:32 AM

That sounds more like a cult than a church. My husband was born into the Baptist Faith and moved out of it at 13. He said he got sick and tired of people raising hell and being sinners all week and going to church on Sunday and thinking one hour was going to fix them. Thatís not the way it happens.

Anyway, what exactly do they think theyíre going to get you to do? You must have been the best member of the congregation that has ever step foot in that church for them to all be piling on you.

Or they got way too much grunt work out of you and hate to see you leave because itís gonna cost them money. Can you tell Iím just a little bit cynical?

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:33 AM, May 26th (Wednesday)]

Bigger posted 5/26/2021 08:41 AM

More drama.
Remember: Remove drama.

This is precisely why I suggested you move to the divorce forum.

Thumos posted 5/26/2021 09:00 AM

I echo Biggerís advice about moving to the D/S forum ó for one thing it will move you mentally to a different place. For another you can seek some practical advice on next steps. I have a couple of practical thoughts:

1. Can you immediately rent a POD and start putting most of your personal stuff in storage that you donít want her messing around with?

2. That would then lead to step #2 (which you need to check with your attorney on to make sure it wonít complicate property rights and selling the house). But it might be beneficial for you to move into a nearby Airbnb for a few weeks to provide physical and therapeutic separation for you. That would also cut down on the drama.

3. Before moving into a temp Airbnb could you take a few days off out of town somewhere for a mini vacation by yourself? Look at drives within 4-8 hours of you and go to some town with a couple of nice historical attractions or something. Or a cabin in the woods.

With your most of your stuff safely in storage and you in an Airbnb you could be away from the potential for needless confrontations and discussions. It would also let you relearn living minimally and being comfortable by yourself.

I had researched this for myself last year. Gives you a temporary landing spot, a sense of independence and signals to your brain you are entering a new and better phase of life.

I donít think living together in that house is going to be healthy for very much longer. Just some thoughts.

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