Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Just Found Out :
My Wife is Cheating and I'm Glad

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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 3:05 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Well, the tsunami of do-gooders began their barrage. It's amazing how quickly word spreads through a congregation. People that rarely talk to me are all of a sudden really, really interested in my marriage.

Probably more nosy than anything. Ignore them.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8662760
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WalkingHome ( member #72857) posted at 3:09 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

It’s a big mistake to let your WW tell the story of why you are divorcing. This will end very badly for you as her father will tell lies and she will cry, painting you as evil and abusive.

She is blatantly dishonest...trusting her to tell people why you are divorcing will hurt you in the end.

There is no downside to giving a simple “she was repeatedly unfaithful “ explanation.

posts: 216   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2020   ·   location: USA
id 8662764
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 3:13 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

3. Before moving into a temp Airbnb could you take a few days off out of town somewhere for a mini vacation by yourself? Look at drives within 4-8 hours of you and go to some town with a couple of nice historical attractions or something. Or a cabin in the woods.

Amen

I just recently took a 10 day car trip where I didn't decide where I was staying that night until that afternoon (pandemics aren't all bad...plenty of hotel rooms). Out to Colorado then back via a northern route. Stopped here and there, hit brew pubs, went hiking. It was awesome. Just a pandemic decompress, but it'd work even better for you.

Highly recommend it.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2722   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8662766
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 TheWrongOne (original poster member #78753) posted at 3:27 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

I’m not leaving my house. I run my business out of my house.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8662769
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 3:50 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

It's been stated clearly before that you run your business out of your house and are not leaving it.

Apparently the drama is confined to JFO and the drama queens who post here. Moving to the Divorce Forum will do nothing to cease the church drama. It will still happen and may escalate before easing off and ceasing.

Post where you want. You've got a thread going here. If you're comfortable continuing here do so. People post in several forums.

You want input on divorcing, great. I'll give you some. However, I'm not a lawyer. I don't live in the jurisdiction you live in. Keep running things past your lawyer as you have been doing.

I agree that allowing your WW to run the narrative with the church folk could end up painting a very bad picture of you. Maybe that doesn't matter. It would bather me that my reputation has been smeared but the call is yours.

Good luck, sir, as you progress and post here or elsewhere on SI. Strength of mind and clarity of thought.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4662   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8662770
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 TheWrongOne (original poster member #78753) posted at 4:04 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

I don't really care anymore what the church family thinks of me. I have wasted enough emotional energy on that place. I will satisfy the agreement I made with the pastor regarding the construction project and then I'm out.

I told my wife that if she had any inkling of making me out to be the villain she better think twice. There are lots of people who are unaware of her history. She knows I mean business so I don't think she will spin anything. She will play the sad divorcee, get sympathy, but she won't blame me directly. Word will eventually leak out as to what she did.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8662773
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 4:14 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

I’m not leaving my house. I run my business out of my house.

I missed that. The house is a trigger for me so I have my own filter. Good luck as you proceed. Hopefully she will get out soon and move in with her parents or whatever and give you some space. I think physical separation where you don’t have to keep encountering her will be a lot easier for you.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49Married: Feb. 1996DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4249   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8662777
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CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 4:40 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

And if I am going to be honest with myself, and everyone here, I am pretty sure I lost my respect for my wife fifteen years ago, and I think she felt it and has had to live under that cloud. It is difficult for me to hold a lack of respect for me against her when I probably had none for her.

And this is why rugsweeping doesn't work. Neither person can just pretend that adultery didn't happen. It is possible to R and build trust again, if the work is done. But what resulted from the poor decisions years ago are the consequences of those choices. And yes, it sucks to live that way.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 115   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8662790
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gemini12 ( new member #78670) posted at 4:48 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

I told my wife that if she had any inkling of making me out to be the villain she better think twice. There are lots of people who are unaware of her history. She knows I mean business so I don't think she will spin anything. She will play the sad divorcee, get sympathy, but she won't blame me directly. Word will eventually leak out as to what she did.

It's good to hear you say that. Going on my experience only, my ex tried to paint me as the bad guy. She even went as far to insinuate I cheated on her. Unbelievable. I didn't stand for it and sent copies of her texts between herself and her AP to the people she was lying to. She stopped her narrative immediately. And I got apologies from the folks she lied to.

I hope you don't have to do that but be prepared in case she sets you up to be the bad guy.

All the best going forward.

posts: 47   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2021
id 8662791
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ramius ( member #44750) posted at 4:49 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

I told my wife that if she had any inkling of making me out to be the villain she better think twice. There are lots of people who are unaware of her history. She knows I mean business so I don't think she will spin anything. She will play the sad divorcee, get sympathy, but she won't blame me directly. Word will eventually leak out as to what she did.

Is she aware of the fact that you have hard evidence of her most recent affair?

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8662792
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 5:14 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Daddy Warbucks (who thinks he sits at the right hand side of God) will probably stick his nose into this but you are correct these people mean nothing to you and your future.

A normal person would understand this situation but from what I’ve seen you aren’t dealing with people that are that bright. Daddy probably thinks all he has to do is quote a few scriptures and everyone will rally to his princess.

Just move on as quick as possible.

It will be annoying but your time would be better spent looking at your future. What you want going forward and planning that out.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8662804
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 TheWrongOne (original poster member #78753) posted at 5:23 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

ramius

Is she aware of the fact that you have hard evidence of her most recent affair?

Yes. I gave her a rundown of all the pics of her and OM at the hotel on three different days, receipts, text logs, text transcripts, call logs, emails... the whole enchilada. It is my H bomb, hung off the bottom of a B-29 parked on Tinian, ready for launch if she gets nasty. She knows me well. She knows I will bomb her Nagasaki. She knows that things could get publicly pornographic for her and OM very quickly if she gets smart.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8662807
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 5:33 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

TheWrongOne,

Not sure if you've discussed this with your lawyer, but is there any chance you could use the H-Bomb as a negotiating tactic in the divorce settlement? Perhaps you could offer to sign an NDA regarding the materials you've collected in exchange for full lifetime alimony. Your wife seems very self absorbed, so she may be interested in trying to protect her reputation.

posts: 219   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8662810
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smolderingdark ( member #64064) posted at 5:50 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

I told my wife that if she had any inkling of making me out to be the villain she better think twice. There are lots of people who are unaware of her history. She knows I mean business so I don't think she will spin anything. She will play the sad divorcee, get sympathy, but she won't blame me directly. Word will eventually leak out as to what she did.

Ready your flash drives of evidence for dispersal. She will likely call your "bluff" and attempt to villainize you to any that will listen.

This will unlikely be any different from your recent experience of telling her you are divorcing her. You were very clear at your coffee shop meeting. What was the outcome? She tried her version of an intervention with her parents as support - fail. Also tries to drag your son into it and that backfires. She is caught off guard when news reached her of your departure from the church. She is further surprised when you called her to advise when and where she is being served.

The true reality of any situation is not the strong suit of the narcissist. They will always believe they have the upper hand, that they are smarter and that you will not follow through. She continues to operate under the erroneous belief that she will get the situation under "control" to her satisfaction.

From my own personal experience... Family business was just starting out and my in-laws were looking for any break they could find. I worked without pay as did my in-laws and their plan was to claim otherwise - payroll fraud. I had no desire to participate and made clear to my narcissistic ex wife that if her family followed through I would report them to spare myself any difficulty. Sure enough I receive my tax slip and they had indeed claimed to have paid me. Sure enough I followed through and my ex-in-laws had their financial pants pulled down.

Long story short - your wife will doubt your resolve and desire to follow through every step of your divorce. Don't waste your time attempting to use your evidence as leverage. Deploy as necessary and keep her off balance and busy trying to salvage her precious image and reputation.

Narcissistic people "negotiate" when the terms are one sided and in their favor.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 12:00 PM, May 26th (Wednesday)]

posts: 130   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8662812
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 7:04 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Or daddy who has God on his side will step in.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8662837
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leftbroken ( member #53741) posted at 8:27 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

TWO, I'm just curious, from what you are seeing, is she accepting this or not?

there has been no real comments from you regarding whether she has been begging for another chance, no declarations of remorse, no attempt at love bombing.

So just wondering where she seems to be at with all of this?

our lives are a novel and we its authors, if you don't like the plot only you can change it.

posts: 117   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2016   ·   location: Calgary, AB
id 8662855
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pearlamici ( member #67631) posted at 8:51 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

She did try to “explain” saying she’d answer any question etc. OP shut that down immediately. This was her second chance and she blew it.

~Bad marriages don’t cause affairs. Affairs cause bad marriages.~

posts: 437   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2018   ·   location: NY
id 8662861
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 10:40 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Perhaps you could offer to sign an NDA regarding the materials you've collected in exchange for full lifetime alimony.

I would caution against this. Family court judges are not thrilled with this kind of legal maneuvering. Lifetime alimony is a shoot high-aim low strategy that is totally sound. Contractually securing that under threat of disclosure of injurious materials is very questionable and appear vindictive. Vindictive behavior can undermine your case.

Something to consider, lifetime alimony could bring a lifetime of bitter resentment from your ExWW and a lifetime of headaches and toxicity hindering everyone from just moving on healthfully. Just something to think about.

I believe the verbal agreement you have made with your ExWW to keep family matters contained or else, is sufficient.

You're doing great. Stay the course.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 4:54 PM, May 26th (Wednesday)]

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8662892
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 10:52 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Something to consider, lifetime alimony could bring a lifetime of bitter resentment from your ExWW and a lifetime of headaches and toxicity hindering everyone from just moving on healthfully. Just something to think about.

No young kids. No reason to have any contact at all. I would not worry about the x or her family. Especially after being railroaded by them the first time she cheated.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8662896
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 10:58 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Something to consider, lifetime alimony could bring a lifetime of bitter resentment from your ExWW and a lifetime of headaches and toxicity

Alimony keeps my sister connected to her ex.

The money is nice, but it keeps her connected to the ex, and gives him some element of control. That's not nice.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2722   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8662898
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