Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
My Wife is Cheating and I'm Glad

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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 10:15 PM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

I'd out your wife, her deception has gone on for 15 years.

I don't know man, shouldn't a religious community be interested in the truth?

You haven't made any missteps though, so I don't blame you for proceeding as you think best. I reckon you think revealing her infidelity at this point will just slow you down and mire you in drama.

Carry on, strength.

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8662322
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 10:16 PM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

“I like my wife the way I like my coffee. Without another man’s penis in it.”

Dude, you win the internet today. I laughed out loud.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8662323
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 11:28 PM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

I just caught something in her response to you and I don't think I'm reading too much into it:

"Please!"

Instead of ...

"Please?"

Or

"Please can't we talk?"

Also, her "This isn't what I want" is very much reminiscent of the self-involved Fredo from The Godfather movies.

Her "Please!" had the quality of a narcissist's imperative, rather than humble pleading.

Anyway, for what it's worth.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8662339
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 11:29 PM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

No I am not doing any more of that. I hired a P.I. to get me all I need to prove to myself and my wife and her family that I was not crazy. I have the evidence in several flash drives that are in a secure place. All it will take is a threat from one of her family and several people may find a flash drive sent to them via courier. But that is my ace in the hole.

No, I'm done with the sleuthing and running around.

Your instincts are correct. Sever the ties that bind. All of them. Be done.

The VAR, on the other hand, is for your protection, to be carried on your own person. Please do that. It's cheap insurance and completely legal.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:30 PM, May 24th (Monday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8662340
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trexor92 ( New Member #74477) posted at 12:36 AM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Wronged one, You don't have to do this if you don't want to but could you go into more detail about what your son said to your wife over the phone?

posts: 4   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2020
id 8662359
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rambler ( Member #43747) posted at 3:35 AM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

It is perfectly legal to install a video security system. Protect yourself.

Given your son found out from his aunt years ago, it is safe to assume plenty of people know of your wife's previous infidelity.

My guess other people she works with suspect the current affair. The divorce will confirm it.

making it through

posts: 1255   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8662381
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BindassBP ( Member #75283) posted at 8:42 AM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

So I tell them "Looks are deceiving."

Right they are.

And if the OM caught wind of the situation, he must be shitting bricks right now.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2020
id 8662404
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 11:54 AM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Forgive me if you've said this already, but is the AP and his BOW also part of the same church community?

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8662423
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 12:40 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

I have to say after reading about how the Friday "intervention" confrontation went I have a better idea why you folded 15 years ago. You had been dropping little hints about how blind her parents were, the church was, your WW was to the impact an affair makes... Yeah, that conversations with her parents sure made that clear. The fact that they could even try to pressure you into staying married after this second affair is crazy. I mean shouldn't they feel ashamed? And your WW pulling her son into it? She knew he knew the reason for the affair, and this was her second...

You know all that. The fact that she was still questioning it when she got the papers??? Delusional?

Anyway, just wanted to tell you how proud I am for how you handled it. You are an very strong person. You were very prepared. You are going to do fine.

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8662430
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 12:41 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Strength TWO but you kind of new this was going to happen.

Be there for yourself and son. You can be the rock 🪨 but help STBX accept the fact the damage she has do is just that. She caused the damage. FIL and MIL contributed to some of her issues, supporting their daughter by not making her accountable.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8662431
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 1:08 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

There is too much drama here.

Last time I checked there were two main participants in a marriage. In fact one could argue that the main reason for your will to divorce was your WW addition of a third person within what are normally the boundaries of the marriage.

Don’t involve other people.

What her mom says and wants: Irrelevant.

What her dad says and wants: Irrelevant.

What your son says and wants: Irrelevant (btw – you two BOTH need to stop involving him in this!)

What the guy on the fourth pew at church says and wants: Irrelevant.

What the Church wants… guess what? Irrelevant.

In fact – the very reason you decide to use to divorce your wife…. Irrelevant.

All that matters is that you want a divorce. In fact – based on your first posts – I get a sense that even if your wife hadn’t been cheating this time you would want a divorce. Like you say: you are glad she cheated because that was the kick needed for you to decide if this was even worth it any more.

What is relevant is what your wife wants. Not that she can prevent a divorce, but her actions can impact the speed and the ease of a settlement. She can delay all answers and such, but that’s why you have an attorney. His job is to keep the pressure on her to keep the process going.

Since divorce is regulated by State laws and precedent her chances of screwing you or getting more than she’s entitled are mainly based on you having a realistic overview of your marriages debts and assets and a good understanding of the process. If you have both you can ensure a fair deal no matter how close your FIL thinks he is close to the Creator. After all, as someone that really was close to the Creator once said: "Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and unto God the things that are God's"

Focus on THAT.

Does either of you want the house after divorce? Do you plan on buying her share or will she get yours in lieu of some other monies? If you want out then start the inevitable process of getting it valued and prepared for market. If she wants it then ask your attorney about how you can move out and get some acceptable temporary residence. Start the inevitable process of separating your lives. The quicker you can physically separate and avoid possible interaction the better.

I think the suggestion to have a VAR on hand is a good one. However the fear of a false abuse charge are not really that great once you have filed. Contrary to common belief here on SI then cops do not automatically assume all charges wife's make are taken at face value. With your length of marriage, no former charges or visits to the ER and given you initiated the divorce she would have to create some heavy scenario to be taken seriously.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8662440
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MorbidCuriosity ( New Member #74928) posted at 2:33 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Hooboy. Spaceghost v2. This is gold.

I am glad you are well into the stage where you are indifferent. This is the "sit back and enjoy the show stage". Everything that happens from this point onward only contributes to your healing. In terms of psyche and lifestyle.

posts: 49   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2020
id 8662457
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 2:35 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Bigger everything you said was completely correct. And for what it is worth I did send a text to my wife telling her to keep our son out of this. I think she will anyways after the teardown he gave her Sunday. I told her all she is doing is driving a deeper wedge between her and our son. Believe me when I say I am trying my best to shield him. Again though, he is an adult and what he does without my consent is something I have no control over.

As for the church, I have told those in authority all they need to know about my situation. No, I did not reveal my wife's affair to the congregation, and I do not plan to. I don't need that group of do-gooders swarming in to do marriage rescue... shoving books in my face and wanting me to go to seminars. I have a business to run, a house to sell and a divorce to get finalized.

The wife did call me yesterday from her office (well, I assume her office) at around 8:00 p.m. and she was furious about the alimony. I let her rant and said "Sorry you feel that way. You should probably get a lawyer to look at that." I repeated her complaints back to her so she knows I understood what she said and then told her goodnight. Followed the 180 best as I could. I don't know when she is coming back to the house. She still has the bulk of all her clothes and shoes and belongings here so it is clear to me she has no intention of moving out. That's fine, I will just stay sequestered.

Looking back, I think the worm turned when she got her promotion to CFO in 2019. Immediately, almost over night, her salary doubled and she went to making a good 50% more than me. I thought we were going to be on easy street. But I think this is when she lost respect for me. You know, the guy who worked his ass off to put her through college? The guy who stayed with her after she screwed him over the first time and then supported the household while she got her MBA?

I have come to the conclusion that some women lose respect for their husbands when they end up earning more than the husband does. It must be some kind of primal thing. Because for twenty plus years I carried this family on my back, like a dutiful husband and father should. My wife and son wanted for nothing: we went on fun vacations, traveled Europe, did all the things that a middle class family hopes to get to do. Then when she starts making more money, she gets it in her head that somehow I am deficient.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8662459
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 2:45 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

The divorce petition is fairly simple. Here are my requests:

1) Lifetime alimony for a set sum that brings me up to exactly 50% of our combined salaries for 2020, cancelable upon my remarriage, but only if she takes me back to court on a petition to modify alimony.

2) Sale of the house and split the equity after taxes.

3) She gets to keep her 401K, I get to keep mine.

4) She gets her car along with its remaining payments, I get mine with its remaining payments.

5) She pays her debts, I pay mine. (We have separate credit cads).

6) We split our joint CD and money market accounts.

7) We have a mutual fund that matures in 2028 which will be split between us at time of maturity.

That's the petition in a nutshell.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8662461
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 2:54 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Let that call about the alimony roll off your back. You've done quite a bit so that she could "earn" that salary plus you stayed faithful.

You also might want to reconsider (if it hasn't been signed) the contract you were making with the church. You are doing a good thing for them but I think it's going to end up biting you in the butt. It seems like it's keeping you typed to that church, those people, and that family. I would be easier to detach yourself from all of it and I fear your WW and her family will manipulate the people and the church to their benefit.

How much longer is the contract?

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8662466
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Walkthestorm ( New Member #72157) posted at 2:55 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

I earn more than my husband. We lived on my salery for two years while he was doing his masters. Never in our relationship have I ever looked down upon him for earning less. On the contrary, I look at him with pride that he is a devoted husband, father and son who is a hard worker that gives his all when he sets his mind to it. I don't think your wife lost respect for you because she started earning more. Chances are she got addicted to power being in a CFO position. Not uncommon for powerful people (men and women)to have this grandios view of themselves making them cut from reality and entitled.

Hang in there!! If you can take a small vacation, go visit your son or just spend some time just to give yourself a mental rest.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8662468
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jinkazama ( Member #61319) posted at 2:59 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

So TheWrongOne

You are saying that she never actually apologized

This whole time since dday of 2nd affair.

I am just wondering that did she had any other affairs in these 15 years because clearly she was never remorseful.

posts: 265   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2017
id 8662470
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 3:02 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

You are an excellent path to get out of infidelity. Keep it up.

Let me disagree with one statement. Once your WW became CFO and started making a higher salary than you, she may have lost some respect for you. Some people are shallow that way. But losing respect for you or finding you deficient has nothing to do with why she cheated and had her A. Please wipe out those thoughts. She cheated because she is broken and it is part of who she is. What was her excuse 15 years ago? She is a broken person with no moral compass or integrity when it comes to her marriage vows. She cheated because she wanted to do it. Period.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2795   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8662472
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 3:07 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

I have come to the conclusion that some women lose respect for their husbands when they end up earning more than the husband does. It must be some kind of primal thing. Because for twenty plus years I carried this family on my back, like a dutiful husband and father should. My wife and son wanted for nothing: we went on fun vacations, traveled Europe, did all the things that a middle class family hopes to get to do. Then when she starts making more money, she gets it in her head that somehow I am deficient.

I have a pair of married friends where the wife's career took off to the stratosphere decades ago, the husband eventually becoming a SAHD. They've remained devoted and loyal and are now recently retired, very comfortably, and loving life as a couple. In this couple, the wife is appreciative of the support her husband provided for her highly successful career.

I have another pair where the wife's career took off and she behaved like your WW, as if the BH was beneath her.

In the end, it comes down to character. In couple 1, the wife is a high quality individual with character and morals; in couple 2, not so much.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8662475
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SquirrelFace ( New Member #52946) posted at 3:12 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

I have come to the conclusion that some women lose respect for their husbands when they end up earning more than the husband does. It must be some kind of primal thing. Because for twenty plus years I carried this family on my back, like a dutiful husband and father should. My wife and son wanted for nothing: we went on fun vacations, traveled Europe, did all the things that a middle class family hopes to get to do. Then when she starts making more money, she gets it in her head that somehow I am deficient.

I had the exact same thing happen with my xW. Moving up the corporate ladder was all she cared about. It wasn't until her startup company was a going concern did she start her affair.

It's obvious she doesn't respect you. But I don't think she thought you were deficient.

I think she thought you were disposable. Utilitarian.

It's clear she, your in-laws, your church all share the same view of your place as being the beast of burden in this relationship to your wife.

Screw that. I applaud you for the way you are handling this. I'm genuinely angry for you.

posts: 42   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2016
id 8662476
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