In my experience a WS isn't actually confused. They could say what they feel but it would reveal them plainly to be selfish.
First, I am a WW. I have done a lot of work on myself and I am still married today.
I do disagree about confusion. I was very, very confused. Affairs are very illogical, a lot of justifications are at play due to cognitive dissonance, and there is actually a good article here in the healing library about how "the fog" is nothing more than the fact a WS does this self-brainwashing.
An affair often starts on a slippery slope of opportunity and vulnerability. I wasn't too much older than your wife when I had the affair. The vulnerability I was experiencing was a few different things but there was for certain a mid-life crisis in play. People roll their eyes at mid-life crisis, but for those who have had one it's a real thing, and it's very much a crisis.
The crisis made me very depressed and unstable. That's not why I had an affair at all. I had one because that's what I chose. BUT, the reason I chose it was I was under the false impression that I was unhappy because I was married. I blamed my husband rather than really taking responsibility for that. So, when this other person was around making me feel good about myself, I didn't understand it was making me high on my own brain chemicals. I started feeling better, bolder, and I gave this man credit for that.
Affairs are addictive to some people. Any time no contact is broken - whether it's directly (talking, seeing them) or indirectly (looking at their social media, thinking about them in postive ways, etc) the addiction is fed. Without those things, depression rears it's ugly head in full force and after going back and forth for a while, it reinforces AP GOOD, Spouse bad.
A crack addict can't be cured while they are still smoking the crack pipe.
And, when you play the pick me dance, they are given the leeway to keep doing what they want with no consequences. You can't nice them out of an addiction.
Read about limerance on wikipedia. People think it's infatuation, it's not. It's a different, darker state of being than that. I had to have treatment for OCD because there are properties to this that are similiar to OCD.
There were a few things that helped me along the way. One, the AP was caught and dropped me like a hot potato. So, NC wasn't a choice or something I had to maintain. Secondly, my husband held his boundaries. He was never mean, but he certainly did not play the pick me dance. He showed me that I would lose him. That's a scary thing to do as a BS. I had to do that in return years later. I had the benefit of having done enough work to know I had to make myself happy and how, and that I could heal and divorce and it would work out. In other words, I had time to not feel invested in either outcome.
There needs to be requirements that she meets, and your boundaries around that need to be strong. Read the 180 in the healing library for some information about detaching.
Eventually I could see that I had projected onto the AP who I wanted him to be. That in reality he was not a caring person, he was a selfish person who didn't care about me. He was willing to blow up my world to get what he wanted. The therapist made me do a list about things I liked about the AP, I made it. Then she said "Now write on the other side the proof you have of that". Crickets.
I could have written volumes on my H.
I also want to say I have read both the books that were mentioned, the rising strong and how to help your spouse heal. I do not think they are at all at cross hairs with each other. She just doesn't want to feel bad about what she has done. That's very common, not facing what you did allows you to keep the highs of the affair going. If you have to face reality, it's a downer. She wants to be high.
And, you want a safe spouse. She needs to know you are not okay with sharing her. She needs to feel the natural consequences of her behavior.
You could lose her either way, but I agree with the others, I think your chances of losing her are higher with this pick me dance advice. Hope that helps. Happy to answer further questions if I can help.