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The journey to acceptance

dogcopter posted 4/22/2021 08:46 AM

I'm finally doing better. I'm coming to the place of acceptance now. It's a scary and unfamiliar place. It's a sad place where I mourn what could have been. It's a happy place where I look forward to what can be.

It took me five years to come to this place and ask for a dissolution. I now accept that I can't change her. I now accept that she has not offered (with actions) to change herself. And I accept that her current behavior is not acceptable to me.

I had to cross through denial and bargaining to get here. Sometimes I wasn't sure where I was or which I was in... It was very confusing here.

I got very close to the land of anger. Sometimes it's rolling lava bursts lit up the sky in deep red. And I felt the resentment building inside me... Physically felt tension inside my chest and limbs as anger built.

Most of the time, though, I walked through a deep dark trench of depression. I was tempted to curl up and die here. And sometimes I stopped moving. Sometimes I gave up only to change my mind and keep moving.

Around the place of acceptance is a mountain of pain. Every rock is sharp, painful, unforgiving. It's desolate and empty. I looked for months for a way around it, support group, friends, posts on reddit and SI. But in the end I had to walk it alone and there is no avoiding it.

I'm not completely through that, not by a long stretch. But somewhere along the way I crossed the boundary into the place of acceptance. Every step still hurts, but I'm on the far side now I believe. I see small signs of life, things that used to make me happy, they're in color now.

And I wanted to tell you that you can get there too. Nobody can walk it for you, there are no shortcuts. And it will take as long as it takes (despite what anyone tells you) But the journey is finite and you are strong.

You will make it.

[This message edited by dogcopter at 8:49 AM, April 22nd (Thursday)]

OwningItNow posted 4/22/2021 10:51 AM

You are so right, but it is a painful journey that many don't even want to admit they are on. ("I will never accept what happened!!!")

I do think that for those who D, you walk two paths--one to accept the cheating and betrayal and the other to accept the loss of your M. Both carry their own seemingly endless grief, but it does end. Eventually. It lifts 0.5% at a time, in such small increments that you are not even sure it is happening. It is agonizingly slow. And then one day, when the percentages have added up enough in your life, you admit it to yourself. "Holy crap, I am actually starting to feel better!" It's a great feeling to know you are on the downside of the mountain. Yes, there is work to do, but you can finally see and feel the progress. And the gleaming, shiny hope that is living inside you.

So happy for you, Dogcopter. May each day feel better and all your dreams be realized. You deserve it.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:53 AM, April 22nd (Thursday)]

Bonetired posted 4/22/2021 11:22 AM

Happy for you too dogkopter.I have nothing to add to this just wanted to let you know we are happy for you.You and the other poster are excellent writers and I am afraid I would only embarrass myself if I try.

dogcopter posted 4/22/2021 19:36 PM

Thanks guys. I think you are right. Accepting the betrayal is hard. I think this is because it's so unilateral and one person doesn't have any control over it.

Thanks bonetired. But, I think your posts are not only insightful, but funny as well.

Adira posted 4/22/2021 19:59 PM

I'm coming to the place of acceptance now. It's a scary and unfamiliar place. It's a sad place where I mourn what could have been. It's a happy place where I look forward to what can be.
It took me five years to come to this place and ask for a dissolution. I now accept that I can't change her. I now accept that she has not offered (with actions) to change herself. And I accept that her current behavior is not acceptable to me.

I had to cross through denial and bargaining to get here. Sometimes I wasn't sure where I was or which I was in... It was very confusing here.

I got very close to the land of anger. Sometimes it's rolling lava bursts lit up the sky in deep red. And I felt the resentment building inside me... Physically felt tension inside my chest and limbs as anger built.

Most of the time, though, I walked through a deep dark trench of depression. I was tempted to curl up and die here. And sometimes I stopped moving. Sometimes I gave up only to change my mind and keep moving.

Around the place of acceptance is a mountain of pain. Every rock is sharp, painful, unforgiving. It's desolate and empty. I looked for months for a way around it, support group, friends, posts on reddit and SI. But in the end I had to walk it alone and there is no avoiding it.

You read my mind. It's a dark, lonely road out here.

grubs posted 4/22/2021 20:16 PM

Dogcopter,
You've come to acceptance faster than most. Much faster than I expected from a Bengals fan. Keep walking your journey. The other side will be here sooner than you think.

dogcopter posted 4/22/2021 20:46 PM

You've come to acceptance faster than most. Much faster than I expected from a Bengals fan

Well played sir, well played.

Actually, as stubborn as I was, I had to arrive at acceptance before asking for a dissolution. I tried everything to avoid it. When the last wall finally fell, it was all over...

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