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Wife hid her OP's Broken NC

MyAndI posted 4/21/2021 23:05 PM

As I told you all back in February, my wife was irritated that I was friendly to her OM in a chance encounter at the store.

In MC the other night MH-wife finally told me that her OP broke NC several days prior to that encounter. She had plenty of time to tell me, and I had kept my promise to tell her the second my OP ever contacted me.

I was actually not upset at first that she didn't tell me, but her explanation ticked me off royally. She went back to the same old argument that her A was just an indulgence, that it meant no more to her than getting caught masturbating to porn, she again turned her anger at me insisting my 3-year LTA was a revenge A.

But I wasn't as mad as the marriage counselor. She ripped into my wife "for wasting everyone's time" with her refusal to accept her part in turning our marriage on its head.

The MC also said she was no longer interested in working with my wife unless she was determined to make progress.

"I cant't help the both of you if one of you refuses to budge," she said.

I found myself sticking up for my wife because the MC was quite direct and treated her as if she was a failure. I said we would certainly go elsewhere if she no longer wanted to see us and she agreed to discharge us as her clients.

It was an odd drive home, quiet for almost half the 45-minute trip. When my wife spoke she said she thought the MC didn't like her. She said she wanted to try and find another MC, but she wanted it to be a man. She said she didn't like the way the MC was gravitating to me, and showing little respect towards her.....WTF? I always thought the MC was fair and even handed with us and she put me in my place many times when I wasn't doing the hard work. I said she could go ahead and find a new MC of her choice. I doesn't matter, I just want to get us to a clearing where can get to the new normal, whatever that is, as long as it's healthy for us.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 11:14 PM, April 21st (Wednesday)]

Lostgirl410 posted 4/21/2021 23:09 PM

Have you considered both of you spending a good bit of time with separate, reputable ICs before you revisit MC? There's no better time than the present.

MyAndI posted 4/21/2021 23:12 PM

We were seeing this MC separately as well. So maybe we can make that same arrangement with the new MC. I'll do anything at this point.

Lostgirl410 posted 4/21/2021 23:20 PM

If you're willing to do anything, then I highly recommend separate ICs. A shared MC has different goals, and is still ultimately focused on the overall marriage.

It might be a good idea for each of you to find someone whose investment is to help you become independently healthy, and then come together to work on the marriage once you've both reached the point where that will be most productive. You can continue to focus on your marriage as a couple while you're both in IC, and then when you find a good MC, you will both be in a better place going into it.

ff4152 posted 4/22/2021 02:25 AM

Perhaps Iím not understanding but it almost seems as if youíre buying this argument that your wife is pushing about her A. She is minimizing her A thus essentially being dismissive of your pain.

prissy4lyfe posted 4/22/2021 07:03 AM

Or it sounds like she is following your lead.

You didn't think it was big deal to speak to her AP

You didn't think it was an issue to be friends with your AP.

I am really wondering what you want. Amd I wonder did you explain all of the above mentioned to your MC...becuase honestly the MC shouldn't want to work with either of you. Since neither of you seem to be making progress.

Your wife is wrong....and so are you. You are no better than her when it comes to rationalizations, defensiveness and dismissiveness of the pain that you both have caused each other and the HUGE amount of damage you both have done to your marriage

Neither of you is ready for MC....you both have a MASSIVE MASSIVE amount of work to do internally.

fooled13years posted 4/22/2021 08:07 AM

MyAndI,
You titled this thread

Wife hid her OP's Broken NC
and then you state
She had plenty of time to tell me

I am not any type of expert in regards to reconciliation but it seems that the first thing that should be done is removing any secrets.
I'll do anything at this point
Might this start with establishing ground rules and boundaries and then holding each other accountable to the same?
I just want to get us to a clearing where can get to the new normal, whatever that is
I am afraid that what you are experiencing may be your new normal and don't see that changing unless both of you are willing to do the hard work.
as long as it's healthy for us

I am unqualified to state what is going to be healthy for the two of you. I think you two are the only ones who can truly answer what is going to ultimately be healthy for both of you and the marriage.

Good luck.

HellFire posted 4/22/2021 08:16 AM

I agree with Prissy.

You want to be friends with your AP,and you were very upset that your wife wouldn't just forgive,and forget,and be buddies with her again.

You were friendly with her AP,which greatly upset your wife.

Both of these things sent your wife a message. That it's ok to be friends with the AP,and contact is no big deal.

Odd how it's different when it comes to her,and her AP.

Your wife is absolutely wrong not to acknowledge that her affair was an affair. She is wrong to minimize what she has done,and the pain it has caused. She has a lot of work to do.

You have a lot of work to do as well. But, you can't want to be friends with your AP,and friendly with her AP, then get mad when she follows your lead. It's unfair.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:17 AM, April 22nd (Thursday)]

Chaos posted 4/22/2021 08:23 AM

I'm having a hard time offering anything.

Reading your posts is like reading a long sorted story of "do as I say not as I do" and then getting mad when the mirror is turned.

It reads like someone saying "oh yeah - you did this so I did this and now everyone mad at me so I'm going to turn it on you because you started it and if you didn't do this I wouldn't do this if you didn't do it first I wouldn't do it worse and and and and....." It exhausting.

You BOTH had affairs. You BOTH have a shit ton of personal healing and growth to do. And you BOTH seem to have different sets of "rules".

Right now you are both engaging in a toxic dance of affair/AP oneupmanshipping.

Unless your respective APs are metaphorically dead to both of you - neither of your healing journeys can really begin.

BraveSirRobin posted 4/22/2021 08:33 AM

I'm sorry, MyAndI. I would be pretty damn furious in your shoes. Broken, hidden NC is a big deal in my book, as is minimization and blameshifting. If it wasn't a big deal, then why not tell you? That was my M.O. -- act like something was too inconsequential to disclose and then guard the secret like the Crown Jewels. Her thinking still sounds wayward and avoidant, and finding a male therapist who will be nicer to her is not a healthy solution. Kindly, your WW needed that kick in the ass, and white knighting her is not going to help.

Although I'll continue to insist that your actions are your own, I think most madhatters, especially second strike MH, understand that there's some complexity here. My husband would not have ended up naked with OW#2 if I hadn't been naked first with OM. He just wouldn't. She was there to bandage a hole that my A shot through his belly. He also wouldn't have been there if he didn't make the conscious choice to do it. It's not like I asked her out and took their clothes off. He could have gone to therapy, or dumped me, or taken any number of paths that didn't involve cheating. No one gets a free pass for their deliberate choices.

I get that you're exhausted and just want to give her what she says she needs in order to close the book on this mess. If she doesn't deal with her shit as a WS, she will be stuck cycling in her shit as a BS. It simply isn't a step she can skip, even if you're willing to let it go.

leavingorbit posted 4/22/2021 08:35 AM

Prissy, great post.

MyAndI posted 4/22/2021 14:32 PM

Thanks BSR, good points.

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