X

Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

more information about cookies...

Return to Forum List

Return to Reconciliation

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Reconciliation

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

When to call it quits

Pages: 1 · 2

elKAPPYtan posted 4/19/2021 14:14 PM

It's been so long since I posted here, over a year for sure.

Currently 18 and a half months since discovering my WW EA a number of years prior.

I guess I am trying to gage how long I should give her. This last week, I took care of the last item on my list, which was paternity testing the kids, I should have the results in a couple of days. Meanwhile, she hasn't put together a timeline of her affiar, no lie detector test, and she attended 3 or 4 IC sessions before Covid, but has made no attempt to resume her sessions. She bought books that she never read. I requested all of her old phones so that I could go through her messages, she made no attempt to locate them.

Aside from her lack of action, she has been honest and transparent with me since DDay, and has been understanding with the terrible days I still have. While I appreciate it, and how she is attentive to the triggers I do still have, that list wasn't optional.

We fight over it, she tells me that I know everything, that most of the time they spoke on the phone and it was 6 years ago, she can't remember, etc. etc. etc. She tells me she doesn't understand why I would need a timeline. At best it will just be a rehash of everything I read in their messages back and forth on facebook. That is not what I want, and I don't buy that she can't remember, considering I remember what she was wearing the first time I saw her, I remember vividly the 2 hours we spent at dinner just talking and what about. If I had to generate a timeline today of our courtship, I could get pretty damn close of calendars and memory alone, and that is after 12 years.

As the time goes on I notice more and more that I feel indifferent to her. I am to the point where stay or go, I really truly don't care either way anymore, and feel I would be better off on my own going forward. Is this the point where I should call it quits?

Thanks

[This message edited by elKAPPYtan at 2:15 PM, April 19th (Monday)]

Lalagirl posted 4/19/2021 14:19 PM

This

she has been honest and transparent with me since DDay

Doesn't match with this:

she hasn't put together a timeline of her affiar, no lie detector test, and she attended 3 or 4 IC sessions before Covid, but has made no attempt to resume her sessions. She bought books that she never read. I requested all of her old phones so that I could go through her messages, she made no attempt to locate them.

If she wants R badly enough, she will move heaven and earth to be a safe partner for you.

At this point, I would file for D to show her you're not playing around. Implement the 180 as well. You can rescind the D proceedings at any time.

You can't force her to do anything, but you can change how you react to her inaction.

Sending strength...

nekonamida posted 4/19/2021 16:11 PM

She tells me she doesn't understand why I would need a timeline. At best it will just be a rehash of everything I read in their messages back and forth on facebook. That is not what I want, and I don't buy that she can't remember, considering I remember what she was wearing the first time I saw her, I remember vividly the 2 hours we spent at dinner just talking and what about.

While I agree that it might be a little unreasonable to remember what he was wearing and every conversation they had, you're right that she can do better than a re-hashing of the messages. She could put what she was thinking at the time. She could give you insight into how she justified the A as it unfolded or explain the steps she took deeper into the A. There's a lot that she COULD do and I suspect she's been told this and still gives you empty promises or refuses.

As the time goes on I notice more and more that I feel indifferent to her. I am to the point where stay or go, I really truly don't care either way anymore, and feel I would be better off on my own going forward. Is this the point where I should call it quits?

Yep. It sounds like you're done. You don't have to wait around until you're angry and resentful for D to be a good option.

Often it's not the A that kills the marriage. It's what the WS does or doesn't do after DDay that makes or breaks it.

This0is0Fine posted 4/19/2021 16:24 PM

You shouldn't be waiting months (years!) on the items you are talking about. More like weeks.

The good news is that when you do decide to leave, I bet she will nearly instantly become truly motivated. I don't know if it will be too late for you then. She doesn't grasp the damage she has done to you and your relationship.

elKAPPYtan posted 4/19/2021 20:41 PM

If she wants R badly enough, she will move heaven and earth to be a safe partner for you.

-Lalagirl
This is part my fault in offering R too soon. I made it easy and gave a relitative soft spot to land (didn't kick her out, didn't file for divorce, slept with her 3 days after DDay). Just way too soon, and from her POV she is probably thinking what gives? I thought we were past this, I thought that we moved on. except I haven't.
will implement the 180 for the first time

She could put what she was thinking at the time. She could give you insight into how she justified the A as it unfolded or explain the steps she took deeper into the A.

-Nakonamida
this is really all I want with the timeline.


I don't know if it will be too late for you then.

-This Is Fine
Me either, it's almost at that point now.

[This message edited by elKAPPYtan at 9:41 PM, April 19th (Monday)]

The1stWife posted 4/19/2021 21:37 PM

She continues to disrespect you. No counseling. No timeline. No real effort to make amends or heal the trauma.

No wonder you feel indifferent.

elKAPPYtan posted 4/19/2021 22:07 PM

I'm still in limbo. This is my fault, I've let her off the hook to spare myself the ensuing blowup fight, the separation, the loss of time with my kids, the cost of divorce.

I've no experience with this. I didn't go about it the right way, and by that, I mean to get myself out of Infidelity and to move onward with my life independent of her and her actions, or lack of. It is clear to me that had I come here on Dday and shared my story, I would be in a better place 18 months out. I thought I was avoiding pain, I ended up prolonging it. Now I'm picking fights over this (at least from her POV), because I can't white knuckle this anymore and it's boiling over.

Resentment is building. I believe it is long past time to implement the 180 and revisit the options I blew past 18 months ago.

nekonamida posted 4/19/2021 22:53 PM

Be careful, El. You CANNOT control her actions meaning her refusal to do the work and give you what you want has nothing to do with you offering her R too soon. She would have stopped working as soon as you gave her R and stopped pushing her no matter when it happened. It's because she's choosing of her own volition to do the absolute bare minimum and nothing more. Don't blame yourself for that.

RocketRaccoon posted 4/19/2021 23:01 PM

I made it easy and gave a relitative soft spot to land (didn't kick her out, didn't file for divorce, slept with her 3 days after DDay). Just way too soon, and from her POV she is probably thinking what gives? I thought we were past this, I thought that we moved on.

You showed her that it was no biggie to you, as you seemed to be 'cool' with it, so why should she treat your requests seriously?

To her it was an 'oopsie, cross-my-neart and won't do it again', since it seemed that you treated it as such.


I'm still in limbo. This is my fault, I've let her off the hook to spare myself the ensuing blowup fight, the separation, the loss of time with my kids, the cost of divorce.

So your fear of confrontation has done you a great disservice. Question is, what are you going to do about it? Sweep it under the rug again, or really get this sorted out for the long run?

You can continue on your current course, and suffer a low to mid grade pain for the rest of your life. Alternatively, you can experience a high grade pain for a relatively short time, and its payout can be pretty much painless for the rest of your life.

The1stWife posted 4/20/2021 02:44 AM

The blame is not on you. Please understand that.

You made a decision at the time to offer R. Your wife chose to R also. However you had expectations she refused to meet. In my opinion it didn’t matter if you lived in limbo for a year or offered R right away - your wife was going to do the same thing either way.

She is who she is. And if she is frustrated or annoyed that you keep asking for a timeline (as an example) then she can either provide it OR continue to avoid the request. But if she avoids the request then she has to accept the consequences. And that’s what she refused to do.

I always say it’s not the affair that necessarily ruins the marriage it is the behavior after the affair (by the cheater) that kills the marriage.

The1stWife posted 4/20/2021 02:56 AM

Also you should not feel obligated to remain her H. This is the part many people don’t get. Just because R is offered to the cheater does not mean it’s permanent.

It is perfectly acceptable to say to your spouse that this marriage no longer works for you. That you tried your best but unfortunately it just no longer works due to the affair, the lack of commitment from the betrayed and the avoidance of any real work or things that you requested. It’s not the kind of marriage you choose to remain in.

It’s not a bluff. Even if the cheater spouse decides to kick it into high gear it may be too late already.

Chaos posted 4/20/2021 06:15 AM

You are in limbo because she's still gaslighting you [no timeline, searching for phones, continued IC, reading books, anything you've requested]. And you are still rugsweping to avoid the argument. She's content with that. She's done just enough [told you some details, bought books, agreed to things she had no intention of doing] to get you to STFU. And when you push, she throws a tantrum saying "you know allllllll there issssssss". Anger as a form of maniuplation.
Lather, rinse, repeat.

Now - there is no statute of limitations. You have the right at any point to say you are done.

I will advise though - don't throw the gauntlet if you aren't going to back it up.

When I was younger I got some nuggets of wisdom from my father who was a man of few words. One of his old sayings about being done was "when you got your hat in your hand, you head for the door. Don't turn around for nothing". The older I got the more sage that advise was. When you are done, you are done.

Tigersrule77 posted 4/20/2021 08:12 AM

You are correct that you need to focus on healing yourself, independent of your WW.

Have you spoken to an attorney in the past? If not, you should, just so you have a better understanding of what to expect in the D, if you so choose. I'm not pushing you that way, just pushing you to be educated and prepared. For me, it helped a lot, knowing what to expect and took away a lot of fear of the unknown.

The simple answer to your question is - whenever you decide. Only you can decide if your WW is making the steps to heal the M, re-establish trust, and make herself a safe partner. If you don't believe she is doing those things and putting your M first, then you have your answer.

Thumos posted 4/20/2021 12:11 PM

Meanwhile, she hasn't put together a timeline of her affiar, no lie detector test, and she attended 3 or 4 IC sessions before Covid, but has made no attempt to resume her sessions. She bought books that she never read. I requested all of her old phones so that I could go through her messages, she made no attempt to locate them.

If you really want to R, I recommend you do not let this state of affairs to go on much longer. I let this go on far too long, and find myself in a holding pattern with my WW, having taken tangible steps toward D, but hesitating now based on my fears about the impact it will have on my son. I waited too long to confront almost this precise set of these issues, and now I feel quite "meh" about R.

Cautionary tale.

We fight over it, she tells me that I know everything

Yes. "I've already told you everything." Right out of the cheaters playbook. Don't fall for it. It's almost never true. It's a convenient out when they haven't committed anything to paper.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:14 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

siracha posted 4/22/2021 21:07 PM

Have you been clear with her ?
“I should have been clearer with you and thats not fair on either one of us . I am going to spell it out for you since you seem to have no comprehension of what damage you are doing to me “
Then Spell it out . Timeline poly IC .
“This is what i want out of R . If you think that after cheating on me physically you also get to cheat me out of a meaningful apology I want you to know that I have had enough of pandering to your feelings . Those days are done . R or D my feelings are my priority from now on . This is not a debate or a mood swing . Either you have to understand and give a fuck about my feelings or you have to leave . Im not going to pretend to be ok with this anymore “
And here is the key thing - you need to say the same thing calmly but firmly every single time she fks up , dont be inconsistent with the messaging otherwise she will never take you seriously .
Its easier to just be done - if you arent madly in love with her then just let go .

Stevesn posted 4/23/2021 06:43 AM

Siracha wrote to you exactly what I was about to.

Be simple, honest and direct. Not dramatic.

You could add in:

“you keep asking why I need these things. It’s because you broke my heart and it won’t heal without them. I shouldn’t have had to ask more than once.

I need the timeline by the end of next week to start reviewing and for me to ask clarifying questions, I will then schedule a polygraph on the items in that timeline. And we both will start iC in the next two weeks and yours needs to be a specialist in Infidelity.

If you are not up for any of this tell me now and we will start the separation process immediately.

No more rug sweeping what happened. “

elKAPPYtan posted 4/23/2021 09:22 AM

Have you been clear with her ?
“I should have been clearer with you and thats not fair on either one of us . I am going to spell it out for you since you seem to have no comprehension of what damage you are doing to me “
Then Spell it out . Timeline poly IC .
“This is what i want out of R . If you think that after cheating on me physically you also get to cheat me out of a meaningful apology I want you to know that I have had enough of pandering to your feelings . Those days are done . R or D my feelings are my priority from now on . This is not a debate or a mood swing . Either you have to understand and give a fuck about my feelings or you have to leave . Im not going to pretend to be ok with this anymore “
And here is the key thing - you need to say the same thing calmly but firmly every single time she fks up , dont be inconsistent with the messaging otherwise she will never take you seriously .
Its easier to just be done - if you arent madly in love with her then just let go .

Thanks. I was curious how to go about turning the ship, and this helps.

Stevesn posted 5/5/2021 14:43 PM

eKt

How’s it going? What were the DNA results?

How do you plan to proceed?

elKAPPYtan posted 5/5/2021 15:00 PM

eKt
How’s it going? What were the DNA results?

How do you plan to proceed?

still actually waiting on the test results. Aggravated because I would have expected to hear something by now. Perhaps it got lost in the mail?? Hopefully by the end of the week.

I don't expect any surprises from that.

Gonna book a meeting with a lawyer to see what my options are and what they would recommend with the house and cars.

If a divorce requires fixing up my house and selling it might be another year before I can make that happen, perhaps longer.

The1stWife posted 5/6/2021 04:42 AM

In this crazy hot real estate market you could sell as is and get a good offer.

Ask a good real estate broker. You may be surprised.

I live in one of the highest taxed counties in the US (east coast not CA). In my town 3 Bedroom 1 bath homes are selling for $759,000 on a 60x100 plot with $22k in annual taxes. And getting multiple offers. 20 people showing up to an open house in the first hour.

Mortgage rates are low and so is inventory. Priced right you could sell quickly.

Glad I’m not buying in this market.

Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum List

Return to Reconciliation

© 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy