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Newest Member: Victor Bear

Reconciliation :
I Feel Like a New Person

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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 11:43 PM on Tuesday, April 13th, 2021

Seriously. Totally, 180° different. Yes, it is baseball season and that always makes me a bit happier (even if the northsiders are headed for a 70 win season if they're lucky). But there is a weight that has absolutely lifted, and many of you know what it is. My. Wife. Is. Different. Now.

I know that I have said those words before, only to see them totally dissolve and for her to go back to her "default" position. But with her most recent IC and with our new MC, there truly is change in the air. Both the IC and the MC are with the same group. The IC isn't at the same level of "fame" as the MC, but I can see that she has gotten my wife through a great deal of roadblocks she fought against (or simply refused to see) for a long time. And those following other threads already know the rockstar status the our MC has attained as well.

On my end, I have started back with my own IC who came recommended by the MC. Gotta give mad props to him as well. A month into sessions and I will give him that rockstar status as well. We have worked on things from my past that started as an 8 year old in ways I hadn't worked on them before.

Today, we did a visualization exercise where I walked into the game where I booted a ball as that 8 year old. And before the coach laid into him for losing the game, I stepped in, let the little guy know that I was there for him, that errors happen to everyone, that I knew how bad he felt for not fielding that ball, but that there would be more opportunities for him later, and that he would come through for his team.

We then (the 8-year old and me) went back to my "safe, spiritual place". Now, when the IC asked where that place was, and I told him, he said that he had never had anyone in his 30 years of practice go where I did.

1060 W. Addison St.

Chicago, IL

As if no one here could have guessed that.

Overall, my head is in a good place (where several have pointed out that is hasn't been for quite some time). I finally see what I believe to be true progress in R. True desire from my wife to own things (instead of blameshifting & minimizing, at least as often as she used to), true desire to begin making amends (where there was none before, only a superficial "I'm sorry" and an attempt to rugsweep), and a true desire to be a team player (rather than paying lip service and then steamrolling me).

In reflecting back on the last 6 weeks or so...I see hope for a good future where there had previously been none.

I like what I see thus far. It looks good from here.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3355   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8650384
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78monte ( member #72572) posted at 12:02 AM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

I'm happy for you Cap!

Good to hear there's progress in the journey, none of us ask for.

Keep posting all those long awaited positives.

[This message edited by 78monte at 6:03 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]

posts: 5518   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8650393
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 2:37 AM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

Great news, Cap!

WW/BW

posts: 3722   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8650433
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 4:18 AM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

I stepped in, let the little guy know that I was there for him, that errors happen to everyone, that I knew how bad he felt for not fielding that ball, but that there would be more opportunities for him later, and that he would come through for his team.

I have also found that comforting and supporting my young self through memories has been extremely therapeutic.

1060 W. Addison St.

Chicago, IL

A favorite space for me, as well!

me: BS/WS h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5910   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8650454
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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 5:01 AM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

There has always been and will always be something magical about the bricks, the ivy, the beautifully manicured infield, the freshly cut grass...and the smell of stale Old Style...

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3355   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8650466
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Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 1:47 PM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

By my calculations, you are in the window of your one year of happiness before you are plunged into irrelevant misery for 100 years again.

Enjoy it.

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 348   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8650501
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 2:30 PM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

So happy for you, and your wife, and your children. The journey your wife is now on can be very painful at times. Looking at all that you lost, all that you didn't see, all that could have been, if only. I just want you to know at times it will get worse/better. But, I suspect it will not go back to baseline. It will be more of a line graph with some dips in it. Eradicating shame and healing trauma from our past is always a worthwhile venture, but it is a struggle!

8 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 8236   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8650512
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 3:31 PM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

1060 W. Addison St.

Say hi to Jake and Elwood for me!!! I love those guys!

I'm glad to hear you and MrsCap are finally making some real progress. I'm going to petition the Vatican to have Job renamed CaptainJob.

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6735   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8650533
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 4:55 PM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

As a *huge* proponent of good IC, it is quite gratifying to hear of your progress. Triple yay for that!

Also, as someone with very longitudinal experience in this particular journey, I also want to remind you to keep focusing on your *own* healing, your *own* happiness, your *own* journey, independent of what ultimately transpires with your marriage.

All the best!

BW
Recovered
Reconciled

posts: 561   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8650575
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thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 5:07 PM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

You seem like a new man.

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4480   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8650580
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Cornucopia ( member #60372) posted at 6:06 PM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

Cap, this is so lovely to read, such good news.

I pray that your patience and love continue to pay off - you deserve every happiness.

BW, DDay 24/08/2017, the road to R is long and windy.

posts: 175   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2017
id 8650598
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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 8:25 PM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

you are in the window of your one year of happiness before you are plunged into irrelevant misery for 100 years again.

It happened during my lifetime. I can now die peacefully!

I'm going to petition the Vatican to have Job renamed CaptainJob.

I will humbly accept whatever the Pope determines to be the best course of action!

The journey your wife is now on can be very painful at times. Looking at all that you lost, all that you didn't see, all that could have been, if only. I just want you to know at times it will get worse/better.

At this point, I'm just glad that there is a journey taking place now.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3355   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8650663
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ISurvivedSoFar ( member #56915) posted at 8:09 PM on Thursday, April 15th, 2021

I so get this! I had to do some VERY intense therapy as well because of the past traumas uncovered after the battering of the years post-infidelity. It's such a rough ride but once you get to the place where you KNOW you are making progress, where you KNOW your WS is moving past their roadblocks and can attune to you and see you as a person who damaged you from their actions, when they can open up and admit everything and you know you are dealing with the person you thought you married, not the trickster than turned after infidelity, then life begins again and the clouds part to make way for the rays of sunshine.

It is beyond validating. It tells us we're not crazy for feeling so awful for such a long time. It tells us we are not crazy for staying because we knew there was something better underneath. It tells us we can have a future that is worthwhile.

The real key is to get our brains and hearts around this new reality because the years of discontent make our brains reluctant to be fully there. However, just the unburdening of past issues is so worth it.

And for the record, it took two ICs and a great MC for us too. It was damn expensive but worth it.

Now you have to figure out how to be a new couple.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2836   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8650951
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Rnzwithscissors ( member #57292) posted at 12:22 PM on Friday, April 16th, 2021

This is inspiring to read. I sometimes wonder if I am the problem (e.g. an unforgiving heart)

I feel like I need him to understand his "why's" and he refuses to exam his whys. He says he will, but in 3 + years it has not happened.

Anyway, so happy for you and your family!



posts: 60   ·   registered: Feb. 6th, 2017   ·   location: NJ
id 8651159
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