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I Feel Like a New Person

CaptainRogers posted 4/13/2021 17:43 PM

Seriously. Totally, 180 different. Yes, it is baseball season and that always makes me a bit happier (even if the northsiders are headed for a 70 win season if they're lucky). But there is a weight that has absolutely lifted, and many of you know what it is. My. Wife. Is. Different. Now.

I know that I have said those words before, only to see them totally dissolve and for her to go back to her "default" position. But with her most recent IC and with our new MC, there truly is change in the air. Both the IC and the MC are with the same group. The IC isn't at the same level of "fame" as the MC, but I can see that she has gotten my wife through a great deal of roadblocks she fought against (or simply refused to see) for a long time. And those following other threads already know the rockstar status the our MC has attained as well.

On my end, I have started back with my own IC who came recommended by the MC. Gotta give mad props to him as well. A month into sessions and I will give him that rockstar status as well. We have worked on things from my past that started as an 8 year old in ways I hadn't worked on them before.

Today, we did a visualization exercise where I walked into the game where I booted a ball as that 8 year old. And before the coach laid into him for losing the game, I stepped in, let the little guy know that I was there for him, that errors happen to everyone, that I knew how bad he felt for not fielding that ball, but that there would be more opportunities for him later, and that he would come through for his team.

We then (the 8-year old and me) went back to my "safe, spiritual place". Now, when the IC asked where that place was, and I told him, he said that he had never had anyone in his 30 years of practice go where I did.

1060 W. Addison St.
Chicago, IL

As if no one here could have guessed that.

Overall, my head is in a good place (where several have pointed out that is hasn't been for quite some time). I finally see what I believe to be true progress in R. True desire from my wife to own things (instead of blameshifting & minimizing, at least as often as she used to), true desire to begin making amends (where there was none before, only a superficial "I'm sorry" and an attempt to rugsweep), and a true desire to be a team player (rather than paying lip service and then steamrolling me).

In reflecting back on the last 6 weeks or so...I see hope for a good future where there had previously been none.

I like what I see thus far. It looks good from here.

78monte posted 4/13/2021 18:02 PM

I'm happy for you Cap!
Good to hear there's progress in the journey, none of us ask for.
Keep posting all those long awaited positives.

[This message edited by 78monte at 6:03 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 4/13/2021 20:37 PM

Great news, Cap!

OwningItNow posted 4/13/2021 22:18 PM

I stepped in, let the little guy know that I was there for him, that errors happen to everyone, that I knew how bad he felt for not fielding that ball, but that there would be more opportunities for him later, and that he would come through for his team.

I have also found that comforting and supporting my young self through memories has been extremely therapeutic.

1060 W. Addison St.
Chicago, IL

A favorite space for me, as well!

CaptainRogers posted 4/13/2021 23:01 PM

There has always been and will always be something magical about the bricks, the ivy, the beautifully manicured infield, the freshly cut grass...and the smell of stale Old Style...

Wiseoldfool posted 4/14/2021 07:47 AM

By my calculations, you are in the window of your one year of happiness before you are plunged into irrelevant misery for 100 years again.

Enjoy it.

hikingout posted 4/14/2021 08:30 AM

So happy for you, and your wife, and your children. The journey your wife is now on can be very painful at times. Looking at all that you lost, all that you didn't see, all that could have been, if only. I just want you to know at times it will get worse/better. But, I suspect it will not go back to baseline. It will be more of a line graph with some dips in it. Eradicating shame and healing trauma from our past is always a worthwhile venture, but it is a struggle!

Unhinged posted 4/14/2021 09:31 AM

1060 W. Addison St.
Say hi to Jake and Elwood for me!!! I love those guys!

I'm glad to hear you and MrsCap are finally making some real progress. I'm going to petition the Vatican to have Job renamed CaptainJob.

HardKnocks posted 4/14/2021 10:55 AM

As a *huge* proponent of good IC, it is quite gratifying to hear of your progress. Triple yay for that!

Also, as someone with very longitudinal experience in this particular journey, I also want to remind you to keep focusing on your *own* healing, your *own* happiness, your *own* journey, independent of what ultimately transpires with your marriage.

All the best!

thatbpguy posted 4/14/2021 11:07 AM

You seem like a new man.

Cornucopia posted 4/14/2021 12:06 PM

Cap, this is so lovely to read, such good news.

I pray that your patience and love continue to pay off - you deserve every happiness.

CaptainRogers posted 4/14/2021 14:25 PM

you are in the window of your one year of happiness before you are plunged into irrelevant misery for 100 years again.

It happened during my lifetime. I can now die peacefully!

I'm going to petition the Vatican to have Job renamed CaptainJob.

I will humbly accept whatever the Pope determines to be the best course of action!

The journey your wife is now on can be very painful at times. Looking at all that you lost, all that you didn't see, all that could have been, if only. I just want you to know at times it will get worse/better.

At this point, I'm just glad that there is a journey taking place now.

ISurvivedSoFar posted 4/15/2021 14:09 PM

I so get this! I had to do some VERY intense therapy as well because of the past traumas uncovered after the battering of the years post-infidelity. It's such a rough ride but once you get to the place where you KNOW you are making progress, where you KNOW your WS is moving past their roadblocks and can attune to you and see you as a person who damaged you from their actions, when they can open up and admit everything and you know you are dealing with the person you thought you married, not the trickster than turned after infidelity, then life begins again and the clouds part to make way for the rays of sunshine.

It is beyond validating. It tells us we're not crazy for feeling so awful for such a long time. It tells us we are not crazy for staying because we knew there was something better underneath. It tells us we can have a future that is worthwhile.

The real key is to get our brains and hearts around this new reality because the years of discontent make our brains reluctant to be fully there. However, just the unburdening of past issues is so worth it.

And for the record, it took two ICs and a great MC for us too. It was damn expensive but worth it.

Now you have to figure out how to be a new couple.

Rnzwithscissors posted 4/16/2021 06:22 AM

This is inspiring to read. I sometimes wonder if I am the problem (e.g. an unforgiving heart)

I feel like I need him to understand his "why's" and he refuses to exam his whys. He says he will, but in 3 + years it has not happened.

Anyway, so happy for you and your family!

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