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2 to 5 years

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Notriangle (original poster Member #70597) posted at 4:51 AM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

Many say it takes 2 to 5 years for a marriage to recover after an affair. I think it sometimes takes 2 to 5 years for a marriage to fail after an affair also.

Trauma changes people. It will take me 2 to 5 years to recover from the trauma, and I will be a different person post recovery than the person I am right now. That's the interesting thing about trauma. It's bad in so many ways, but it's good in one way... It makes people find their power to overcome. I don't know if I will be married or divorced in 5 years, but I believe I will be healed and I will be different, stronger person.

posts: 148   ·   registered: May. 20th, 2019
id 8646591
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Notthevictem ( Member #44389) posted at 5:28 AM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

I think you will too!

BH: Me 37
WW: Her 41
DDAY Mar 2014

posts: 13360   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Florida
id 8646597
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thrown71 ( New Member #74218) posted at 1:50 PM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

I agree. It depends on many factors when someone will heal. My WH thought it should have taken 3 months maybe 6 months. He really truly doesn’t understand how the betrayal affected me.

I wish you the best in your healing.

BW
D-Day: 12/07/19 (PA)
Married 25 years
Together 30 years
Daughter 21, Son 18

posts: 48   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2020
id 8646650
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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 2:02 PM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

It makes people find their power to overcome.

It certainly presents them with a choice. Be in charge of your life, or passively ride the currents (down).

It’s clear which choice you made, NT. Power to you!

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2718   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8646658
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Justsomeguy ( Member #65583) posted at 2:22 PM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

I've been quite skeptical of the survival rates of marriage post A. I wonder how many fail at the 2-5 year mark and are not included in the stats?

As for post DDAY changes, I am at the 3.5 year mark, with little of the old me still extant. At about the 2 year mark, people told me that they missed the old me and hoped he would return. I did too and hoped as well. He hasn't.

I think the changes have been so deep that they will be permanent. Some good, some bad. I may be stronger, but I'm more cautious and less open. I'm much more cynical and fatalistic, with a catastrophic outlook. I'm more prone to depression and panic attacks are just a part of life now. Reading that, hell, I wouldn't want to date me either...yikes!

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1110   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8646661
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:11 PM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

I think the rule of thumb is that it takes 2-5 years for a person to recover.

Many of us hear that as 2-5 for the M to recover, but I think that's a misinterpretation.

SI is aimed at helping people - BSes and WSes - recover, whether they R or D.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25999   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8646690
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hikingout ( Member #59504) posted at 7:19 PM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

I have been here long enough to notice the same thing - that many stay and try at first and then somewhere especially in the 3-5 year mark it falls apart.

Generally, I have noticed it more with BS who has unremorseful WS. Second to that, I have seen WS who had a BS who was unable or unwilling to address issues like alcholism, control issues, verbal/emotional abuse.

It's a miracle when two people R, and it takes both people to do the type of growing that you are talking about. One to overcome the trauma, and the other to overcome whatever issues they had in them that allows them to cheat in the first place. If one recovers/heals/grows and the other does not, that's when the divorce happens. And, I agree with you that couples seem to drop like flies more in that 2-5 year place than immediately.

WW/BW BH/WH
Turnthepage
My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PA
His Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5914   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8646738
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deena04 ( Member #41741) posted at 7:52 PM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

Yes! I completely agree. After the 2-5 year mark, you either pull together as a couple into a better existence together or you gain the perspective to see it's time to go. Either way, it can set up the BEST YOU for you.

Me FBS early 40s
Him XWS mid40s (lovemywife4ever), D
He cheated before M, forgot to tell me
Free and loving life

posts: 3100   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 8646744
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 8:50 PM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

It took me 5 years just to believe who my STBX was. In my situation every year post A got worse and worse. My fear of my kids coming from a broken family is why I held on too long.

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8031   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8646760
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waitedwaytoolong ( Member #51519) posted at 4:36 AM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

This might be a thing. Close to the five year mark my wife came to me all excited to try to replicate the 25th anniversary trip that I canceled shortly after her affair. I’m sure she felt enough time had passed that we could do a big trip for our 30th. Not the same trip, but the same in terms of scale.

Though she worked hard on it, and the trip was amazing, I realized I had no desire to go on it with her. It was like a light coming on to tell me if I didn’t want to spend almost a month in paradise with her, why am I with her.

Instead of me telling her yes on the trip, I told her I was done and wanted a divorce. She actually thought I was joking.

To this day I regret how abrupt I was, but it took this event and almost 5 years to realize that even though she was the model of a remorseful wife, the damage was too deep.

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 1837   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8646840
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 1:14 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

The mentioned period is valid for the BS' to recover from infidelity. And it is often seen that those who divorce are more successful in recovery and it takes much shorter time to heal.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8646872
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ramius ( Member #44750) posted at 4:54 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

The mentioned period is valid for the BS' to recover from infidelity. And it is often seen that those who divorce are more successful in recovery and it takes much shorter time to heal.

The people I know who divorced after infidelity seem to be back in the saddle within a year or two.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8646936
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 3:41 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

Remember: R requires 1) healing from infidelity and 2) (re)building a relationship. It's more work, so it generally takes more time.

If you want to compare timelines, the comparison should include both steps, not just healing.

The problem with R is that it takes a lot of time to know if it will work. Perhaps people D about 5 years after d-day because it took that long to see that R wasn't going to work. (Or is that a truism?)

But recovery takes as long as it takes. My reco is to focus on the best solution for you. Not only does that provide opportunity for the most pleasure; it also is likely to be the easiest path.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25999   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8647191
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 Notriangle (original poster Member #70597) posted at 10:52 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

This is a grieving process, and grief cannot be rushed. I will be permanently changed by this experience, just as I have been changed by other losses in my lifetime. I don't yet know the newer version of me who will emerge in 2-5 years. I suspect the newer me will be stronger but less trusting.

I don't feel like I know my WH right now. I would guess that many betrayed spouses have to struggle with that. He clearly has issues that need to be addressed in IC, and I don't know who he will become in 2-5 years.

In my mind, the marriage is up in the air right now, and I am oddly at peace with that. I can only make a commitment to myself at this juncture.

posts: 148   ·   registered: May. 20th, 2019
id 8647341
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Wool94 ( Member #53300) posted at 6:02 AM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

It took me about 4 years to realize that God wasn't going to just take the pain, hurt, and anger away from me.

I'm not saying this about anyone else, but I had to realize that I was holding onto it with a tight grip.

I found out He wasn't going to take it until I was truly able to let it go.

I'm not saying that I needed to let it go at the beginning. No, I feel as if I needed all of that rage and hurt to make me a better man. With that said, after 4 years, it really was just extra baggage that I don't feel I needed to hold on to anymore.

In some ways, it was a get out of jail free card. Because if I had that to hold onto, then no matter what I did, right or wrong, I could justify it with that. She did the work, now it was time to let it go.

That's not easy at 1 week, 1 month, 1 year or 4 years. Unfortunately, that dreaded 4 letter word comes into play...T-I-M-E.

MAY GOD BLESS YOU!

D-Day #1: April 7, 2016
D-Day #2: May 21, 2016
D-Day #3: June 7, 2016
Me: 1975
Her:WW (amn8r) 1981
Son 2006
Daughter 2009
"God not only loves you, but He actually likes you. "-Stephen Hooks

"My faith is mine now."

posts: 3800   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Roll Tide Country 🇺🇸
id 8647402
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Mene ( Member #64377) posted at 6:33 AM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

The pain never goes away. Not in 2 and not in 5 years.

Life wasn’t meant to be fair...

posts: 826   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2018   ·   location: Cyberland
id 8647406
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:58 PM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

Will you expand on that, perhaps in your own thread, Mene?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25999   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8647629
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Kate777 ( New Member #78612) posted at 4:58 PM on Tuesday, April 6th, 2021

Hey you all

Ah 2 to 5 years, hm. I think it's individual as people are individual.

It's a process and this takes so much time as the person is needed to have this time.

In my case it took 12 years but now I can say, I am completely a healed person!

I had to bite a hugh sandwich, my dad and I walked in on my then fiance and mother.

But in hindsight, this was the greatest gift ever given to me. Otherwise I

would be not the person who I am today

Sure at the time I wished that would have been a more gentle way to wake up and made me See and work on myself, childhood traumas, families traumas.. But I guess obviously I needed the big bang at the time.

FBW:44..Age 32 on DD
FEXF: 35 on DD
6 month PA with OMW : my mother

People only understand from their level of perception 🤷‍♀️

posts: 5   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2021   ·   location: Germany
id 8648342
Topic is Sleeping.
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