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How was the affair discovered?

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swmnbc posted 4/11/2021 14:31 PM

Most WS are not "model WS" (a strange term in itself). What are the odds that a person conducting an affair is going to handle discovery and its aftermath with honesty, empathy, self-awareness, and deep wells of resilience? Likewise, moving forward from an affair isn't going to follow a script or be a linear process.

You should take your sense of who your spouse is, coupled with how they are changing (or not) in the days after DDay, and determine if there's a reasonable chance you'll get to a fulfilling and healthy relationship in a time period you can tolerate.

My husband did a few things "right" after DDay. He told the truth (sort of) when I asked. He ended the affair pretty quickly. He recommitted to our marriage. I mean, sure, I had to spend two weeks sleuthing and puzzling things out to figure out that it was a PA. In reality it took a LOT longer than two weeks for him to stop being totally deluded and selfish. It wasn't until he entered IC about 9 months in that he started growing noticeably as a person.

If you want to stay married and it's not an abusive situation, and you're seeing growth and effort, it's OK to stay. It's also OK to go. All you can do is choose to be a healthy person yourself. You can't force your WS to be healthy. You can just hope that they're inspired to become healthier themselves. And you can have boundaries that protect you from unhealthy behaviors and people.

Westway posted 4/13/2021 16:23 PM

My XWW had hand-shaped bruises on her hips and buttocks. I guess the boytoy who was plowing her the night before got a little too grippy. Then I also saw some strange entries in her credit card bills. Anyway, that is what instigated me to hire a P.I. The rest is infamy.

[This message edited by Westway at 12:01 PM, April 21st (Wednesday)]

Jaybee2020 posted 4/18/2021 01:17 AM

My WW confessed to me. Lies about how long and what exactly happened. Basically TT me to a point where nothing make sense and its all a lie to. I had to slueth to find out the truth. My one regret is telling her what I had found rather than continuing to sleuth. I feel like she based her 'timeline' 'story' around what I had discovered

StrugglingCJ posted 5/7/2021 07:29 AM

Mine was by pure chance.. I had had my suspicions for a while but never any proof.

Then one day.. When my wife and AP were at a music restival in the alps.. My daughter brought me my WS old phone she had been playing with and locked it.. In unlocking it i found pictures of my wife i had never seen before.. Pictures taken when she was on holiday alone.. I did a bit more digging with the use of dr fone and found out about a 2yr+ affair

I confronted them both upon their return..

ISurvivedSoFar posted 5/8/2021 05:54 AM

Mickie - this has to stop. It must be torture for you to be in a relationship where you are torn about your actions and traumatized by your H's actions. I'm concerned that you aren't honoring YOURSELF first and maintaining the integrity and boundaries you deserve as a human being.

As a BS of course I understand the urge to get revenge and to make my WS feel every ounce of pain I felt when he betrayed the beautiful life we had built together. I would be lying if I said that I never thought of getting him back and ran through many ways in my mind to do so. So please know that you are not alone.

However, please please try to avoid getting stuck in this paradigm. It is and will make you miserable and cause you to not get the relief you deserve. Your WS needs to do the work - and NOT hurt you as he processes and repairs himself. I know because my WS went "off the rails" during the time he was coming to terms with his awful and rotten behavior while he was unfaithful. It isn't okay and you deserve to draw the boundaries that make you safe and secure.

One thing I know. Holding onto those feelings are going to eat away at you. You must get them out. First I suggest a great IC to help you. You deserve to feel better. And I believe you need advice on how to manage your WS in this situation. Finally you deserve to be at peace.

Finding out? I read the emails that left no doubt about the relationship he as having with his AP.

[This message edited by ISurvivedSoFar at 5:55 AM, May 8th (Saturday)]

lifestoshort posted 5/10/2021 10:20 AM

for me, I saw her car at his house and work all the time. he told me she was moving but then weeks went by. so I messaged her a second time to ask why she is stepping on my territory. then she called me to ask about it.

Twinkies posted 5/11/2021 15:37 PM

Oops wrong post

[This message edited by Twinkies at 3:38 PM, May 11th (Tuesday)]

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