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Trusting again

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Bonetired posted 3/27/2021 19:03 PM

It also sounds to me like she is doing this on purpose.No one rubs someone's nose in it to this extent without it.Even the most dimmest lightbulbs are in tune to how their behavior is affecting others.She knows you are listening and yes she gives a fuck how it's affecting you.It puts her at an all new low.Just remember that.She is attempting to some degree manipulate and play you.Try not to let it get to you.It's the last ditch effort to have any emotional impact on you whatsoever. It's also juvenile.Stay the course and ignore the noise.Soon all of this will be over and hopefully you will be immersed in the world of adults.Female adults.Sounds like she ain't going to grow the fuck up before that.Maybe buy some buds or if you already have them in when you know she will be trying this bullshit.Listen to a good podcast or music.Learn to ignore it.This may also infuriate her because she wants you to be affected.Find some inner peace in the presence of her behavior.How ever you need to do this.

[This message edited by Bonetired at 7:17 PM, March 27th (Saturday)]

Cooley2here posted 3/27/2021 22:14 PM

Itís not the age difference. Itís that they have never met in person. This is delusional thinking. Right now you are a gnat in her face. There is not one thing you OR ANYONE ELSE could do to get her out of this.
They canít spend their days gaming. At some point she is going to run head first into reality. You might get a knock on the door or a phone call asking for do overs.
Stop smoking. Donít drink. Use this time to get exercise. Find a support group. Stop gaming right now. Itís too solitary. If your friend can spend a little time with you go hiking, biking or walking. And as soon as possible ghost her.

BetrayedGamer posted 3/30/2021 01:07 AM

So I found out the night before that she might not be getting the house she thought she was getting (to close late April). That would have left her in a pretty tough spot, her income (as an Education Assistant starting next year) would not be enough to afford a majority of the houses here in CO...this house she's trying to get is extremely low, and she can buy it outright with the divorce proceeds.

So I'm thinking perfect opportunity to try and halt the divorce and recommend counselling. So I text her that I have another option we should discuss. She gets home, comes upstairs after a bit, and I start giving her my speech...let's put the divorce on hold, get some counselling, meanwhile she can still look for a house. If she still wants the divorce after all that then we'll proceed. Turns out she can still get the original (really cheap) house after all, so another wasted attempt at saving the marriage. I decide since I have her attention I'll bring up the gaming/flirting in the living room. She actually agreed and understood it was hurting me. I told her since she'll be gone in under a month I'll put up with it, but if she has to be in the house longer than she'll have to take the gaming console to the bedroom and flirt with the door closed.

Anyways it was a rollercoaster day. Felt like I was punched in the gut all evening (although I did do a Fantasy Baseball draft which was very distracting). Drinking my burgundy wine, smoking every 30 minutes, just in spiral mode, playing a game to distract myself. Suddenly, the pain stopped. Like this calm settled over me, a resolve knowing that in roughly 30 days I can start healing, start moving forward, and this nightmare will just be a distant memory.

Sorry for getting so deep...but is this normal? Is this a good thing? Sometimes I feel like the weakest, most spineless male on the planet, other times I feel like I have emotional strength and I don't give myself credit for my ability to adapt and heal to the worst shit.

grubs posted 3/30/2021 10:05 AM

Like this calm settled over me, a resolve knowing that in roughly 30 days I can start healing, start moving forward, and this nightmare will just be a distant memory.

Run with that. Start treating her like she isn't there. Bare minimum contact. There's no good for you to be giving her even minor ego kibbles of pleasant conversation. This isn't being mean, it's protecting your soul from further damage and allowing the wounds to start healing as you detach yourself from her.
Get outside of your house. Spend time with friends. Find happiness in what you do.

[This message edited by grubs at 10:06 AM, March 30th (Tuesday)]

Bonetired posted 3/30/2021 16:04 PM

Happy you are feeling at peace for a moment.Take a breath.You deserve it.

Anna123 posted 3/30/2021 18:29 PM

I was planning, if she can't find a place to go by the end of the divorce, to lay down new rules (as I'll be the sole homeowner by then): I get the master bedroom back, and she needs to share living room time with me instead of hogging it. I don't think it's going to come to that, she's putting an offer down on a house (far away fortunately) today.

It is important to have in the final divorce agreement a date that she is required to vacate. Anything remaining becomes your property. If her house falls through she has to MAKE HER OWN ARRANGEMENTS where she will be staying as of that date. It is no longer your concern and you don't need to even know where she is going at that point.

One more thing. Start making a list that is easy to read through of all of the cruel things she has done. Keep reading it till you are angry with what she has done. Anger will help protect you in case she takes you up on your offer to save the marriage. You, like most of us here were before divorce, are still stuck in the middle of loving her and feeling like you need her, at the same time your mind knows how bad she is for you. Anger helps clear that up quicker.

Good luck, there is light at the end of the tunnel here.

Karmafan posted 3/31/2021 02:11 AM

So I'm thinking perfect opportunity to try and halt the divorce and recommend counselling. So I text her that I have another option we should discuss.

That time has passed BG! Trying to save the marriage at this point is just a way to inflict more pain onto yourself. Donít give her the chance to reject you, again and again. Be the rejector, of infidelity and disrespect. As much as possible, try and keep your emotions in check and be resolute in your decision. Stay out of her way, have as little contact as possible. Let her flirt her way to hell behind close doors. It is a month of your life and then...peace and calm and silence. The ultimate reward for a BS.

[This message edited by Karmafan at 2:15 AM, March 31st (Wednesday)]

BetrayedGamer posted 4/1/2021 13:06 PM

First off, is it ok to keep using this thread as a log/journal, or is that annoying? I don't always have a question, it just feels good to type these thoughts out and get opinions on it.

So it's been a bittersweet week. All the practical stuff seems to be falling into place...I close on my refi on the 9th, she closes on her house on the 23rd, moving out at the end of the month.

I started trying to stay upstairs the entire time she is home. I know that seems like a "give in" but it's more for my sake than hers. The first night I did it, I got 9 hours sleep (I'd been averaging 5 to 6 since this all started). However, after our last discussion regarding the divorce, the texts have been coming in like missiles, and couldnt resist responding so we got into an all out text war. She is REALLY trying to justify the affair, writing entire paragraphs on how horrible I was for the last 7 years (funny how I'm finding out about all these issues now)...she pretty much ran the entire gamut of every flaw a man could have. If I was as horrible as she makes me sound she needs to win an oscar for her acting job like everything was fine until a month before this happened.

I finally called a truce to this, however I did get my parting shot in, which I think really explains it well and gives her something to think about the rest of her life. I said yes we have had marital problems, it doesnt matter who's at fault, it is how we came to a solution that is the problem. My solution would have been working on better communication, and working out the issues as a team (you know, like adults do...I didnt say that but thought it). I then said her solution was to betray my trust and avoid communication, and that is what made me sad/angry/hurt about the whole thing.

I really think making that clear...the difference in how we handled the end of the marriage...is what I needed to say to end the text fighting. She really can't argue it. So now its April 1st, 30 days to go and this is done.

grubs posted 4/1/2021 13:21 PM

However, after our last discussion regarding the divorce, the texts have been coming in like missiles, and couldnt resist responding so we got into an all out text war. She is REALLY trying to justify the affair, writing entire paragraphs on how horrible I was for the last 7 years (funny how I'm finding out about all these issues now)...she pretty much ran the entire gamut of every flaw a man could have. If I was as horrible as she makes me sound she needs to win an oscar for her acting job like everything was fine until a month before this happened.

That litany is what she was saying in her head to excuse her poor behavior in having the affair. Your response is usually what shuts that down. She couldn't have brought it up as that would have made her an evil person when she continued to cheat and the dopamine was worth too much to her. Stick to the NC. If she keeps texting, block her and communicate through email.

PS. It's easier for late comers to catch up if you update this post. You might want to have the mods move it to Divorce/separation though.

[This message edited by grubs at 1:24 PM, April 1st (Thursday)]

BetrayedGamer posted 4/1/2021 19:34 PM

So, dumb question, but is there a list somewhere on the site that explains all the abbreviations? I can sort of interpret some of them, other's I'm scratching my head. I've searched the site and only found a couple that were explained.

[This message edited by BetrayedGamer at 7:35 PM, April 1st (Thursday)]

grubs posted 4/1/2021 20:33 PM

So, dumb question, but is there a list somewhere on the site that explains all the abbreviations? I can sort of interpret some of them, other's I'm scratching my head. I've searched the site and only found a couple that were explained.

The healing library <= and choose abbreviations
If there's any not listed just ask.

BetrayedGamer posted 4/1/2021 23:49 PM

Thanks, still seeing some that aren't on the list but I can figure out what people are saying by context.

Yeah this probably should be moved to the Divorce section, I was originally asking about trusting again in OLD but it sort of morphed into my own personal D log.

Bonetired posted 4/2/2021 07:54 AM

I think it's rather interesting that she initially ignored you then when you were out of her sight she had to send text messages to draw you back in.Like she wants to keep the narrative going in her head that you are at fault.Which I hope you know by now this is blame shifting.Since she made it clear to you the relationship was donzo I think it's fascinating to see her all of a sudden needing to get into it with you over this.In the healing library there is some material that explains how to approach this kind of behaviour.It needs to be neutralized. That girl gotta go!!!Maybe block texts from her and keep it impersonal now. Yes this may drive her crazy a bit because she has been lying to herself this whole time.Now without you around to blame shift the crap out of she is left alone in her own quiet world and can't escape that nagging voice in the back of her head telling her the truth.Give her what she needs for real right now.A whole lot of space without you in it.Try not to let her draw you in like medusa only to bite your a$$ with those tiny snakes of hers crawling around in her head.Don't look in her eyes man!!! Like a tiny mosquito look away from the light!Save yourself!!

[This message edited by Bonetired at 7:56 AM, April 2nd (Friday)]

BetrayedGamer posted 4/2/2021 11:45 AM

Love your responses Bonetired! They put a smile on my face.

Honestly the text war sort of started by something I did in the house. But I'm glad it happened, it shows me how desperate she is at justification, and it gave me the opportunity to explain how she will be remembered (as the one who put no effort in the marriage, and chose affair over reconciliation). Despite all her morally bankrupt actions during these last few months, I know her well enough to know she does not like being "the bad guy" in any situation, and that will eat at her the rest of her life. I take some satisfaction in that I guess.

Bonetired posted 4/2/2021 12:02 PM

Good! It's important to smile and laugh. It helps to neutralize the poison. Now whenever she tries to get under your skin you will see medusa or a buzz be gone mosquito zapper.

BetrayedGamer posted 4/9/2021 21:35 PM

So mini-update:

My refi fell through, went with a very poor loan brokerage who basically just told us we (my brother and I) weren't approved then stopped returning our calls. STBXWW already bought a house using the money we were supposed to get, so in a pickle. Checked with my bank, they are no longer doing Home Equity Loans as they are 3 months behind on refi's due to the pandemic. So I got tons of equity in the home, but no way to pull the cash. Last resort is I am pulling the cash from my retirement. If I don't get her the cash her deal falls through, I'm the bad guy, and she's stuck in the house even longer. Pulling from the retirement isn't a total loss, my brother is planning on making is current home a rental (with like 4 renters) and he's doing a refi then Home Equity Loan on his place, he's going to give me some of the cash to put back into the retirement fund as he's gaining equity coming in as an owner to my place.

So anyways I try explaining this all to the STBXWW and she's a little upset her CC isn't getting paid. I told her it's the only option right now if she wants to get out by May 1. We had some light arguments over texts, some empty threats were thrown around, but ultimately she sees the wisdom of this current deal.

So today I offered to grab her some dinner at a Chinese food place we used to like while I'm out, and she accepted. Also was reloading the mini-bar in my little jail cell of a room, so I also bought a Port that she and I used to enjoy together. Put it on the counter next to her Chinese food, put a note on the bottle "to share", grabbed my plate and went up to my cell to watch tv and eat. Come back down a while later and she's had a glass of the port, left some chocolates out from Easter with my "to share" note on them.

I'm not saying or hoping this is a path to R, but she's accepting niceness where a couple weeks ago she turned down anything I offered. I'm not expecting anything from this, but I feel a little less tension in the house. If anything, I feel like I'm loading up on the cheater's guilt she'll feel at some point in her life. I'm feeling good about it anyways, even if I never see any fruits of the labor, I feel like the higher I go on the high road the better/faster I'm going to heal later on. I know a lot of posts around here say not to treat the cheating spouse with anything but contempt, but somehow this feels like the right path right now.

grubs posted 4/9/2021 22:34 PM

cheating spouse with anything but contempt, but somehow this feels like the right path right now.

Indifference is the goal not contempt. I'd avoid cashing in the retirement if you can. That comes with tax implications unless you can loan it to yourself from your retirement.

BetrayedGamer posted 4/9/2021 23:04 PM

Already checked that, it's tax free money. Fortunately there is enough there that I don't have to touch the annuity, which is where I'd be taxed to hell and back. The only problem is this account is my income (interest payments) which will go way down now, but the fact that I'm keeping the original mortgage means my monthly payments aren't going up anyways.

It's weird, today the anger and hate is gone, I'm just in a "missing my best friend" mood. I know I should be angry over the affair, I probably will be in the future. I guess her impending move out, which I know will be good for me, is hurting right now.

grubs posted 4/10/2021 10:56 AM

It's early still. You're just at the exhausted stage where you just want it overwith. Iow You're just starting the roller coaster.

Bonetired posted 4/11/2021 17:23 PM

You are going through the stages of grief.It's a healthy sign.Let's see if I can remember.;Denial, anger,bargaining,depression,acceptance.If this isn't right just let me know.Been through it a lot.I remember when I ce to the point where I went through all the stages.There was and Is so much peace when you do.Just keep it up.No judgement.We are all human.Even the ex's.Grubs is right.Indifference is the goal.Not hate.

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