Thanks for all the comments and advice and I’m pleased to see that the majority are in favour of truth, especially considering their ages.
I just wanted to address those who were and maybe still are routing for MR & Mrs 2D
We are both devastated that it has come to this and if I’m being completely honest we’re are both drifting in and out of denial of the situation we find ourselves in. Neither of us has gone to anyone else other than each other for comfort to ease our pains (I know, detach, detach, detach) and that is the crux of our current issue.
Whilst I take zero, nada, zilch responsibility for the A I have to hold my hand up and say that I am at least 50% responsible for our failed R. I won’t call it false R because I don’t believe either of us was insincere in our desire for R to work and there is no ongoing A, unless you take the hardline SI approach that without NC the A is still ongoing.
Why do I take responsibility for the failed R, well essentially I have been unable to commit to it. I think fundamentally it goes against my core beliefs (ie this is, was and has always been a dealbreaker) so I’m in and out like a fiddlers elbow. Not physically but mentally I’m all over the place, I can’t reconcile my mind with the 2 opposing forces of love vs disgust (just picked up that description this week from cheating in a nutshell)
So I’ve been searching, reading, researching, trying to find a way to retrain my brain to accept this happened, that she’s sorry, and that we could be good in the future.
All while this has been happening WGF cannot stop the blameshifting and minimising because the alternative to that is just far too painful for her to take. She wants to R desperately but just cannot do the fundamental work required to make that possible. She wants to take only the potential good and not suffer any of the consequences of her choices. Which I have surmised / concluded leaves those for me to live with.
I can say with absolute certainty, that for 24 years I did not think once about a life without WGF, not a single thought crossed my mind that I would ever leave WGF or that the grass was greener anywhere else. Yet I have had that thought as my waking thought every single day since Dec 2019 and whilst ultimately here I am 15 months later still with WGF I realised I cannot Do that every day for the rest of my life. It is not fair to myself or to WGF (even criminals are pardoned eventually)
Yes WGF is now in IC but this is also my IC. The same one who this week told me I don’t need to know the whole truth, I don’t need a timeline. So I don’t see any eureka moments coming from her work in IC. I hope at minimum WGF is able to use IC to recover from the situation she put us in and be a stable mother and coparent.
So as I’ve mentioned before we are in the unenviable situation that we both still love each other very much but I am it seems unable to fully commit (at least not on her terms) and WGF is unable to give me what I have asked for which includes NC (AP is a colleague) in part due to the fact that I can offer her no guarantees that in doing so I can put this behind me.
So to answer a question posed above, do I see any hope? Yes 50% of me does, but the other 50% disagrees with me. I’ve listened to the positive voice for 15 months but now it’s time to listen to the other one.
Today when I look to the near future I see a life without WGF, healing on my own, coming to terms with the consequences of those terrible choices she made, finding myself and building a new life, doing things I didn’t do previously because I was in a committed relationship.
If I look further say 15 / 20 years I still see retirement at the seaside with WGF !!! And we’ve even had this conversation. Crazy I know, Maybe that will happen, maybe we have to go through this stage to get there, to have some time apart to be able to get there or maybe (most likely) this is the beginning of the end of this chapter.
I wish things were different, I wish I was different but I can’t spend the rest of my life wishing. I have to take the bull by the horns, take what appears to be the lesser of 2 evils and see where that leads.
Which brings me back to the purpose of this post, whilst the kids don’t know it is essentially “business as usual” at home and therefore sharing the same bed etc which is not allowing either of us to even start the process of detaching. So this conversation with the children has to happen soon for both mine and WGFs sanity.
I wish I didn’t love her still, I wish she didn’t love me, I wish I could get even the slightest bit angry about all this but...... there I go wishing again, wishing hasn’t worked for me for the last 15 months so why should I expect it to work in the future.
Still very heartbroken but trying to move forward the best way I know how.
Edited to add: my own research has led me to believe that true R and a better M is possible but that it’s extremely rare and that it’s only possible with 100% commitment from both spouses who are willing to do absolutely everything with a huge amount of patience, understanding, empathy to get there. That it seems it’s not us hence our change in direction.
We don’t have to like it, just accept it.
[This message edited by TwoDozen at 6:53 AM, March 26th (Friday)]