"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Graphite posted 4/5/2021 11:51 AM

Wow Minnesota, so many true words spoken in your post. Alien abduction indeed. Hard to swallow. Like being in Terminator and realising your loved one is now a cyborg and some alternative reality kicked in.

Unrealized, I feel for you, it is terrible. The loss is just terrible and the most unnatural thing on earth for infidelity to trump the bonds we make when we have our kids.

A few practical suggestions. Keep a jornal of your grief journey. Separately, keep a notebook of progress made, of positives. Mine is dead simple, like today I made a nice crumble or the kids laughed. We need these minor victories in chaos.

Find a way to let the children note the loss. This is uncomfortable. But it is also surreal not to notice in small ways the absence and how you know it is not normal. Don't be afraid of letting them know you know something bad happened here.

Show them you cope but also that you feel.

Make a new inventory of values. In this family we show care and respect. In this family we take responsibility for everything we do.

Maybe encourage them to sleep in their own rooms. It will send the message you trust them to get through this. Trust yourself to get through this.

Wishing you strength. Hugs.

Unrealized posted 4/11/2021 00:21 AM

Minnesota - yes divorce is the only solution in my case. Why? I just cant forgive her or trust her again. Also, the ease at which she has moved on, without a hint of remorse is just staggering, I hate the MIL also. I was close to legal action against her! Abducted by aliens is a really good analogy for the way my WW has changed. I can accept that I will never be told the complete truth - however the kids know, as do my friends and family - who have been great. That's all the matters really.

On a brighter note I am close to having the house sorted. This has been a huge stress off my mind. In fact I have been feeling really good since the separation agreement was signed.
I know and expect some dark days but if I can make sure I keep rested, eat healthy and basically follow the advise from this site I will get through this.

On that, thanks for your replies, I still read the site every day- it helps me stay focused.

Westway posted 4/13/2021 11:49 AM

In my case it wasn't that my XWW changed suddenly. The truth is she is what she always was, and i was just too blinded by love to see what she really was the whole time.

Since our divorce, I can now step back and really look at her without the love goggles, and what I see is pretty disturbing.

BetrayedGamer posted 4/13/2021 12:05 PM

I see posts like this and I wonder how my picker could be so broken.

7 years ago I met an elementary school teacher. She didn't swear often, have any extreme views, didn't seem bitter at the world (just her first Ex), was religious but not overly so. She seemed so normal, so stable (a rarity in OLD). After several dates she came off as a noble, genuinly kind person. She cared about other people's feelings, usually over her own. None of this changed after engagement, marriage, or the next 6 years.

How did she become a cold hearted cheating b*&#$ so quickly? What did I miss? How did I fail to see this coming?

grubs posted 4/13/2021 12:27 PM

How did she become a cold hearted cheating b*&#$ so quickly? What did I miss? How did I fail to see this coming?

You posted the other day on how your stbex sells well when either she really likes someone or she hates them. With anyone else she's indifferent. The first six years of your relationship she has been selling you on her. Now that she has her boy toy, you're no longer worth the trouble. You get the hate part when you're holding her back from her desires. It's not surprising that you're confused or that she had you snowed under for the first six years. I wouldn't worry about what the FIL thinks. Count your blessings that you're escaping the covert narc that she is.

thatbpguy posted 4/13/2021 15:27 PM

Unrealized, one thing I have learned is that kids know who truly loves them and is honest to them. My wife's ex was a master abuser/manipulator. Now, the kids hate him and avoid him. He rarely sees his grandchildren. They flock to us. Just be open and honest and in time they will know.

Westway posted 4/13/2021 16:09 PM

How did she become a cold hearted cheating b*&#$ so quickly? What did I miss? How did I fail to see this coming?

Covert narcs are impossible to detect sometimes, even when you live with them for years. They are insidious... just like your WW.

[This message edited by Westway at 4:09 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]

Unrealized posted 4/21/2021 05:21 AM

Interesting day. The OM had a meeting at my workplace- he is a client. I knew it was happening as it was in the calendar, and my boss let me know to avoid the area. I had that sinking crushed feeling for an hour or so and then snapped out of it. I just reminded myself that my ex wife and OM are low life’s and don’t warrant my time and mental energy. It actually felt good to get over it quickly. It helps that I have not spoken to her since the start of the year - she hasn’t tried to instigate a conversation and I can’t bear the thought of talking to her. I wonder if she feels guilty for what she’s done or is just oblivious to the hurt she’s caused. The whole situation is really strange.

Karmafan posted 4/21/2021 08:51 AM

How do you get through these periods?

What helped me at the beginning was to try and keep busy, and stick to my normal routine: wake up, get dressed, go to work, feed the kids, go to bed, repeat. Keeping a semblance of normality didn’t take the pain away, of course, but gave me a reason to wake up in the morning.

About your kids, mine also had a fear of abandonment after their dad took off: my middle child would have panic attacks if I didn’t show up at school by a certain time. It’s a normal, if heartbreaking, reaction to feeling rejected by a parent. It does get better, although you might want to consider some counselling later on. Two of mine had it and it did wonders.

So sorry you find yourself here Unrealized, I have been where you are and it sucks. But it does get better. A lot of the time much better than it ever was. Hang in there: one day at a time.

[This message edited by Karmafan at 1:03 PM, April 21st (Wednesday)]