"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

MayLove posted 3/24/2021 17:00 PM

So it's been awhile since I last posted here... telling the story of my husband cheating and leaving me and our family for a teenage girl.
DDay was September 2020 and we are on our way to divorce and I can't wait to finally be free of being his wife and carrying his last name.

He's still with the 17-year-old girl and living THE LIFE. I don't talk to him. Only if it's about our nearly 3-year-old. He picks him up every second weekend and my father hands him over.

Last weekend was the first time he had his girlfriend with him for pick-up. She got out of the car with a big smile on her face and wanted to introduce herself to my father. Thank god I wasn't there for that... I don't know what I would have done.

Most of the time I'm happy. I feel free. I'm not bound to working in his company for the rest of my life, his constant money issues, his arrogant talking and a hundred different things that I oversaw during our marriage cause I loved him.

But there are moments where I'm lost. Where I miss him and our life. Where I just want to go back and try to do things differently so I don't have to raise my baby boy in a broken family.
The questions why he did what he did are constantly on the surface. Wondering if I could have done anything to prevent this.
Has he always been like that and I just didn't see it?
He made me believe he loved me till the very second I found out about the affaire. The minute I found out he let his mask slip and hated me with a passion I have never seen before.

I think a lot about my little boy. How will he grow up. What do I tell him if one day he asks why we're not together anymore. Why his father's girlfriend is more important than him. (My husband changed weekends with me, so he could celebrate his girlfriend's 18th birthday without having to watch his son. Switching weekends let's me have our child on his birthday. My husband knows that and didn't care.)

What he did broke something in me. I can feel it. There's this sadness in me.. this constant nagging if someone is telling the truth or just using me.

Anyone here going through the same? Or did anyone go trough this and has survived... living a good life and "just not caring anymore"?

[This message edited by MayLove at 5:05 PM, March 24th (Wednesday)]

DanielJK posted 3/24/2021 19:17 PM

I'm on my way to divorce too, so I know the feeling of anticipation. I'm looking forward to finally being free of infidelity. What an awful thing to experience.

I can't imagine seeing AP near my daughters. I don't know how you do it. There is no way I would be able to keep my cool or be civil if I was in the presence of AP. The thought of him being near my kids makes me want to peel my skin off.

The minute I found out he let his mask slip and hated me with a passion I have never seen before.

I experienced the same. The level of disrespect for me went through the roof. I too wonder if she didn't respect me the entire marriage and I just didn't see it.

I have two daughters and worry about their future. My STBXWW royally screwed my daughters and me. I resent it with the fire of 1000 suns.

So yes, I'm going through the same and can't wait to get out on the other side.

Try not to worry. Better days are ahead. You're better off without him.

I wish you the best.

skeetermooch posted 3/24/2021 20:42 PM

What he did broke something in me. I can feel it. There's this sadness in me.. this constant nagging

I've been there - I know you feel broken and changed and you may be in some ways, but I promise you will be happy and yourself again. Your dday wasn't very long ago at all, and it sounds like it was devastating. Anyone would feel as you do now.

I've had since dday 1 - nearly two years ago to process this crap. My second dday was in August. Up until two weeks ago I felt deeply sad, missing my old life, the husband I fell in love with, scared at being alone, possibly forever at nearly 60...but a switch flipped. I can't say what did it - time, therapy, medicine, meditation, writing affirmations, etc but somehow I've gotten over a major hump - maybe not the last of the hurdles - but it was a good sized improvement. I'm not feeling sad and broken anymore. Just re-calibrating for my current circumstances, enjoying my space, my friends and life and optimistic about the future.

The questions why he did what he did are constantly on the surface. Wondering if I could have done anything to prevent this.
Has he always been like that and I just didn't see it?

The question of why almost certainly comes down to a lack of character in your WH. He might be seriously mental ill, as in cluster B, or simply immature and lacking in integrity - who knows. But either way you slice it - he lacked the ethics, maturity and backbone to honor his marriage. Nothing you did made him cheat. If he was unhappy he had many productive, ethical options and he choose none of those. He choose to start over with a youngster - to bask in the infatuation and run away from real life. Eventually, that situation will become like real life. Right now the girl may be pick me dancing to keep him from straying - hence running to greet your dad.

I suspect in time you will see his lack of character was evident in other aspects of his life. His irresponsibility with money was certainly one - that's another example of a messed up person choosing instant gratification over self-control and long term rewards. My XWH was terrible with money, deeply in debt etc because he had to have whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it and didn't think for a second about paying it back or ruining his credit.

He sounds selfish and immature.

Shehawk posted 3/24/2021 23:12 PM

I resent it with the fire of 1000 suns.

Well put Daniel

I absolutely hate what ws did to our family/son

It is repulsive and everything he hated about his family of origin.

He was a callous monster whose actions on the way out literally almost killed me. I find it hard to believe that is not who he was all along. You don't just become something you weren't imho.

Karmafan posted 3/25/2021 02:33 AM

If infidelity is incredibly painful, it’s even more painful to be treated with disrespect and contempt and wickedness afterwards. Even if rationally you know that they need to do it for their own sanity, they need to justify their abominable actions to themselves, it doesn’t make it any easier.

But you’ll get a lot stronger through this process and your boy will be absolutely fine. In fact, better off without a dad who would leave him for a ‘child’ My youngest was 2.5 y/o when XWH left and he doesn’t even remember his dad being there. He is doing absolutely fine! And the sadness will dissipate eventually and be replaced by relief and even joy. A life free of infidelity is a beautiful beautiful thing.

DanielJK posted 3/25/2021 08:15 AM

it’s even more painful to be treated with disrespect and contempt and wickedness afterwards

This is what amazes me.

To be treated as if WE'RE the one who cheated...as if WE'RE the bad guy.

It is so incredibly insulting.

Bigger posted 3/25/2021 08:50 AM

Sometimes you can only respond with black humor:
OF COURSE he was ecstatic at her 18th birthday! It’s no longer statutory rape!

Now he only has to stay with her for six years, that’s the normal statute of limitation and charges. Once she turns 24 he can go find a new girl.

My niece fell for an older man. She was 17 but looked younger and he was 31. My brother asked me to do a background check and I found a couple of mentions about him dating young girls – down to 13-14 years old. Despite warnings she went off and married him the minute she turned 18. Four years and 2 kids later she walked in on him getting a BJ from a 15 year old female relative from his side…

I don’t know if your ex has the same kink. I hope not. Truthfully, I hope that this new GF and your ex remain together forever and create a safe and loving environment for your son when he’s with his dad. I don’t worry about your son questioning why you aren’t together – you will find age appropriate answers as you go along.

Karmafan posted 3/25/2021 12:21 PM

Sometimes you can only respond with black humor:
OF COURSE he was ecstatic at her 18th birthday! It’s no longer statutory rape!

The1stWife posted 3/25/2021 16:56 PM

Get some professional guidance to help deal with this situation. The professional help should also give you help with your child and how best to navigate this situation.

There is nothing you could have done to prevent this. Counseling will help you with that also.

Be present for your child. That is what is best for your child.

Anna123 posted 3/26/2021 11:58 AM

Wondering if I could have done anything to prevent this.

No. He does what he wishes to do.

Has he always been like that and I just didn't see it?

Yes. It was always in him. One of my biggest lessons of being a BS is realizing how much I projected on other people in my life.

He made me believe he loved me till the very second I found out about the affaire. The minute I found out he let his mask slip and hated me with a passion I have never seen before.

Reflect on this and see it for what it is. It is actually frightening in a way someone can be so adept at this level of deceit to one who trusts them. Never forget the hatred he showed. This is the truth. The love you felt came from you, and it is still there to be shared with your son, family, friends and a few years down the road perhaps, someone else.

I think a lot about my little boy. How will he grow up. What do I tell him if one day he asks why we're not together anymore

Emotionally the most difficult task, yet actually the most straight forward. Age appropriate, you tell him daddy chose to be with someone else other than MayLove. It was never MayLove's or Sons fault, just dads choice. Short and sweet, no finger pointing, just the basic facts. You love son and he is safe.

Sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself.

Justsomeguy posted 3/26/2021 13:30 PM

Heading to divorce being finalized soon I hope. And yes, i get the "something is broken inside me" thing. I think I've now resigned myself to always being damaged from this.

My STBXWW isn't a monster. She would need to be more capable to be monstrous. I think she is more like a jellyfish, a collection of cells all working together but lacking a developed central nervous system. Everything acts in concert, but lacks a will or goal. To expect self awareness or growth from this would be the height of fatuity.

She does have a mask, but it's so she can live with herself, so she does not have to resolve the difference between who she thinks she is and her actual character. But, as they say, the body keeps score, and this inner tension has manifested itself physically, with premature aging and a bitterness that follows her like a shadow. If ever there was a face that could sour milk...

I dont know if others feel like this, but I often fee guilty for the pain I hold, as if it's not bad enough for me to hold it. So many others have suffered so much worse, through war, famine, injustice, disease...How can I justify my little broken heart among all this? So, like many here, i breath in and breath out. I put my clothes on each day and shuffle off into the world, trying to act as normally as I can, so people won't notice what they really don't want to see anyway.

Hope it gets better for you...for all of us.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 1:31 PM, March 26th (Friday)]

MayLove posted 4/5/2021 14:00 PM

skeetermooch: I suspect in time you will see his lack of character was evident in other aspects of his life. His irresponsibility with money was certainly one - that's another example of a messed up person choosing instant gratification over self-control and long term rewards. My XWH was terrible with money, deeply in debt etc because he had to have whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it and didn't think for a second about paying it back or ruining his credit.

He sounds selfish and immature.

You are right. The more time passes and the more distance I have to those years I spend with him... the clearer I see his immaturity. Those really bad character flaws and I wonder how I could have overlooked it.

Karmafan: But you’ll get a lot stronger through this process and your boy will be absolutely fine. In fact, better off without a dad who would leave him for a ‘child’ My youngest was 2.5 y/o when XWH left and he doesn’t even remember his dad being there. He is doing absolutely fine! And the sadness will dissipate eventually and be replaced by relief and even joy. A life free of infidelity is a beautiful beautiful thing.

I know my ex wouldn't care for his son if it wasn't for his mother. She wants to see her grandchild. That's the only reason he's picking him up every second weekend. My boy never asked where he was... never said anything but suddenly whenever he get's back from his "Daddy-weekend" he says things like: Mommy don't you like daddy anymore? I want to like daddy. Daddy is nice to me"....
Don't get me wrong... better he's nice to him than ignoring him. But I wonder how long this lasts. I don't want him to break my child's heart too. And he will!
It's things like: He'd rather spend Easter with the OW than seeing his child. Or preferring celebrating the 18th birthday of her than his son's 3rd.

Bigger: My niece fell for an older man. She was 17 but looked younger and he was 31. My brother asked me to do a background check and I found a couple of mentions about him dating young girls – down to 13-14 years old. Despite warnings she went off and married him the minute she turned 18. Four years and 2 kids later she walked in on him getting a BJ from a 15 year old female relative from his side…

I don’t know if your ex has the same kink. I hope not.

I do think he has the same kink. She's the third minor he's with. Two before me (he was around 23-24) and now this one. I found out that he's cheated on all of them.. I'm the fifth... and I can't believe I only found it out now.

Youknowit22 posted 4/12/2021 13:46 PM

I am heading for divorce, I am pretty sure of it. Reading your post put me in instant tears as I am thinking of my own 3 young children.

My soul aches for them and I just want to make it better for them. I can't believe a man I once loved so deeply could put his family in this situation. He claims to care only for the children, and I can't help but think IF that was true he wouldn't have done this.

This is the second time him and I have departed and the first time he claimed to still love me, but just like your soon to be ex this last time he has shown his true colors and I have no idea who the man I am married to is. He despises me and wants nothing to do with me.

I am fearful he is going to use the children against me because he knows how much I love them and want to be with them. He thinks that because he is their dad he gets 50% custody. I don't want things to get messy for their sake and I am hoping they won't.

I am just new to all of this but stay strong. I am firm believer that people get what the deserve and he will get his soon enough. That 17 year old is going to grow up and discover that she doesn't want him.