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2 Years ruminations

Chicklette posted 3/23/2021 09:02 AM

Yesterday was our 2 year anniversary of DDay. Last year on that date I was still terrified of the feelings and even got FWH to stay in the bathroom while showered. Anyone else find that the shower can be a painful place? I guess its because youre alone and the thoughts can intrude too much. This year I didnt feel that way. In fact Id been awake a while before I realised the date. I did tell FWH and he apologised and hugged me. I honestly never imagined that Id be this far forward after 2 years. I think, for me, its that FWH is truly remorseful. Hes supportive of me in every way, not just my grief over the A, but in all aspects of my life.

In a way lockdown has been a blessing. Were together almost 24/7, so it would be almost impossible for him to cheat again if he wanted to. We get on better now than we ever have done and I feel grateful and blessed. Obviously Id wipe his A from history if I could, but I am very happy with where we are now. His distress over what hed done caused him to open up to me more than hed ever done in the past, and this openness continues.

So Im in a happy place. I still think about the A every day, at least once, but the overwhelming pain is rare these days.

Wishing all of you all the best, and hoping we all find our pot of gold at the end of our rainbows. And Im not living in cloud cuckoo land. My first marriage ended in D after he left me for his AP while I was in labour with our second daughter. When I found out about my current Hs A my instinct was to throw him out and end the marriage. But we got back together three weeks later and persevered, and Im so happy we did. Hes not a narcissistic bully like my first WH, and after 29 years of marriage I feel I know him quite well.

TX1995 posted 3/23/2021 10:03 AM

I'm glad this year is better for you Chicklette and that you are in a good place.

The shower used to be AWFUL. Mind movies, intrusive thoughts, the works. I used to wait until the very last minute to shower. I got myself a little waterproof shower speaker and now listen to podcasts or books in the shower. This has helped 1000%. I also told WH about the shower difficulty and he makes sure to check in with me after each one because he knows it can be hard. That helps too.

Chaos posted 3/23/2021 14:14 PM

After DDay1 I cried every time I showered. I cried as I rubbed the loofa over my unworthy body. I would get out and towel off and look in the mirror and say to myself "no wonder". It total bullshit - but that is what happened. And it happened for a long time until I forced myself to break the mold.

Now - I take my time in the shower. I make sure I condition the full 3 minutes. I make sure I use the pretty scented shower gel. I make sure I put mask on my face. I do it up. I make sure I treat myself well and use the shower as my self care now.

Chicklette posted 3/25/2021 09:54 AM

Thank you for your responses. I'm glad I'm not the only one to cry in the shower. It's such a difficult time. It's where I'm most likely to still have intrusive thoughts even now. Other than in bed in the middle of the night. I can wake up feeling fine, thinking of other things, but often I will find myself having thoughts about the A, and of course the middle of the night is a cold, lonely place.

But I am very grateful to be where I am on this journey after 'only' 2 years. Infidelity is such a huge trauma, and I still remember those early months and the terror and panic I felt all the time. I couldn't eat, sleep, talk about anything other than what had happened. But now I am on a different path and feel very 'lucky'.

gmc94 posted 3/25/2021 14:28 PM

For at least a year, showering for me was like the Glenn Close character in the opening sequence of "The Big Chill" . It got better when I'd turn on the speaker and play - at the loudest level - all the sad and righteous infidelity songs (Beyonce, Pink, Florence & the Machine, Kelly Clarkson,
Annie Lennox, Dixie Chicks, Sara Evans - I had a whole damn playlist called "liars & cheaters" )

You aren't alone and mazel tov on the happy place.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 2:31 PM, March 25th, 2021 (Thursday)]

Iwasyoungonce posted 4/18/2021 10:23 AM

Okay, now I want to see that playlist gmc!

JoVCT posted 4/19/2021 09:20 AM

Thanks, Chicklette - you give me much hope. My situation is very similar to yours, but I am only coming up on the one year anni of DDay. My FWH is as supportive as yours seems to be, and like you, the pandemic quarantine was a helpful thing, in that we did a lot of work on our marriage during all that time we spent together. Congratulations on where you are now; I hope it stays like that forever.

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