Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Just Found Out :
perception vs. truth


grubs ( member #77165) posted at 8:23 PM on Monday, March 29th, 2021

Avoid drama at all costs!

I know you are having an affair with OM. I have seen proof and am 100% convinced. This of course terminates our relationship. Since the house is mine then I want you out as soon as possible.

Don’t show her photos, tell her about the PI or anything. You just KNOW

Regarding the OM wife. Tell her the truth. That you are terminating your engagement with her friend because you are convinced she’s having an affair with her husband.

If you have some hope of reconciliation… Friend – I have to say that with her track-record I strongly suggest you save yourself that bother.

100% agree with Bigger on all those points. I'd just text her the middle quote and disengage on any other conversations, but on how to handle her moving out. When she denies, and she will. just repeat.

I know you are having an affair with OM. I have seen proof and am 100% convinced.

You now have a clear path to walk to getting yourself out of the infidelity. Start walking it. For family and friends, just send a modified version of what Bigger suggested for the OBS. That you are breaking off the engagement because you have proof that she was cheating with one of her friend's husband.

The sooner you start, the sooner you get yourself free and you can start healing.

[This message edited by grubs at 2:27 PM, March 29th (Monday)]

posts: 748   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8646408

Jambomo ( member #74853) posted at 8:28 PM on Monday, March 29th, 2021

I’m so sorry for you, this is the time it hurts the most, when you just find out for sure.

You won’t see it now but there is a time down the road when you’ll be glad you found out and didn’t marry her. Know that you will get there, however hard and unlikely it seems right now. You will because we all do.

Right now, take care of yourself - try to eat food, drink water, stay off the booze (makes the sadness much worse) or other substances. You’ll start to feel better when you are into No Contact with her and no longer have to interact or see her everyday - it’s incredibly hard at first but then it becomes a solace.

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8646409

Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 8:58 PM on Monday, March 29th, 2021

Wow. I'm sorry that you are experiencing this pain glad you found out swifty with proof. I honestly didn't think you would catch her on such short notice with the PI.

Please let the OBS know what is going on. She might be able to find out more as they probably share a phone bill... if you want to know how long this has been going on or how often they talk.

You do not need to tell your WGF how you got the information only that you 100% know that she is having an affair.

Good luck and post when you can.

posts: 2803   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8646418

DanielJK ( member #75654) posted at 9:22 PM on Monday, March 29th, 2021

I agree with others…don’t reveal your methods, just tell her she is cheating, and you know it.

And remember what she said to you…

I think you are just imagining it

That’s textbook gaslighting. Don’t get distracted by that bullshit. I swear, there must be some cheater school that they all attend because the pattern is almost exactly the same in almost all cases. It amazes me. It is fascinating to witness on this website.

If you are done with her, just be done. No drama necessary.

BH 51
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8646432

BindassBP ( member #75283) posted at 9:28 PM on Monday, March 29th, 2021

So sorry for you. It's horrible to find out this way. But the silver lining is you are not married and don't have kids yet. You don’t have to confront, just tell her you know about the affair. And before doing that, please inform the other betrayed spouse. She deserves to know what piece of s#it her husband is.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2020
id 8646435

src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 9:43 PM on Monday, March 29th, 2021

Very sorry to hear what seemed to be the case. You saw what you saw under the table just like I saw my ex-wife playing footsies with her AP under the table. I agree with the majority in that you notify the AP's wife now. Fill her in on how you found out but ask her that she not reveal your sources. Get your skanky fiance out of your residence ASAP. Throw her shit in those black plastic bags and leave them on the porch with a note to go fuck herself. Call her over to have her pick her crap up. Go NC immediately except for any necessities regarding financial entanglements. She screwed with your mind, now it is your turn to return the favor. Give her no explanation, just bomb her. She'll find out through the AP after his wife kicks him out. You are hurting but you are lucky you have no children and did not marry her. Things will get better. Certainly, as your mind overtakes your heart, you will thank your lucky stars you are done with this lying cheating skank. Under no circumstances should you consider taking her back. Please don't be a fool.

[This message edited by src9043 at 3:53 PM, March 29th (Monday)]

posts: 419   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8646440

Divod62 ( new member #70853) posted at 10:25 PM on Monday, March 29th, 2021

I'm sorry for the shock and pain you're going through. Your fiancé has cheated on you during the honeymoon phase. She had the audacity to secretly flaunt her lover in front of you and the OBS in your own home. She invited her lover into your home and in all likelihood your bed soon after you left for the weekend. She lives for the thrill, and her actions prove she's entirely capable of living a double life. You are very fortunate to find out now rather than 10 years from now. Your perception is now the truth, there's nothing to save here, end it and move on.

[This message edited by Divod62 at 4:37 PM, March 29th (Monday)]

posts: 9   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2019   ·   location: CA
id 8646451

Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 11:19 PM on Monday, March 29th, 2021

Brother, so sorry that your suspicions were proved correct.

Again there is no benefit for a large Hollywood confrontation. For you, just as Big advised, terminate all contact as from now. She moves out and you inform the OBS of their deliberate actions and deceptions.

Now for you please get tested for STD and STIs. Legal advice even though you two aren’t married just ensure you know your rights as well as her responsibilities financially, for any incidental cost incurred during the separating process.

There is no need for further proof.

Exercise, eat well, IC and take care

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 6:45 PM, March 31st (Wednesday)]


posts: 1192   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8646463

 Absolon (original poster new member #78553) posted at 1:15 AM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

My sincere thanks for the support I have received from this community.

It has been quite a day. I have received enormous help from a good friend, whom I also told about what I was going through and so was ready when I gave him the bad news. I was on automatic pilot at work, but then was able to take the rest of the afternoon off.

This afternoon, my friend drove to the AP wife’s house (OBS? Sorry for my slow grasp of the acronyms here), rang the doorbell, and personally handed her the photos of my fiancée and her AP. They are time-stamped and explicit – in that they leave no doubt about what was happening.

The worst one might appear to be the one from the hotel – where they are kissing at dinner and then, the next morning, where they are kissing goodbye in the parking lot. By the way: what does it say that they are both so brazen?! It’s not like they were both in some other city. But while those are bad, the worst one is the first photo from Friday night, when AP arrived at my place. We live in a duplex, so she had to open the front door to let him in. And the killer … the absolute killer … is the pure joyous excitement in her eyes. It’s … I will never forget it for as long as I live.

About an hour later, today, once my friend had delivered these photos to the OBS, he then went to my place, where he handed my fiancée a package I had prepared for her. In it were of course the photos, as well as a simple note from me to her. I told her that my future goodwill towards her (not in person; just in my mind) would depend on the degree to which she is going to come clean about the full truth. I told her that we are finished and that—forget about marriage, of course—I never wish to see her again. I have given her until Thursday afternoon to move out of our place, which I pay for entirely; and I have asked her to leave her engagement ring in a clearly visible place.

So, about … not even … 5 minutes before my friend dropped off the package with my fiancée, I missed two calls from her. She then sent several nervous texts, asking where I was and why I wasn’t picking up and why I wasn’t at work. I have to guess that her AP had phoned her in a panic; maybe they thought it was someone getting at him and that she would 'get away with it'.

Then, after she received my package, about half an hour passed before more missed calls, more texts asking me to call her, then one text saying, “It’s not what it looks like.” Unbelievable. And, just before I started typing this, I received two very emotional voicemails from her: the first, I barely could make out what she was saying as she screamed and cried; the second, she is saying she isn’t going to try to pretend those photos aren’t what they are, but that it was the first and only time they have ever done anything and that he sort of took advantage of her when they got too drunk on Friday and then one thing lead to another and then and then and then …

I then told a lie—I never bluff like this—but texted only one thing back: “I saw you two holding hands under the table at our dinner party in September. The same private detective has been compiling evidence for months now. I only asked for the photos from this weekend because I wanted it to be undisputable. We are done. But, if you want all of this to end as civilly as possible, you will do the honourable thing and a) stop lying, b) stop taking me for an utter fool and c) tell the whole truth. I actually don’t care what you have to say, anyway, but if you don’t come clean to me, and therefore yourself, about why you did this, I guarantee you will continue to repeat this cancerous cycle for the rest of your life.” I have received no reply of any sort.

Sorry: I appreciate the degree to which people here advise me for a more ‘nuclear’ option—sharing this with her family, etc—but it isn’t me. I know myself very well. This is, and will for a very long time be, profoundly traumatic for me. For me to survive, I have to be true to who I am. While I love the stories of the degree to which people avenge the infidelity they have suffered, it isn’t in my DNA to plan and execute such things.

My strength will come from: not even having an in-person conversation with her about this; ending our engagement permanently; not, for a second, entertaining the possibility of R; and asking her to leave our former space.

Finally – I have to end on a petty note, since I have been trying to remain as composed and dignified as possible in writing this. While the AP is younger than me—he’s about halfway between her age and mine—he is less intelligent than me, less emotionally sensitive than me (something I always thought she valued) and, the real kicker: objectively I am much, much better looking than him. I know how superficial and vain that sounds. But it is true. I have often been compared as a look-alike to a well known British movie star that is in a lot of romantic comedies; this guy, while more muscular than me, looks like a bulldog. I just .. don’t .. get it.

He and his wife also have two young kids, so there’s that too. Sorry – I know a lot of you have asked various questions that I haven’t properly answered this last week, but I feel like I have been lurching from one nightmare into the next. At least I now have the ‘peace of mind’ that I am not crazy.

I am sorry if I disappear again from here for several days. I will try to update if I have the energy. Am booked in with my therapist for next Tuesday (earliest she could see me) and am staying at my friend’s. He is single so it is good that I am not inconveniencing someone’s family. Sorry also for how all over the map this is. I suppose it mirrors my mind.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2021
id 8646507

fareast ( member #61555) posted at 1:26 AM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

Well done. You do you. The only person you have to please and be true to is yourself.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2799   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8646510

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 1:36 AM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

I just .. don’t .. get it.

The only really important characteristics of an AP is willing and available. They always affair down. Even if he had been physically attractive his character was so very lacking.

But then again so is hers.

You did well. Eat. Sleep. Keep walking forward.

Even taking the high road don't lie for her if anyone asks. Those who ask deserve to know the truth so that their friends and acquaintances can be warned if necessary.

posts: 748   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8646514

Triedntesty ( new member #77363) posted at 1:45 AM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

Hi Absolon. From my experience, it will be money well spent hiring a PI, that's how I found out about my WS cheating, he would have taken it to the grave (lie until you die). Also PLEASE listen to your intuition, your gut, it is always right. I'm really sorry you have to go through this, you don't deserve it. When you have the proof, make sure you tell the AP's wife/GF and all of the friends in common. Let everyone know the kind of people these two are.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2021
id 8646518

DanielJK ( member #75654) posted at 1:55 AM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

“It’s not what it looks like.”

I'm sorry to say this, but she is the queen of gaslighting. I never knew what gaslighting was until I got to this website. Now when I see it, it makes me angry.

Take care of yourself. It's OK to feel like shit at this point, we get it. I can tell you I've been there and most people here have been there. Take time for yourself, take good care of yourself.

Stay focused on eating good, drinking plenty of water, and exercise if you can. Do a little more each day if you can, a new normal will emerge.

Glad to hear you are seeing a counselor and staying with a friend. You're doing all the right things, be proud of yourself. The number one goal on this website is getting you out of infidelity. You are on your way out.

Some books to consider:

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Cheating in a Nutshell

The Body Keeps the Score

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing

If you are like most of us you are going to be on a roller coaster of emotions. Strap in and get ready for the ride. I don't say this to scare you, I say it because sometimes knowing what is coming will help gird you for the experience. Turn your shoulder and lean into the wind. You will find peace eventually. Better days are ahead.

BH 51
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8646520

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 2:26 AM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

You really dodged a bullet by discovering the A now as opposed to after the wedding, I know it hurts but it would have hurt a thousand times more down the road both financially and emotionally, you deserve so much better than a proven cheater and liar, go ahead and make an appointment to get tested for STDs/STIs, yes she's also been playing russian roulette with your health.

EXPOSE her with ALL family and close friends and OBS without warning, she deserves to know, tell your family and her family the truth about why the wedding is off, that you discovered she was cheating with POSOM (make sure you name him) and don't for a second let her control the narrative in order to save face and make you the bad guy.

Keep posting frequently, the collective wisdom of SI could help you go through this difficult situation, we've "seen" it play out thousands of times, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script.

posts: 2417   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8646543

Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 2:31 AM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

It's not what it looks like

Such a classic line, so elegantly simple. When you break down all the blather, pretty much everything a WW says in an effort to minimize and deflect boils down to some version of that koan.

There have been threads here where the BH walked in on the WW and her AP literally in pari delictu, only for the WW to say, in a panic (whilst trying to cover her naughty bits with the sheet), "It's not what it looks like."

My one question to that is: "What do you think it looks like?"

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8646547

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 2:39 AM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

So far you handled this like a champ, now hit the gym and try to focus on your the future, expect more drama and the waterworks from your now ex-fiance, an don't fall for the "let's be friends" bullshit, it's not for you, cheaters are very selfish by nature.

posts: 2417   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8646549

DeWittle ( member #50857) posted at 2:49 AM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

I’m glad you have the truth but feel your pain, my hart goes out to you right now, BUT YOU’RE NOW OUT OF INFIDELITY. For that, I’m happy for you.

At this point I suggest to you that contact with her equals pain. If you need to hear the full story, that is what you need, but understand that you’ll probably never get that, you’ll get her version which will be more lies attempting to put her in the best light. Do what you need to do but remember, contact = pain.

Also, please don’t let her Hoover you back in.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 8:50 PM, March 29th (Monday)]

posts: 322   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2015
id 8646553

Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 3:01 AM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

My strength will come from: not even having an in-person conversation with her about this; ending our engagement permanently; not, for a second, entertaining the possibility of R; and asking her to leave our former space.

You've handled this really well. Going full NC is a wonderful idea. I know you aren't married but does she have any access to your accounts? Money? Do you have anything in the house that you would consider priceless? You might want to start taking her name off of any accounts she's on with you.

Your friend sounds great. Make sure he is with you when you go back to your duplex. If she is still there and you do end up having face to face contact you should use your phone to record the conversation.

Once she has moved out you should block her number.

I'm sorry you have had to deal with this but I'm sure you will find someone better that desearves you love when your ready to date again.

posts: 2803   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8646557

 Absolon (original poster new member #78553) posted at 3:45 AM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

Actually going crazy tonight.

I just don’t understand it at all. At any level. I am baffled.

Like … the only thing I can think of is that I maybe worked too hard—EG late nights once in a while—and that took me away from her from time to time. But she has always liked the lifestyle associated with my hard work.

We communicated well; had a really great sex life (I thought?); I was generous to her; even though I had more than my fair share of female attention, I was always boundaried about that and never invited flirtations; I am not jealous or possessive; I mean … the list goes on.

Nobody’s perfect. I know I am not.

But I ….. I can’t figure it out. This is caving my head in. How can someone ruin a near-perfect relationship like that? And, for what?

I felt okay today – doing things and acting upon plans. But now that I have had time to pause, I am just beside myself. The grief is terrible and overwhelming.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2021
id 8646574

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:49 AM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

Like … the only thing I can think of is that I maybe worked too hard

Stop. This is not your fault. The healthy thing in that case would have been for your ex to have a conversation with you about your work/life balance.

But I ….. I can’t figure it out. This is caving my head in. How can someone ruin a near-perfect relationship like that? And, for what?

You will never find a rational reason. You might as well ask why an acholic drinks, a gambling addict gambles money he doesn't have, or a druggie takes drugs. It doesn't make sense. They are just broken.

Get some exercise. Wear yourself out. Get some sleep. Eat. work. Hang out with friends. Repeat. Keep doing it until this passes.

[This message edited by grubs at 9:55 PM, March 29th (Monday)]

posts: 748   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8646575
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