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Bad sequel

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3rdTimeIsACharm posted 3/22/2021 10:26 AM

As so many of you, I am on the dreaded emotional roller coaster ride after D-day.
I currently try to find my self esteem back, cope with the pain and get a grasp on how I want my future life to be.
I thought posting here and getting insight from people sitting in the same boat might help.
Here is my sob story.
My wife and I met at work in 2009. After a few weeks of courtship we both fell in love and moved together rather quickly. She was in her early 20ís and I in my late 20ís.
Less then a year in our relationship my company offered me an oversea assignment in the States. It was supposed to be temporary and after a lot of talking we agreed that I shouldnít pass up on this opportunity. We agreed to a long distance relationship, contact via Skype and email. She visited 3 times during this year.
Towards the end of my contract, my company asked to stay and extend my assignment. I liked living here, it was so much different and exciting than home. After a lot of tearful conversations, we agreed that I will only stay if the company would offer her a job here too.
They agreed and we resumed our relationship like itís meant to be.
She had a hard time to adjust with family being a 10 hour flight away but she did really good. Even advanced her career with in the company and got promoted several times. I was very proud of her.
2 years after the move, our first daughter was born. As new parents we were super anxious but also thrilled how our life will be. A lot of joy but also stretches of misery due to being alone here.
At times we were arguing constantly. At 2014, close to my daughters first birthday, I accidentally had her phone in my hand when a text from one of our coworker popped up. My heart almost stop beating. I read all the conversations and I lost it. I had a complete meltdown due to the very graphic texts. After a few days of calming down, I tried to reconcile but she was completely shutting me out emotional. Said she doesnít know if she wants to be with me or not. Devastating time for me. I told her I will go on a 2 week road trip and I will come back with a decision how I want to proceed.
The decision I came up with was separation. Now she lost it and fell into deep emotional pain. Begging me to stay but I was not giving an inch. That was November 2014. My due date to move out was January 1st 2015. We got our ducks in the row, clarified child support, visitation, separated apartments etc.
I moved out and found a girl 10 years younger. Nothing serious for me, just to let off steam. I pretty quickly dumped her after a few weeks. Not proud of myself but I also couldnít stand this new girl starting to invest a lot in this relationship while I had already made up my mind that there is no future together.
After this episode, the mother of my child and I started to connect again. First it was just doing something together with our kid and evolved to having sleepovers after visitation drop offs.
9 month after break up, we moved together again. We were in heaven, falling in love all over again. Our communication in duress was still poor but there was more good than bad to talk about. We bought our first house and our second daughter was born in 2017. She got a new job at a different company and was going up the career ladder there too. In December 2019 we decided to marry (I already proposed while she was pregnant with child number 2).
Then 2020 came along and with it COVID. We stayed both full time employed and had to manage closed schools while working full time. Her company was poorly managed and started to really struggle during this time. She had to put in 10 hour working days including almost every weekend a few extra hours. Stress level was high on both sides. At New Yearís Eve, we had a sit down and she told me how unhappy she is feeling about everything and that she felt our relationship is at the same cross road like it was 2014. I felt my how I started to loose it but didnít know how to respond. I put the blame on the current situation and tried to reassure her, that when all this is over things will be looking brighter again.
Beginning of January she told me, she had to go on a 2 day business trip. She had to do this a couple times so I wasnít super thrilled after our talk but I was ok with it. But the nagging voice in my head was not quit talking. After she returned she was super distant emotional and physical. All my alarms were off the chart but I just couldnít believe she would do it again. After 2014 we both promised this will never happen again. After about a week, she returned to an almost normal state but still not quite like she used to be.
I started to snoop through her stuff when I was home alone but couldnít find anything. I could not bring myself to investigate her phone though. Maybe I was afraid about finding something or about her reaction if I couldnít find anything incriminating. For two weeks I could not think straight and finally decided to install a gps tracker on her car. I felt so bad and ashamed. I also started a log, documenting her odd behavior like putting extreme perfume on in the morning or doing laundry right before going to bed and getting ugly and defensive when asked about it. Sure enough I saw weird destinations she traveled to in the morning when she was supposed to be at work. And soon enough I was recognizing a pattern. I asked about her whereabouts and received lies in return. Because I wasnít really sure and still hoped she might just meet with a girlfriend to talk, I didnít escalate it like I should have done reviewing this mess in hindsight.
This was going on January and February. Beginning March I just couldnít hold it anymore. I called her in the morning 5:00am and asked about her whereabouts and received a lie of course. I tried to FaceTime but my call was denied. I texted her ďthank youĒ and didnít returned any calls she tried to initiate.
She immediately came back home and found me in a very angry condition. I didnít want to talk but anyway asked and every lie I called her out about was replaced with a new lie. We agreed to talk later this evening and she left for work and I got the kids ready for school.
This evening the lying continued and the first half ass confession was dropped. Yes she felt not loved and she flirted a bit but nothing else happens. BS, we went to bed but my mind was racing and I got up 2 am to sit in the living room. She followed a few minutes later and I accused her of just f-ing lying and I donít trust her at all. I demanded access to her phone and told her if she doesnít let me view it right now, she wouldnít have to at all and I would be done with her for good. She refused and a another half ass confession came out. She told me she is meeting with this guy but just to talk about our relationship. I asked her if she thinks I am that stupid and she finally admitted to having an affair. I fell in a deep bottomless hole, anger, anxiety, fear, sadness took turns to hammer me down. I told her that if she has time to fuck in the morning, she has also time to get the kids to school. I showered and left the house. I was aimlessly driving through the night and had almost an accident because I got so lightheaded that I almost passed out.
At this point I was sure I will divorce her.
I was looking up lawyers in the areas and so on. My productivity level this day was sub par or rather none existent this day at work (it was a slow Friday so thank god for that). During the day we started texting back and forth and she apologized and wanted to work things out. I told her that I will need time and that I wonít be there the weekend.
While I was a mess away from home we started an email and she provided a timeline, which matched my log and the gps data from the car. Based on her recommendation we started couple counseling with a therapist specialized in infidelity recovery. But she sure enough is in the same emotional distance like 2014.
I am now roughly 2 weeks past d-day and my desire for R and D is taking turns. Someday I really want to be with her, work it all out also for the kids sake and the other day I just want to leave because two words ďrepeated offenderĒ.
She is thinking about IC because she knows something is not right with her. She really tries to not shift blame on me but sometimes it just breaks out. I see her genuinely struggle with all of this but I am not sure if we are both out of the fog yet.
Per her account, she immediately stopped contact with the OM but I know they see each other every day at work.
She said emotions were involved but not to the extent of love or plans for the future.
Both saw it as fun and getting a kick out of it according to her. She also told her HR, a friend of us, however I havenít verified this yet. She even started to come clean to some of her family members, something she didnít do the first time.
I am getting support from my sister but the different time zones makes it somewhat hard to stay in touch.
We both agreed to not rush a decision.
Here my R/D ratio of today:
R.......|..D

I was also reading about the 180 and ďpick meĒ dance. Guilty of violating aspects of both but I want to change and take control.

It feels good to write this shit down.

grubs posted 3/22/2021 10:42 AM

It'd be better to move it all the way to D, and let her actions convince you to consider R. As a 2nd time fail at fidelity those actions would have to be very, very convincing to me. Get her in IC and give it six months. If no progress on why she struggles with fidelity and how to fix it, you really wouldn't any choice but to D.

Marz posted 3/22/2021 10:44 AM

Your marriage isnít broken she is. IC for her but I would not do MC at this time. Some MCís rugsweep which it sounds like what happened during her first cheating. You ended up with a repeat.

The most important thing upfront is to inform her other mans spouse without telling your wife. Youíll find out quick if they are in contact plus itís the best way to break an affair and you get 2 sets of eyes on this.

Google serial cheater.

You seem to be hesitant about snooping. You have every right to. There is no such thing as her having privacy to cheat on you.

Sorry youíre here but you need to wake up quick and get strong. Youíll come out much better that way.

If you donít take control she will.

Keep in mind all cheaters lie a lot.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:59 AM, March 22nd (Monday)]

Marz posted 3/22/2021 10:46 AM

I would DNA test your child.

3rdTimeIsACharm posted 3/22/2021 13:59 PM

Thanks for your feedback.

Yes, it being the second time makes it really hard for me to choose R.
The kids will be traumatized by a D but if this happens again in 5 years it will traumatic as well. Catch 22 I guess.


After incident 1 I was thinking hard about doing a paternity test. But the little one really looks like me when I was a baby and the same applies to her sissy. Both were ďmadeĒ in different states, I canít (or I will not) believe they arenít mine.
I mean I raised them so they are my kids.
However, it makes me thinking again if I should get a PO Box to get a test delivered discreetly.

Or shall I demand one and see how she reacts?

The couple counseling is supposed to be designed for infidelity recovery and shall later progress to MC. I will see if this holds true and reevaluate after a few sessions. She really wants to do IC, she admitted that she has a problem.

I already know not to trust her and told her that to her face but snooping makes me feel miserable. I am afraid I become addicted to it, right now I already checking on her location every hour minimum once. I hope this will settle but I will also insist to check in her phone once in a while. She has revoked her right to privacy voluntarily, I know this.

[This message edited by 3rdTimeIsACharm at 2:19 PM, March 22nd (Monday)]

HalfTime2017 posted 3/22/2021 14:05 PM

Don't allow for the remake of a Trilogy.

You see, when your WW says they don't or didn't feel loved, and allow another to come in and sweep them off their feet, its like when animals just sit there and watch as the males battle for dominance. Will happily spread her legs for the winner. Problem is, you didn't know you had to battle for your wifes continued fidelity and love. Why should you? YOu were married.

Its not that she didn't feel loved. For sure if she loved you, she would have told you, asked you, and tried to work on the relationship. She, instead of working things out with you, allowed another male to come in and challenge you. Opened up herself to get swepted up in romance. She has the emotional maturity of an animal. Her loyalty as a true wife sucks.

You've been thru this before, please don't repeat it again for your sake. For the sake of your kids to see Dad just get worked that way. That will create trauma for them as they grown up. You can live a better life. So what if she is being more honest this time around..... she may be even way more honest the next time. She is learning from her past mistakes..... to be a better cheater. Just like you're learning from your past mistakes of being cheated on prior.

I'd say move on. Maybe she comes around, maybe she doesn't, but unless you have super strong boundaries in place for her, and she gets a ton of work, its not likely you'll be happy long term. And you too deserve to be happy. Not just her during her affairs.

Marz posted 3/22/2021 14:26 PM

The couple counseling is supposed to be designed for infidelity recovery and shall later progress to MC.

Cheating is 100% on her. Do not take responsibility for it.

It was not a mistake but a choice/decision she made.

MCís are not gods. Do not take any blame for this.

Some can cause even more damage.

BEWARE

fareast posted 3/22/2021 14:28 PM

Sorry you are going through another dday. If the couples counseling starts to shift blame to you for her cheating, shut it down fast. That is all her burden to bear. Be there for your kids and make you a priority. Always value yourself. Sending strength. Good luck.

asc1226 posted 3/22/2021 15:30 PM

After incident 1 I was thinking hard about doing a paternity test. But the little one really looks like me when I was a baby and the same applies to her sissy. Both were ďmadeĒ in different states, I canít (or I will not) believe they arenít mine.
I mean I raised them so they are my kids.
However, it makes me thinking again if I should get a PO Box to get a test delivered discreetly.

Or shall I demand one and see how she reacts?

Donít bother hiding it. If she hasnít figured out just how much the depth of her betrayal has affected your trust in her (spoiler: she hasnít), this might give her a clue.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 3:32 PM, March 22nd (Monday)]

Robert22205https posted 3/22/2021 17:02 PM

What she did was cruel.

IMO, she was rethinking your relationship again because she was involved with the OM (not because of the long work hours). You deserve a better life partner than her.

If she sees the man at work (or even passing on the street) the affair remains emotionally active.

If the OM is married, notify his wife.

Since this is the second time, I suggest initiating divorce proceedings giving her until it's final to convince you she's a safe partner.

src9043 posted 3/22/2021 17:37 PM

She should have quit her job yesterday. This is bullshit. You stay with her at your own risk. I'd confront the POS OM. I'd notify their work. I would tell EVERYONE what she has been up to. I would go nuclear. Sorry, but you made a critical mistake going back to her after her first affair. Do not continue to make the same mistake unless you are willing to eat shit for the rest of your life. Go see a lawyer and file ASAP. Get rid of this trash.

3rdTimeIsACharm posted 3/22/2021 20:55 PM

thanks for your support and feedback.
Some is though to swallow but that's why I am here, to get some honest, raw and unfiltered opinion.

My WW and I talked today and I demanded access to her phone. This was only reluctantly offered and once I started reading the message chat with the OM it was clawed back. Her excuse was that she didn't want me to read it while the kids were still awake, in case I get a melt down. BS, I told her she earned a significant amount of minus points right now.

Later tonight I got my hands again on the phone. All messages when the physicals part started (sometime around mid of Dec 2020) to today were deleted. Of course just to protect me and my precious feelings.
This love bird story started in September of last year and they exchanged one to two text (long, fucking long texts) each day, filled with emoji's and playing coy.

I was instantly reminded by Halftime2017's statement

You see, when your WW says they don't or didn't feel loved, and allow another to come in and sweep them off their feet, its like when animals just sit there and watch as the males battle for dominance. Will happily spread her legs for the winner. Problem is, you didn't know you had to battle for your wifes continued fidelity and love. Why should you? YOu were married.

There I was signed up for the competition without knowing I was actually participating.

I told that I think this text exchange was IMO already inappropriate.

I made it to some text's mid October but had to really fight myself not to .
The conversation was so immature and childish.
Then one text of his struck my eye; I was reading it out loud to her: "You need to trust me, I will never do anything which would harm you in anyway" and laughing out load I handed her her phone back. I wasn't interested in the rest of the school yard chit chat.
She asked if I wish the conversation to be deleted. Go ahead love bird.

MCís are not gods. Do not take any blame for this.

Some can cause even more damage.

BEWARE


If the couples counseling starts to shift blame to you for her cheating, shut it down fast. That is all her burden to bear.

Thanks for the heads up, I will be on the look out.

Donít bother hiding it. If she hasnít figured out just how much the depth of her betrayal has affected your trust in her (spoiler: she hasnít), this might give her a clue.

I will have to read up on the legality to do it. The country were I come from it's illegal without consent of the mother.

If the OM is married, notify his wife.

According to her he is not. An initial google search couldn't bring anything to light except that his last address seems to be with his parents. What a low life.

She should have quit her job yesterday.

This would have been preferred by me but due to our immigration status, a job change is not so easy and I don't want her to be on my visa as a spouse and I pay for all the bills while she can play mom at home.

The end of the conversation was shifting to separation and I had the feeling she wasn't to upset about it. Guess I need to talk to my lawyer again.

[This message edited by 3rdTimeIsACharm at 8:59 PM, March 22nd (Monday)]

GoldenR posted 3/22/2021 21:12 PM

This is just the 2nd time you caught her. She's a serial cheater. They never stop.

Get a lawyer and DNA test the kids.

Buster123 posted 3/22/2021 21:37 PM

Run ! and don't forget to get tested for STDs, yes she's also been playing russian roulette with your health. You deserve so much better than this proven serial cheater and liar, life's too short.

The1stWife posted 3/22/2021 22:04 PM

GoldenR says it all.

Marz posted 3/22/2021 22:26 PM

Later tonight I got my hands again on the phone. All messages when the physicals part started (sometime around mid of Dec 2020) to today were deleted. Of course just to protect me and my precious feelings.

You can recover deleted texts using Fonelab.

At this point Iím not sure it matters.

BigNoob posted 3/22/2021 22:36 PM

She cheated on you in the relationship phase. You separated.


During the separation did she still see the OM? Who was the 1st OM? Did she see him during your separation?


I see a lot of rugsweeping after your 1st DAY with OM#1. Then you married her. She did the same thing again after a certain amount of years.


Your wife has a trend of shutting down and looking for excitement after getting depressed.

Honestly you have to ask yourself what is keeping you with a cheater? She failed in the relationship phase, and failed in the marriage phase of the relationship.

[This message edited by BigNoob at 10:37 PM, March 22nd (Monday)]

3rdTimeIsACharm posted 3/23/2021 05:31 AM


During the separation did she still see the OM? Who was the 1st OM? Did she see him during your separation?

He was working under her supervision. So yes, they saw each other every day. So did I, very rage filled months I lived through.
Privately they met 3 times during our separation, if I can trust her statement ( )
However, he wasn't the one she thought he would be.


I see a lot of rugsweeping after your 1st DAY with OM#1. Then you married her. She did the same thing again after a certain amount of years.

Yes, there was no real reconciliation with professional help involved. This prevented any real change.


Your wife has a trend of shutting down and looking for excitement after getting depressed.
You nailed it.

Honestly you have to ask yourself what is keeping you with a cheater? She failed in the relationship phase, and failed in the marriage phase of the relationship.

I assume some dependency issues on my behalf. I am afraid to cut loose for what I have invested so many years of my life.
I start to see that I will not get happy if I let this to continue to happen to me but making the decision is hard nonetheless.
I will have to establish some real solid and cruel boundaries to cut myself free from her.

nekonamida posted 3/23/2021 07:24 AM

I will have to establish some real solid and cruel boundaries to cut myself free from her.

Cut yourself some slack. Unless the boundary is over-the-top and meant to punish her, there will be nothing cruel about it. You deserve space. You deserve to detach if you want to after DDay. Anger, coldness, detachment, and D are all natural consequences of cheating. It may feel mean when you don't reciprocate her advances but it's not mean at all to protect yourself from someone who hurt you.

Check out the 180 in the Healing Library and follow it.

3rdTimeIsACharm posted 3/24/2021 04:15 AM

I had a talk with my older daughter (7 1/2 y), telling her that Mommy and Daddy doesn't love each other anymore like they used to. That we both love her and her Sissy and nothing what is happening right now is her fault. Telling her that Daddy might have to leave and seeing her cry out in pain almost completely broke me.
I felt 100x the pain I felt right after D-day.
This in return brought some very very nasty feelings of hate, resentment and disgust towards my wife to light in me.
How could she not have thought her selfish behavior would impact her family at all???
How much delusion do you have to deploy to justify those actions?

My R/D ratio as of today
R.........|D

[This message edited by 3rdTimeIsACharm at 4:17 AM, March 24th (Wednesday)]

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