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Mentally Stuck in DDay & in the Hurt

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MaintainThePain posted 3/16/2021 14:53 PM

I am writing this because this is the worst pain and worst feeling I have ever experienced in my life. I guess I needed to write this story and maybe get some guidance from a community because books and therapy just donít feel like enough. For reference, we do not have kids. Here is my story.

We have been married almost 13 years now and havenít been without our problems. Iím an emotionally closed off Army vet with PTSD and she has her own anxiety issues. This led to a lot of not communicating our needs over the years and assuming what the other is thinking.

September 2020. I get a call from my mom saying that my grandmotherís cancer has returned and she has maybe days left. I knew I needed to be there for my grandmother and for my mom. I immediately let my wife know what is going on. She encourages me to be there for my family and she will hold down things at home.
Later that night my wife approached me and told me she was extremely unhappy with the state of our marriage.

It took me a second to change gears from my dying grandmother to what my wife just said but I quickly realized where she was going. As I said, we have not been without our problems. Our lack of communication over the years has led to many issues such as feeling disconnected from each other, poor routines, lack of closeness, and even dead bedroom.

I am no stranger to harsh situations like this, having survived two combat deployments when I was in the military. My solution when I am depressed is to emotionally tune out the world and keep moving forward. I know this isnít good, but this is how I started surviving the depression I was feeling from our lack of physical and emotional intimacy. My wifeís solution to her depression was to assume the worst and believe she was unwanted by me. Like I did not want to be with her, and I can see that, given how we kept ignoring our problems. She also assumed maybe she was the problem and I wasnít attracted to her.

Our lack of emotional and physical intimacy just built up over the years and we each became too afraid to bring it up and rock the boat. When it finally is brought up, we have big fights and then try therapy or a book or something. This led to ďtalking about feelings=fightsĒ.

So, back to that night. She told me she was unhappy with the state of our marriage and she couldnít take it anymore. She wanted me to really think about what I wanted while I was out of state to be with my grandmother. She said she was so unhappy with the lack of intimacy that she was even considering an open marriage. I told her I was extremely unhappy with the lack of intimacy as well and I believed that both of our needs were not being met and neither one of us ever brought it up. I told her I was not interested in an open marriage and said we can find some way to repair our communication.

I promised her that while I was away I would think hard on the reasons why I was so emotionally tuned out a lot of the time and I wanted her to think about the reasons why she didnít communicate with me. We agreed to this. While I was out of state to be with family in crisis, I started journaling at night trying to get in touch with myself. My days were spent sitting with my mom next to my grandmother in her hospice bed.

It was all a lie.

When I got home after burying my grandmother, things were immediately weird. My wife and I had not communicated very much while I was away. She needed space. As much as I needed her while I was dealing with the loss of my grandma, I tried to be respectful.

After two weeks of being home, early in October 2020, I was suspicious of my wife. She was always on her phone texting with her guy friend (at this point I was never opposed to her having guy friends). Her phone never left her sight. She was distant from me in a way I had never felt before. I decided just to look at the phone records and see if I was making something of nothing. There it was. An 8 hour phone call the day I flew out in September followed by over 1000 text messages that ranged from daytime into the late hours of the night.

Since our phone plan was in my name and I owned the account, I had everything backup to the cloud and always meant to turn that off but never did. I made the dive.
It took me three days to go through everything I found and I had to do it in private. She was having an affair it it started prior to me even leaving.

The woman I never thought would ever do something like this. The worst part was, it wasnít only a sexual affair it was also an emotional affair. She fell in love with her AP. Where I failed to be an emotional person with her, some other person swooped in.

I approached her and at first she denied everything. When I told her I had her texts and pictures backed up she admitted it. She said she would not break contact with her AP and that would be a deal breaker. This hurt even worse. I was in so much pain I shut down completely. I started individual therapy through the VA to try to cope and she continued on with her AP. She was unsure if she wanted to try with me or leave me for her AP.

For the next two and a half months I begged her to break contact with her AP. I told her how much it was hurting me. I wanted her to start therapy with me and try to figure this mess out. She kept refusing. By December 2020 my heart couldnít take anymore. I was taking anxiety meds every 6 hours just to survive. My job performance was falling apart. I finally realized I did not deserve to be treated like this.

I looked up information on divorce and found out what I needed to do. Now I just needed to tell her.

I was trying to muster up the strength to tell her when she approached me and said she wanted to try with me. I was immediately filled with relief and also confusion. She finally wanted to try with me and give up her AP which was great but I had already mentally made a decision.

I decided our marriage was worth trying for, especially since only part of me wanted the divorce.

It took her until the end of December for her to finally break it off with her AP. Their bond was so strong that she and her individual therapist decided it was best to slowly break it off. She kept telling me how important her AP was to her and it was hard to break their connection. She loved him and still loves him. This is why she wanted an open marriage before, to be with her AP openly. How do I wrap my head around any of this?

From January 2021 until today, we are in couples therapy and both in individual therapy and have gone through many of the recommended readings such as the Michele Weiner-Davis book. The affair ended at the end of December but for me it just happened and I am still living in it.

I am emotionally and mentally stuck in the days I discovered everything and how I was treated afterwards. I have told my wife that part of me wants to try to work things out and part of me just canít get past what happened. She has admitted her feelings for the AP are still there and she canít do things that remind her of him because it makes her upset. This makes it even harder, knowing your wife loves another man and has someone else in her heart.

I have had zero movement with this. She tells me she is hanging on as long as she can but the limbo is extremely difficult for her since I donít know if I want to continue the marriage or not.

I feel guilty for not knowing. I am so hurt and torn apart by everything but part of me still loves her and wants to try. My head is spinning everyday and I feel lost. Our couples therapist has said I should have had more movement even though it hasnít even been three months since the affair ended. This has me feeling like I am delaying things and torturing my wife by being indecisive.

We are still doing therapy and talking openly. I havenít yelled at her once and have been respectful while making sure she understands my feelings. This is important to me.
I know she is remorseful and I can see the pain in her eyes and she has been doing everything right since January to make me comfortable. I have full access to her phone and emails and we talk constantly now.

I just feel like thereís a giant voice in my head saying not to let anyone treat you this way. Like a giant hill I cannot climb over. My heart is sunken, my chest hurts, and my shoulders are heavy. I donít know when I will know if I can get past this or not or even live with what happened. As I said before, I am still stuck in feeling like it just happened. I have never felt betrayal before.

I have been doing EMDR with my individual therapist where for some of the first times in my life, I have broken down and started crying. Both my parents were military as well so crying was something I never knew was ok to do.

If you have read this far, thank you for listening to my scrambled thoughts. I guess I needed to get this out and see what other peopleís thoughts are. Is it normal to be stuck and undecided on staying or going? Is it normal to feel like you are still in D Day?

I feel like my wife is two people, one I love and one who betrayed me and I canít trust. I needed her when my grandma was dying and she was with another man. I have never felt so much pain in my life.

My life is a living hell and Iíd rather be back in combat with my fellow soldiers .

src9043 posted 3/16/2021 16:19 PM

You have a lot to swallow. Your wife certainly has no remorse. She loves the AP and is about to bolt. She regrets hurting you, but that is about it. Not sure why she wants to continue working on the marriage. You need your own therapist who is well versed in infidelity. The voice in your head that tells you to leave is probably right. Your wife just isn't into you anymore from what you have written. Why did she all of a sudden want to work on the marriage? Are you plan B? Is the AP unavailable because he is married? Your marriage was in a bad place before the affair and now your wife has basically decided to destroy it. You sound scared where you should be angry. Regardless of what happened in your marriage, her betrayal is disgusting. When you needed her the most, she encouraged you to go see your dying grandmother so that she could carry on with her affair. Again, you have a lot to swallow and you are stuck with a wife that IS NOT REMORSEFUL, but is just feeling guilty and sorry she hurt you. At best, you might get a rug sweep of this entire episode. I would file for divorce with the understanding that you will rescind it if the marriage is worth saving. It is up to her to help you heal. I see none of that right now. Again, go find your own IC versed in infidelity. I am sorry you are going through this betrayal. Take care of yourself and do whatever it takes for you to heal.

BigNoob posted 3/16/2021 17:08 PM

Who is the AP? Is he already married?


To me from what you posted she tried to monkey branch to her AP and the branch was wobbly.


How long was this affair if she was "in love" with her AP I find it very hard to believe she turned off the love switch.


Has she given you a timeline?

Opened up all her SM as well as passwords?

Cut-out people not friends of the marriage?

Post-nup. Protect your retirement.

Told anybody?

LostOpportunities20 posted 3/16/2021 17:17 PM

The fact that she was so "supportive" of you to be out the door and spend time with your family seems to have been cover for getting alone time with OM.

How ruthless.

And then she kept you in limbo until she decided she wanted to try with you, but is now impatient at you trying to work through it...

I wonder if her wanting to work on your marriage is the result of her relationship with OM being shaky or cut off...?

Whatever issues your marriage may have had, you have a remorseless and ruthless person on your hands. Have the courage to do what I never did - make your own plans and think seriously about moving on. There is more pain on the way if you stay in this relationship, and it may very well not be worth what you get in the end.

Sadismynewname posted 3/16/2021 17:35 PM

I as a complete stranger to you am curious why you donít see yourself as a valuable commodity. You have remained a faithful husband to a very selfish person. I say own your worth because I am sure there are plenty of women that would appreciate you!

[This message edited by Sadismynewname at 5:36 PM, March 16th (Tuesday)]

annb posted 3/16/2021 17:42 PM

Hi, welcome to SI.

Listen, it takes YEARS to move past the pain. Not weeks or months but years.

I am almost 16 years out from my D-day, and probably the first several years the affair was on my mind the minute I opened up my eyes in the morning. Living in hell for years.

If your wife is getting impatient, she does not understand the devastation she caused.

Your D-Day was just a few months ago. ZERO movement is expected. The person you trusted the most stabbed you in the back repeatedly. Then to continue on for TWO months right in front of you. Honestly, her therapist was wrong, when an affair is discovered, you cut the cord then and there. No wiggle room, no compromise, cold turkey.

Don't be so hard on yourself, there's a great book entitled How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair. Very quick read, a must for your wife.

Is her affair partner married? Are you absolutely certain the affair has ended, it could have easily gone underground.

bonitabellows posted 3/16/2021 17:53 PM

Dear Maintain - what you are going through sounds like torture.
It is definitely normal to be undecided about the relationship and reeling from the discovery.The hurt is incredible.
I have told my WS that I need a year to decide whether to stay in the marriage.
Hopefully you can continue with individual therapy.This is a good place to communicate with others who have been through this.

This0is0Fine posted 3/16/2021 17:54 PM

We are still doing therapy and talking openly. I havenít yelled at her once and have been respectful while making sure she understands my feelings. This is important to me.
I know she is remorseful and I can see the pain in her eyes and she has been doing everything right since January to make me comfortable. I have full access to her phone and emails and we talk constantly now.

This could be a complete illusion. The affair (A) is possibly still ongoing. She is a proven liar and not to be trusted. She might admit feelings, but my guess is she is not admitting some sort of contact with AP. Burner phone, alternate email, encrypted IM instead of open texts.

I'm not telling you to yell at her. I am telling you I calmly told my wife that progress wasn't good enough for about a year before I asked for a divorce (D). Unwarranted kindness sends the message that you are OK with how things are unfolding. Some of the few times I made progress aside from asking for D, was when I told her, "That's just bullshit", "You're priorities are you, then your affair partner, then your kids, then your friends, then maybe me, if I'm lucky! That's not going to work.", "If you ever decide you want to contact him again, just reach under the bed, grab the baseball bat and beat with it until I'm bleeding and moaning in agony." and a few other choice phrases. Calm reason never once got through to her. Only drastic measures and proportional response.

What's the proportional response to being shot at? What's the proportional response to being stabbed in the back?

If your response is not proportional, then it will seem to your attacker, perhaps they haven't done that much damage. Don't let her get away with minimizing it on your stoic attitude.

Book recommendations, since you are already reading books: "Not Just Friends" by Shirly Glass. You will learn that the A isn't your fault, and it's time for your WW to put up some walls with the AP. "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda McDonald.

I haven't read the book you've referenced, but it sounds like right now your therapists are conspirators in perpetuating abuse against you. You need to critically evaluate who you have "helping" you especially considering the woman that was supposed to love you just caused you more pain than anyone else in your life.

tushnurse posted 3/16/2021 17:55 PM

Welcome. Sorry you are joining our club.

First and foremost your wife is NOT remorseful. She is regretful she has been called out and sad she had to stop to keep you. She is guilty about the pain she has caused you but she is not remorseful.

Remorseful partners do not hold feelings for their AP. Remorseful partners do not give subtle threats like I dont know how long I can hold on like this. Remorseful partners do support their spouse and understand that they betrayed their partner on a level no one should ever have to deal with.

STOP the couples counseling its doing more damage than good. Your therapist should not be forcing you to move past this at 3 months. Thats complete horseshit. It takes 2-5 years to heal from this and it is a HUGE trauma and you have already had trauma, do you know what makes healing from trauma harder? Having past significant trauma.

Now about YOU. Your relationship had some serious issues for sure. But what were you getting out of it? I mean did she give you emotional, physical, monetary support? If not you need to seriously figure out what staying is worth to you. This woman destroyed your trust and it will take you a long time to trust new people. What is she giving you now to help you feel like she is safe. From what you shared I see nothing in her worthy or an opportunity to start over and rebuild and no significant work on herself to figure out why she did this and how she is fixing that to be a safe partner again.

See an attorney learn your rights understand what a D would look like for you.

Buster123 posted 3/16/2021 18:16 PM

Brother, the proverbial "writing is on the wall", your WW is in love with another man, that alone should be reason enough for you to file for D, life's too short, you deserve so much better than a proven cheater and liar who stabbed you in the back when you needed her support. Don't forget to get tested for STDs, yes she's been playing russian roulette with your health.

ChamomileTea posted 3/16/2021 18:39 PM

It took her until the end of December for her to finally break it off with her AP. Their bond was so strong that she and her individual therapist decided it was best to slowly break it off. She kept telling me how important her AP was to her and it was hard to break their connection. She loved him and still loves him. This is why she wanted an open marriage before, to be with her AP openly. How do I wrap my head around any of this?

From January 2021 until today, we are in couples therapy and both in individual therapy and have gone through many of the recommended readings such as the Michele Weiner-Davis book. The affair ended at the end of December but for me it just happened and I am still living in it.

I am emotionally and mentally stuck in the days I discovered everything and how I was treated afterwards. I have told my wife that part of me wants to try to work things out and part of me just canít get past what happened. She has admitted her feelings for the AP are still there and she canít do things that remind her of him because it makes her upset. This makes it even harder, knowing your wife loves another man and has someone else in her heart.

Ugh.. I really do think you've fallen victim to a crummy therapist. A good one would never have counseled your WW to take her time breaking up with her AP, nor would your recommended reading be anything by Michelle Weiner Davis. What did her therapist think would be happening to you while your WW strung you along like that? And what in the name of all that's Holy could she be thinking by inferring that YOU are the one with the problem because you're not over it yet???

OF COURSE you're not over it. For the vast majority of us, it's a two to five year process to recover from the TRAUMA of intimate betrayal. And here you are, already a victim of PTSD. This must have done a number on your brain. I'm just so disgusted with that therapist for not taking the appropriate care in your therapy.

First off, if you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk. He's unarguably the world's leading expert on trauma. I think you'll get a lot out of it and I think you'll begin to understand that your reaction has been NORMAL. Your amygdala were probably already touchy because of your previous PTSD. You poor man, they must've gone berserk with this latest trauma. No wonder you're living between dosages of anti-anxiety medication. They must be buzzing you all day long with adrenaline and cortisol. Keep in CLOSE contact with your medical doctor. You need to keep that stress level manageable, right?

Is it normal to be stuck and undecided on staying or going? Is it normal to feel like you are still in D Day?

Yes and yes. It's the trauma response which keeps you feeling like it's DDay. Betrayal trauma isn't too much different than other forms of PTSD. Events seem current, and when you read that book I recommended, you'll see it's ubiquitous. Our sense of time gets messed up. It's like, if you can imagine a leaf floating gently down the stream, our leaf has been split in two, with one half floating with time and the other stuck to the bank where our trauma occurred. It makes EVERYTHING seem kind of surreal.

In terms of the normalcy of ambivalence, yeah... crazy normal. Even those of us who choose R aren't really "all in" for quite some time. We may go with it in a "fake it 'til you make it" way, but yeah... one foot's out the door. And that's HEALTHY. It takes TIME to know for sure if our WS will turn it around. Hell, they just ripped off their face right in front of us and showed us a monster we didn't know existed. It would be NUTS to trust them without reservation afterwards. And once again, I'm soooooo mad at your therapist for suggesting otherwise. What a quack!

You're uncomfortable and you're going to stay uncomfortable until your WW remediates the poor character which allowed her to say "yes" to perfidy. She needs to take REAL responsibility for that without blaming it on you, or your marriage, or your sex life, or anything else.

NONE of this is your fault. Cheating is 100% about the cheater. You were in the same marriage she was, and you didn't cheat. It's about CHARACTER. It's about the gap between a WS's stated values and their actual deeds. Your WW has a "but..." in her core value of fidelity. ie. "She believes in fidelity, but... not if she's unhappy or whatever." You see how that works, right? You and I don't have a "but..." in our core value of fidelity. We have a "so...". ie. "We believe in fidelity, so... we don't put ourselves in risky situations with people of the opposite sex." This is the BOUNDARY. We build these boundaries around our core beliefs in order to protect them. It's intuitive. We don't sit around thinking about it. But it gets done.

For cheaters, not so much. Their core values are weak and permeable. They haven't spent too much time thinking about what they truly believe in and what value they place on those beliefs. I can't be made to cheat with a gun to my head. My core values are strong. My boundaries surrounding them are tall and inflexible. You see how that works? It wasn't your fault. The failure is with your WW and in how she interacts with her own values/belief system. You didn't cause that. You couldn't have fixed it. And you couldn't have stopped it.

And it's not your fault now that you're not over it. You know intuitively that even if your WW is remorseful, she hasn't done the real work to remediate her broken character. THAT's what underlying your ability to move forward. Your therapist has jacked up your process with faulty theory... the "unmet needs" model.

I'm going to repost something I wrote for another thread. But it's all about "unmet needs" and even though it might not all apply to you, I hope you'll see what a bogus piece of junk psychology it is:

Your MC is full of crap and you'd do well to fire him/her. Let me tell you how I know...

My own WH went on a Craigslist binge six years ago, multiple partners, various degrees of emotional attachment. He even thought he was in love at one point. But ten years before that, I'd caught him out in some online shenanigans, porn, cybersexing, emotional affair, etc. In fact, I caught him out only two weeks before a planned meet-up. I'd already seen an attorney before I confronted him and I was bent on divorce, but he pretty much cried his way out of it and I settled on MC. As you might have guessed already, we too were bamboozled with the "unmet needs" model of therapy, which sounds so reasonable. I upped my wife game, and did my best pick-me polka, but within a couple of years, he was right back at it behind my back. By the time we reached the ten year mark, he had screwed up his nerve to go live and in person on Craigslist.

Of course, I was pretty shocked as you might imagine. I thought we were good. I thought his "needs" were met. Damned if I hadn't been turning myself inside out for a decade to make sure, right? The more I thought about it, the more I revisited what I knew about the "unmet needs model", the less it made sense. I was doing everything right and he still CHOSE to cheat.

Here's the fly in the "unmet needs" ointment...
Healthy ADULTS don't need to be validated. They validate internally. Healthy adults are self-fruitful in the matter of contentment and life satisfaction, and when things come up which make them unhappy, they address the cause and solve the problem. OTOH, the vast majority of cheaters cheat because they're seeking external validation. They are NOT emotionally healthy. They can't do it on their own. They've got a hole inside them and no amount of external validation will fill it. Certainly, the old and familiar validation of a spouse doesn't get the job done. Our "kibbles" are stale and boring. They don't create enough adrenaline anymore to make the cheater feel special. It's like getting an "atta boy" from your mom, right?

This is old pop-psy which is still being taught in schools and still selling books. But it's bullshit. NOTHING you can do (or fail to do) can MAKE another person throw away their core values and do something that's in this kind of opposition to good character. If you're a person who BELIEVES in fidelity, who VALUES fidelity, you don't cheat. End of story. Because when we truly value something we protect it. The cheater has a "but..." in his values system. ie. "I believe in fidelity, but... not if my needs aren't being met." For people like you and me, we have a "so..." in our values system. ie. "I believe in fidelity, so... I don't put myself in risky situations with the opposite sex." This is the BOUNDARY we create organically. We don't sit around planning it out. It just happens, because it's innate to our character to protect what we value. The cheater doesn't have those boundaries because he doesn't really honor his values. He only claims to.

I'm not saying that your marriage is over or that your WH can't change. What I am saying though is that this "unmet needs" model is NOT going to challenge him to clean up his flawed character. In fact, it allows him to offload responsibility onto the marriage and onto YOU. It's not your job to MAKE him feel (fill-in-the-blank-here). It never was. It's his job to control his feelings. You could have been doing everything exactly perfect for the entire length of your marriage, and he would still have cheated... because there's NOTHING in his character stopping him and he has no coping mechanism to fall back on when he feels unvalidated, inadequate, unappreciated, etc.

It's HIS job to see that his "needs" get met. Sometimes that might mean negotiating with you, say if it's about sex or about the division of labor in your home, etc. But sometimes, it might mean that what he sees as a "need" is unhealthy in an adult, like external validation through attention and flattery.

MC's are there to treat the marriage. The marriage is the client. So, of course they're going to talk about communications, resentments and expectations. The MC doesn't want to alienate anyone, so s/he's looking to find balance on both sides. But marriages don't cheat. People do. The only way your WH is going to make a change that safeguards against further perfidy is by correcting his need for external validation and becoming an emotionally healthy adult whose deeds are as good as his word. No excuses, just honoring the things he claims to value. For that, I would recommend IC (individual counseling) with a therapist who is well-versed in adultery.

The last thing any newly-minted BS needs is to walk into an MC's office, believing that they've come to safe harbor, and being handed a copy of The Five Love Languages or some other "unmet needs" gobbledygook. It would be really nice if we actually did have the power to control our mate by giving them "acts of service" or "words of affirmation", but sadly, we aren't gods who can stop a cheater from seeking out his/her choice of adrenaline rush and new kibbles. Although, this kind of pop-psy suggests that their behavior is somehow our responsibility. The more you dig into this ridiculous line of thought, the more absurd it becomes.

Anyway... sorry for the lengthy post. Nothing fries my ass more than seeing new BS's being sold this bill of goods.


Anyway, I know I posted a tome. But my advice to you is to fire the bad therapist and get in with someone who is Gottman trained, and even then, beware of that "unmet needs" jargon. You want someone who puts the responsibility for cheating 100% on the cheater because marriage don't cheat. People do. And when they do, they need to dig deep and find out why they allowed cheating to be a choice.

You might also add Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass to your reading list. It's a good book and her work on boundaries through her "walls and windows" technique is invaluable.

Remember that leaving is also a viable option. No cheater is owed a second chance. Sometimes, when you've ruled out everything else, the cheating was just a deal-breaker. Some people are built like that, and there's no shame in it. The best bet is to take your time and keep your options open until you really do know your own mind on that.

Strength to you as you process... and don't let those therapists push you around. You ARE enough and you intuitively know what's working and what's not. Trust yourself.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 7:01 PM, March 16th (Tuesday)]

faithfulman posted 3/16/2021 19:00 PM

Their bond was so strong that she and her individual therapist decided it was best to slowly break it off.

Yes another shitty, amoral therapist.

How people keep on putting so much faith in these people is beyond me.


I feel guilty for not knowing. I am so hurt and torn apart by everything but part of me still loves her and wants to try. My head is spinning everyday and I feel lost. Our couples therapist has said I should have had more movement even though it hasnít even been three months since the affair ended. This has me feeling like I am delaying things and torturing my wife by being indecisive.


What does that even mean? Sounds like another shitty therapist.

Brother, I am not going to go into your individual therapist, but no therapist is going to make your wife honest, caring, and loyal, and no couple's therapist is going to fix your wife's cheating ways, nor should you allow that therapist to tell you that you should be feeling something different at this early stage.

You are hurt. I know it is not easy. But if you think about it rationally, you can see what the problem in your life is.

You have no kids. Don't volunteer to be abused.

Good luck sir.

ZoeS posted 3/16/2021 19:32 PM

I am so sorry this happened to you, MtP. I'd like to give you a hug, it sounds like you need one. Your post also makes me really angry because it's a lot of crap that gets loaded on a betrayed spouse by incompetent, insensitive people who don't have a clue what they're talking about.

ChamomileTea has outlined so many important points clearly. Just to reiterate.

This is NOT your fault. All marriages have problems, lack of communication, etc. It's not an excuse to betray your partner as your WW has done to you. There is no excuse. Please stop taking on the blame for this.

Your marriage counsellor sucks. Stop going right now. It's absolute nonsense that you should have "forward movement" at this point, especially with such terrible, unsupportive advice.

Your WW needs to get her head on straight. You can't heal, make progress, or decide anything while she is pining over her AP. If she wants to make the marriage work, she should focus on fixing herself and expect NOTHING of you right now.

You are not torturing your wife by needing time. You are going to need way more time just to stabilize and begin to think and feel clearly again. This is a massive trauma. I can't speak to the kind of PTSD you've already had to cope with, but intimate betrayal is soul shattering. Everything you're feeling is normal and you take the time you need to process. Focus on helping yourself. What you need. This is critical, whatever your W does.

I understand your pain, I've felt it too. It was the worst I've ever felt, and I also didn't know how it would ever stop. It does get better. Take it one day at a time, and give yourself all the grace you can. Imagine a light at the end of the tunnel even if you can't see it yet. You are doing well, seeing a therapist. Take care of yourself in every way, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You can't fix your marriage until you fix yourself, and the same exact thing is true about your W.

Bigger posted 3/16/2021 19:47 PM

MTP
Fall back to your military training and experience. This is a war more than a battle and wars take time. Right now nobody can tell you how this will end, but IT WILL TAKE TIME.
If you donít take care of yourself you wont have the stamina or ability to see this through. You know that from the military. The importance of preparing, training, pacing yourself, nutrition, sleep, active duty and rest and recreation.

If you can then start exercising. Even a 30-minute walk will help.
Take care to eat Ė preferably healthy but anything nourishing will do.
Drink. Preferably water, but stay off booze. A beer wont kill you, but strictly limit your consumption.
Be mentally awake. Sinking into the blues? Keep mentally active to snap out of it.
Rest and rest like you are off duty. If you are having a hard time sleeping, get some mild sleeping aids.

You as a rested, fed and fit man can much better handle the tough times ahead.

guvensiz posted 3/16/2021 23:11 PM

Sorry for the situation you are in.
First of all, everything you feel is normal. This is the one of the worst traumas a person can experience.
Nothing can be an excuse for cheating. This is %100 your WW's stupid choice. And she did it in the worst possible way, at a time when she should comfort you for your grandma's loss. Worse, she turned this into an opportunity to enjoy her affaire with her AP comfortably. I don't know the person you love but you have one wife and this is her. She shows her personality by her acts.

And about her affaire...Do you know when and how it started, who the AP is, is he married or not etc?
It was bad that she suddenly said she wanted try again when you were going in the right direction after the initial shock was over. Do you know the reason for that when she was so in love with her AP? And you say she is still in love with him. This doesn't seem reasonable. The AP may have left her for some reason, maybe he is married. If so, you should inform his wife, this is very important.

Are you sure her individual therapist suggested breaking off slowly? Who told this to you?

And how was this slow break off process? Has the affaire continued?

Have you considered whether you really wanted this marriage or not? What will it gain and cost you if you continue? While describing the pre-affaire situation, you explained that both of you were so unhappy that even then it feels like you are about to divorce. So why do you still want to try it when the situation has gotten worse? Your answer to this must satisfy you, and her answer too. She doesn't even love you and in love with someone else.

Sorry, but she has nothing to do with remorse at all. Are you sure that the pain you see in her eyes is for your suffer she caused by her affaire? May she not be mourning her love for AP?

I wish you the best.

66charger posted 3/17/2021 00:47 AM

Rest was the last thing I wanted to do when reality reared its ugly head. Good freinds removed me from the situation and we trained every morning and every night. I learned to associate the physical pain of grinding with the mental pain of what just happened. By the end of the day I had enough of both pains.

As you train your recovery time gets shorter and shorter. Shortening your recovery time (even if you are not 100% "healed") should be your next goal. You are going to go thru most of this on your own. Get to the acceptance phase as soon as possible. It happened and it will continue to happen until your vision clears and enough becomes enough.

Go deep inside yourself and accept what happened, Do not maintain this unnecessary pain. You are wasting your time greiving someone who is dreaming about another man. Turn around and just walk away. She is not worth the damage that she will bring to you.

Marz posted 3/17/2021 04:12 AM

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Sorry man but when your Wayard Wife started her affair she had to find an excuse to blame you. They all use this tactic.

The affair is all on her. She made that choice/decision.

Wake up to reality.

Marz posted 3/17/2021 04:16 AM

It took her until the end of December for her to finally break it off with her AP. Their bond was so strong that she and her individual therapist decided it was best to slowly break it off.

Sorry but this is insane and it was all at your expense. You didnít matter.

She kept telling me how important her AP was to her and it was hard to break their connection. She loved him and still loves him. This is why she wanted an open marriage before, to be with her AP openly. How do I wrap my head around any of this?

Let her go. Free yourself from this nightmare.

Marz posted 3/17/2021 04:19 AM

I have had zero movement with this. She tells me she is hanging on as long as she can but the limbo is extremely difficult for her since I donít know if I want to continue the marriage or not.

She cheats on you openly and is complaining about being in limbo? Bullshit. Sorry man but thatís not remorse.

I know she is remorseful and I can see the pain in her eyes and she has been doing everything right since January to make me comfortable. I have full access to her phone and emails and we talk constantly now.

Regret at getting caught and/or her boyfriend dumped her and sheís using you as her plan B.

[This message edited by Marz at 4:24 AM, March 17th (Wednesday)]

DBFool2019 posted 3/17/2021 06:20 AM

I needed her when my grandma was dying and she was with another man. I have never felt so much pain in my life.

I think this may be your issue with reconciling. I don't know how a person gets past this sort of treachery.

Sorry you're here man, we're all pulling for you!

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