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Newest Member: HeartbrokenQueen

Divorce/Separation :
It’s not fair

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 AsUWish (original poster new member #77301) posted at 4:18 PM on Tuesday, March 9th, 2021

I started this post in general and someone mentioned posting it here.

Here is the link to the original post:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=652860

Here is a copy of the post:

As I was driving today alone in my car I started thinking about my divorce and how I was going to have to pay the loan I took out to pay for it off before I could buy a new car-my car is beginning to have issues.

While thinking it hit me. My STBXH who’s cheated and is the cause of the D will get out of our D without any related debit where I, who was cheated on, will have debt related to the D. It seems like I got screwed in my marriage and now to get out of my marriage I’m getting screwed again!

I know I’m going to sound like a child, but It just seems so unfair!

He makes twice as much as me and soon will make 3 or 4 times as me. I am a teacher and will struggle to make ends meet financially after the D.

Everything just seems so F***ing unfair!

Why am I having to suffer so much for his A?

posts: 48   ·   registered: Feb. 12th, 2021
id 8640475
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 6:06 PM on Tuesday, March 9th, 2021

I completely get this. As my XWH had become a drug addict and stopped working, I charged up all my credit cards trying to just get by so by the time I figured out that I couldn't afford the house we had at the time, I was in massive debt. No one does well financially leaving a crack addict. I cashed out my 401k to pay off the credit card debt and buy a house. I wound up losing my retirement just to get out and no, it is not remotely even a little bit fair at all. It's just another aspect of the bad shit that happened to us.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 5083   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8640514
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:07 PM on Tuesday, March 9th, 2021

It just is unfair. 💯. I hope your lawyer is fighting for you.

Hang in there—-you’ll be free of him and his lies soon. Which is priceless.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6489   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8640516
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Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 6:52 PM on Tuesday, March 9th, 2021

If you’re making an agreement, then the “deal” is what you make it. Making a deal to be divorced sometimes boils down to making a deal within the likely parameters of what the judge might do if you went to that effort, expense and delay. Also, usually someone just gets sick and tired of being married and fighting with the other side, and there’s a price to be paid to be rid of the whole mess.

If you’re having the judge sort it out, you will likely get some things that feel like a win and some things that seem like a loss. Judges tend to say things like this off the bench: “I know I got that one right ....... they were both mad.”

Debt division, alimony and child support are knowable with great precision. The amount of alimony, child support and debt that a divorced person will pay/receive is “way more than I can afford” and “way less than I need” simultaneously depending on which side of the equation you are on. That’s the number. In every single case.

[This message edited by Wiseoldfool at 12:53 PM, March 9th (Tuesday)]

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 348   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8640529
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iHurtDec3 ( new member #51553) posted at 9:32 AM on Thursday, March 18th, 2021

It is unfair! no way around it! It fucking sucks! I'm sorry.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2016
id 8642752
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 2:51 AM on Sunday, March 21st, 2021

So very sorry you are going through infidelity. It hurts.

Just so very sorry.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1956   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8643681
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:09 AM on Sunday, March 21st, 2021

There's no justice with infidelity. No, it isn't fair. Never will be.

FWIW, I make twice what XWH makes. Still isn't what I signed up for or deserved.

This weekend, he's out of town (translation is off to see a f*ckbuddy.)

[This message edited by leafields at 11:02 AM, March 21st (Sunday)]

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 4581   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8643708
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 4:44 AM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

Life is not fair in general. I try not to dwell on the things that are not fair in my life, because there are many, that I am reminded of daily. I try to be positive and share love and happiness where I can.

posts: 356   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Eastern States
id 8647115
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BetrayedGamer ( member #78456) posted at 6:12 AM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

Kind of posted about this in another thread. There's more to look at than the financials, while the situation may feel unfair...D rules don't really punish an A except maybe in custody battles?...where you come out ahead is your soul/karma. They will always have the legacy of being a cheater, maybe they'll feel guilt maybe they won't, but they're the one with the rotten soul. The emotional pain will fade, the financials will work out in the end, but most importantly you'll be the one with the clean conscience.

Me BH (51) her STBXWW (47) AP (30)
D-Day 3/14 (3 months before our 7th Anniversary)
Multiple Rs requested but she refused
She moved out May 1, D final on 6/24
No biological kids, 1 stepdaughter

posts: 157   ·   registered: Mar. 6th, 2021   ·   location: CO
id 8647404
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 AsUWish (original poster new member #77301) posted at 4:01 AM on Monday, April 5th, 2021

I agree life isn’t fair. I will never be fair. I hate that everyone on the forum is here for the same reason.

Husband and I came to terms on division of assets for the large items. I gave and he took. He tried to force me to agree to things I didn’t want but I stood my ground. Looking back he really didn’t give me much back in those negotiations I was too nice.

I will ask for the moon in child custody and support though

posts: 48   ·   registered: Feb. 12th, 2021
id 8648112
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Notagain1 ( new member #78464) posted at 12:25 AM on Tuesday, April 6th, 2021

I am right there with you!!!! it is bullshit!!!

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2021
id 8648238
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 4:01 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

Husband and I came to terms on division of assets for the large items. I gave and he took. He tried to force me to agree to things I didn’t want but I stood my ground.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Warning bells!

Are you two negotiating divorce over the kitchen table or do you have any legal representation?

All debt – including any you might have taken for a vehicle – is joint debt. So are the vehicles so the bottom line might be that you end up with the debt plus the vehicle. But it’s not a given. You can refuse the vehicle and it be sold to create assets for the marriage estate to be divided.

That 3500 charge on the credit-card he uses to buy porn?

Have you LEGALLY made sure he’s accountable for his cards? It’s not enough that you two decide he pays that card. It’s not even enough that a judge signs off on a divorce settlement outlining he pays the card. If he doesn’t pay the card-issuer probably/likely has a legal right to go after you. All the divorce settlement does is allow you then to sue him for the amount.

Things like this are what an attorney/mediator looks out for. He/she get’s the card-issuers approval for change of accountability, pays the debts that can’t be securely settled and makes certain that both parties are aware of whatever concessions are made.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 13195   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8648852
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