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Itís not fair

AsUWish posted 3/9/2021 10:18 AM

I started this post in general and someone mentioned posting it here.

Here is the link to the original post:


Here is a copy of the post:

As I was driving today alone in my car I started thinking about my divorce and how I was going to have to pay the loan I took out to pay for it off before I could buy a new car-my car is beginning to have issues.

While thinking it hit me. My STBXH whoís cheated and is the cause of the D will get out of our D without any related debit where I, who was cheated on, will have debt related to the D. It seems like I got screwed in my marriage and now to get out of my marriage Iím getting screwed again!

I know Iím going to sound like a child, but It just seems so unfair!

He makes twice as much as me and soon will make 3 or 4 times as me. I am a teacher and will struggle to make ends meet financially after the D.

Everything just seems so F***ing unfair!

Why am I having to suffer so much for his A?

DevastatedDee posted 3/9/2021 12:06 PM

I completely get this. As my XWH had become a drug addict and stopped working, I charged up all my credit cards trying to just get by so by the time I figured out that I couldn't afford the house we had at the time, I was in massive debt. No one does well financially leaving a crack addict. I cashed out my 401k to pay off the credit card debt and buy a house. I wound up losing my retirement just to get out and no, it is not remotely even a little bit fair at all. It's just another aspect of the bad shit that happened to us.

BearlyBreathing posted 3/9/2021 12:07 PM

It just is unfair. 💯. I hope your lawyer is fighting for you.

Hang in thereó-youíll be free of him and his lies soon. Which is priceless.

Wiseoldfool posted 3/9/2021 12:52 PM

If youíre making an agreement, then the ďdealĒ is what you make it. Making a deal to be divorced sometimes boils down to making a deal within the likely parameters of what the judge might do if you went to that effort, expense and delay. Also, usually someone just gets sick and tired of being married and fighting with the other side, and thereís a price to be paid to be rid of the whole mess.

If youíre having the judge sort it out, you will likely get some things that feel like a win and some things that seem like a loss. Judges tend to say things like this off the bench: ďI know I got that one right ....... they were both mad.Ē

Debt division, alimony and child support are knowable with great precision. The amount of alimony, child support and debt that a divorced person will pay/receive is ďway more than I can affordĒ and ďway less than I needĒ simultaneously depending on which side of the equation you are on. Thatís the number. In every single case.

[This message edited by Wiseoldfool at 12:53 PM, March 9th (Tuesday)]

iHurtDec3 posted 3/18/2021 03:32 AM

It is unfair! no way around it! It fucking sucks! I'm sorry.

Shehawk posted 3/20/2021 20:51 PM

So very sorry you are going through infidelity. It hurts.

Just so very sorry.

leafields posted 3/21/2021 00:09 AM

There's no justice with infidelity. No, it isn't fair. Never will be.

FWIW, I make twice what XWH makes. Still isn't what I signed up for or deserved.

This weekend, he's out of town (translation is off to see a f*ckbuddy.)

[This message edited by leafields at 11:02 AM, March 21st (Sunday)]

CoderMom posted 3/31/2021 22:44 PM

Life is not fair in general. I try not to dwell on the things that are not fair in my life, because there are many, that I am reminded of daily. I try to be positive and share love and happiness where I can.

BetrayedGamer posted 4/2/2021 00:12 AM

Kind of posted about this in another thread. There's more to look at than the financials, while the situation may feel unfair...D rules don't really punish an A except maybe in custody battles?...where you come out ahead is your soul/karma. They will always have the legacy of being a cheater, maybe they'll feel guilt maybe they won't, but they're the one with the rotten soul. The emotional pain will fade, the financials will work out in the end, but most importantly you'll be the one with the clean conscience.

AsUWish posted 4/4/2021 22:01 PM

I agree life isnít fair. I will never be fair. I hate that everyone on the forum is here for the same reason.

Husband and I came to terms on division of assets for the large items. I gave and he took. He tried to force me to agree to things I didnít want but I stood my ground. Looking back he really didnít give me much back in those negotiations I was too nice.

I will ask for the moon in child custody and support though

Notagain1 posted 4/5/2021 18:25 PM

I am right there with you!!!! it is bullshit!!!

Bigger posted 4/8/2021 10:01 AM

Husband and I came to terms on division of assets for the large items. I gave and he took. He tried to force me to agree to things I didnít want but I stood my ground.

Ding! Ding! Ding!
Warning bells!

Are you two negotiating divorce over the kitchen table or do you have any legal representation?
All debt Ė including any you might have taken for a vehicle Ė is joint debt. So are the vehicles so the bottom line might be that you end up with the debt plus the vehicle. But itís not a given. You can refuse the vehicle and it be sold to create assets for the marriage estate to be divided.
That 3500 charge on the credit-card he uses to buy porn?
Have you LEGALLY made sure heís accountable for his cards? Itís not enough that you two decide he pays that card. Itís not even enough that a judge signs off on a divorce settlement outlining he pays the card. If he doesnít pay the card-issuer probably/likely has a legal right to go after you. All the divorce settlement does is allow you then to sue him for the amount.
Things like this are what an attorney/mediator looks out for. He/she getís the card-issuers approval for change of accountability, pays the debts that canít be securely settled and makes certain that both parties are aware of whatever concessions are made.

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