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I am a terrible wife and my AP is crazy

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5

Underserving posted 3/8/2021 12:13 PM

Listen, you fucked up royally. I mean really bad. I would even go as far to say, more so than your average cheater. However, you arenít the first wife to fuck another man in your marital bed. You arenít the first wife to fuck your husbandís boss. People do really messed up shit all the time. You canít go back and undo any of those things. You canít minimize how awful they were. But you can start TODAY working on becoming a better and healthier person.

It was a good first step coming here. Donít let the raw and painful truths scare you away. Youíve done more than enough escaping from your problems. Itís time to face them head on. Iím sure itís not fun hearing from betrayed spouses on your first post. Itís ok if youíd rather only hear from other waywards for a while. But come back. Despite what my own husband has put me through, I can still feel compassion for people dead set on destroying their lives. I understand there must be a lot of brokenness inside of them to behave in such self-destructing ways. I also feel very deeply for your BH, and hope you will be able to do the right things by him. You will need help to do that. Get some counseling and keep posting.

siracha posted 3/8/2021 12:13 PM

Sweetie . Alot of people giving you a hard time are probably massively fucked up too . We all have damage and we all damage others a little . I know i certainly dont get the ďgood partnerĒ award just because i was once cheated upon .

Steps for today
1. Please get a therapist right now
2. Please know that you can live without anyones love and you have to be strong enough to see that your real obligation in life is to be mentally healthy for your son .
3. Get a lawyer to send el creepo a letter asking him to cease and desist
4. Make a plan to Eat well exercise sleep well

Steps for soon
1. Tell your husband everything and dont try to manipulate him in anyway
2 if he is gone you have to be brave for your son , lean on friends and family
3. If he stays you had better promise yourself your son and your spouse to work daily on your demons

Steps for later
1. Ask yourself honestly - should you even be in a marriage? Or do you need to take a few years off to grow up and become a better person .

Good luck

hikingout posted 3/8/2021 12:18 PM

I know some of what you are getting is difficult to read. I have been where you are, I arrived at this site almost 4 years ago and at first I let these things chase me off.

However, I soon learned taking these thoughts from strangers allowed me to fully own things and was 100 percent helpful in being able to understand my blindspots and what my husband needed.

I confessed on my own after going to IC for a short period of time. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I did not expect the level of damage. I did not expect the response. I did not understand that this was a trauma I inflicted.

Anyway, I just wanted to chime in and encourage you to understand while some things are hard to hear and made me feel worse it was definitely to my ultimate good in the end.

DictumVeritas posted 3/8/2021 12:44 PM

No Stop Sign:

Since much harsher posts have already been made, I am going to put back my original post:

OP, you didn't make a mistake, you made choice after choice after choice after choice x 100,000 to plunge dagger after dagger after dagger into your husbands back. A loving husband who's sin is that he loved someone capable of this level of betrayal.

Betrayal of the most egregious kind with his work superior. Not only did you end his family, but his career.

You had sex in your marital bed and did things to further degrade your husband, willingly with a man who holds your husband in contempt.

OP, I am a grown man and I have tears in my eyes thinking of the pain your husband is going to go through. I would not disrespect an actual stinking piece of detritus on a pavement like you disrespected your husband.

As painful as it will be for him, he needs to know the full untarnished truth with every stinking detail highlighted. He needs to know the full extent of this betrayal. He needs to know what kind of woman he lays his head down next to.

Gather whatever decency you have and at least give him the gift of truth.

Wiseoldfool posted 3/8/2021 12:52 PM

You need more help that this crowd sourced font of wisdom could offer you in a decade. Go to therapy. Start telling the truth to real people in person. Accept the consequences of what you have done.

HologramHusband posted 3/8/2021 12:59 PM

WS here. You've already been given a lot of great advice. I just wanted to emphasize a couple of things that are vital to your recovery. Please know that I'm not sitting on my high horse looking down on you. I was outed by my EAP who wrote an anonymous letter to my W because I was a coward and didn't self-disclose (as my therapist advised) right away.

1) Do not "trickle-truth" your H when you disclose. The continued lying and withholding will be more devastating, even if you think you're "protecting" him somehow. Get that idea right out of your head. Don't do what I did and let your AP do the telling for you.

he's so tall and handsome, extremely confident and charismatic, he's the type of guy that takes what he want

2) Stop this. Holding on to those kinds of thoughts are the same as continuing the A. It also comes off as another excuse.

Please keep posting. There's so much wisdom and truth in this place that all of us WS's need to hear and continue to hear.

[This message edited by HologramHusband at 1:05 PM, March 8th (Monday)]

SI Staff posted 3/8/2021 13:06 PM

Please note, the Stop Sign has been added to this thread. Betrayed Spouses are no longer allowed to respond.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:06 PM, March 8th (Monday)]

GiggleLoopMayor posted 3/8/2021 13:18 PM

WS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:20 PM, March 8th (Monday)]

ff4152 posted 3/8/2021 14:21 PM


I hope the roar of the crowd hasnít frightened you off. I applaud you for being brave enough to post your story. Despite what youíve seen thus far, this can be a place of healing. While it can be very brutal at times, try and reflect upon the more helpful pots. Make no mistake, if you are truly committed to this path, it will be one of the hardest things youíve ever gone through. Provided you stick with it, you can get to the other side.

I truly hope you stay and continue to post.

madeamistake posted 3/8/2021 16:50 PM

Hello everybody,
I wasn't expecting so many answers. I thank everyone who took their time to answer me. I apologize if I have not respected some rules of the site but I have yet to understand how it all works.

I will try to answer in order
You are absolutely right when you say that my lover has enormous power in his hand in case he should tell my husband everything. I honestly don't know if he will really follow up on his threats or if he said that because he was angry that I left him.

If he does, I'm sure he wouldn't have mercy on my husband given his behavior. Just thinking about this makes me feel terrible. As terrible as it is I think it is better for my husband to hear the confession from me and not from his boss.

I understand what you are saying and I agree. What I did was a betrayal of my son as well. This is one of the hardest things to accept, how can a mother behave like this? I tried not to make my son miss anything emotionally, not to take my time away from him and in my mind during the betrayal I felt justified by the fact that I continued to take care of him as best I could. How stupid.

I confess it happened. He made sure that my husband had to work away from our city so that we could meet freely. At that time, I justified it by telling myself that he was taking the necessary precautions not to let us get caught. My thinking was completely compromised and wrong during the affair. Writing this, I realize how unclear I was towards what was going on around me.

We exchanged numbers because we share a common hobby. I do not deny that the night I met him I was very attracted to him and that this had an influence.

I never consciously thought about sleeping with him the moment I gave him my number. Not even when he started flirting with her attentions and compliments. At that moment I thought it was an harmless fun game.

I disagree that my husband is plan b and my lover broke up with me. Actually it was I who left him recently (for a couple of months I have tried to meet him as little as possible but he continued to chase me at all costs) and that is why my lover took it so badly.

Initially it all happened in a hurry and I foolishly wanted to please my lover for all his attention and how he made me feel special. All of this was like a drug to me and I was willing to indulge his darkest fantasies in order to continue receiving them. I knew full well that what I was doing was wrong and I didn't like it, but I did it anyway (I'm just ashamed to write it down)

I agree that I have to confess everything to my husband and that the choice of whether or not to continue with this marriage is entirely up to him.

I will start IC as soon as possible. I have to understand and realize what prompted me to do what I did. I had no resentments about my marriage. The only aspect was a bit of boredom lately. However even the worst husband on the face of the earth (which of course my husband is not) would not justify what I did even remotely.

Sure the sex part and all the various horrible details will be the hardest thing for my husband to digest. I'm sorry but telling HR what happened would be completely pointless. My lover is an entrepreneur and owns the company.

Thanks for your insight. Even if you have been hard what you wrote helps me.
You're probably right and there's something fundamentally wrong with me. I hope that thanks to the help of the IC to become a safe partner if my husband decides to accept me in his life.

You are right. I have allowed this to happen and I have not stopped my lover. I take full responsibility for this and there is no other person to blame but myself.
I must say, however, that his response after I asked him to leave my family alone and think about my son made me realize that he is a terrible person and probably psychopathic.
How can he not have mercy on an innocent 3-year-old child?

His ideas? The first is that he wanted me to phone my husband while we were together.

The second: we had sex in various rooms in our house. Of course except for one room where it was absolutely clear that nothing would ever happen. He started saying he "wanted to have sex in every room of the house. Every room". At that point I insulted him and said I would never want to see him again. He's a psychopath.

hikingout posted 3/9/2021 08:22 AM

I would stop calling him your lover, here and mentally. Someone who is our lover takes care of us, loves us, respects us. This man is none of these things.

I say this because you keep propping him up with words he does not deserve. This is part of your mental confusion.

You must go full No Contact with him - and you must start seeing him for what he is. For me, I didn't want to let go of that picture because what I learned is that I only really cared how he made me feel. I kept him propped up because I had my self esteem wrapped around him and if he was a POS then it meant I wasn't special.

I found that I played a role for him, just like I had played a role in my marriage. Becoming ourselves means not needing that outside reassurance and feeling peace with who we are. That's a long road for a WS, because whatever was missing in us before the affair becomes a gigantic void after. We tend to sit with our feelings of shame and guilt and feel much worse. Healing is about finding your path out of that to becoming whole on your own.

The only thing that you can control in this situation is yourself, and how you conduct yourself moving forward. The more right you can do and the more work you do on yourself, the more you will crawl out of this hole you have yourself in.

You will not have any control over anything else, it's best to recognize that as soon as you can and deal with all of this in the humility it deserves.

But, start with using better language for the picture you paint yourself. This man is not your lover.

MrCleanSlate posted 3/9/2021 08:56 AM


When those rose coloured glasses come off we sure do start to regret what we've done.

I broke it off with my AP (yes she was going all weird on me too). I was trying to build up the nerve to tell my BW when the AP went full on nuclear on my BW. What a shit show that turned into. Of course the AP was spinning a fantastical tale at first and then later the stalking started, etc. Take control of this narrative now before the same happens to you.

Best bits of advice for right now:

1- DO NOT wait on telling your BS. Do it before the AP goes nasty on you and your BS.

2- Tell the whole truth when you do tell your BS. Holding back stuff will only bite you in the ass later. In your case holding back that you had sex on the kitchen table will kill your BS later on. (And I also suspect you will end up doing a lot of furniture shopping).

3- No contact. This means no contact at all. If you get a message from your AP share it with your BS and then block or delete together. In my case the first time I did this I was shaking, but my BW was a rock and years later she told me one reason she decided to stay to try to work on things was that first moment she saw me being open and sharing.

4 - Don't delete anything until you can offer to share it with your BS.

5 - And be prepared to throw out everything you wore during the fuck sessions with AP.

Lostallalone posted 3/9/2021 09:44 AM

You need to start planning for Dday. This means Discovery day. I feel the AP (not lover) will absolutely tell your husband. He will get his last kicks out of it. And you are allowing your husband to stay at a job where he is blind and someone in the darkness is making him jump threw hoops in his darkness. If you don't tell your husband now it will only get worse. You need to call him asap and tell him he needs to quit and come home. Sit him down and tell him why. It's just cruel to allow him to go to work every day. Have a bag packed for this day and A plan on where to go. He most likely will ask you to leave. But start loving your husband by protecting him from this psychopath. Expect AP to send your husband all photos and videos he has of your sex acts. Sorry to say this is unavoidable. Plz act quickly.

madeamistake posted 3/9/2021 15:57 PM


I share your opinion on my wrong choice of words.
I used the word lover incorrectly. English is not my first lenguage so that does not help.

Definitely i will go no contact with him. For a week (since I left him) he has not contacted me again. I hope I won't hear from him for the rest of my life after his veiled threats.
Honestly I'm afraid that he will come back contacting me considering the type. i am thinking of seeing a lawyer to ask my AP to go no contact officially. But I'm afraid this will make things worse.

I know the only person I can count on right now is myself. Let's say that I am still dazed at the moment but I am taking the first steps to take to try to get out of this situation that I have created

All this terrifies me but I can't keep burying my head in the sand.

Youíre right when you say when those rose colored glasses come off you see the reality as it is. I can't believe that I have allowed this to happen and that I have not seen or minimized the numerous APís red flag.

I agree with the 5 points you described in your message as necessary things to do. It's a good start.

I'm planning the d day. I'm trying to write a timeline of my betrayal. Honestly reliving certain aspects destroys me, today I called a day off from work because I felt sick in my stomach. Thinking about my husband's pain when he will find out makes me want to end my life.
I honestly don't know if writing all the details is a good idea because I'm sure my husband would never recover even if we got a divorce.

Another result of my betrayal will be for my husband to leave his job. Today I thought about my husband at work working for my ap and it's horrible that I put him in this situation. Fortunately, my husband will have no problem finding another job.

I have already thought about the logistics of the d day. I will definitely leave the house to give my husband a few days to clear his mind before speaking to him. Although I'm sure my husband won't want to stay in that house once he knows the details.
Fortunately my AP wasn't into photographing or recording our sex sessions. I also forbade him to take any pictures and he was ok.
He only has a few photos in non-sexual situations like of hugs or cuddles
Only positive note of my story.

ShortWorld1 posted 3/10/2021 10:08 AM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:25 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

stonecoldtruth posted 3/10/2021 13:50 PM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:34 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

hikingout posted 3/10/2021 14:26 PM

They removed the posts that I was responding to. I just would like to encourage imadeamistake to keep posting. I think we can help you.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:58 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

darkwof posted 3/10/2021 17:16 PM

This is a bad situation. Take the advice of a former monster almost as bad as your AP. He does not care even a little for you or your son. You better hurry because he may embellish things to your husband. I was once like him but not as bad I would never think of doing what he wanted in a child's room. Be prepared for the worst. Your husband may be destroyed by this. Be there for him, even if you have to suffer in silence. Start by becoming his friend. Your actions will prove more than words. You may loose him as a husband but do all you can to be there for your son and him. He will need help. don't be his rock, become his mountain even if divorce happens. If divorce is where it goes make it as easy as you can for him.

madeamistake posted 3/10/2021 17:44 PM

hi hikingout, thank you for your interest.

There aren't many updates.
Let's say I want to confess everything to my husband by the end of this week. I am working on my timeline, I have written various things about how it started, the messages, the first date and some things about our meetings. I have left out the worst at the moment. If my husband wants to know more, I am available to tell him more. I hope not because these details would not change the situation and could only hurt him irreparably.

Let's say I'm realizing I killed my marriage. There is no way my husband can forgive what I have done. If roles were reversed, I wouldn't forgive even a third of the things I've done.
While this may sadden me, especially with regard to what it may mean for my son, this is not my priority at the moment.
Now I would just like to make the whole process as less painful as possible and try to protect him from my AP.

Fortunately my AP did nothing this week and respected the no contact.
Knowing that this crazy man holds an enormous power in his hands and that he could use it at his will at any moment is frightening.
I was wondering if there is any legal way to prevent my husband from being harassed by my AP. I've already tried begging for mercy for my son and family but it didn't work.

Moments ago i looked at my son sleep soundly in his bed and I felt like I was dying inside. The awareness that I, the person who should have protected him at all costs, was the architect of the destruction of his family and safety is terrible. I am an horrible person, I hope I can continue to be a mother to him.

HologramHusband posted 3/10/2021 17:44 PM

Yes, MaM. Please keep posting here.

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