IWMWB posted 3/6/2021 13:18 PM

Previous thread: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=647550&AP=41&HL=

So wow coming up a year to when all this shit started and guess what not much has changed. I have done one hell of a pick me dance for a year now and yep you guessed it all I have gotten out of it is more hurt and loss.

We’ve had at least three false R last time she came back she was adamant to go back to work with him and that of course wasn’t going to work.

So since then she had moved in with him and after a couple of months started texting me she was so sorry she made a mistake and wants to come home and I tell her ok come home, she says she can’t right now because she’s in a lease and can’t just leave him in the lurch and she hopes I will wait for her (I know right!) then I get a panicked call one day to telling me she wants to come home now so I collect her from their flat (found out later they had argued that day) he goes off the deep end and police are involved etc.

We decided we will try again she quits job after some debate, and I think just because she can’t face him and it’s all good there is I love you’s and she is initiating affection and reassurance and intimacy, then it stops she turns colder again and my gut is screaming they are in contact but I ignore because I want to trust. Things deteriorate until she is pushing me to a point we argue and she uses that as an excuse to end it and she runs back to him (although staying at home!). I ask her where you in contact and she said no and she is really angry I asked her that.

I sit and watch as she goes out at the weekends and then at Christmas and New Year so for months knowing she is with him and I can’t take it any more so I decide I need to get myself out of this and so I move out into a rented house. I kit it all out with my stuff (beds, tv, furniture etc etc) and a few weeks go by and she starts texting about how sorry she was she can’t believe how bad a person she is. Tells me she was texting him and sleeping with him (my gut was right) says she doesn’t want him to move into our house (which btw I had walked away from). So we chat and we decide to give it another go (AGAIN) and so things go okay for a month or so she stays with me at the rental and we decide that will move back home and so I give up the rental and sell my stuff and the she drops the bombshell that she doesn’t want to continue and will move out and get her own flat.

So here I am back at home again while she is dating OM and is now out there looking for a new place to live like this situation is fucking normal! It’s put me back at square one and I am emotionally shattered not that she cares. Despite all this crap I still am in love so first things first what the hell is wrong with me?! I actually started to believe that I deserved all this shit because she has played such a good blame game.

This is WHY anyone reading this that’s early on in this process should listen to these guys on SI and don’t pick me dance, take me as your example of how the game is rigged and you will NOT win.

Stevesn posted 3/6/2021 13:35 PM

Unfortunately it’s simple but true, just because you love someone or even are in love with someone, doesn’t mean you should ever be together.

Find a new path to happiness. File for D. The IwMWB who is happy and free from her toxicity 2 years from now will thank you for having the courage to do that.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:46 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]

Wanttobebetter posted 3/6/2021 14:30 PM

OP, it is still not too late to do the right thing and save yourself more hurt.

Best of luck.

Buster123 posted 3/6/2021 14:58 PM

And if you don't seek help from IC you're likely to take her back yet again and the vicious circle will continue, contact an attorney immediately, do NOT leave your house, let her leave and file for D, hopefully you will come back with better news next time.

HardKnocks posted 3/6/2021 15:09 PM

Sorry you're hurting.

Please listen to Buster. Save yourself.

DictumVeritas posted 3/6/2021 15:16 PM

How many times have you taken her back?

This is concerning behavior on your part OP. Please seek help, no man can possibly live unscarred after so many betrayals.

Explore in IC what lead you to make the decisions you did. You need to stop this self-destructive pattern now before the damage you are doing to yourself can not be reversed.

Take care of yourself.

The1stWife posted 3/6/2021 15:19 PM

When YOU change and stop allowing this to continue, you will start to see the manipulative behavior she has let you endure. You think she loves you — sad to say she’s using you.

Learn the word no.

And then use it. And mean it.

IWMWB posted 3/6/2021 16:08 PM

Thanks for the responses so far. I honestly have been thinking about why I would continually allow this. In all she has bounced back 3 times all together.

At this point I am counting down the days until she moves out because I just want peace right now..

I have arranged some IC via phone and that starts next week.

What I’ve been thinking about it right from the very beginning she never could accept she has done something wrong and she put all the blame on me, I ran with that and I felt so guilty that I had got my marriage in this state and I think that’s what has driven me so long.

Now I am thinking WTF anything I have done doesn’t come anywhere near justifying the decisions she made and continues to make. I see this said all the time its like I don’t even know this person shr is a complete stranger. Our adult daughter isn’t speaking to her and our adult son and her barley speak now and yet she goes on about this is normal and we should all get over it because she’s going to be happy now WTF.

src9043 posted 3/6/2021 16:26 PM

File for Divorce tomorrow. Go NC after she moves out. There is nothing else to say. Definitely get into IC. Start healing.

Marz posted 3/6/2021 16:38 PM

You were never in R.

Time/life is something you never get back.

Your biggest problem is yourself.

Only you can keep yourself in this.

Marz posted 3/6/2021 16:42 PM

What I’ve been thinking about it right from the very beginning she never could accept she has done something wrong and she put all the blame on me, I ran with that and I felt so guilty that I had got my marriage in this state and I think that’s what has driven me so long.

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

grubs posted 3/6/2021 19:01 PM

I think the one thing I did right was to tell WW that if she walks out the door, there's no coming back. My wording was something along the lines you're either here trying or not. That was pre dday after she gave me the ilybnilwy line via IM @work, on my birthday no less, and pitched a trial separation. Dday was 9 months later. Wish I had found this site back then. Really would have saved months off.

The1stWife posted 3/7/2021 02:18 AM

Glad to see you shift your focus and realize it was never YOU it the cheater. The choice was made to cheat snd all the crap you heard was the excuses the cheater uses to justify the affair. And justifications are ways to deflect the blame as well.

As in “you did XYZ so therefore I had to cheat”. Completely irrational thinking on the part of the cheater but this is their mindset.

Nothing you did or did not do had anything to do with the affair. Please know that.

SlapNutsABingo posted 3/7/2021 03:06 AM

You are in this situation because you choose to be, you have the strength to leave it.

Unhinged posted 3/7/2021 09:04 AM

Despite all this crap I still am in love so first things first what the hell is wrong with me?!

It's heart-break, brother. It's not wanting to let go of the image we create in our own minds (and hearts) of the one we chose as a life-partner. It's not wanting to let go of those feelings that once enthralled the spirit.

Acceptance is fucking hard, but you'll get there. Keep battling on, IWMWB.

tushnurse posted 3/7/2021 11:14 AM

Donyourself q big favor and stick around this time. Even when you don't like members responses. You are stuck because you are being emotionally abused.

So here's a to do list.
1. Get an attorney file for D. Do not discuss this with her just freaking do it.

2. Block her in all methods she wants to tell you something have her contact your attorney.

3. Give her a firm deadline to be out. Do not waiver on it no matter her excuse.

This woman is an emotional cancer and until you fully remove it from your life she is going to keep you weak and sick.

4. Tell everyone who she is and what she has done, not to be vengeful but to get some freaking support.

5. Get into therapy with someone that specializes in emotional trauma. Not infidelity. Thats her problem not yours.

6. Get STD tested. Its an unfortunate thing but it will help you take back some control in your life. it will also give you a chance to have a full physical if you haven't had one. A year of this bullshit can really take a toll on your health.

7. Make yourself your top priority. Make sure you are doing something for yourself every single day.

You are at zero as far as healing goes be kind and patient with yourself.

Butforthegrace posted 3/7/2021 12:00 PM

Despite all this crap I still am in love so first things first what the hell is wrong with me?!

One of the elements of healing is realizing that the person you believe yourself to be in love with doesn't exist. She's the imaginary wife you thought you were married to when you didn't know the truth about her. Part of you clings to that fantasy because it was a warm, safe, comfortable place.

It helps to keep in mind the "Catfish" nature of infidelity. The wife you thought you had was a facade that disguised the real wife you actually had.

Anna123 posted 3/7/2021 19:20 PM

One of the pieces of advise that took awhile to sink in but in the end was one of the main ideas I had to keep in my head to finally file for divorce was the idea that you can love someone with all of your heart, and still divorce them. Love is just a tiny piece of the puzzle. The other pieces are respect, honesty, loyalty, empathy, trust, emotional intelligence, emotional stability over-all, dedication---- You get the picture. Oh yeah, attraction more often than not.

It's okay to love her still and also see her for what she truly is. You need to add some anger to the mix. Anger at what she is taking from you. It's time to rip off the bandaid and take the steps to move forward, one step at a time, knowing she will continue to play you. But this time you will have this post to review if you ever consider allowing her back into your life.

Take care.

SpaceGhost0007 posted 3/7/2021 21:05 PM

Sorry you are suffering at your own hand. You need to stop blaming her for everything and see your own value. You need some serious counseling to find out why you don’t love yourself.

There are women who love guy’s who hit them in the face and beat them. You are like them except you seem to enjoy her sleeping with other dudes and coming back to you. You would rather have her abuse then to live without her.

Until you start caring about yourself and do something about it nobody can help you. Why would you want another guy to sleep with her and just take her back? Some people enjoy chaos in their lives and feel better with that than experiencing neglect or loneliness.

When you have had enough you can get out of this. But you have to want to help yourself.

[This message edited by SpaceGhost0007 at 9:07 PM, March 7th (Sunday)]

BigBlueEyes posted 3/8/2021 02:50 AM

I didn’t see my relationship through the same eyes as SI members when I was going through my abuse. My ex wasn’t backwards & forwards with an AP/women, (it was different circumstances for me)
My EX was nice 1 minute, nasty & manipulative the next, promising the world, delivered absolutely nothing, the noose gave a little to then be yanked from under me again and again. His control of me & our marriage was truly terrifying.
It took me many months to finally see what others could see.

You know 1 thing I learned through all of my experience,
I CANT CHANGE THE PAST, I can’t rewrite my history, I can’t pretend I was brave till I actually WAS brave. maybe I could of avoided many heartbreaking moments, I probably could have avoided a whole hell of a lot of pain. However I didn’t, I was ready to do it when I did. To me That’s all that matters.
Nothing changed till I changed it.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, Sometimes we just don’t want to see our own reality, sometimes we can’t see what’s really going on in front of us, & honestly after being manipulated & gaslit so damn much...I get it!! I GET it.

You know what the most important thing is now...get strong, start taking care & control of you & your actions.

Don’t dwell on what was or has been, make a plan, make a list of things you know you can & will do then build from that,
From this day forward let it be your new beginning, you need it, you deserve it, KEEP telling yourself as many times as you need, YOU DESERVE IT.
Forget about what has been & build a stronger future for yourself.

Sometimes it’s not easy but from the bottom of my heart I can honestly say it’s the best feeling in the world knowing ‘YOU DONE’ this.