SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DD was last August. WW has yet to face consequences, as I've done everything wrong.

I'm finally seeing the big picture, and D will represent a major shift.

On one hand, WW doesn't know the full extent of evidence in my possession - which might not make a major difference in D proceedings, but could play a role in negotiation if she wishes to save face (and as a highly disordered covert narc, she will almost certainly prioritize all the wrong things, so this could be an advantage to me).

On the other hand, contacting the OBS as part of serving D to WW - in parallel with comms to friends and family - might help frame the narrative before a smear campaign can take hold.

I have every reason to believe that WW will paint me black, as they say.

Many here said to notify the OBS from the start, and in retrospect that might have saved time and played a productive role in some ways.

Interested to hear how notifying the OBS played out for those who have D'd or are presently pursuing D.

Did it make a difference?

What would you do differently?

I'm mindful that I need to parent with this person for the rest of my life, so trying to strike a balance between managing D, vs. playing the long game.

FWIW, my atty is not in favor of notifying the OBS and sees potential leverage of the facts.

TIA.

Typically notifying the OBS is to done to help stop the A and break the WS out of the fog. Since you have decided on D, that is no longer a priority. I'd recommend following your attorney's advice up until the divorce is final. After that, I would definitely let the OBS know. It is the right thing to do.

Waywards in the fog tend to not think things through clearly. You are going to D your WW, so that's to your benefit. The wayward side really likes to avoid disposing of the AP. One of the reasons is to avoid the OBS finding out. The other is it puts the details of the affair in the legal record. Your attorney will use that as leverage to receive more favorable terms.

My xWW is also a covert narcissist. I also did virtually everything wrong.

Letting the OBS know the truth had little effect on xWW, mostly because she doesn't know OBS and OBS lives 1000+ miles away. Meaning, xWW didn't care whether she destroyed one family or two families as long as she got laid.

However, I did let many of xWW's friends know that she had an affair and that triggered her attempt to ruin my life to the best of her ability. I did this before the divorce proceeding began and my "outing her" likely is what triggered her to want a divorce in the first place.

I have every reason to believe that WW will paint me black, as they say.

If yours is like mine... then you need to tread very very carefully.

My advice to you is as follows: listen to your attorney and follow directions carefully.

Also, and this is perhaps the most important thing that I am going to say...

If you TRULY want to ANTAGONIZE your WW... then you just need to go grey rock.

Yes, my xWW was mad when I announced to the world that she had had an affair. But, she was obsessed and crazy when I went grey rock and I moved on from her.

You hear the advice that the best revenge is to live well. That's seems like a platitude for a lot of people, especially when their wayward spouse shacks up and marries their affair partner. However, it seriously destroys the psyche of a covert narcissist. I mean, what's wrong with you that you don't worship the ground that she walks on?

Notifying the OBS is the right thing to do -- at the right time. Given what you have told us about your WW, doing this will almost certainly ratchet up the drama factor to a million. Therefore, I'd suggest you hold this trump card up your sleeve until the D is inked and final, then notify.

I didn't notify the OBS in my situation. I knew that they were fighting the same as my exwh and I were so I didn't interfere. At that time, I had no hard proof.

Fast forward some months later. I had what evidence I had collected. It took some work but I had the mailing address. I didn't send it as my exwh and the OBS were military and he was deployed overseas. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

In the end the AP had to tell him she was pregnant. And there was no way it was his so it worked out on that end.

Those of us with some time from our d-day to the present realize there is no payback or revenge to infidelity. None that we can apply anyways.

The only payback you can get is that maybe 2-3 years down the road your WW looks at you and regrets her decision, and that at that time you will feel pity – but no interest in reestablishing a romantic relationship. That you will have moved on and are in a place where you beam happiness and content.

About letting the OMW know – I don’t have anything against it unless it negatively impacts your divorce.

Could it cost your WW her job (and thereby maybe cost you spousal support)?

Could it be seen as immature and spiteful (and thereby portraying you as a less capable parent)?

Could you use the threat of exposure to get a better deal? Like would there be a reason to subpoena the OM?

You already posted about a high-conflict WW – would exposing make the D process even more contested?

Just think it through. I have a feeling the bottom line will be to tell OMW once the ink is drying on the divorce.

You're thinking way too much about this.

Bottom line - you telling the OBS isn't really going to impact anything.

The "the OBS is psycho and will kill everyone" is a trope. It (just about) never happens. If she's a normal human (and without a history of violence) then it won't happen.

Want to "save face?" From whom? You're getting divorced. Unless you take out a front page ad in the paper that she was cheating, very few people will know. But, yeah...people talk...with or without you telling the OBS (have you told any of your friends? Guess what? In the next year, I guarantee you will). I've got $20 that says people already know what is going on.

The WW might get fired (because it's a workplace affair). Still doesn't matter. Sure her income at that moment will be $0, but judges will look at them and say they are capable of getting a job at their prior income. I seriously doubt any judge will say the income for alimony/child support will be $0; they'll impute their prior income. And, if your attorney is doing his job, he'll make sure that happens.

The idea that it will help in a settlement? Nope. Most states give a 50/50 split and use formulas to determine alimony/child support. Maybe if you can get her to a snap agreement - right now - maybe there's value. But 6 months down the road when your attorneys are negotiating? Nope. Ain't gonna matter one iota. The attorneys won't care.

Notifying the OBS didn't affect anything in my divorce (and I would wager nearly everyone else's).

Tell the OBS. Would you really want to find out a year (plus) from now that your spouse was cheating? That's just cruel.

At the end of the day, infidelity rarely makes any impact in a divorce settlement (a few states still award zero alimony if you can prove adultery, but they are the exception - and you'll want to have the OBS on your witness list if needed anyway).

IMO notifying the OBS should be done ASAP.

I understand the arguments people have for possible leverage, or even just a general reluctance as jade angel shared.

But this delay comes with a great risk....FOR OBS.

By not informing them of the betrayal, you leave them open to STDs or (like OBS in jade angel’s situation) having to scramble very quickly on the legal front to avoid being tagged with child support payments for a child that isn’t theirs (though this would only apply if the OBS is a male).

As I see it, delay may be a personal advantage for me (speaking rhetorically), but if that advantage come at the potential expense of the clueless OBS, then it is wrong for me to pursue it.

The OBS is an innocent victim who deserves just as much of an opportunity as you do to protect themselves.

Let OBS know ASAP.

Thanks, all.

At this point, it has become an emotional / ego-driven issue for me.

I have to see the AP at pickup at my kid's school, and he is strangely chipper - shouting "have a good one!" across the parking lot as our kids wave goodbye.

I'm generally not focused on him, but in these moments it does take some self control not to engage.

In addition to ongoing exposure with our kids, his wife, the OBS, is still under the impression that my WW is her friend. The ethical aspect of notifying her is an issue for me, however it's not about STDs (we were able to rule that out earlier, thankfully, although who knows what her WH is up to at this point), it's about knowing that this poor woman's marriage is not a marriage, and while I know that my WW will see consequences soon enough, I don't see why her AP should get off the hook.

I have been playing the long game from the beginning, so not inclined to give away potential leverage at this moment. Mainly trying to think through the role that exposure can play at this juncture.

Your comments and insights are appreciated, as always.

Explain to your attorney your ethical dilemma here, that the OBS is unaware and being taken advantage of by your WW and AP. Ask the attorney to explain the potential ramifications in the context of your divorce of telling the OBS. Listen to the attorney's counsel and then make your choice. If doing the "right thing" ethically does not come at too high a price in your own divorce, do it. You get to decide what is too high a price.

If your ethics don't match your attorney's advice to keep things quiet, can you ask the attorney how much longer that leverage would have an effect? Maybe the attorney thinks you need to keep everything under wraps till the D is final. Maybe it is just until negotiations start. Maybe it is necessary until a sworn deposition, or serving the AP with subpoena for deposition. Once you play a "card", then can it safely be shared with OBS?

Does your attorney say that there is already enough legal evidence to use? If your attorney knows this presents an ethical dilemma for you perhaps a time line can be developed that bridges your needs with what is best for you legal proceedings?

I live in a no-fault state. Aspects of my WW's behavior may influence custody, but it depends on the judge - if we get that far.

The leverage factor may apply to how my WW wants to maintain her own image in the community... once she's been exposed, she's likely to rage - and leverage is lost.

However there may be other levels of exposure worth exploring, e.g., notifying school guidance counselors re: what's happening at home as a proactive measure to support our kids - as a low end tactic.

AboveAverage-

I live in a no-fault state. Aspects of my WW's behavior may influence custody, but it depends on the judge - if we get that far.

If her behavior might influence custody does your attorney have any advice for you regarding revealing the information? Could a judge find your behavior in revealing objectionable?

Not that you would rent a billboard but that kind of behavior might be frowned upon. Can't see how privately informing the OBS would be an issue but see what your attorney says.

Aspects of my WW's behavior may influence custody, but it depends on the judge - if we get that far.

How exactly? Is she a threat to the kids safety and well-being?

If it's just "she's immoral - look she had an affair" that's not going to mean anything to a judge with respect to custody (or child support or dividing assets).

Sorry, everyone wants to believe that the "good" spouse gets rewarded and the "bad" spouse gets punished, but it doesn't work that way.