Belle25 posted 2/23/2021 08:32 AM

Wait, he did an internet search and found something for you to buy yourself? With your money? That he will also enjoy?

The gps "fucked with his head" so he had to go seek out other women?

Friend. Please have higher standards for yourself. I don't know why you think this is being treated well. You are worth more than your checking account.

HellFire posted 2/23/2021 10:42 AM

I currently drive a brand new BMW M4 that is 444 hp of awesomeness but the dream is to drive without doors. Well the man had been (unbeknownst to me) searching the internet for one and found it...it’s literally perfect. Four speed, mint condition, lifted with sick ass wheels. He was the middleman with the seller and I ended up buying it.

What happened to the BMW?

FannyandCat posted 2/23/2021 11:47 AM

I still have the BMW...the jeep will be the perfect summer car. No top, no doors just sunshine. :) Having fun thinking of cool personalized license plates.

I don't know - I thought it was sweet that he took the time to scour the internet to find my dream car. And even sweeter that he contacted the seller and did all the back and forth for me. Not to mention buying me accessories for it. He didn't have to do anything - didn't have to spend one second of his life looking for my dream car - but he did. Doesn't matter that he didn't buy it - the money part isn't important. The time and attention is worth way more than the cost of the jeep.

He told me last night that he renewed the lease on his house. Not really for him but more for his aunt, uncle and cousins. Since the aunt isn't working and the uncle doesn't make enough to qualify for a house in this area they don't really have a lot of options. We talked about how living here would be a better situation for him - more space, his own man cave (lol), his daughter having her own bedroom (she's currently sharing a very small room with the two cousins) and bathroom not to mention cheaper. My mortgage is cheaper than his rent so even if we split everything 50/50 he still saves about 4-500 bucks a month.

If his aunt, uncle and cousins stay in his tiny house (it's SO small and with six people living there it might as well be a sardine can) his daughter can stay in the same school district. It's really a win-win situation.

So he doesn't show up with candy and roses. So what that he doesn't jump up and down on a couch a la Tom Cruise declaring his undying love for me. I told him last night..."we're in love - lets be in love".

HellFire posted 2/23/2021 11:53 AM

I really hope we are all wrong. I do.

It's telling that you take the smallest gesture, and turn it into a big deal.

He didn't have to scour the internet. This didn't take any time at all. All he had to do was go to Google, and type in what he was looking for,including the area you all live in..and *poof*..there it was. It probably took less than 5 minutes.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:53 AM, February 23rd (Tuesday)]

Charity411 posted 2/23/2021 12:34 PM

No one here has said you should get candy and roses every day. But you shouldn't have to do this either, with regard to dating sites.

He hasn't been on them since...I know because I have people checking for me.

Those are your words. Is that what you want your life to be? Is that what you want to settle for?

BluerThanBlue posted 2/23/2021 13:14 PM

Please go back and re-read your old thread. The relationship that you describe is one of extreme emotional highs and lows and a lot of emotional and financial heavy lifting on your part. That clearly hasn’t changed; you’re just currently on an upswing.

You didn’t come on this site because of a trivial and now hilarious misunderstanding. You and those close to you didn’t trust him and it turned out that you and they were right not to trust him. Nothing that he has done then or since has been aimed at rebuilding your trust... all he’s doing is love-bombing you and feeding your ego. And sadly, he doesn’t even have to work very hard at that, since you’ll gobble up any crumbs of affection he tosses in your direction.

And Hellfire is right... if I wanted to, I could at this moment be the proud owner of a near-mint condition, souped-up Jeep Wrangler CJ-5. It took me less than 10 seconds to Google search and find one for sale in the next town over. Quite frankly, it should embarrass you that you bragged about him finding ways to spend your own money that you could’ve done yourself with minimal effort.

Fanny, this is going to sound harsh, but it’s meant with utmost kindness and sincerity: have some damn respect for yourself!

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:19 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday)]

newlife03 posted 2/23/2021 13:14 PM

I told him last night..."we're in love - lets be in love".

What does this mean?

HellFire posted 2/23/2021 13:46 PM

The house he went to that I found out via gps...he owned up to going but it wasn’t to see a woman but an old man.

Why would he be spending so much time at an old man's house? Who is this man? Have you verified an old man lives there, and not a woman?

FannyandCat posted 2/23/2021 13:56 PM

It kinda did take some time. It's not a typical jeep...very specific. Not all jeeps are alike lol.

I have a feeling his time on dating sites is permanently over.

The gps really did fuck with his head. It was covert, deceptive and not at all the right thing to do. And it's not who I am. I should have had the guts to confront him directly instead of going behind his back. But we moved past it and if it's in the past why keep dredging it up? It doesn't do either one of us any good.

It's better (personal opinion) to live your life in the present. Look at today and in the future vs living in the past. The past never has anything new to say so why keep calling it?

And what some look at as a small gesture is a big deal to others. It's in the eye of the beholder. Don't mean to wax philosophical but what others see as not a big deal is a big deal to someone else. Last summer his ex-wife didn't know I existed now she does. Last summer he blew me off for every holiday and now I'm included. Two years ago I'd be lucky to see him one day a week and now I see him 3x a week. This relationship has been a very slow evolution but it keeps evolving. Will he fuck again? I don't know. If he does, he knows I'm out - he knows I will not tolerate being treated like garbage and excluded. And he knows that if he tries to do something that hurts me behind my back I will find out.

Belle25 posted 2/23/2021 14:03 PM

When you talk about being in love, how does he respond? Does he tell you he loves you?

He renewed his lease in his name; he is not moving in with you. He's really good at dangling carrots though.

newlife03 posted 2/23/2021 14:27 PM

the gps really did fuck with his head. It was covert, deceptive and not at all the right thing to do. And it's not who I am. I should have had the guts to confront him directly instead of going behind his back

This is a guilt trip/blame shift, whatever we want to call it, and it's not o.k. You did nothing wrong. The GPS was the EXACT RIGHT thing to do because it showed who he is and what he's capable of. You learned that he had been going places without your knowledge. Yes, you DO have the right to know if you are in a committed relationship. So he was mad, and you decided to work things out...until you found the new dating profiles. Your original post talks about wanting things to be "the way they were." I really feel bad for you because you are looking for a relationship that you thought you had even though he has proven time and again that he's not trustworthy. In a few YEARS' time, maybe he will be. But now? Less than a year from the discoveries? Not a chance.

This was taken from the original thread that has since been closed that one poster described (mods, if this isn't allowed please delete):

"A manipulative individual whose "niceness" (including favours and gifts) comes with strings attached. Lavishing you with pricely gifts or money they create a sense of obligation (because "you owe them") and use it as a form of control."

Someone pointed out that your BF seemed like the type of individual above. And now with the jeep purchases and whatnot I tend to wonder if he's controlling you again. I could be wrong. I wish you tons of luck in your future and would love to hear, a year from now, that he has been better than ever.

Booyah posted 2/23/2021 14:51 PM

"And he knows I will not tolerate being treated like garbage"??

Does he?

He keeps stepping over the line and every time he does you're still there and you continue to make excuses for him.

FannyandCat posted 3/1/2021 04:29 AM

Out of the blue he broke up with me last night. We had just had a great week together, hung out Friday and talked on Saturday. Then at 10:17 last night he sent me a text saying we need to break up. I drove to his house and saw he wasn’t home so went to the closest bar and found him there. He was alone. I said after so many years he at least should give me an explanation. He said we’d talk today.

I don’t know how I’m feeling. I haven’t cried. I’m not drowning my sorrows in a pint of ice cream. I’m just sort of...I don’t know...relieved? I truly thought we belonged together but considering his current situation and foreseeable future I guess this is for the best. I regret spending so much money on him. I regret investing five years of my life on him. But most of all I regret thinking he’s someone he’s not. At the end of the day he’s a good looking guy who has a great dick but never gave me emotional security.

Now don’t think I’m going to jump on match or hinge today because I know I’m not ready but in the back of my mind I know I’m a catch and know there’s someone out there for me that will treat me and love me the way I want.

The1stWife posted 3/1/2021 06:35 AM

I’m sorry this happened to you.

You know you deserve better.

I’m not going to rehash this because there is no point. We all know the history for the past 6 months. I really hope you are open to some counseling for yourself so you can heal and move on.

Hugs to you!

nekonamida posted 3/1/2021 07:34 AM

I'm so sorry Fanny. You deserve better.

annb posted 3/1/2021 07:48 AM

I'm sorry, we know it hurts, but I think you can finally have some peace and move on with your life.

Seek counseling and lean on trusted family and friends.

You deserve a man who is in the relationship 100%.

Charity411 posted 3/1/2021 07:50 AM

You always did deserve better than what you had in him. I'm sorry. I know it hurts, anyway.

I suspect in the coming weeks you are going to discover more about who he really is. Try to resist the temptation to dig further. He isn't worth the effort and you will only feed his ego. It's time to put yourself first.

tushnurse posted 3/1/2021 08:07 AM

Please get yourself in IC. You need it. You need to figure out why you are so willing to stay with a person that treats you like garbage.

He is a manchild. He has done zero work on his issues and feels he can just walk away whenever he wants. He is very very broken. You cannot fix that.

FannyandCat posted 3/1/2021 09:15 AM

But to do it via text? After almost 5 years he sends me a five word text, "we need to break up"...I could go off about that but really, what's the point.

And I know I deserve better. I know he treated me like garbage. I know he lied to me. I KNOW. I guess I'm more surprised I'm not curled up in a ball on the couch crying my eyes out. Like I'm strangely ok with it - this was an almost FIVE YEAR relationship and **POOF** it's done. And while I know he's kinda a loser and treated me like shit there were a lot of good times and many times where he was very sweet. That's what makes this all so weird - we saw each other four times last week and talked on Saturday then to send a break up text on Sunday? Something must've happened. And as much as I'd like to know I'm pretty confident I'm not going to get any answers.

I guess I thought with enough patience, love, loyalty and devotion the man I know he's capable of being would come out.

Catwoman posted 3/1/2021 09:25 AM

I guess I thought with enough patience, love, loyalty and devotion the man I know he's capable of being would come out.

You can't "nice" them into being something that they are not. And he is not a nice person, nor is he suitable material for a partner. After 5 years he breaks up via TEXT MESSAGE? What moron does that?

Please do yourself a big favor and get into IC to figure out why you would put up with this sort of treatment.

You deserve better.

Cat