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not married yet-the whole story

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EllieKMAS posted 2/15/2021 23:18 PM

Not surprised in the slightest sadly. So not only is he a man-toddler, he's also apparently a narcissistic asshole to boot. Is like the worst bonus prize ever.

Most importantly though, are you starting to be able to see past this "good guy" (extreme sarcasm) facade he's put up? Is this making you feel more confident in your decision?

Ugh girl. He sounds like a serious grade-A loser. And my exdouche was almost the same age when we met. Lemme just say in my case he definitely didn't improve with age. Doubt your wbf would either.

flossy posted 2/15/2021 23:42 PM

@elliekmas
everything that you guys have said has been true. i really am glad i found this forum as ive learned so much.
ive learnt so much about what to look for and how their behaviours are
i just never knew i could be tricked for that long
i feel like the biggest fool now
im sure everyone of his friends knew what hes up to.
his ex girl friend also said everyone talks about how nice I am but that I probably have no idea

i want revenge now. he still thinks im just wanting a break
i know revenge will do nothing and i know how he will act. he will cry and make me believe he is changing.
i know he will have no remorse...
my next steps.. im not sure?
im thnking about saying ok lets meet on tuesday
ill give you one chance to tell me everything... i know he wont
then ill hit him with the truth and say gtfo
he needs deep help... but to be honest i dont think he will understand or see it

[This message edited by flossy at 12:41 AM, February 16th (Tuesday)]

flossy posted 2/15/2021 23:44 PM

i dont feel like dating again..
i cant even imagine.


how would i trust anyone.

at least i had some intuition that i didnt want to marry him and i put walls up to protect myself (never let him move in etc)

siracha posted 2/16/2021 06:59 AM

Everything is on your side right now , you are a smart loving young person . The overwhelming chances are that within the next few years you will heal well and end up in a good relationship
Dont judge what the future will be by the way you are feeling today . Just focus on short term self care and reclaiming power over your life.

The1stWife posted 2/16/2021 07:15 AM

Revenge? Not required. Just refuse to interact with him. Hold your head up and just get away from this jerk.

He continued hes to lose girlfriends - people will figure out why. Because hes a lying cheating jerk!

Your smarts and intuition served you well. You protected yourself. You listened to your inner voice.

You will survive this. We all do. You now realize your life will get better b/c you dont have a loser of a BF to deal with.

Maybe some professional counseling is something to consider. It can help you tremendously and provide an outlet for your emotional trauma.

fooled13years posted 2/16/2021 07:17 AM

flossy

he needs deep help... but to be honest i dont think he will understand or see it
So many times a cheater believes they are too smart to get caught or that their betrayed partner will forgive them and all will go back to normal.

There are so many people on here who have experienced multiple betrayals by the same person because, in part, the betrayer faced no consequences.

You state that you are a Christian. If you are not attending, go back to church and interact with people your own age. Develop friendships and see if anything romantic develops. If not simply enjoy your new friends.

Catwoman posted 2/16/2021 07:23 AM

i want revenge now. he still thinks im just wanting a break
i know revenge will do nothing and i know how he will act. he will cry and make me believe he is changing.

Living well is the best revenge. Seriously, put all of this energy into YOU and making YOUR BEST LIFE instead of spinning in his wake. As long as you are spinning in his wake, you are vulnerable to more manipulation. I don't think that's where you want to be, is it?

In other words, why are you letting him live rent-free in your head?

i know he will have no remorse...

Exactly why you should show him the door in no uncertain terms, block him from every means of communication, including email, text, cell, smoke signals, social media . . . do it ALL. Make sure he has no way of contacting you. Refuse third party contact from "friends."

my next steps.. im not sure?

See above.

im thnking about saying ok lets meet on tuesday
ill give you one chance to tell me everything... i know he wont
then ill hit him with the truth and say gtfo

Why waste your time? You know he's a cheater and a manipulator. Why give him another chance to manipulate you.

This is his MO. This is how he is going to act in ANY relationship. Until the pain of change is less than the pain of staying where he is, this is what he is going to do. Why would you sign up for more of that.

Tell him: I see no reason to meet on Tuesday. You have cheated, and I'm done. Please don't contact me again by any method. Click. Then BLOCK HIM.

he needs deep help... but to be honest i dont think he will understand or see it

No longer your monkeys or your circus.

I would encourage you to see a counselor (find a good one--they are worth their weight in gold) to assist you through the trauma and give you some better tools to manage a relationship. It will help.

Cat

tushnurse posted 2/16/2021 08:07 AM

i dont feel like dating again..
i cant even imagine.

That is ok, in fact that is perfectly normal.
Can you now understand that you have been victimized and he has caused you severe trauma?

Please go get yourself STD tested, and get yourself in with a trauma therapist to help you work through this and heal yourself properly. When you do this, then you will find that you will be ready to date.

Give yourself time to heal.

flossy posted 2/16/2021 08:08 AM

thank you again guys. i have this big sense of peace when i read your replies. again i am so thankful for your words.

catwoman: you say delete him and block him... why do i find this so hard. i kind of want to see him try and cry.
i really want to tell his mom.she has no idea and would choose my side over his i know.
i want to tell the world. like i wasted 3 years of my life in a complete lie. he cannot do this to anyone else.
social media is where he plays his game. i want to comment of his every picture.. or something. however i know this will not effect him
i clearly see him now.
no wonder i kept having bad dreams about him through out our relationship

i definitely will focus on me. i sort of feel free in a way. my mind is finally free from the decision making.
our whole relationship i felt guilty that i wasnt ready to get married....!!!!!!!

Catwoman posted 2/16/2021 08:39 AM

i kind of want to see him try and cry.

You're missing a word here: LIE and cry. He has ZERO intention of doing anything but the bare minimum to manipulate you into staying in the relationship. Let that sink in--he's only going to manipulate you into continuing with this farce. It's his MO. It's worked before over multiple women.

We teach people how to treat us. When we allow people to use words and not actions, when we allow people to use manipulation to get what they want from us, we are telling them that this WORKS and that they can continue to do that to get what THEY want.

On the other hand, if we value ourselves in a relationship and watch actions, not words and leave relationships that are bad for us, we're teaching those people that we won't be treated that way.

i really want to tell his mom.she has no idea and would choose my side over his i know.

i want to tell the world. like i wasted 3 years of my life in a complete lie. he cannot do this to anyone else.

Frankly, I would. And then go radio silent on his family and friends. Again, these people are now going to be a part of your past, not a part of your future. But only you can determine what the dynamics are and if this is going to be a positive for you or just revenge. I would only do it if it is a positive for you (i.e. if he's lying about why you are no longer together).

social media is where he plays his game. i want to comment of his every picture.. or something.

Don't pet the drama llama. Sometimes a dignified silence speaks volumes.

Cat

Charity411 posted 2/16/2021 08:40 AM

You said you want revenge. Here's how you do it.

I agree with the others. Don't meet him, don't take his calls, don't pay attention to social media and cut off any connection.

There is nothing that his personality type hates worse than indifference. It will make him crazy. He lives to suck others into his game.

You asked how to do that? Just keep visualizing that you are in total control when you refuse any contact with him. visualize that you have taken away all his weapons. If you continue to engage with him he will continue to tell you what your heart wants to hear. Hearts are nice and all, but brains are much better. Out smart him by blocking him out.

In the meantime, when you are tempted, talk to us here instead. You'll be doing us a favor. We can live vicariously through someone who had the good sense not to marry him, even before you fully understood what was going on. What a woman.

EllieKMAS posted 2/16/2021 08:55 AM

you say delete him and block him... why do i find this so hard. i kind of want to see him try and cry.
He won't tho. Tears for him are just another manipulation tactic. I doubt he feels the slightest sense of remorse. And 'try'? What exactly?

i really want to tell his mom.she has no idea and would choose my side over his i know.
She probably won't. That old saying - blood is thicker than water - definitely applies in these types of situations. My exdouche's parents were very devout Christians and they still took his side over mine. And that's okay - I have a LOT of support and my own self-awareness. Exdouche needs a ton more help than me!

i want to tell the world. like i wasted 3 years of my life in a complete lie. he cannot do this to anyone else.
Don't think of it as a waste. Think of it as an opportunity for your own growth and also as an object lesson in why commanding respect is so very important.

social media is where he plays his game. i want to comment of his every picture.. or something. however i know this will not effect him
i clearly see him now.
Nope, he's a slippery shit, so he will find ways to spin things. Not your problem anymore.

no wonder i kept having bad dreams about him through out our relationship
I am convinced now that those kinds of dreams are how your gut pokes at you. The trick is learning to listen to it when you're awake!

i definitely will focus on me. i sort of feel free in a way. my mind is finally free from the decision making.
our whole relationship i felt guilty that i wasnt ready to get married....!!!!!!!
I'm glad you feel free today, and you really should. But don't be surprised if you go back and forth in your feelings either. It is very normal to be all over the place right now. Just keep moving yourself forward and AWAY from this flaming horse's ass, no matter what.

i want revenge now. he still thinks im just wanting a break
i know revenge will do nothing and i know how he will act. he will cry and make me believe he is changing.
i know he will have no remorse...
I get wanting revenge. Early on I struggled with that too. But honestly, give it time. I feel VERY differently now on that than I did a year ago. NOW I firmly believe that my 'revenge' is living my best life, free of him and his bullshit, living with honor and integrity and authenticity.

I mean... I'd still sparta kick him right in the dick if I ever saw him again, but I no longer concern myself with what he's doing.

And you are very right - this jackass has zero remorse. And clearly learned nothing from his prior relationships. But my guess is you WILL learn from this one.

Sofarsogood posted 2/16/2021 09:28 AM

The best revenge is to disassociate with him and live a great life. Others will admire you for your grace and ability to value yourself.

The1stWife posted 2/16/2021 09:51 AM

Charity411 has the best advice.

Cheaters and selfish liars and narcissistic personality types HATE to be alone or discarded. Its ok that they lie and cheat and discard others, but do not want it to happen to them.

I dropped a serial cheater. He cheated on everyone. When I found out - I walked away. His tears (fake) and his promises (fake) and his pain (fake) propelled him to chase me for a year. Hed call - Id hang up when I heard his voice. I ran into him unexpectedly twice. I stood and pretended to listen snd have a fake smile (public place and I refused to make a scene) but I wasnt interested.

I at least had some class. If he called my home my family knew never to take a message (before cell phones and mobile phones lol) and just hang up. I wasnt home and they would give me the message he called. What a jerk - he did that routine gif months.

Point is by not giving him a platform hes reduced to nothing. And he will hate that more than anything.

You may want to tell his mother just this - Im sorry I have to end my relationship w/ your son. I found out hes cheated on me and a number of other women in the past. I dont see any hope for this relationship. Thank you for your friendship and kindness.

newlife03 posted 2/16/2021 10:01 AM

I haven't read through the entire thread so someone may have addressed this already:

because he does treat me so well besides this. he is always thinking of me first.

He is NOT treating you right if you have to say "besides this." He has NOT put you first. He has put his own needs first, and I think you know that the "I'm sorry, I'll be better" are just lines to pacify you. I'm very sorry, but this young man is not marriage material.

Edit to add: I've read through the thread and have a few points to make.

is it better to live a single life- never marry and have children.

then to marry someone who has been unfaithful online. and live a possibly happy life.

You asked which is better, to be single and alone or married something who has been unfaithful. Remove the word "online" because it is irrelevant. He has been unfaithful to you. Period. Multiple times. With multiple women. You deserve so much more.

He is showing you who he is now. You have been given a gift of truth before you commit your life to this young man.

ill give you one chance to tell me everything... i know he wont

Why? He has proven that he isn't able to tell you the whole truth, you keep getting information from others and not him. He won't give you what you need so don't waste your time.

Revenge affairs will make you feel like crap. Don't do it.

You are young and will find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. I found myself alone at 37, after being with xWH for 20 years and having 3 kids. He was my first real relationship and I feared that I could never find another so I put up with more than I should have. Today, at 50, I'm stronger than ever with a man who values and respects me. If I can do it at my age then YOU certainly can!

[This message edited by newlife03 at 10:13 AM, February 16th (Tuesday)]

siracha posted 2/16/2021 11:51 AM

We all have this idea of what we need to say before we can move on as the triumphant victor but there is never any such thing . Either you are moving on ( no contact ) or moving backwards ( contact of any kind ) . You cant not win any interaction with him , its a reverse participation trophy where you lose just by showing up .
You have handled everything very well , stick to the high road terminate things on email / text with him and his mother . Then block them both .

[This message edited by siracha at 11:52 AM, February 16th (Tuesday)]

flossy posted 2/16/2021 19:31 PM

thank you everyone so much
i need to say this forum changed the course of my life.
im just in the beginning stages but im going to get through this i dont know how yet but i will

today: i ended the relationship for good. i told him to never contact me again
i deleted all his pictures and unfriended him on all social media. this was soooo tough because there is just this small piece in me that wants to know what hes doing or want him to contact me.

i texted his mom today
i told her that her son is a serial cheater and liar. i told her hes cheated on every gf hes had. i told her he needs help
she replied with saying "i am so sad and disturbed to hear this, i dont condone his behaviour and i will hold him accountable. im going to miss you but i hope you make your dreams realities"

i know he will manipulate her too

thats the end. for now i guess. he hasnt contacted me in two hours.
he still needs to get his belongings but i told him he has 12 hours.

EllieKMAS posted 2/16/2021 20:49 PM

today: i ended the relationship for good. i told him to never contact me again
i deleted all his pictures and unfriended him on all social media. this was soooo tough because there is just this small piece in me that wants to know what hes doing or want him to contact me.
Give yourself major props for this. It is really hard and sad when a relationship ends, but you handled this really well!

Lalagirl posted 2/17/2021 05:37 AM

((((flossy)))))

I'm really proud of you - I know that wasn't easy. Do something nice for you today and when he comes to get his things, don't be there - have a friend or family member be there if you're not comfortable with him being at your place alone.

flossy posted 2/17/2021 07:05 AM

thanks guys.
i feel quite powerful right now and i see him as someone i dont know anymore. i know everything was a lie.
at the present moment he is trying to manipulate me. i still havent blocked him on text so he has access there. but i do not reply

im just struggling with feelings of deep saddness. i feel very lost. im just wondering if any of you could provide information on how you got through this part??
how to stop the bad thoughts?
what you did on your day to day?
anything really

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